Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Interested in guy but sex was terrible - WWYD

150 replies

everythingisopposite · 11/12/2019 13:47

I am in my late 40's and had second date with a guy of a similar age. I hadn't expected the date to go well tbh, I thought we were too different and the second date would confirm this. But the opposite happened. He comes from a similar background to me, we found we had values and outlooks in common, I really enjoyed talking with him and I would like to get to know him better. He seems a calm and balanced person which attracts me. There are some things I am potentially unsure about him and want to check out if I get to know him better, but I definitely put him in the 'potential' box.

However, we had sex and it was terrible. Utterly awful. The worst sex I have ever had. I got nothing out of it emotionally or physically. He never touched any part of my body other than my vulva which I felt he was (badly) touching in a perfunctory, functional way. Despite him initiating sex, he failed to get hard and I had to give him oral sex to get him hard. He came really quickly. He was silent throughout and I didn't even realise when he had orgasmed. He's not inexperienced and last year came out of a very long term relationship.

So WWYD? Would you hope it could be improved or give up?

Unfortunately my last partner was utterly amazing in bed, the best sex I have ever had emotionally and physically. It was intoxicating. He made me realise I had been having crap sex all my life.

Is there any hope things could get better?

OP posts:
Kayleigh12 · 11/12/2019 15:20

@thecatsarecrazy I’m so sorry to laugh at what happened to you but that’s fucking hilarious!!

RuffleCrow · 11/12/2019 15:22

God no, get rid. Life's too short OP! You'll find someone you're compatible with. Or not. I'd rather a lifetime of enjoyable masturbation than horrible sex. Ugh!

thecatsarecrazy · 11/12/2019 15:34

I said seriously? Got up from the bed and went to the bathroom. He honestly had no idea. There are some horrors out there. I can laugh about it now and thankfully haven't heard from him since Sunday.

somewheresorted · 11/12/2019 15:54

From what you’ve written, I don’t know why on earth you would even go back for a second go!

Original poster
everythingisopposite · 11/12/2019 15:55

and also what kind of person you want to be

I am not quite sure what this is meant to mean. I don' think women should be shamed for wanting to feel like a person in bed rather than a conduit for a mechanical experience for the man.

He's texting me and expecting me to go to bed with him again. It's like he has no idea how bad it was.

OP posts:
RuffleCrow · 11/12/2019 15:56

Agree @somewhere

Can you imagine a man even contemplating giving a woman a second chance when the sex is basically repulsive?

Next!

Original poster
everythingisopposite · 11/12/2019 16:00

somewheresorted

Yeah, I see where you are coming from. It's hard for me to meet people in my circumstances. And when we talked I thought he seemed to have potential to be a nice, interesting guy whose company I enjoyed. I guess I want to see if he is that guy.

The bad sex has made me question his attitude to women and relationships though.

It was hardly a shared experience, which I think sex should be.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 11/12/2019 16:04

Nocluewhattodo, I’m not suggesting that OP is responsible for the chap’s health.

But as a doctor myself, I’m concerned that he may have a potentially life threatening medical condition, and it would be callous of the OP to ignore that and not advise him to get investigated.
Or do you think humans should have no concern for other people at all, even the ones with whom we have sexual relationships?

LemonPrism · 11/12/2019 16:06

Oh fuck no. You've already caught the ick. Anyone who only touches my vagina sees me as a hole.

Nonstopbuttmachine · 11/12/2019 16:16

Oh OP I had a very similar experience four years ago. He was the loveliest guy ever - sweet, caring and generous. Between the sheets though, different story. He didn't have a clue - he pawed me like a grizzly bear and even when I was yelping in pain he'd carry on Confused He also had ED but was in complete denial. I stuck with him for two months but then decided at the age of 45 I shouldn't have to do a tutorial on the female anatomy Hmm

RuffleCrow · 11/12/2019 16:21

Or more likely a porn addiction @babdoc. Either way it's his penis and his responsibility to take care of his health. Not some random woman he's disappointed.

Original poster
everythingisopposite · 11/12/2019 16:25

Not some random woman he's disappointed

That made me laugh. That's exactly what I am. So bloody disappointed at the end of an otherwise promising evening!

OP posts:
Original poster
everythingisopposite · 11/12/2019 16:27

Anyone who only touches my vagina sees me as a hole

Yes, I think this is at the core of it. It's not just bad sex; its the suspicion that is reflects his view of women - and them being there to 'service him'.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 11/12/2019 16:30

How can you have sex with someone for two decades and still come across as so inexperienced and inept?
I certainly felt inexperienced in my 40s after leaving my ex, precisely because I'd had sex with one person for two decades. Neither of us was experienced when we met, so we didn't have a huge repertoire. We didn't discuss it much - didn't seem necessary to me, at least, as I was happy with what we did. My exh wasn't very communicative - great believer in mind reading as it turned out!
I've since got a new partner who's had loads of experience with many partners who were evidently just as imaginative as him, and is a good communicator :)

Zaphodsotherhead · 11/12/2019 16:30

So he's talking the talk but he can't walk the walk? Texting you sexually based messages? But none of them, I guess, are 'I'd love to kiss you all over, touch you, make sure you have the sex of your life'?

