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Original poster

Interested in guy but sex was terrible - WWYD

150 replies

everythingisopposite · 11/12/2019 13:47

I am in my late 40's and had second date with a guy of a similar age. I hadn't expected the date to go well tbh, I thought we were too different and the second date would confirm this. But the opposite happened. He comes from a similar background to me, we found we had values and outlooks in common, I really enjoyed talking with him and I would like to get to know him better. He seems a calm and balanced person which attracts me. There are some things I am potentially unsure about him and want to check out if I get to know him better, but I definitely put him in the 'potential' box.

However, we had sex and it was terrible. Utterly awful. The worst sex I have ever had. I got nothing out of it emotionally or physically. He never touched any part of my body other than my vulva which I felt he was (badly) touching in a perfunctory, functional way. Despite him initiating sex, he failed to get hard and I had to give him oral sex to get him hard. He came really quickly. He was silent throughout and I didn't even realise when he had orgasmed. He's not inexperienced and last year came out of a very long term relationship.

So WWYD? Would you hope it could be improved or give up?

Unfortunately my last partner was utterly amazing in bed, the best sex I have ever had emotionally and physically. It was intoxicating. He made me realise I had been having crap sex all my life.

Is there any hope things could get better?

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 11/12/2019 13:50

Now you know why he is single!!
No hope imo....

mcmooberry · 11/12/2019 13:55

I doubt it unless it was nerves. And even then....

Original poster
everythingisopposite · 11/12/2019 13:59

yes, I am fearful that being that bad is a personality or aptitude thing. The last guy I was with clearly really loved my (entirely ordinary middle aged) body and loved taking time to touch me and make me feel beautiful and desired. He was confident and we were able to completely let go with each other. It was amazing!

The new guy was in a relationship for over two decades. How can you have sex with someone for two decades and still come across as so inexperienced and inept?

OP posts:
Babdoc · 11/12/2019 14:00

If he’s having erectile problems in his 40’s, he needs to see his GP, as it can be an early warning sign of arterial problems elsewhere, such as coronary heart disease. It can also be due to undiagnosed diabetes.
If this was just your second date, you barely know each other. He may have been nervous and simply felt it was expected of him to initiate sex when he wasn’t actually ready. It’s difficult to have satisfying intimate mind blowing sex with a virtual stranger - it takes time to get to know each other’s preferences and to be comfortable together.
I’d encourage him to get checked out medically, then take things a lot slower and try communicating - actually show and tell him what you like in bed and what you don’t.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 11/12/2019 14:00

Erm he sounds like a dead loss to me, sorry.

JoJoSM2 · 11/12/2019 14:03

You don’t know how much sex he had in that relationship.

Also, it was only a second date so you don’t really know each other so it’s pretty impossible to be emotionally special at that stage. Either ditch him or take it step by step and don’t have full on sex until you’re comfortable with each other.

Original poster
everythingisopposite · 11/12/2019 14:03

Yeah, Babdoc, but I have never had first time sex that was that awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
everythingisopposite · 11/12/2019 14:11

JoJo, I guess by emotional I mean making me feel desired. And I just didn't when my body wasn't touched or appreciated. And the whole unable to get an erection thing didn't help.

You are probably right about getting to know each other first. I am not even sure what he wants. His texts make clear his is interested in my sexually - in a way that might indicate he just wants a hook-up, but when we were together we really got on well socially and conversationally together - and he said how much he had enjoyed us spending that social time together.

I don't want just a sex thing with him, for obvious reasons. So I think if we meet again, I probably do need to outright ask him what he wants.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 11/12/2019 14:16

I don’t think it’s going to improve. There is bad first time / early relationship sex where your partner is trying their best, touching you all over, asking what you like etc but just doesn’t know you well enough to be getting it right yet / is repeating what worked with their last partner, and that’s pretty normal; but you’re describing some bloke who obviously doesn’t think any of that is important and isn’t interested in finding out what gets you off - and that generally means he’s going to be shit in bed forever.

