Why can’t I forgive my husband?

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

So we’ve had a shit past couple of years. We’ve been together for 15 years and married almost 10 years. Three children. We’ve had a great relationship mainly...a few ups and downs, been through some tough stuff but always stood by each other and came through still smiling.

But two years ago I was pregnant with our third child after a six year gap between kids. She was planned but DH changed his mind way too late into my pregnancy. He became quite unpleasant to me at a time when I needed his support and things got worse after our baby was born. He basically withdrew from family life, rejected our daughter, was vile to me and made me feel like a complete failure of a mother, started drinking too much and went to the pub instead of coming home, threw himself into work and all the networking, conference and social side, basically to avoid coming home, started a friendship with a much younger woman that he hid from me and lied about. He definitely crossed a line with her in my view in terms of texting her at weekends (nothing sexual), emailing her about about non-work stuff and signing off with kisses, inviting her to accompany him to networking events, giving her lifts to conferences and not ever mentioning it to me. He later admitted he fancied her but swears nothing physical happened. I still have niggling doubts about that but he’s now cut her out.

He put everything down to struggling to adapt to baby number three, and needing escapism and an ego boost. We did couples counselling which was helpful and brought us closer together for a while and we’ve been getting along pretty well recently, but things just aren’t the same.

I just feel like something has broken that can’t be fixed. It’s not our whole relationship though, just a part of it, but compared with our previously great relationship it just feels a bit substandard and I feel sad and angry at DH for doing this to what was a really happy family. I really want to forgive him and move on and be happy again, but I just can’t. I’ve seen a side of him thatI despise and have zero respect for and it’s tainted my overall picture of him. I just don’t see him in the same way.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to break my family up because of my inability to let go...yes, he was an absolute shit, but this was one period during a 15 year happy relationship where he’s been a fantastic partner and Dad. But at the same time, I don’t know whether I can spend the rest of my life in this slightly weaker but not dreadful marriage knowing that it will never be the same as it was before. Will things ever get better?

Does a man who has been a great partner for 13 years, but had a crisis for a period, not deserve a second chance? Or does he deserve to lose his family? I don’t know the answer...it’s something I’m wrestling with.

I actually found that a bit disturbing. Does your whole life revolve around what he wants, what he deserves? What about you? Don't you deserve better? Why do you have to live looking at someone everyday who did you wrong and has the "excuse" of I wanted to do it so I did it. I'd find that utterly demeaning.

Anyone who says ‘I’m sorry’ and then moves into a ‘but this is why I was justified in doing the shitty thing I did’ isn’t sorry at all, they just know it’s what you need to hear so you’ll continue to accept them and their behavior. Odds are if you continue with this man, next time the going gets tough he will do the exact same thing. This is probably why you feel different about him, understandably.
Instead of looking at this from the perspective of what he deserves, focus on what YOU deserve and want for the rest of your life - that is where your answer lies. You are not beholden to him and have every right to be happy.

"‘but for once in my life, I needed to put myself first and I needed escapism’"

Except it wasn't just once, was it? It was every day for at least a year, so 365 times.

That, the lack of remorse, and the inability to tell the difference between "needs" and "wants" would be the end for me.

He had a fling. You had a crisis.

Could you message this other woman? Ask her if anything actually did happen between them? That would give you some closure on the subject so you wouldn’t be worrying in the back of your mind if anything did happen.

Why did he stop being vile to you?
What changed?
Was it the ending of his relationship with the other woman? Because if it was I'm willing to bet that it was her who ended their relationship.
You don't know for sure that it was non sexual and let's face it, he has nothing to gain and everything to lose by admitting it was.
As for the relationship working out who knows. I believe the only people who can say are those who have forgiven and have stayed together a long time, possibly with now adult chuldren.

I'd be inclined to detach and coast along for a bit and just BE. Don't try and fix anything or do anything. See if things get better.
It's a big deal to go it alone with three children.
I know I could never forgive but time does heal and here I am facing retirement alone because I can't forgive which is a pretty grim prospect.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It must have been awful to have him behave this way when you needed him most. I understand what you're saying about no one being infallible, this is true. But people's behaviour does colour how you think of them. So yes we all can make mistakes but I think it depends on how hurtful the impact is as to whether you can overcome the mistake.

OK so your marriage is no longer "perfect". I wonder how many people have perfect marriages.

HIs behaviour was wrong, and hurtful. He knows this. You said he has been trying to put this right. You know the answer to this. Deep down I think you know your marriage isn't worth sacrificing for this, I can read this in your message.

But.... you still feel things aren't right. Eventually, if you don't resolve this it will erode your marriage.

What can he do to make things right?

Does a man who has been a great partner for 13 years, but had a crisis for a period, not deserve a second chance?

Has he actually asked for a second chance, does he know he's currently on his second chance?

Because he sounds lukewarm at best with his "I'm sorry... but blah blah blah".

What exactly promoted the end of his "crisis"?

I agree with all the PP who suggested you should get some counselling on your own.

Another possibility is did he meet this woman and then decide he didn't want another child?
Did he want to be with her but felt that he couldn't leave a pregnant wife. I've know this happen before.

