Just so down

[kshaw]

Sorry if this is long or no paragraphs etc. I'm just looking for an outside prospective.

I have been with DH eight years. We have a two year old DD and we got married in August. We live in private rented housing which isn't perfect but it certainly is home to me. DH is above average intelligence and definitely something I love him for. He's also very ambitious.
I'll start this off with saying I'm really anxious when it comes and hate there being an atmosphere.
When things are good they're really good. I love my husband and our little family. But I cannot cope with the arguing and anger issues from him anymore. Since we got back from honeymoon every weekend has been an argument over something. Often feel it's really trivial. If I show an opinion different to his I am 'demeaning, belittling and insulting' him. He believes I don't listen to him. I think he means I don't do exactly as he says or i don't agree with his opinion. An example of arguements we've had are that I didn't thank him enough for vacuuming (his own house FFS) then the week after he knew my thank you wasnt sincere enough and was just saying it for sale of saying it. When we argue his anger is palpable. He can't sit still. He literally pouts. I can never admit I'm in the wrong or he runs with it, so if I say yes I was wrong to do that I will be selfish for doing it and not let it go.
I can honestly say if he'd have been like this so consistently on the run up to the wedding I wouldn't have gone through with it.
The latest thing is he wants to buy a house so everything about our current rented accommodation isn't good enough and it's making him unhappy. We talked about this before we got married (when we got engaged we were living in London with zero chance of buying so we're focussed on the wedding, we then moved back up north and we chatted and he said he wanted to get married before buying), his parents have graciously offered us a very generous deposit but we both agreed need at least 10k saved so can pay fees etc and decorate and buy new furniture. We don't have 10k yet but he's obsessed with buying. He'd found one he liked went to view. I went to view it yesterday and was underwhelmed with it. Voiced my opinions and I was just barraged with insults. It's like I'm not allowed an opinion if it isn't the same as his. I was honest with him and said I don't want to commit to buying with him right now, I need to not be legally financially tied to him so I can leave with our little girl this is how unhappy I am at the minute. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of having to apologise for stuff to call an end to the argument when I don't really mean it. He obviously didn't take it well which is fine. We were still arguing and I'll admit I was shouting but he came right into my face clapped as loud as he could 3-4 times right at the end of my nose and then screamed in my face 'silence'...I was holding our two year old at that point. I walked away with her and she kept saying 'daddy made me sad'. Afte rboth had calmed down a bit he obnoxiously said to me it's my behaviour that lead to his and his actions had done the job and shocked me into shutting up. I totally realise this all sounds like abuse when written down. I am not perfect far from it but since all this arguing I'm finding I'm on eggshells all the time. I'm taking on more at home (both work full time) and I'm not asking him to do anything (he wouldn't do anything without being asked but when asked will normally but expect praise).

How long do you stay unhappy for? It's only been a 4 month marriage. It's embarrassing. It's like a catch 22. He says he is unhappy as he doesn't own a house im not willing to buy a house when he's like this!!! Said he's welcome to buy a house on his own in his name (after all it's his parents that's enabling it)

@kshaw... you know that this is not salvageable. So glad you got out and you and your DD are safe. Stay where you are and don't let him talk you into trying to save the marriage. There is nothing to save. He is who he is - an abuser and an entitled controller - and he will not change.

For now, focus on the practicalities:

Read Lundy Bancroft's book: www.pdf-archive.com/2016/09/25/why-does-he-do-that-domestic-violence/

Have a look at Wikivorce and get a book about the divorce process, such as Divorce for Dummies or A Guide to Handling Your Own Divorce.

Even if, given the short duration of your marriage, you feel you can do this without a solicitor, you'd still be wise to seek legal advice to make sure you're on the right track. Before doing so, draw up a list of all assets and respective salaries and pensions.