Kwhatnow · 11/12/2019 14:21

Sex is a very important part of a relationship.
Don’t think it will change or get better either tbh.
I would probably let go of this one op. Especially first time sex is meant to be passionate and exciting.

nocluewhattodoo · 11/12/2019 14:21

Cut your losses, do you really want to waste time trying to help this bloke be better at sex? I am finding one posters suggestion that you ask him to go to the doctors pretty hilarious, you've been on two dates and had a shag you are in no way responsible for him. Get back out there looking for someone who can actually offer you something.

RantyAnty · 11/12/2019 14:25

That's who he is.
Can't believe people are making excuses for him.
no excuse for not passionately kissing and touching someone.
I wouldn't see him again. Yuk.
His poor former partner.

Nanamilly · 11/12/2019 14:28

I think you need to talk to him about it.

Cheeseandwin5 · 11/12/2019 14:35

He has come out of a long term relationship and there have been any amount of things going through his mind.

I would think what I would do if the shoe was on the other foot and also what kind of person you want to be.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/12/2019 14:35

It doesn't sound improvable. The very basics are bad - bad touching, just baad! Especially when you thought you had a connection and he's reasonably intelligent, not madly shy? I would cut your losses now.

thecatsarecrazy · 11/12/2019 14:49

If you are really keen on him as a person you could try and work it out. Doesn't sound as bad as the sex I had on Saturday..
He didn't touch any part of me even though I gave him oral. He humped but never cum. And let out a huge fart after and said like being married isn't it Shock. The next day he messaged saying he can't wait to see me again Sad. Fuck no

LellyMcKelly · 11/12/2019 14:49

The first time is when you pull out all your best moves. The first time I did it with my DP I could have sworn the ground shifted - real rolling eyes in the back of the head stuff. Still, look on the bright side. You’ve tried him out early without having to waste too much time on talking to him or having to go out places with him, so cross him off the list and move on. Life is way too short for mediocre sex, never mind terrible sex.

ErickBroch · 11/12/2019 15:06

That sounds... absolutely horrendous. I would not see them again Grin - you don't know him that well, no big loss.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 11/12/2019 15:09

If you really like him, give him another chance. He may have been very nervous. I had really awful sex with someone I really liked the first time. I really liked him so tried again and it was amazing from then on.

helacells · 11/12/2019 15:10

Eww no. Good lovers are good from day one especially at that age. Also did you say it was just the second date?😳

ElspethFlashman · 11/12/2019 15:12

That's a FUCK NO from me.

OkPedro · 11/12/2019 15:18

@thecatsarecrazy oh fuckn hell 😂😂

Kayleigh12 · 11/12/2019 15:19

@everythingisopposite everyone on here is being so harsh!! He could of been incredibly nervous. When I first had sex with my partner it was dreadful. Really bad. He couldn’t get it up, he was weirdly rubbing parts of my body I didn’t know existed! But he was nervous! And I’ve trained him. And now honestly he is the best sex I’ve ever had. Like amazing! The guy may have been so nervous. Give it a couple of months, if no improvement get rid. But give it a chance. And tell him what u need.

Zzzz19 · 11/12/2019 15:19

I gave my last partner more than one go. She wasn’t the best in bed to be honest. Lights off, one position, no passion. Turned out she was just incredibly nervous and it got much better after that. Not spectacular but ok. If you want more than that then maybe cut your losses.

Interestedwoman · 11/12/2019 15:19

I had a similar situation- honestly it was like committing sexual suicide compared to the lover I'd had prior.

Bad sex bloke was actually quite attractive, so it was even more frustrating than if he were ugly. I was turned on by his appearance, but he couldn't get an erection, and IIRC couldn't come without being masturbated. Still frustrated, I handed him my wand toy. I said 'this is my wand toy- you can use it on me if you want to.'
He said 'Oh is that what it is? I thought it was a microphone,' AND DROPPED IT BACK DOWN THE SIDE OF THE BED (!!!!!)

I had to send him a text saying he seemed a nice bloke but I didn't feel we were compatible.

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