Doesn't sound like you're attracted to him anymore either. What's his opinion on that?

When you get let down very badly, in whatever way, not an affair or such like, but just a big let down, it is never ever the same.

I know. I don't think I will ever be the same, or my trust of people generally, and mine was nothing like an affair, just a realisation how self centred most people are.

It sounds like your feelings have changed towards your husband. Forget about whether he deserves to lose his family, what do you actually want? To spend the rest of your life with this selfish dick who put his own feelings first and foremost, when you were pregnant with a planned third child? Or to separate and live a happy and fulfilled life as a single woman, with the chance of meeting someone else, instead of staying in an unhappy marriage with a man you don't like very much?

I bet the relationship was sexual, and I bet he told her you were virtually living apart, no longer sleeping together, all that shit blokes tell gullible women - then she discovered he had a young baby and dumped him.

He doesn't 'deserve' to lose his family.

But that doesn't mean it isn't perfectly reasonable for you to divorce and come to an agreement about Contact.

he’s said he sorry for his behaviour, for hurting me and for breaking the trust lots of times, but it’s almost always followed with ‘but for once in my life, I needed to put myself first and I needed escapism’

How are you teaching your children to apologise? Would you teach them this is what genuine remorse looks like?

You've talked about a second chance but I think I agree with a pp that he's already had over 365 "second chances" at this point.

Why do you feel you owe him more than you owe yourself?

That would give you some closure on the subject so you wouldn’t be worrying in the back of your mind if anything did happen.

Something did happen. He ignored his own baby so he could go sniffing around another woman.

It's unforgivable and OP knows it. It's only her conditioning to 'be nice' that is stopping her from leaving right now.

but for once in my life, I needed to put myself first

Is it true that in the past he always always put you first? Really? You must have had a super lovely life before. Though I feel sad for him, poor man who never ever got what he wanted while his wife always got what she wanted. Are you a big selfish meanie? I have a sneaking suspicion that life wasn't designed around your deepest desires at the expense of his. his deepest desire being to shag the hot young woman at work

This is really tough I think. On the one hand he was a complete shit and not just as a one off but every single day for over a year, when you were at your most vulnerable. I'd be worried how he was going to act the next time things get tough as every family goes through tough times.

Why did he change his mind about the baby? Do you think it was because because the other woman?

On the other hand he has (not as much as youd have liked) apologised, and things seem to be ok

I know you've already had couples counselling. Maybe you should have individual counselling to help you work out what you want for a change. It sounds like its your turn to put yourself first.

Also is it because the relationship as it is feels different or not enough, or is it that you keep thinking of what he did, even though he is ok now? I think if you think the relationship as it is, is acceptable but you just cant get past what he did, there is a bit more scope for progress eg doing CBT to change your thought process. If the relationship just doesn't feel like it's working and you don't trust him then maybe it will be harder.

For once in his life, he chose to put himself first ^when you were pregnant and then had a little baby.' Just at one of the times when you would've appreciated his support most and when it should've been 100% given.

I think you need to have it out with him more often maybe. Tell him you can't forget. Eventually he might be able to reassure you. You could say you aren't happy with what he's saying. There was no need for him to put himself first. He had a pregnant wife and kids. The need was to put you first. I don't think you should let him off the hook yet, as it isn't laid to rest for you. He should properly apologise for a start, probably.

Having said that, a few months effectively or however long it is since he actually packed in the b.s. isn't long (although, by making excuses for himself, he hasn't really packed it in.) Time will heal- but it'll heal more fully if you discuss it whenever it comes to mind for you, I think. That way, he will be putting you first, as he should've done then, until it's resolved.

It will eat away at you forever you'll never truly forget or forgive.... who could ? I just could not carry on, you can try but sorry OP I dont think long term you'll make it....it will taint things , it already has. Resentment will fester. I'm sorry for you OP but your DH had NO excuse , none whatsoever. Maybe it was a one off or maybe it's the first time you've caught him? People have form for this kind of stuff. Trust your gut

Thanks for the replies. Just to clarify, in my mind I wasn’t really thinking and putting what he deserves before what I deserve. I guess I was thinking that no one is infallible...clearly it was him, but if it was me who had behaved appallingly for whatever reason, does it really mean that I would deserve to lose everything?

The thing that brought about the end of the friendship was me snooping and confronting him about it and telling him to end any kind of relationship/friendship. She knew about me and the kids and the new baby...she sent a present! That got shipped straight off to the charity shop when i realised who she was to him!

I appreciate your replies and I am reading them but I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine so might not reply to any more tonight.

Why should you forgive him? I wouldn't.

Why did he change his mind about the baby? She just grew up a bit, developed a personality and he couldn’t help but fall in love with her. She’s awesome. He basically ducked out of the hard graft of the early days and left me to it while he had fun. He used to say (when he was being a shit), ‘I love her but she doesn’t enhance my life at all’. Now he’s realised that she does.

Also, to those saying about individual counselling for me...it wasn’t affordable for us to keep going so we stopped couples counselling a few months ago. But the other day I self-referred myself to my local nhs well-being service in the hope they might be able to offer me something. We’ll see.