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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just so down

118 replies

kshaw · 08/12/2019 09:08

Sorry if this is long or no paragraphs etc. I'm just looking for an outside prospective.

I have been with DH eight years. We have a two year old DD and we got married in August. We live in private rented housing which isn't perfect but it certainly is home to me. DH is above average intelligence and definitely something I love him for. He's also very ambitious.
I'll start this off with saying I'm really anxious when it comes and hate there being an atmosphere.
When things are good they're really good. I love my husband and our little family. But I cannot cope with the arguing and anger issues from him anymore. Since we got back from honeymoon every weekend has been an argument over something. Often feel it's really trivial. If I show an opinion different to his I am 'demeaning, belittling and insulting' him. He believes I don't listen to him. I think he means I don't do exactly as he says or i don't agree with his opinion. An example of arguements we've had are that I didn't thank him enough for vacuuming (his own house FFS) then the week after he knew my thank you wasnt sincere enough and was just saying it for sale of saying it. When we argue his anger is palpable. He can't sit still. He literally pouts. I can never admit I'm in the wrong or he runs with it, so if I say yes I was wrong to do that I will be selfish for doing it and not let it go.
I can honestly say if he'd have been like this so consistently on the run up to the wedding I wouldn't have gone through with it.
The latest thing is he wants to buy a house so everything about our current rented accommodation isn't good enough and it's making him unhappy. We talked about this before we got married (when we got engaged we were living in London with zero chance of buying so we're focussed on the wedding, we then moved back up north and we chatted and he said he wanted to get married before buying), his parents have graciously offered us a very generous deposit but we both agreed need at least 10k saved so can pay fees etc and decorate and buy new furniture. We don't have 10k yet but he's obsessed with buying. He'd found one he liked went to view. I went to view it yesterday and was underwhelmed with it. Voiced my opinions and I was just barraged with insults. It's like I'm not allowed an opinion if it isn't the same as his. I was honest with him and said I don't want to commit to buying with him right now, I need to not be legally financially tied to him so I can leave with our little girl this is how unhappy I am at the minute. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of having to apologise for stuff to call an end to the argument when I don't really mean it. He obviously didn't take it well which is fine. We were still arguing and I'll admit I was shouting but he came right into my face clapped as loud as he could 3-4 times right at the end of my nose and then screamed in my face 'silence'...I was holding our two year old at that point. I walked away with her and she kept saying 'daddy made me sad'. Afte rboth had calmed down a bit he obnoxiously said to me it's my behaviour that lead to his and his actions had done the job and shocked me into shutting up. I totally realise this all sounds like abuse when written down. I am not perfect far from it but since all this arguing I'm finding I'm on eggshells all the time. I'm taking on more at home (both work full time) and I'm not asking him to do anything (he wouldn't do anything without being asked but when asked will normally but expect praise).

How long do you stay unhappy for? It's only been a 4 month marriage. It's embarrassing. It's like a catch 22. He says he is unhappy as he doesn't own a house im not willing to buy a house when he's like this!!! Said he's welcome to buy a house on his own in his name (after all it's his parents that's enabling it)

OP posts:
areyouafraidofthedark · 08/12/2019 09:12

I don't know how you hold yourself back from twatting him! Making you say thank you for vacuuming! Do you have any family nearby?

category12 · 08/12/2019 09:16

It sounds like abuse because it is.

It won't take much before the clapping on front of your face turns into contact.

It's embarrassing to end a marriage so quickly, sure, but there are worse things. Like your little girl growing up thinking this is normal. Like her seeing you sad. Like wasting more of your life on a wrong un.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 08/12/2019 09:22

How long do you stay unhappy for? It's only been a 4 month marriage.

Not 10 minutes more. As PP said, there are worse things than a short marriage.

