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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Interested in guy but sex was terrible - WWYD

150 replies

everythingisopposite · 11/12/2019 13:47

I am in my late 40's and had second date with a guy of a similar age. I hadn't expected the date to go well tbh, I thought we were too different and the second date would confirm this. But the opposite happened. He comes from a similar background to me, we found we had values and outlooks in common, I really enjoyed talking with him and I would like to get to know him better. He seems a calm and balanced person which attracts me. There are some things I am potentially unsure about him and want to check out if I get to know him better, but I definitely put him in the 'potential' box.

However, we had sex and it was terrible. Utterly awful. The worst sex I have ever had. I got nothing out of it emotionally or physically. He never touched any part of my body other than my vulva which I felt he was (badly) touching in a perfunctory, functional way. Despite him initiating sex, he failed to get hard and I had to give him oral sex to get him hard. He came really quickly. He was silent throughout and I didn't even realise when he had orgasmed. He's not inexperienced and last year came out of a very long term relationship.

So WWYD? Would you hope it could be improved or give up?

Unfortunately my last partner was utterly amazing in bed, the best sex I have ever had emotionally and physically. It was intoxicating. He made me realise I had been having crap sex all my life.

Is there any hope things could get better?

OP posts:

Butterflyflower1234 · 12/12/2019 14:54

This has been an interesting thread to read. It seems as though you've made your mind up that you expect sex to be perfect right away.

I had sexual issues with my fiancé from the word go. Issues getting/staying hard, arguments over what to do in bed etc but things improved because we spoke about them.

I knew from the beginning that he is a good man that I wanted to get to know better so I was patient in the bedroom department and trust me it has paid off.

All these ladies who think a guy will be rock hard straight away for them are fooling themselves. They also have brains that sometimes work against them, if they over think or worry they won't be hard. Also the guy is 45 years of age, he's not some stud 20 year old.

Only you can decide whether you want to give this a try. If you do give it a try, I pray the poor man ever reads this thread. Can you imagine a women finding a thread on how crap she was in bed.

Waterandlemonjuice · 12/12/2019 15:00

Good decision OP.

Jane1978xx · 12/12/2019 15:28

@Butterflyflower1234. I agree and it should also work both ways. If nothing else had gone on and you weren’t ‘ready’ why agree to the p in v 🤷🏼‍♀️. Ask to slow things unless we are getting into the whole other territory it wasn’t fully consensual. Everyone is entitled to good sex but you have to speak up at the time on what you want or call a halt

Treesthemovie · 12/12/2019 15:48

There's a world of difference between sex being awkward, not the most exciting etc the first time and someone in their bloody 40s who doesn't even touch his partner anywhere during sex and makes her feel dehumanised.

I'm very sympathetic to nerves, erection problems and so on, we can all get nervous and be unsure at the start. But making 0 effort? That's something else entirely and does indicate some dodgy views or porn addiction.

beautifulstranger101 · 12/12/2019 15:57

@treesthemovie - completely agree. For those saying "poor guy, give him another chance!" clearly didnt actually read what OP wrote. She said sex with him was "dehumanising" and awful. Thats not just nerves or errection issues- that speaks to his entire attitude towards women. Anyone who thinks OP should continue having sex with a man who makes her feel less than human seriously needs to examine their views because that is seriously fcked up.

Mammabear111 · 12/12/2019 16:02

Sounds terrible

joystir59 · 12/12/2019 16:03

My ex h was awful in the ways you describe OP. He came out as gay eventually.

Jane1978xx · 12/12/2019 16:06

I agree don’t give him another chance but there was opportunity to stop or make a change that first time

lifeisgoodagain · 12/12/2019 16:11

My experience is that they do start to have issues so it all comes down to other factors, i don't need an amazing sex life if everything else is perfect.

HepzibahGreen · 12/12/2019 16:28

Lots of men suffer with nerves or ED in middle age. Most women are very understanding about those things. That's NOT what OP was on about!
He could be as floppy as a 6 week old carrot but that's no excuse for treating her like a receptacle.