You can do this - and you and your daughter WILL thrive

I will just reiterate what other posters have said. He will not change. His abuse will probably escalate. Please protect yourself and your daughter. He has no ability to moderate his behaviour in front of her and the signs are that he will treat her in the same way he treats you. To strap a toddler - because that's what he did - into the naughty corner for being a toddler just breaks my heart. You don't want her to grow up with these sort of memories. Life is much better as a single Mum than living a life on eggshells, it will grind you and DD down. Stay strong and you WILL be happy again and your DD will grow up in love and not fear of upsetting her father.

Escaping domestic abuse as you have done is not breaking any sort of lockdown.

Stay at your mother's and do not go back to him under any circumstances. Contact Womens Aid if you have not already done so and read too about the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. That is what he has been showing you all along.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here?. She cannot afford to see you as her mother being continuously abused by her dad.

You have left op, you don't go back.

Is he still working? If you need clothes and documents you go round with a police officer after explaining the situation. This is massive coercive control.

Thanks everyone.
This is so hard. When things are good they're really good but it's like I'm just waiting for them not to be good again all the time.
It's so hard, DD just doesn't understand. I'm so tired!!

Omg kshaw I was in a marriage like this. I know exactly what you are going through. Please just stay with your parents.
It’s so awful, both for you and your DD. I woke up one day and asked myself how I would feel if one of my DD’s was spoken to the way I was, or if my DS felt it was ok to speak to his partner that way...
the atmosphere at home now is just so relaxed. The DC and I are happy, no walking on eggshells or fear of hearing that key in he lock. He is way better with them than when we were together too. He loves them so I don’t worry about them being there.

Well done on getting away.
You have him a chance and he blew it - big time!!!
He is abusive OP.
Full on abusive!
Do some reading on abuse.
As suggested Lundy Bancroft, why does he do that? is a good start!
But understand... this will NEVER change. He has upped the abuse since you returned.
Do NOT allow your DD to be brought up in this toxic environment with an abusive father.

She does not get a choice in this.
Make the right decision for your DD.
Stay at your mums. Do NOT go back until you need things and take your DM with you.
That will be after this lockdown finishes so could be a while.
Protect yourself, protect your DD.
I hope your DM is supportive.

Get rid of this loser, girl. Remember, things are only good as long as you toe the line and silently carry extra responsibility.

Gift your little one the solace of a peaceful home.
Go and excel in your career and leave him far behind.
Next time select someone who is your equal in every way and who won’t embarrass or hurt you.

Get out now, while you can still have a civil relationship for the sake of your daughter.

You’ve got this. YOU are the smart one.

Start reading Lundy's book now. Get a highlighter pen. Highlight anything which applies to you. I bet in less than an hour the pages will be almost completely yellow. This will help you to realise that leaving is your only option.
My marriage was like yours. The clapping turned into slapping after a few years. It ended when he dragged our DD across the room by her hair.
I so regret not leaving years earlier.

Also sign up to the Freedom Programme.

Just to add to what others have already said....I left a similar relationship (not married but did jointly own a home). He changed the instant we moved in together, which was when i was 8 months pregnant. He was also capable of acting nicely sometimes but he was not nice. That thing about locking you out and saying he was asleep was a complete lie too, he was punishing you.

Im now a single mum and am so much happier. Since splitting my relationship with family has improved, also with friends, I have got a really good job and most of all my relationship with the kids is far happier, more relaxed, so enjoyable. Bring a single mum isnt easy, but its so much easier than living on eggshells with a horrible abuser.

You are out. Stay out.

I cant believe he made a list of ways for you to make it up to him for being angry. Did you get to write him a similar list after he clapped in front of your face IN FRONT of your child? He sounds unbearable.

Stay strong, its a hard road but worth it when you are finally free.

If you're in rented accommodation leaving should be relatively simple so thank god you didn't buy that house he wanted!

Best solution would be to go back and pack while he's out, that's probably unlikely for the next few weeks though unfortunately.

Are you in a position to rent a place yourself with your child? Or could you stay at your mums long term if not?

