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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was I dumped because of sex?

130 replies

Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 11:28

Sooo I’m probably being really stupid and naive and please don’t judge me. I was seeing this guy for about a month, we got in so well, chemistry was amazing, made effort to see me, bought me flowers and all that crap. I ended up sleeping with him last weekend and it got to Wednesday when we was meant to be seeing me and he said that he didn’t think this was right for him at the moment and thinks he has rushed into things after his ex and doesn’t want to keep seeing me if he’s not sure about it. He is intending to go back in the army but surely if it was that he would just say?? I did text him the day after explaining how I felt and he just ignored it. Feel pretty shitty and maybe think I shouldn’t of had sex with him? Thoughts?

OP posts:
SoleBizzz · 08/12/2019 20:57

Some people are good at being fake. One month is an easy period of time to keep up the pretence of wanting more than sex. Some people fake their real intentions fir years. You are the healthy person, he will never make a Woman happy. Ever

Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 21:00

I have been messed about before and this didn’t feel like messing about. How he spoke to me how he was with me, just doesn’t feel like it. I know men can be great pretenders, but sometimes they’re not are they. But I guess he gave me his reasons so I need to just accept them

OP posts:
TigerDater · 08/12/2019 21:14

Yes OP, he gave you his reasons and after 10 dates you probably know him well enough to be right in thinking those reasons are valid, even if they’re not what you want to hear. For what it’s worth I think you’ve been really unlucky and your pain at this is understandable. I hope you feel better soon 💐

BitOfFun · 08/12/2019 21:43

Leolion, I certainly don't mean to imply that men are all wickdippers. I think that they are, in all the essentials, emotionally much the same as women.

What I do not think, however, is that normal mature adults are seized by some kind of psychological crisis after sex, whereby they become overwhelmed by the strength of their feelings and need to execute a swift and rather rude retreat from the person they have just slept with.

If a man (or woman) appears to lose interest after sex, it is generally because they were enjoying the chase and/or the build-up of sexual tension, and then find themselves considerably less fascinated than previously.

When you hear hooves, assume horses rather than zebras, and you'll seldom be wrong.

Chocmallows · 08/12/2019 21:51

You can accept, but it's human nature to question why... was it him, was it me etc. Also it's normal to feel disappointment as you no doubt had expectations that this would go further. Give yourself a big hug and have a cry. Then onwards and upwards!

j712adrian · 08/12/2019 21:55

He was after a shag.

LauraMacArthur · 08/12/2019 21:56

You don't have to wait a certain number of dates to have sex. You sound worried about being judged, but what do you actually think? If you think it's ok to have sex earlier than that then go for it, you'll find out if you're compatible at an earlier stage, and only weed out people you're incompatible with. Otherwise, wait until you're comfortable.

I think he might have just decided that you're incompatible - he's had a month to get to know you, and maybe he just isn't feeling it at this stage. That could to do with the sexual connection, or anything else really. Neither of you have to be in the wrong imo. You're not going to be compatible with everyone.

Personally I find it sexist that some people think any less of women who have sex after one or two dates, and wouldn't want to be with anyone who held those views.

happinessischocolate · 08/12/2019 22:00

Well it’s obviously affected me: it’s easy for people to sit there and say move on etc but when it feels like someone has invested so much into you it’s hard to believe they would just fuck off after a one time sex thing.

The secret is to only have sex with them when you really want to, then if they fuck off afterwards you don't question the motives because you can honestly say "I wanted sex, I had sex, I wasn't used"

I was seeing someone for 2 months, loads of lovely dates, loads for messaging, but I wasn't ready to have sex with him and then suddenly one day he went quiet on me, then he got in touch, he'd bumped into his ex and realised he was still in love with her. He apologised said he should have told me but was hoping the feeling would pass and we could carry on. The thing is, it still hurt, I liked him, rejection hurts, and I could have thought maybe I should have had sex because we always question whether there's something we could have done different, but that fact is it's on them not us, if it didn't work it didn't work, it doesn't really matter why.

But please in future only have sex when you really want to, not cause he was really nice, or bought flowers or paid for a meal, do it because you want to rip his clothes off 😁

StarlightLady · 08/12/2019 22:03

OP, in my book you did wait before you had sex. I certainly would not wait as long as a month with someone.

I’m sorry this did not work out for you. And it really is best not to view sex ss something we give to a man.

My sister first had sex with her now husband within 2 hours of meeting him. They have been martied for years.