Cheeseandwin5 · 12/12/2019 17:04

I would wonder if a female wrote in to say that after a period of courting she had had sex with someone after which she had been immediately dropped, would she get the same answers that have been posted here.

ravenmum · 12/12/2019 17:06

Obviously not, but if she wrote in and said that when she had sex with the guy who dumped her, she just lay flat on her back and let him get on with it, I'm going to say the answers would be similar.

beautifulstranger101 · 12/12/2019 17:12

@cheeseandwin5 if she refused to touch him, wa selfish in bed and treated his dck like nothing more than a vibrator then yes, she would.

FruitcakeOfHate · 12/12/2019 17:19

Anyone who thinks OP should continue having sex with a man who makes her feel less than human seriously needs to examine their views because that is seriously fcked up.

This!

And his health is his problem to sort out, he's an adult and responsible for himself and dealing with ED if he has it.

But the issue is that the OP felt like a receptacle and found sex with him dehumanising.

Original poster

everythingisopposite · 12/12/2019 17:23

The thing is that you have actually not understood my comments at all . There is nothing wrong with a woman having loads of sex with different guys BUT don't be surprised if it isn't great with a virtual stranger . It is your attitude that is shocking - one try and you are out . God help those poor guys you take up with
This is misogyny in action, folks. It doesn't matter how a man makes you feel - if he treats you as a receptacle, if he doesn't make you feel like a person or a human - it is your job as a woman to keep opening your legs, as HIS feelings matter more than yours. That is the essence of what you are saying. And to apply it to sex, to make women think they should have sex they do not want for a man's feelings it not just misogyny but rape culture.

It seems as though you've made your mind up that you expect sex to be perfect right away
No but I do expect to feel respected and treated like a person and an equal. Every other partner I have had has managed that, even one night stands, so I know I am not asking too much, or more than most men can manage.

Thanks to all those who recognise that women are entitled to assert basic standards and boundaries in their sexual lives.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 12/12/2019 17:26

It would be really interesting if you could ask him how you thought it went last night. Wait for his (presumably positive) response, then ask how he thought it was for you.

For you to say several times that it was dehumanising, it's appalling that he didn't recognise this. Please don't meet him again - what is the point?

Aminuts23 · 12/12/2019 17:26

God end it now. I remember the first time with my ex was a massive disappointment. I’d had lots of average and good sex prior to him. He was small and didn’t really touch me at all. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and stayed with him. A few months in I used to cry silently after sex because I felt used, and he’d get the hump if I refused.
It never improved. I tried to make it better but he was too selfish to learn or remember. I stayed years. Huge regrets.
I’ve been on my own a few years now. I’d say it’s put me off sex for life! I used to really enjoy it too

FruitcakeOfHate · 12/12/2019 17:27

Spot on, everything! Real undercurrent of shaming women for enjoying sex on this thread.

nrpmum · 12/12/2019 18:06

That's NOT what OP was on about!
He could be as floppy as a 6 week old carrot

I'm sorry but that just cracked me up!

@everythingisopposite

You are absolutely right to not see him again.

Grumpelstilskin · 12/12/2019 18:21

I'd personally tell him that it felt horrible and was utterly unfullfilling. Call it a parting gift.

beautifulstranger101 · 12/12/2019 18:43

Now Im wondering what a 6 week old carrot looks like

beautifulstranger101 · 12/12/2019 18:46

@Aminuts23

OMG thats AWFUL. Noone should be crying after sex because they feel used, I'm so sorry you went through that.
Please dont give up- there are some decent men out there and I hope you find someone considerate, and loving and awesome in bed

Iflyaway · 12/12/2019 19:03

Maybe he has a porn addiction and thinks women come screaming just from a man showing them a penis. I'm howling, thanks for that

Me too! So good.... And true!

Iflyaway · 12/12/2019 20:00

the guy is 45 years of age, he's not some stud 20 year old.

But you'd think by the age of 45 he might have learnt a thing or 2 about sex and how to please a woman....

You're making a very ageist statement.

I'm coming on for 65 and still have multiple orgasms

Clymene · 12/12/2019 20:22

Good sex is where the participants try to pleasure each other as much as they do themselves. Actually, I'd argue that the very best sex is where you're focused on one another's pleasure.

Sex with someone who doesn't care if you're enjoying it or not is at best a bore and at worst, feels like an assault.

I very much feel for his poor ex-wife.

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