LobsterQuadrille2 · 08/12/2019 09:28

And the positives are that you haven't bought a house with him so there's no major asset to sell, and that your DD will be unlikely to remember you living together or being unhappy. It sounds toxic and horrible.

bubblesforlife · 08/12/2019 09:33

What I don’t understand is how he never displayed these behaviours before the wedding?
Regardless of whether he is happy or not, that is no way to treat you or your daughter.
I admire your self restraint!
Is the move back up north impacting him? Is he happy in a new job and does it challenge him, as you mention he is above average intelligence?
If he isn’t, his behaviour is still not acceptable.

Mostlyhappy4 · 08/12/2019 09:39

He is being insufferable. This is very reminiscent of my relationship with ex and my children's father....not being allowed to disagree with him and being insulted when I do. It's horrible and insideous (presably he was showing some of these behaviour before you got married). It wore me down so that I barely knew myself anymore and I became very short too in response to him, which I hated about myself. I definitely advise you not to buy a house with him..it's just another time that makes it difficult for you to split. Is joint counselling an option? I was advised not to do mediation because the other partner can dominate and manipulate so that you can end up going along with what they want. Obviously that's not what you should do but if you can stand your ground, counselling might enable him to confront what an arse he's being and realise you leaving is a very realistic.prospect.

What I want to say is that I am so happy I left my relationship, it was absolutely the right thing for me and the kids (as far as I'm concerned) because they're not growing up in an angry environment - they have two happy homes instead. Absolutely do keep talking and taking advice on mumsnet, it is so good to get outsiders perspective on here.

Mostlyhappy4 · 08/12/2019 09:42

Sorry, bloody phone, I meant I was shouty in response and buying a house is just another thing to tie you together and make leaving complicated.

midep · 08/12/2019 09:57

He's not half as clever as he think he is, in fact he's rather stupid. Look at what he's throwing away.

Does he have many friends?

seltaeb · 08/12/2019 10:04

I think you need to talk to him about the impact his behaviour is having on your DC. How a decent father can behave in a way that makes a child say 'daddy made me sad' without feeling huge guilt is beyond me - and then to blame you is just unforgiveable.
Buying a house will not instantly make him happy because of all the stresses involved. Is it possible he is depressed? Maybe suggest he sees GP.

category12 · 08/12/2019 10:09

Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse.

The control, the angry outbursts, the refusal to allow difference of opinion, clapping in your face, walking on eggshells afraid of his reactions, trying to manage him all the time add up to emotional abuse and coercive control.

Original poster
kshaw · 08/12/2019 10:43

No idea how to tag sorry so I'll reply to some of the questions.

Work wise he is in a decent job but he feels he should be in a better job, higher up etc but I've seen some of the emails/group chats he's been in and I'm not shocked he isn't. He's definitely intelligence wise capable but I don't think he can play the game well enough. We've talked about this. Got told I'm not supportive enough - I try my best but when you see someone being a bit of a twat at work it's doing a disservice to encourage it!

He has a close knit group of friends when see each other but all live far apart now and got own families etc so not easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
kshaw · 08/12/2019 10:45

When we argued before the wedding it was few and far between it has to be said. But his go to emotion is anger of which I've talked about before with him and said he needs to seek help, if not gp needs to help himself. Read some books, listen to podcasts find coping mechanisms that help him. This would help at work too.

OP posts:
Original poster
kshaw · 08/12/2019 10:48

I've tried talking to him about the impact but he just blames me. If I didn't do things that made him unhappy he wouldn't be unhappy. If I was hearing this from a friend or on here it'd be screaming abuse. It's like he genuinely thinks this, I'm a strong person, he's known this for 8 years!! I can be stubborn and very rarely backtrack on a decision, I'm confident in my own abilities to make decisions but I'm questioning myself all the time. I mean this is all the bad side isn't it but there is still a lot of good but during the good I'm on eggshells

OP posts:
SuperbMonkey · 08/12/2019 10:51

He sounds abusive and entitled. If you stay in this relationship for any length of time you will regret it. His behaviour is that of a petulant child lashing out when he does not get his own way. You are better than that.

