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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I dumped because of sex?

130 replies

Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 11:28

Sooo I’m probably being really stupid and naive and please don’t judge me. I was seeing this guy for about a month, we got in so well, chemistry was amazing, made effort to see me, bought me flowers and all that crap. I ended up sleeping with him last weekend and it got to Wednesday when we was meant to be seeing me and he said that he didn’t think this was right for him at the moment and thinks he has rushed into things after his ex and doesn’t want to keep seeing me if he’s not sure about it. He is intending to go back in the army but surely if it was that he would just say?? I did text him the day after explaining how I felt and he just ignored it. Feel pretty shitty and maybe think I shouldn’t of had sex with him? Thoughts?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 08/12/2019 11:36

Did you enjoy the sex? If so chalk it down to experience and move on.

He’s shown you what sort of person he is, don’t waste any more headspace on it.

FWIW I don’t think either of you are unreasonable in what you want, but you don’t seem compatible. Make sure you make your needs/boundaries clear on future dates.

goingtoneedabiggercar · 08/12/2019 11:36

It's not you it's him. He got what he wanted then cleared off. At least you found out now.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 11:40

Well it was a bit awkward as I was very cautious and he knew this, he knew I was worried about it ruining things but he just said surely it would make things even better? He said it wasn’t the right time. Is this just an excuse?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 11:41

Do you think even if I had of waited he would of done this?

OP posts:
StayClassySally · 08/12/2019 11:42

It's an excuse.

It would have happened if you had waited or he wouldn't have stuck around to wait.

Be glad it's happened now rather than later when you've fallen further for him.

On to the next one.

JacquesHammer · 08/12/2019 11:43

He said it wasn’t the right time. Is this just an excuse?

None of us can know. He might have had sex and realised he wasn’t ready. Or he might have had sex and got what he wanted.

Either way it’s way better to find out sooner rather than later that there’s no future.

BitOfFun · 08/12/2019 11:43

He'd have got bored and moved on, I suspect. It does sound like he was just after a shag. Don't blame yourself for him being a shitty human being though- you did nothing wrong.

ebenezerscroogedmeover · 08/12/2019 11:44

Some men like the 'chase' as sad as it is!

There's no point thinking about ifs and buts,

Move on, have a lovely Christmas and treat the new year as a new opportunity to meet someone better! SmileThanks

HellonHeels · 08/12/2019 11:44

If you'd waited, he would have done it at that point - sounds like he was just after a shag. It's not you, it's him Flowers

TigerDater · 08/12/2019 11:49

You’ve done nothing wrong OP, in fact I would say you’ve done everything right - especially telling him how his shitty actions have made you feel. I would be really pissed off in your shoes, but not at all at myself- only at him. I suggest you now delete conversations and his number. Some would also say block him, because this type often come back for seconds and it’s best not to even give him the opportunity.

SonataDentata · 08/12/2019 11:52

I agree re. the blocking. Don’t allow him the chance to circle back round when he’s bored/horny.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 11:58

Well when he messaged me that I did say that it seems a bit weird he’s doing this since we had just slept together and he said it had nothing to do with sleeping with me and if he wanted to just sleep with me he would of come around (Wednesday night) I’m really not sure I was just starting to like him

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 08/12/2019 12:00

So he treated you like crap (either wasn't sure he was ready, but dated/shagged anyway or was just after a shag) and you've managed to twist this into it somehow being your fault? Are you usually so willing to blame yourself when others are so obviously at fault?

Never meet a decent guy who judged a woman for having sex 'too early' or see that as a reason for dumping.

The only men who do are misogynistic bastards who will find anything a reason to judge a woman: too early = slag; to late = frigid; too enthuastic = slag; not enthusiastic = frigid etc etc.

You need to work on your self esteem. Actively trying to accept responsibility for other's bad actions is going to fuck with your head big time. You should be temporarily pissed off, chalk it up to experience and move on. Not beating yourself up for having sex with someone who managed to charm his way past your boundaries.

PumpkinP · 08/12/2019 12:04

He clearly just wanted a shag.

Littleshortcake · 08/12/2019 12:07

It's happened now and it's very hurtful but it looks like he was using you and that's awful. Flowers

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 12:07

No I’m not. I came on here for advice and what other women thought not to be made to feel worse. I just didn’t think things were always black and white.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/12/2019 12:15

If you'd have waited longer, he'd have still done this.

You haven't done anything wrong.

TooleyVanDooley · 08/12/2019 12:21

You can’t be sexually compatible with everyone, and the only way you find out whether you are or not, is to do it. All this agonising over when is the right time to do it is pointless, it’s not going to change the outcome. Allow yourself to be miserable today, then dust yourself down and start looking for someone else.

xChristmasJumperx · 08/12/2019 12:21

Yeh, he wanted sex, he wanted excitement. He wanted to date.

He didn't know you well enough to want you.

I've been bitten a few times, and it's awful.

Mermaidsinthesand · 08/12/2019 12:34

Maybe he realised after sex you and him weren't compatible for a sexual relationship it happens. We cant win them all

Move on and dont be hard on yourself

letsdolunch321 · 08/12/2019 13:03

Unfortunately OP this is what I would say 75% of men are like on OLD sites. I was on these sites over a five year period looking for a good guy.

You could be the great person giving the sleazy fuckers from OLD sites the best sexual experience ever but they will still make an excuse not to see you again.

Men like that are moulded to be absolute vile bastards who take advantage of women on OLD sites.

It is nothing you have said or done, it is how men work these sites.

One guy I met told me it was like being in a sweet shop with lots of sweets to chose from.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/12/2019 13:09

Send him a crying with laughter emoji in response to the last excuse and ignore him.

IdiotInDisguise · 08/12/2019 13:13

You could have waited for a year or sleep with him in the first night and get a different response. This is not your fault or his fault, he may have been looking for only sex or the sex brought him some bad memories but either way, you need to stop over analysing the situation and move on, this is not about you or what you did or didn’t do.

IdiotInDisguise · 08/12/2019 13:14

And be mindful that a hurt pride can be more painful than a broken heart, you were not even sure you liked him so don’t forget that.

madcatladyforever · 08/12/2019 13:24

There is no point agonising about it, you will never know what his problem is.
I had sex on a first date, well it wasn't even a date we met at a friends barbeque and one thing led to another and a 20 year marriage came from it.
I've had sex on other dates and never seen them again.
I didn't let it woryy me at the time. A lot of men seem to have very old fashioned ideas about long tem relationships with "easy women" which is ridiculous these days.
I find men seem to like you more the worse you treat them.