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Original poster

Interested in guy but sex was terrible - WWYD

150 replies

everythingisopposite · 11/12/2019 13:47

I am in my late 40's and had second date with a guy of a similar age. I hadn't expected the date to go well tbh, I thought we were too different and the second date would confirm this. But the opposite happened. He comes from a similar background to me, we found we had values and outlooks in common, I really enjoyed talking with him and I would like to get to know him better. He seems a calm and balanced person which attracts me. There are some things I am potentially unsure about him and want to check out if I get to know him better, but I definitely put him in the 'potential' box.

However, we had sex and it was terrible. Utterly awful. The worst sex I have ever had. I got nothing out of it emotionally or physically. He never touched any part of my body other than my vulva which I felt he was (badly) touching in a perfunctory, functional way. Despite him initiating sex, he failed to get hard and I had to give him oral sex to get him hard. He came really quickly. He was silent throughout and I didn't even realise when he had orgasmed. He's not inexperienced and last year came out of a very long term relationship.

So WWYD? Would you hope it could be improved or give up?

Unfortunately my last partner was utterly amazing in bed, the best sex I have ever had emotionally and physically. It was intoxicating. He made me realise I had been having crap sex all my life.

Is there any hope things could get better?

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 12/12/2019 07:20

Glad you're not going to see him again.

For someone in their 40s not to be able to connect at all is not a good sign. I get what you're saying. Not even about newness, awkwardness or technique but the ability to engage and give of themselves to you and to care about making you feel good.

Not a good sign of a friend either.
Sure he may talk and make you laugh, but it is probably all superficial as there is nothing beneath the surface iyswim

Sparkletastic · 12/12/2019 07:22

Dump him. Not your job to teach him how to be a good lover. His last partner probably put up with 20 years of crap sex.

Loopytiles · 12/12/2019 07:28

Glad you’re dumping him. Appalled by posters suggesting OP should have sex again with a man who went straight, and only, for her vulva!

IM0GEN · 12/12/2019 07:30

You have made the right choice. I suspect he’s a serious porn user

  • couldn’t get hard
  • lack of emotional connection
  • zero interest in giving you pleasure, didn’t even try
  • silent
  • sees women as a hole to cum in

That’s not first time nerves or lack of technique. That’s a whole attitude towards women and relationships.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 12/12/2019 07:32

Oh thank God you're not going to see him again, I've just read the whole thread like this-> Shock

Goldenchildsmum · 12/12/2019 07:45

I agree 100% that if he'd said ' that wasn't too great, I'm really sorry, I was so nervous, I'm not normally that shit' then I'd give him another chance

The fact that he has zero idea at his age that it was dreadful sex for you, is truly mind blowingly awful

MorrisZapp · 12/12/2019 07:48

Peaky Blinders woman can naff off.

LongLiveThePenis · 12/12/2019 07:51

I agree you've made the right choice, it sounds like a chore.

Ohyesiam · 12/12/2019 07:51

It takes Sexual confidence to massge it good, and he just doesn’t have it. So he might not get hard, but he could spend all night giving you pleasure, if he wanted to.
I don’t expect it’s redeemable.

orangeteal · 12/12/2019 07:51

certainly felt inexperienced in my 40s after leaving my ex, precisely because I'd had sex with one person for two decades. Neither of us was experienced when we met, so we didn't have a huge repertoire. We didn't discuss it much - didn't seem necessary to me, at least, as I was happy with what we did. My exh wasn't very communicative - great believer in mind reading as it turned out!

No that's bullshit, the sex was bad because you didn't communicate, that's indicative of you as people in that relationship, not of lack of experience through only having each other. You don't need multiple sexual partners to build on experience.

StarlightLady · 12/12/2019 08:35

OP - Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Better luck next time. Flowers

And ignore the female negative judgement calls. There is nothing wrong with women enjoying good sex. Far from it.

Oceanbliss · 12/12/2019 08:39

I just rtft and am so glad you're not giving him another chance. This is so much more than bad or awkward sex. This, in your words, was a dehumanising experience. You deserve better, actually everyone deserves better than feeling dehumanised.

Honeybee85 · 12/12/2019 08:42

Difficult one.

DH wasn’t also very good in sex, so to speak, in the beginning of our relationship.
He had only had sex with 1 person before me, his ex wife, and I think he never ‘learned’ how to do it properly if that makes any sense. He is interested however in how to improve the sex we have so open to suggestions, new things etc.

If you really like this guy, could you try to guide him a bit and see if he’s open to ‘learn’?
If he isn’t I would end this developing relationship.

BooksForChristmas · 12/12/2019 08:49

The first time me and my ex had sex it was terrible.

I literally lay there like Hmm

As time went on it got so much better, I think it was just first time nerves.

But I wanted to do it again.

If you don't then call it quits.