Original poster
kshaw · 08/12/2019 10:52

The in laws come every week to have my little one. So on a Monday I leave my keys with MIL so can get in and out of house. I went to the theatre after work the other week, told him didn't know what time will be back as it starts at 7 and I've no keys. I get a text at 9 asking where I am as he was tired and wanted to go to bed, obv didn't see it. I started to panic a bit he would be in a grump - got a taxi home. He'd locked all up, phone was on silent and was asleep. I was banging on the doors for a good 10 mins before he woke up. Said was sorry was a mistake. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset about it. He activily chose to go to sleep and leave phone on silent therefore lock me out. This was 10pm.

OP posts:
Original poster
kshaw · 08/12/2019 10:54

I've suggested joint councilling but he has said what's the point in paying for a councillor when I won't listen to anyone. Waste of money

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 08/12/2019 10:56

I think next year needs to mark the start of a new better life for you and DD without him. You cant stay unhappy- life is too short. And what is your DD learning from him?

Wanting praise for vacuuming his own house? Does he praise you for dusting/cleaning/cooking ??!!!!

31133004Taff · 08/12/2019 10:59

Get you and your daughter out now. You’re his scapegoat. Divorce him on the grounds of ‘fraud’, ie, “since we came back from honeymoon ...” “clapping in my face” - agree with previous poster, why are you waiting for the clap to turn into a slap?

You plan to leave. Don’t wait till you and your daughter need to flee. Do this for your daughter if you can’t do it for yourself, which is the way domestic abuse grinds down your sense of perspective.

Queenoftheashes · 08/12/2019 11:00

I see why you’d feel embarrassed ending your marriage. But first, he’s tricked you into it and pretended to be a decent person when he’s a twat. And secondly, as painful as it will be to leave now, you are only going to regret any further time you waste with him. The sooner you leave the sooner you get your life back.

category12 · 08/12/2019 11:02

Op, he wasn't asleep. He was punishing you.

30to50FeralHogs · 08/12/2019 11:05

Please don’t go to joint counselling with him - he’ll either use what’s said in there as a stick to beat you with afterwards or he’ll feel ganged up on if the counsellor is half decent and slots that what he’s doing is abusive and then take it out on you anyway.

From your last update he sounds even more awful. You can’t fix him. The only way he can improve is if he sees his behaviour is out of order himself and chooses to change.

Please don’t subject your DD to any more of this nastiness. Get through Xmas as best you can and then start to plan your separation ASAP, this will only get worse if you don’t. Flowers

30to50FeralHogs · 08/12/2019 11:07

Spots* bloody autocorrect!!

Original poster
kshaw · 08/12/2019 11:15

Thank you everyone I've defo got a lot of thinking to do. I am wondering if he is depressed. He wouldn't admit it though I don't think. It's weird that it's just changed since the wedding! Honeymoon was amazing. He's so fixated that the house would change everything. I don't see how it will, I understand the need to be financially stable etc but it's just madness.

OP posts:
Livebythecoast · 08/12/2019 11:15

I couldn't live like this OP and you shouldn't have to.
Everyone is entitled to have an opinion even if you disagree but you should respect each other's opinions.
As hard as it will be I think you need to leave - it will only get worse and as your daughter gets older she'll be more aware and affected by this.
My DD is 15 but she still remembers a bad argument I had with her Dad (No violence, just shouty) and she was only 3.
Wishing you all the best Flowers

MrsBobDylan · 08/12/2019 11:16

Oh God, I feel so sorry for you. He sounds as if he is building towards physical abuse as his anger is building.

You can't make him into a nice person. You can't change this situation as it is of his making. He won't rest until he has turned you into a subservient shell of yourself and are so dependant on him that he has complete control.

You can however leave and build a much nicer, happier live for you and your DD. Please do this. You deserve it, dd deserves it. He deserves to be left alone with his grandiose ideas of how clever he is and his overwhelming urge to punish, frighten and control those he is meant to love.

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