Maybe he has a porn addiction and thinks women come screaming just from a man showing them a penis.

Surely nerves might account for non-erection, but not just feebly rubbing in the vague direction of a fanny. Even a guy paralysed with nerves could do better than that, even if he had trouble performing himself?

RLEOM · 11/12/2019 16:33

@thecatsarecrazy 😂😂😂 Sounds like my porn addict ex! All the memories came flooding back after reading your experience! 😂😂😂

Seriously, OP, try him for the next month or so and if it's still crap, get rid. There's nothing worse than years of sensual and sexual deprivation. 🤮

JustASmallTownCurl · 11/12/2019 16:39

Don't be hard on yourself about this OP, you aren't mocking him or humiliating him.

You're allowed to feel you are not at all sexually compatible and feel that the lack of intimacy he showed at a stage is not something you're comfortable with when you would hope to be all wrapped up in each other.

This might sound silly but I find stuff like that a little bit unsettling because halfway through you do feel like you're just there for them to get it done, not enjoy it and savour the moment. It's kind of jarring when you've expected an intimate and passionate experience and suddenly you're essentially silent and in acknowledged wanking fodder.

You said it exactly right - it should of course be a shared experience and it was pretty hollow.

No need to make it a big thing and give it too much headspace, you can just say you've had a think and it doesn't feel like the right fit / not compatible enough to carry on seeing each other.

Get it done like ripping off a plaster so you can relax Smile

CopperPottery · 11/12/2019 16:42

If (and only if) you want to give him a second chance you could try replying to his sexts with what you would actually like him to do?

JustASmallTownCurl · 11/12/2019 16:42

And I don't think you can learn to be sexually compatible. Or at least I wouldn't want to have to teach someone the intimacy side.

Fair enough if someone is inexperienced or shy in the bedroom, but I wouldn't be comfortable with someone who didn't automatically act intimately and passionately making me feel wanted and together in the moment. If that doesn't come naturally it would be such an uphill struggle.

Like when my friends have partners they have to "teach" them to "help" around the house - yes they might get the job done but I don't want to have to ask someone daily to do their share of something we are both responsible for. This is similar.

DelphicOracle · 11/12/2019 17:00

hmmmmm... its a difficult one. I once shagged a man who I had had this on off flirtation with for 3 years, and I fancied him like mad. We were v pissed to be fair, but it was terrible.... utterly terrible and I felt so bad because there had been so much sexual tension over the years..... But he asked me to go out for a drink and was really honest. said he knew it was a crap shag, and he felt bad about it, and that he did fancy me. We ended up being FWB for about 18 months and Im not joking when I say the sex was epic. He was seriously good in bed, just v pissed the first time. It was only his honestly and willingness to have a laugh at himself that made me carry on tbh.

So if your date said that he was really nervous when you had sex etc etc then I might not bin him off.... But if he thinks thats good or ok, then its never going to work, and just get more complex.

ravenmum · 11/12/2019 17:10

From my experience I'd say that it's possible to teach an old dog new tricks, and I don't think that people automatically know how to touch someone of the opposite sex or make them feel good. Even my experienced partner needs the odd tip that he's fondling a sensitive part the wrong way (for me). But having said that, it doesn't take much to work out the very basics; that you should let the other person know you're enjoying it, or that you can and probably should touch more than just their genitals. That really does sound like he's not actually thinking about you and how you might feel.

TheoriginalLEM · 11/12/2019 17:27

I think you're just not that into him.

If the mechanics of the sex were meh, you would have something to work on because the attraction would have been enough.

My first time with DP was a bit meh, so was the second actually- 27 years later and we've had an amazing sex life.

Original poster
everythingisopposite · 11/12/2019 17:48

Thanks everyone. As PP said above, I am not sure if you can teach someone how to be intimate and connected to someone else sexually. Surely that is different from just bad technique.

You might be right Theoriginal. I might just not be that into him. I sure don't have an instant attraction to him, but I really started to like him as a person last night and that attracted me to him. I didn't fancy my first long term partner when I first knew him, but as I got to know him as a person I did become attracted to him. I guess I thought something like that could happen here.

OP posts:
Original poster
everythingisopposite · 11/12/2019 17:50

Delphic Nah, I don't think this guy realises how awful he was. He said he came so quickly as he just wanted me too much, but he has given no sign of realising how bad and soulless the whole experience was. And he is assuming I am going to bed with him again. And he wasn't drunk.

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 11/12/2019 18:23

Hmm I say give him another chance, especially if you like him outside of the bedroom.

I was not impressed with my partner bedroom skills at first either. However as time went on, the nerves went and I felt comfortable telling him what I liked etc. We have a good sex life.