Anniewayte91 · 08/12/2019 22:15

Hmm yeah it’s just tough not to question things and I feel I have to make sense of things. Suppose it was stupid posting on here because I’ve had lots of different opinions which has essentially made it worse Grin

OP posts:
leolion81 · 08/12/2019 22:18

Bit of fun I agree normal mature people don't behave like that, but today's dating world is quite frankly a nightmare full of people who don't know what they want and mess people around with no regard to feelings.
I do agree in some instances men who enjoy the chase will lose interest however I also think some will start something with the intention of keeping it casual, develop feelings and move on before they get too attached.
What I'm trying to say is when you encounter a lot of men who behave in similar shitty ways I don't think they all have the same motives or reasons for their behaviour, and to say 'he was after a shag' as some have said is too easy a conclusion.

Chocmallows · 08/12/2019 22:26

OP after questioning the situtuation and now even more perspectives you still don't know what happened.

You could ask him for more information, but would you trust him? With time you won't need to know as your life will have moved on and he will be history!

BitOfFun · 08/12/2019 22:29

Fair enough, Leolion. It certainly sounds like a jungle out there Grin.

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/12/2019 23:10

He told you he wanted to settle down to get sex and once he got it off he went.

This unfortunately is common dating practice.

Graphista · 08/12/2019 23:13

He’s a 26 yr old ex squaddie?

That and his behaviour says to me it was the thrill of the chase, he was never interested in you beyond sex and “not the right time” is a way to try and keep you on the back burner - if he hits a dry spell and is horny he can say he’s “now ready” to get into your bed again.

I’m the daughter, granddaughter and ex wife of squaddies, not all of them but the vast majority are frankly shag hounds! Especially in their 20’s!

It’s why I made my ex wait almost 4 months before we did anything more than kiss, I was very wary about getting involved with a squaddie (rightly as it turned out) and made it clear I wasn’t just going to be another notch on his bedpost.

You have done NOTHING WRONG you’ve been charmed and misled, they are very good at this.

Seriously forget him, block him and don’t waste any more time even thinking about him.

Unfortunately they often see wary, reluctant “virginal” types as a challenge to be “conquered”, various “games” and “bets” with each other along these lines, I would say a bit like “dangerous liaisons” although “cruel intentions” is a closer maturity level to be honest.

With a brother in the army, depending on the relationship you have with him it could be good to double check with him what I’ve said - most guys in the army warn sisters etc off dating squaddies cos they know what many of them are like.

And yea yea yea not all squaddies are like that... but a lot are especially the younger ones

Anniewayte91 · 09/12/2019 07:35

Can’t really talk to him about that stuff. I wouldn’t say I’m a virginal type as I do have a child haha. But yeah I had spoken to him about this stuff and he said the girls in the past new it was just sex from the get go, I never took them out or anything but then I guess he’s going to say that isn’t he Grin I just feel it’s a awful big coincidence that he’s suddenly realised the timing is wrong after we slept together, why go through all that effort? Pretty pathetic if you ask me

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 09/12/2019 07:45

Why go to all that bother?

Because some men are led by their dicks and get off on the chase and subsequent conquest. He’s probably spent a lot of time refining his patter to such an extent he probably believes it him selves.

I feel I have to make sense of things.

You feel you need to blame yourself, you mean.

Anniewayte91 · 09/12/2019 08:06

Yeah I want to blame myself you’re right. Having hard time believing how fake someone can be, pathetic really

OP posts:
afterme · 09/12/2019 08:44

The thing is, people can just change their mind. I’ve done it myself - arranged to see someone again then it doesn’t feel right and I have called it off. It may or may not be about the sex and his explanation may or may not be true. You have to accept it, however hurtful.

Anniewayte91 · 09/12/2019 15:10

May I add his friend list has gone up by quite a few girls Grin haha

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 09/12/2019 15:37

You’ve just got to forget about it and move on. Some people just aren’t sexually compatible

butterflyFed · 09/12/2019 15:40

I am sorry OP, you must be hurt, but I found that sex is tricky for me at this point of my life (married, kids, cheated on, divorced). It used to be easy, it used to be spontaneous, it used to be fine.

I have had sex with only two people after I divorced. The first, were best friends for a year, intense chemistry, got on so well... Went on a date and had sex. I had never felt so empty. And it was not him, I am pretty sure I am carrying my own trauma and wasn't ready.

The second, was just crap sex, enough for not been bothered to try again. I obviously let him down politely, not mentioning the dissapointment.

So it could be one way or another, or a totally different feeling. But that is not relevant. Don't duel on it because you can't change whatever he is feeling. Learn from this and take your time to feel better before dating the next guy.

Anniewayte91 · 09/12/2019 15:49

Yeah I need to forget about it I know but I don’t think you can tell if you’re sexually compatible with someone after one time. It’s always crap the first time it’s always awkward

OP posts:
thecatsarecrazy · 09/12/2019 16:00

When this happens it's very hurtful. Can't help but think it's us. It's not

thecatsarecrazy · 09/12/2019 16:01

I didn't mean to post so early. I had a guy message me morning noon and night. As soon as I slept with him he vanished. I couldn't help but feel awful after but it seems to happen alot.

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