Just up sticks and leave op. Everything material can be replaced. Your mental health and that if your dc not easily done so. Leave him

Why are you apologising for flying off the handle!! You are ALLOWED an opinion! He’s got you so conditioned you don’t think you’re allowed any opinion or emotion. You found your child, strapped in the pushchair, crying and soaked in her own urine. I would have told him to pack his bags and eff off right now or I’m calling social and reporting him for child abuse. He’s disgusting. He’s vile. He’s arrogant. He’s up himself and you are NEVER going to be happy with this prick. He’s a prick. A gigantic selfish self absorbed prick. The things he says and does are not normal. You know this. He’s never going to progress in his career because he’s a prick and acts like he’s the bees knees. Do not waste your life on this loser. Tell him it’s over and you’re filing for divorce. You’re a strong woman. Do it. Stop prevaricating.

Oh and you didn’t break lockdown. Going to a place of refuge in these circumstances is allowed. Stop apologising for stuff. Stop putting yourself down. Start having the confidence in your own gut instinct and abilities.

Reading this thread it sounds like he has a paranoid streak as well as being extremely dominating, unable to accept anyone else's opinion.

How long did he leave DD in the buggy. Sounds like an excessively long punishment for what sounds like normal 3yr old behaviour particulary when she may have been trying to say she needed a wee.

Most experts say 1 minute per year of age ( ie 3 minutes for your DD) so he is already abusing her physically, emotionally and by neglect (as she was wet).

Did he apologise to her and write a list of ways he would be expressing his remorse? No of course not. He responded to your natural shocked outrage by verbally abusing you.

Stay away and contact woman's aid.
Do not go back.

Thanks for all the replies.

I went into her at the naughty corner at 3 minutes. I felt he was going to leave her longer but that is not how it works. I felt guilty for not going sooner. She said to me at that point that daddy wasn't her best friend anymore 😂

I am meeting him tomorrow (alone and in the park) and I've got a plan to tell him I don't want to go back and see how that goes.

I feel that his frustration is always at me not DD so feel that he would be absolutely fine with DD alone, his frustration (ie me) will not be there.

I need to be steely faced and not emotional and fact based tomorrow. Wish me luck!xx

Dump him he's vile.

Why do you feel the need to meet him to tell him it's over?

You can phone or email or text.

Why do you need to meet him? Talk to Women's Aid. Consider calling the police and having him charged with coercive control. He sounds vile and this will never be the relationship you want it to be.

OP, you don't need wishes of luck.

You have this.

You have a darling 3 year old who needs you.

You neither need nor have the luxury of luck when you have a 3 year old that needs her mum to look after her.

Your husband is a full on Class A Prick.

You married down.

This does NOT have to be the rest of your life.

Your husband is abusive.
He has been abusive for a long time.
You know this.

Stop messing around.
You knew this 4 months after you married him.

You are a woman who knows.
You get this.

He is a nasty piece of work.

You don't need luck.
You are totally able to stand up for your little pet who was left sitting in urine because her father is a complete piece of shit.

He would be wearing that nappy if he left any of my children in that state.

Your daughter has a nasty vain waste of space for a father.

She needs you to protect her.

You have got this.

Pack up and be gone.

Hi I'm going through the same... no one to help I'm crying all the time. I have kids ..... can't speak to anyone, I've had the police ss etc xx I'm here if u want to chat. Xx

If ur on Facebook I'll speak on messenger

Do not meet him today.
It's too soon.
Way way too soon.
Give yourself some more space and time to process this.
Do you even understand that this is abuse?
Abuse of you and in turn your DD????
He will hoover you back in if you meet him today.
Cancel and tell him you will let him know when you are ready to talk.
Now is NOT the time!!!

Leave , this no life for you or your daughter! I can only imagine how traumatic this must be on both of you - if you leave while she’s young, she will hopefully escape with little emotional damage.