Interested in guy but sex was terrible - WWYD

[everythingisopposite]

I am in my late 40's and had second date with a guy of a similar age. I hadn't expected the date to go well tbh, I thought we were too different and the second date would confirm this. But the opposite happened. He comes from a similar background to me, we found we had values and outlooks in common, I really enjoyed talking with him and I would like to get to know him better. He seems a calm and balanced person which attracts me. There are some things I am potentially unsure about him and want to check out if I get to know him better, but I definitely put him in the 'potential' box.

However, we had sex and it was terrible. Utterly awful. The worst sex I have ever had. I got nothing out of it emotionally or physically. He never touched any part of my body other than my vulva which I felt he was (badly) touching in a perfunctory, functional way. Despite him initiating sex, he failed to get hard and I had to give him oral sex to get him hard. He came really quickly. He was silent throughout and I didn't even realise when he had orgasmed. He's not inexperienced and last year came out of a very long term relationship.

So WWYD? Would you hope it could be improved or give up?

Unfortunately my last partner was utterly amazing in bed, the best sex I have ever had emotionally and physically. It was intoxicating. He made me realise I had been having crap sex all my life.

Is there any hope things could get better?

@Mrshappy2019 I think I know where you're coming from with this question, in my experience the guys with the biggest cocks make the least effort

If you really like him, give him another chance. And if you really like him, talk to him about it. Men are not mind readers.

Obviously, if he doesn’t listen and won’t make an effort, there is no future for the relationship.

Ah I was here to say he’s maybe just not had the right training.. and then he had a small willy, there’s no cure for a small soggy cocktail sausage.

There’s always the chance he’s only shagged the one woman n she’s never wanted to say “hoi your not on a DJ deck or looking for your watch” then throwing nerves in to the mix

Oh god, I have got a text from him saying he has had a cheeky grin on his face all day after last night. And when I got home last night I got a text wishing me sweet dreams and saying he knew he would have sweet dreams.

He really, has no idea this was a dreadful sex experience. I just can't understand that. For me it was gross and really quite dehumanising. I am not sure I could have sex with him again as I couldn't bear to go through that again.

Sigh. I think I will meet up with him again but not have sex. If he still wants to see me without having sex, I will see how much I like / am attracted to him as a person after a couple of weeks. If I do, I may give sex a go again. If it is still awful - cut my losses and go.

Well it's your time you're wasting

Clearly his previous partner was a virgin when they met

OP don't see this guy again, the thought is turning my stomach!

Ugh. I wouldn't bother having another date. Just text back saying this isn't going to work for me, good luck for the future. Otherwise you'll end up feeling sorry for him and having pity sex which will still be shite. I would have been tempted to text back 'You've had cheeky grin on your face all day? After that dismal performance?'

Why would you bother seeing him again? You’ve been very literate with yourself - it wasn’t just bad sex, it was sexual which was bad because he didn’t seem to care who you were and whether you were enjoying it or not.

But you could well also be explaining why men who are shit at sex never realise it: because apparently, the women they have shit sex with not only don’t actually tell them that they weren’t satisfied, they agree to further dates!

Normally I would say give it another chance as the first time with a new person can often be awkward and it takes time to get to know what another person likes/dislikes. HOWEVER- what you have described sounds like he is utterly selfish in bed and thats a dealbreaker for me. Ok, - I could maybe make the excuse that his ex liked it that way but you are a new person and the fact he did it so mechanically and expected you to fix his errection problem whilst not even bothering to ask what YOU wanted is a really bad sign IMO. Also- to not even touch other parts of your body? sorry thats just weird. Really weird.

May be he could be a mate, one that you never have to shag.

Oh, and I think I did give my bad sex bloke (who did also have a small one) another go, in case it was nerves. It wasn't any better. Sounds like you don't even want to face it again.

His lack of effort to make you get off is what really really turns me off. Just sounds like he has no idea but almost that he doesn’t care if you enjoy it or not. His poor ex-wife. I’d give him one more go, tell him exactly what you want. If he can’t step up then cut your losses for sure

Life is too short for shit sex man.

Oh god I really wouldn't waste your time - or his!! The fact he is oblivious makes it worse. If he said something like "sorry I know it wasn't as good as it should be, I was really nervous" then perhaps you could try again. You clearly have the ick too so just stop wasting each other's time.

@everythingisopposite

MrsPeakyBlinders I expected it to be as good as all the other men I have slept with on the first, second or third date. Next question?

So you had great sex with all the other men...blah..blah..? .the funny thing is though it doesn't seem to have done much good unless you are just wanting a life of endlessly shagging men..

Did you try and get him to slow down and kiss you and touch your boobs and body and undress you etc first. Maybe he just wanted to get into it but it’s up to Both. Of you really how it plays out. Did you touch him ? Who took off clothes and how did that happen.

Any guy that is nervous about first time sex and what we think of them doesn’t need to read this thread 😂

This demonstrates why waiting any lengthy period of time before having sex is not beneficial. There’s a lot to be said for first date sex if the chemistry is right.

Getting him hard from oral is not a particular problem. Clearly he needs training though. Is he giving you oral?

You must be in the driving seat here. Will he do exactly what you ask? If so tell him exactly what you want and when.

Some years back I was seeing someone much younger. It wasn’t serious but it turned out to be fun. To begin with the sex wasn’t the best but he was prepared to listen and did well in training . There must be women out there benefiting from my coaching now.

In short, I wouldn’t judge too critically just yet, but the key issue is do you like him and see him as worth the effort.

So you had great sex with all the other men...blah..blah..? .the funny thing is though it doesn't seem to have done much good unless you are just wanting a life of endlessly shagging men

MrsPeakyBlinders

I had sex with the other guys that made me feel like a human who was involved in a process of mutual enjoyment with another human, yes.

Not sure what the 'it hasn't done you any good' comment is meant to be about. Last year I came out of a 17 year marriage. Are all women whose marriages aren't till death do us part relationship failures in your views? That's a whole heap of judgement on a huge proportion of the female population.

Go ahead with your 1950's shaming if you want to. I'm not ashamed.

Good choice of username for you though. It clearly does reflect your personality.

You gave him a BJ which he enjoyed a lot but you didn't have an orgasm because he had no idea what he was doing? And he has no awareness of this? And he's not 16 and he wasn't drunk?

And you intend to see him again?

Well, him and his big smiley face can just do one.

If you see him again, perhaps you could open proceedings with 'is there any reason I should know of why the sex was so terrible the other night?' and take it from there...

Actually I have changed my mind. I am not going to have sex with him again. I'm actually quite upset by how dehumanising I found it. My lip literal curls when I think of it.

I don't think I can teach someone how to have connection with another human being during sex. That's something you feel inside and express in how your treat that person when you are in bed together. I don't think you can learn that if you don't feel it. And the fact that he has no idea what is was like for me is the deal killer. If he had been aware it was a bit crap there might be something to work with. But he seems to think it was a great experience, to be repeated.

I think you’ve made the right choice.

I think you are right too.

I had a previous partner who was technically very good, but always left me feeling as though I could have been a blow up doll for all the connection I felt during sex. No cuddling, no intimacy, just lots of dirty talk and different positions - like he knew how it should be theoretically, but he'd missed the bit about feeling close to somebody.

He hated physical contact of any other kind and would jump out of bed immediately afterwards. So technically 'good' sex isn't always good sex either, if you see what I mean, if they don't understand connection.

Are you going to tell him why?