Do men prefer submissive and obedient women?

[Swlondon123]

My current boyfriend's longest relationship was 6 years with a woman who worshipped the ground he walked on. I am more assertive and argumentative and I think it's more difficult for me to sustain a realtionship than other women.

I wish I was more obedient as although feminism and equality have become the norm nature is still sexist and men prefer to have a leading role in a relationship. Do you agree with this?

I wish I could bite my tongue, but I am too damn opinionated for my own good which I think is causing realtionship failures on my part.

Is the best way to sustain a realtionship through submissiveness and obedience? Can I please have some thoughts on this matter?

Not in my experience. I've always been assertive and opinionated, and never had any trouble pulling.

Also there is really interesting research from all the data gathered on online dating.

Women are more popular the younger they are.
Men are more popular the taller and richer they are.
And one of the least popular groups was educated women.

If you are a woman who likes a strong dominant man then you must learn to be submissive and yes bite your tongue and trust your man’s leadership. Feminine women attract masculine men. To be feminine means to also respect the fact that a man should have the final say in decision making.. in fact it makes your life easier too. Yes I’m old fashioned but that’s why I’m married to a strong man.

I do not think that most of the men I know, or indeed most of the people I know, like submissive partners...but...

I’ve observed there’s a category of person who likes:
Women who are tinkly, or quiet
Women who laugh at their jokes
Women whose attention is on the home, the kids, or on them
People who present as unchallenging
People who don’t really form opinions at all, or they keep them quiet
People who can perform well as wedding guests/dinner party guests
People who keep slim and dress ‘normally’

My BIL has always had girlfriends like this, with so little about them but they are ‘presentable’. I’ve known women like this too, it’s all about making sure they don’t rock any man’s boat. I guess I know men too who have to fit in (eg in finance - be identikit, don’t stand out).

So anyway, yes I think some men do like unchallenging women even if they’d be horrified to have that conflated with ‘subservient’.

My husband certainly wouldn't want an argumentative wife, but he's happy with an assertive one and certainly doesn't expect or get submission.

Similarly, I wouldn't want an argumentative husband.

I think it's bound to be difficult if both partners are 'feisty and opinionated'

anessia you can be feminine and have an opinion. To suggest otherwise is absolutely ridiculous.

The words submissive and obedient make me cringe, that’s an awful way for someone to be. You’re a human being, not a dog.

You can worship the ground someone walks on while still knowing that sometimes they have stupid opinions etc.

Anessia What a terrible, sexist way to look at relationships. My DH is masculine and confident enough in his masculinity to not be afraid of a strong woman

The words submissive and obedient make me cringe, that’s an awful way for someone to be. You’re a human being, not a dog.* You can worship the ground someone walks on while still knowing that sometimes they have stupid opinions etc.*

Perfectly put.

My boyfriend adores me and if I asked him to then he would do anything for me that I really needed. And vice versa. We impress each other with our work and make each other laugh all the time.

BUT

We are also individuals who each make up half of our team but also have an entire identity all of our own. We discuss, compromise and find a solution that works for us.

I had an ex who pretended to agree with everything I thought, told me I was right when I was absolutely wrong, didn't plan anything ever so that if I was free he'd be available. I have never felt so smothered in my life and by the end (this sounds so horrible) it got to a skin crawling situation because other than gazing at me adoringly and agreeing with me. He had no opinion on politics, entertainment... anything - he would wait for my opinion then blindly agree with it.

Like I say I find that TOTALLY smothering and the biggest turn off ever. Maybe some people would like it but I think the vast majority would rather have a partner they had a laugh with and could have a healthy debate and tell each other when they're being a dickhead.

I've always said the ideal partner is basically a best friend who you also want to shag all the time. Not an "obedient" wet blanket.

I’m just wondering if English is maybe not your first language OP? Because ‘obedient’ is such a weird word to use in the context of an adult relationship. More appropriate to training a dog!

Is this real?

I'm on the fence.

I used the word "obedient" as that was the word my current boyfriend used when describing his longest relationshiop. They were together for 6 years but they still split up in the end.

My longest relationship was 6.5 years with a very obedient man, and I will never forget this wonderful man who let me be the decision maker.

You both called your exes obedient then. And you seemed to like that description of him saying he was wonderful and let you make all the decisions. It's horses for courses, everyone is individual.

If you're having to "bite your tongue" and actively modify your natural temperament in an effort to make yourself seem more "obedient" and "subservient" then is that really a relationship you want to be in long term?

To be 50% of a good relationship you should both be able to be 100% yourselves. Compromise is a must, changing your fundamental impulses and personality traits is shit.

No.

Next question

(other men's opinions are available)

If my DH did he was out of luck

No, I don't think all men do. I definitely wore the trousers in our relationship, but he wasn't a doormat, we had some, ahem, healthy debates about stuff.

My ex wanted a submissive obedient girlfriend he could dominate and abuse. I was probably more myself with DH after spending 2 years as a victim and deciding never to do that again.

@justasmalltowncurl

To be 50% of a good relationship you should both be able to be 100% yourselves. Compromise is a must, changing your fundamental impulses and personality traits is shit.

This. Great description of what makes it work. Compromise, yes because we all nearly compromise to some extent but don't try and be someone your not for the sake of a relationship - miserable existence.

I'd rather be alone than twist myself into knots to please some bloke. Fuck that.

If you think a relationship with a man is more important than being yourself then you need therapy.

@BertrandRussell
You make me laugh. Dump. Just one word straight to the point. I’ve noticed this a couple of times. Couldn’t agree more.
Op you’re not a dog. You don’t need to be obedient ffs.

No-one likes people who are argumentative! But no, I wouldn't say that most men want a woman who is obedient.

It depends what is meant by argumentative. Arguing for the sake of it and wanting to win at any cost,all the time is exhausting and off putting.

Not wanting to change who you are,what you wear,how you behave etc and standing up for yourself is perfectly fine. However,if you find yourself doing it a lot, that means the relationship is toxic and you're better off out of it.

No one should be obedient, unless they are a dog.

Why does one person need to be dominant? What you need op is to find your equal and create a strong partnership. And perhaps have some therapy to discuss your fairly extreme and worrying views on relationships.

yes bite your tongue and trust your man’s leadership. Feminine women attract masculine men. To be feminine means to also respect the fact that a man should have the final say in decision making.. in fact it makes your life easier too. Yes I’m old fashioned but that’s why I’m married to a strong man

wow, just wow . Surely not. Where do I get me one of them^^ strong men

No-one likes people who are argumentative!

I don't know whether this is cultural. The English really maybe don't like argumentative people. My Scottish family love arguing!