HepzibahGreen · 12/12/2019 09:13

unless you are just wanting a life of endlessly shagging men..
I don't get it? Is that supposed to be a bad thing? ConfusedGrin
Right choice OP. A man can get nervous first time, but to not even touch you or try to give you pleasure -that's a whole attitude towards women and sex and it won't change. You don't owe him anything, and you certainly don't owe him sex training!

beautifulstranger101 · 12/12/2019 09:42

I am gobsmacked reading some of these replies! The OP said sex with this guy made her feel "dehumanised" those were her own words and people are suggesting she should just keep shagging him in case he gets better? lol NO.

Treating someone like they aren't human and are just a "hole" to put it in is revolting behaviour and speaks volumes about his attitude towards women. Whether this guy was shy or nervous is completely irrelevant, the OP felt like he was dehumanising her. IDGAF what his reason is- that kind of behaviour is unacceptable and he should not be expecting her to be gagging for round 2. Its not wrong for women to want to enjoy sex and frankly I'm a bit fed up of the white knighting for men going on in this thread. Men certainly have NO qualms dumping women they dont fancy so why on earth should OP keep putting up with awful sex?!

JustASmallTownCurl · 12/12/2019 10:21

So you had great sex with all the other men...blah..blah..? .the funny thing is though it doesn't seem to have done much good unless you are just wanting a life of endlessly shagging men.

@MrsPeakyBlinders

What a hateful comment. I remember previous threads where you said your husband's porn addiction has heavily contributed to the fact you are in a totally sexless marriage.

I wouldn't normally reference previous threads as it's bad form but if you're going to judge and try to belittle an OP then maybe have a think about whether you're projecting.

You come across as a judgemental bully. Hasn't done much good either has it?

Interestedwoman · 12/12/2019 11:17

'unless you are just wanting a life of endlessly shagging men..'

I was going to put exactly what @HepzibahGreen said- you say that like it's a bad thing? Grin so I thought I'd add it anyway just to back up the OP.

@MrsPeakyBlinders- I wonder why your husband feels he needs to turn to porn. Maybe having a wife who feels enjoying sex is somehow wrong. Even the WI have moved on these days you know :)

Sandals19 · 12/12/2019 12:03

*There was a thread on here the other day where a man had backed away from a fledgling relationship after the first shag, and everyone was saying what a user, bastard etc. he was

But when the boot is on the other foot, it seems to be fine. ho hum

Tbh on most of the "I've been ghosted/dumped after sex" dating threads I usually think - maybe you're a shit shag - but I'm never brave enough to post on them and say it grin

This thread has just confirmed it for me.*

To be fair women aren't widely known for f*cking and chucking, whereas men .... It's a different dynamic. You dont encounter many men crying about having been "used for sex".

MrsPeakyBlinders · 12/12/2019 14:33

@JustASmallTownCurl

You've got the wrong person I'm afraid - I have never talked about my husband and porn !
Suggest you go and check up because it wasn't me .

MrsPeakyBlinders · 12/12/2019 14:37

The thing is that you have actually not understood my comments at all . There is nothing wrong with a woman having loads of sex with different guys BUT don't be surprised if it isn't great with a virtual stranger . It is your attitude that is shocking - one try and you are out . God help those poor guys you take up with . It's like Strictly Come Shagging .Hope all the guys don't treat you like that and BTW I'm not the only one to say it on here .

beautifulstranger101 · 12/12/2019 14:44

@mrspeakyblinders yes- one try and you're out is entirely appropriate for a man who makes you feel "dehumanised" in bed. Thats the exact word used by the OP. What I find shocking is your assertion that she should just carry on with him because GASP won't someone think of the poor mens?!! Noone is obliged to have sex with anyone they dont want to and the OP has stated categorically she does NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE having sex with him. What part of that is so hard to grasp? I find your attitude to be shocking- that OP should have sex again and again with someone she doesnt feel comfortable with out of pity so as not to hurt his poor little feelings. Good grief.

JacquesHammer · 12/12/2019 14:49

God yes, don’t bother again. Life is too short for shit sex.

And there’s a marked distinction between sex that isn’t great but both parties at least make an effort and sex that isn’t great when the man treats the woman as a receptacle. The former might be worth another go, the latter - no way.

boringornot · 12/12/2019 14:49

@mrspeakyblinders if I had one shag with a guy and he found it "terrible" and "dehumanizing", then YES, I would like him not to shag me ever again. If the first shag is mediocre, fair enough to try again. But terrible? I'd be mortified if someone thought I'm "terrible" and still had sex with me again.

FruitcakeOfHate · 12/12/2019 14:51

Glad you are getting rid. Life is WAY to short for shit sex. I beg to differ than it's difficult to have great sex with a 'virtual stranger'. Ha! I feel sorry for those folks - I've had amazing sex with stranger.

🤣 @ 'Strictly Come Shagging'!

So many attempts to shame women for wanting enjoyable sex.

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