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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I dumped because of sex?

130 replies

Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 11:28

Sooo I’m probably being really stupid and naive and please don’t judge me. I was seeing this guy for about a month, we got in so well, chemistry was amazing, made effort to see me, bought me flowers and all that crap. I ended up sleeping with him last weekend and it got to Wednesday when we was meant to be seeing me and he said that he didn’t think this was right for him at the moment and thinks he has rushed into things after his ex and doesn’t want to keep seeing me if he’s not sure about it. He is intending to go back in the army but surely if it was that he would just say?? I did text him the day after explaining how I felt and he just ignored it. Feel pretty shitty and maybe think I shouldn’t of had sex with him? Thoughts?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 08/12/2019 15:51

But if he didn’t enjoy the sex, that’s ok! You’re never going to be sexually compatible with everyone!

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 15:54

Yeah but if he really liked me then surely he would want to do it again to see how it was. It’s always awkward first time around, you don’t know what each other likes etc

OP posts:
noworlater13 · 08/12/2019 16:00

First of all you are trying to find an answer to his behaviour without knowing who he is.
He didn't go off you because of bad sex he went off you because he just wanted sex.
I'm sorry your going through this but if you keep thinking about the ifs and buts and making excuses or trying to find reasons your just going to go round in circles.

He may changes his mind in a few days/ weeks at which point your should run!!!
The honest shit sandwich he had served you shoes you who he is. He could of prevented hurting you before the sex.

The fact you say you were cautious is untrue to him, because he still got what HE wanted.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 16:06

I agree, it’s an awful big coincidence that he’s decided the timing is off after we have had sex. I just wanted some kind of answer for my own sanity

OP posts:
loutypips · 08/12/2019 16:06

Sex is sex to most men. As long as they cum they don't care how it happens.

Unfortunately, he got what he wanted and will probably move on to the next one. It's not you. Some men enjoy all the flirting and chasing, then when they get their end away they lose all interest. Sadly a by product of tinder and the like!

MaidenMotherCrone · 08/12/2019 16:06

Stop now. I think, given your overthinking and handwringing, he's run for the hills.

Whatever his reasons are you have to accept it's over (it didn't really get going).

Messaging him the day after he let you know telling him how you feel? What were you thinking? He said he didn't want a relationship with you. End of.

Daisy7654 · 08/12/2019 16:07

Modern advice. Chalk it up to experience, you did nothing wrong.
Traditional advice: He, like many men, was/is a player. His pursuit and seducing (you mentioned flowers etc) of you, were purely to get into your knickers and now you're conquested he'll move on (to the next). Plenty of men think like this, for years.

Take your pick.

newdeer · 08/12/2019 16:13

He wa sjust after one thing. He got it. Be glad you didn't keep him waiting longer, imagining you were developing a genuine and close relationship. Just block him and start looking elsewhere for a good man.

category12 · 08/12/2019 16:18

At least he didn't ghost you.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 16:22

Sorry for wanting to get things of my chest as I thought I had something good with someone.

OP posts:
MiniPanda · 08/12/2019 16:42

OP in the nicest way possible he was feeding you lines and telling you what he thought you wanted to hear so he could get his leg over, now the deed is done he's not interested. It is absolutely no reflection on you, if you'd have waited he'd have likely lost interest and moved on to the next anyway so if anything you've just sped up the process of realising he's a bit of a douche.

I know it smarts a bit now, but look at his actions not his words and try not to give it any more headspace.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 16:44

Yeah it was just the effort he was putting in it all just seems a bit much for a one time thing when he could just get sex without having to do that

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 08/12/2019 16:45

Sorry for wanting to get things of my chest as I thought I had something good with someone

In the kindest way, it had barely got going. I think you had very different expectations from him, which is fine. Neither of you are in the wrong, but you do need to consider whether you want to make your wishes clear up front.

But if you want sex, have it! Don’t equate sex with payment for a relationship.

Sagradafamiliar · 08/12/2019 16:48

It's a tale as old as time, OP. He hit and quit. Maybe you being cautious was the extra thrill for him and he enjoyed the chase. It's grim. I'm sorry you're hurting and questioning yourself over it, but you shouldn't.

Techway · 08/12/2019 16:50

Op, all you can do is chalk this up to experience. Did you ignore your instincts? Will you be wiser next time around?

If you are struggling to bounce back from this rejection then perhaps you need to wait longer to have sex. However you can still get dumped 3 or 6 months down the line as relationships are not risk free. Best advice is to trust your instincts and never invest more than you can afford to lose.

A month is still way too early to think he might be a good guy. Anyone can keep up a pretense for a few months.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 08/12/2019 16:52

OP, you're giving this too much thought. Your responses make me think you are still trying to find a reason that means it was you at fault and not him.

But it really isn't you, it really is him, and there's one thin you mentioned in your OP that makes me think he's done this to more than one woman. You wrote "He is intending to go back in the army" but you are both only 26, so I don't get how he can have been in, left, and then go back in. You can't just quit the army, you have to wait for them to agree to release you, which can take years in some cases. So this is an excuse in my mind, one he hopes will lead you to back off and move on.

Excuses or not, you do need to move on. You also need to realise that with a lot of OLD you don't get closure every time, and you will need to develop a thick skin.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 16:52

I suppose he didn’t need to give me an explanation and he did which is a decent thing to do

OP posts:
Nicolanomore24 · 08/12/2019 16:53

Just been through something similar. Maybe having sex just made him think that the relationship was becoming more serious and he wasn’t ready for it?

I just had almost the exact same thing happen to me. I felt bad for a few days and wished I hadn’t slept with him, but do you know what who cares? It was only sex, I slept with him because I wanted to, it was good at the time and I would have liked to have kept seeing him but what’s meant to be will be.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 16:55

Hmmm he left three years ago and I know from my brother being in the army that they are manned down at the minute and he could be back in within a month.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 16:56

Did he give you an explanation?

OP posts:
Intheheat · 08/12/2019 16:58

Given how affected you have been by this you maybe need to slow it down even more with the next guy you date. Give yourself longer to get to know him but even then no relationship is risk free. Sex does change the dynamic and it makes you vulnerable. I know you are feeling horribly rejected and he doesn't sound great but at least he didn't ghost you. That would have hurt even more. Cut all contact and don't let it dent your confidence too much. X

ballsdeep · 08/12/2019 17:00

This is the biggest excuse ever. My best friend used to go on dating sites, get wined and dined, had sex and then the old I'm hung up on my ex, it's too soon excuse came out. Every time.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 17:12

And it was just excuses? Are these ever found out to be true haha

OP posts:
MiniPanda · 08/12/2019 17:32

And it was just excuses? Are these ever found out to be true haha

But what does it matter whether the excuses are true or not? Ultimately as cliché as it sounds if a guy likes you he'll move mountains to be with you, not make excuses to drop you the moment you have sex.

Original poster
Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 17:39

Well it’s obviously affected me: it’s easy for people to sit there and say move on etc but when it feels like someone has invested so much into you it’s hard to believe they would just fuck off after a one time sex thing.

OP posts: