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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just so down

118 replies

kshaw · 08/12/2019 09:08

Sorry if this is long or no paragraphs etc. I'm just looking for an outside prospective.

I have been with DH eight years. We have a two year old DD and we got married in August. We live in private rented housing which isn't perfect but it certainly is home to me. DH is above average intelligence and definitely something I love him for. He's also very ambitious.
I'll start this off with saying I'm really anxious when it comes and hate there being an atmosphere.
When things are good they're really good. I love my husband and our little family. But I cannot cope with the arguing and anger issues from him anymore. Since we got back from honeymoon every weekend has been an argument over something. Often feel it's really trivial. If I show an opinion different to his I am 'demeaning, belittling and insulting' him. He believes I don't listen to him. I think he means I don't do exactly as he says or i don't agree with his opinion. An example of arguements we've had are that I didn't thank him enough for vacuuming (his own house FFS) then the week after he knew my thank you wasnt sincere enough and was just saying it for sale of saying it. When we argue his anger is palpable. He can't sit still. He literally pouts. I can never admit I'm in the wrong or he runs with it, so if I say yes I was wrong to do that I will be selfish for doing it and not let it go.
I can honestly say if he'd have been like this so consistently on the run up to the wedding I wouldn't have gone through with it.
The latest thing is he wants to buy a house so everything about our current rented accommodation isn't good enough and it's making him unhappy. We talked about this before we got married (when we got engaged we were living in London with zero chance of buying so we're focussed on the wedding, we then moved back up north and we chatted and he said he wanted to get married before buying), his parents have graciously offered us a very generous deposit but we both agreed need at least 10k saved so can pay fees etc and decorate and buy new furniture. We don't have 10k yet but he's obsessed with buying. He'd found one he liked went to view. I went to view it yesterday and was underwhelmed with it. Voiced my opinions and I was just barraged with insults. It's like I'm not allowed an opinion if it isn't the same as his. I was honest with him and said I don't want to commit to buying with him right now, I need to not be legally financially tied to him so I can leave with our little girl this is how unhappy I am at the minute. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of having to apologise for stuff to call an end to the argument when I don't really mean it. He obviously didn't take it well which is fine. We were still arguing and I'll admit I was shouting but he came right into my face clapped as loud as he could 3-4 times right at the end of my nose and then screamed in my face 'silence'...I was holding our two year old at that point. I walked away with her and she kept saying 'daddy made me sad'. Afte rboth had calmed down a bit he obnoxiously said to me it's my behaviour that lead to his and his actions had done the job and shocked me into shutting up. I totally realise this all sounds like abuse when written down. I am not perfect far from it but since all this arguing I'm finding I'm on eggshells all the time. I'm taking on more at home (both work full time) and I'm not asking him to do anything (he wouldn't do anything without being asked but when asked will normally but expect praise).

How long do you stay unhappy for? It's only been a 4 month marriage. It's embarrassing. It's like a catch 22. He says he is unhappy as he doesn't own a house im not willing to buy a house when he's like this!!! Said he's welcome to buy a house on his own in his name (after all it's his parents that's enabling it)

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 08/12/2019 11:17

Also, changing just after your wedding is a classic abuser tactic. He waited till he'd got your trapped then proceeded to show you the real him.

MrsBobDylan · 08/12/2019 11:20

Sorry, last point, he is desperate to buy a house with you so he can complete his entrapment. In that sense he is right, buying a house would change everything, he could be even worse to you and feel more secure that you couldn't leave or ever be yourself again.

papaver · 08/12/2019 11:22

Please leave. This is abuse and it is extremely likely to get worse not better. It is well documented that abusers get worse / show their true colours when you become more trapped eg after getting married or the birth of a child. Contact your local domestic abuse service as they may be able to offer support. The clapping in front of your face is a particular red flag. You do not deserve to be treated like this. 💐

HalloumiGus · 08/12/2019 11:26

I very rarely say this OP but leave this man. Do not under any circumstances buy a house with him. And if anyone asks why you left, just tell them his behaviour completely changed after the wedding and he would not seek help with changing his behaviours.

Fleetheart · 08/12/2019 11:31

Please stop worrying about him and start thinking about you. Do you want to live like this? No? Well then you can leave. Do you want your little girl to grow up seeing this dynamic? No. From what you have written I cannot see one redeeming feature. You need some support in RL to start your escape plan. It doesn’t need to be tomorrow, but you do need to form that plan. It won’t improve. I say this as someone who has been where you are. I kept hoping he would see sense. He did not; I wasted my time and that of my children.

user764329056 · 08/12/2019 11:37

Don't go any further with this relationship, definitely don't get involved in house buying, his crap behaviour is going to get worse, that's guaranteed, make plans to leave OP

anonnancy · 08/12/2019 11:44

This is emotional abuse.

Getting so upset and angry over a difference of opinion... goodness me if that was me and my partner we would be at each other's throats all day every day! We don't agree on anything and can guarantee that if there were two options I'd choose one and he would choose the other lol. But we work together and discuss each option and one of us will compromise. Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's him. No one gets upset with the other...

Your DH sounds like he needs 100% control over you. And FGS he got upset because you didn't thank him enough for vacuuming his own house?! So one thank you isn't enough? Did he want two thank you's? Very strange. And also, I'd have said it's his house too so he has just as much responsibility as you to keep it clean and tidy.

Do you have any friends or family you can offload to? I certainly wouldn't buy a house with someone that controlling or who made me so miserable.

Sending hugs x

category12 · 08/12/2019 11:49

If I was hearing this from a friend or on here it'd be screaming abuse.

So what makes this behaviour something you should tolerate, if you wouldn't want a friend to have to?

TheReef · 08/12/2019 11:53

It's abuse op

Original poster
kshaw · 08/12/2019 11:58

He definitely does have redeeming features. He's funny and can be really kind. It's just when he's in one of these grumps that everything and everyone is against him. It's like he can't see through the fog to reasonable. Everyone is against him. It's the same if anyone else annoys him too it's not always aimed at me but I see the same behaviour when it's with others.

I'm not waiting for anything in particular I just am not sure if the bad outweighs the good yet ...it's such a huge life changing decision for me and my DD. Not something to take lightly.

OP posts:
baffledbeyondbelief · 08/12/2019 12:11

Google 'narcissistic tendencies' you may/may not recognise some behaviours. It won't change, you'll buy a house and eventually it won't be big enough, clean enough, everything will be better once you buy a bigger more expensive place because 'he deserves it'

Trust me, get out. You won't want your DD to think it's normal to be treated this way.

Dragongirl10 · 08/12/2019 12:12

Op marriage is a long haul with lots of difficult times ahead for even the luckiest couple....possibles,
sick child
illness or death of parents
redundancy
ill health
money worries.

How will he react to any of these?

Having been married for 19 years, l can say one of the most important things about my DH is his ability to discuss fairly and calmly the really difficult stuff, even when under pressure.
Even when we are not getting on particularly well.

The older you get the more important certain things become in marriage, things that were far outweighed earlier on,
ie kindness, the ability to alway have each others back, ability to move on from arguments with generosity, the ability to put the family unit above a bad patch and truly work together to get past it.

Ask yourself if he is able and willing to do those things, if not save yourself and your daughter years of unhappiness and cut your losses now. Forget any feelings of the marriage being too short that is all unimportant.
Look at your life 5/10/15 years from now.

PhilCornwall1 · 08/12/2019 12:29

Agree with a PP, he's not that clever, in fact, treating you like this, I'd say he's as thick as shit.

Ok, you've only been married for 4 months, but could you imagine 12 months, 2 years, 10 years like this?

I'd personally either be telling him to bugger off or I'd be buggering off myself. Then see how far his intelligence gets him.

pheonixrebirth · 08/12/2019 12:41

You are literally describing my ex!
The whole world was against him, he complained about everything in the end. We couldn't even get a take away without it turning into a drama. The LAST ever time I went to a restaurant with him and our children, his behaviour was so bad that the waiter ended up in tears! He would always go for people who technically couldn't argue back IYSWIM. And god forbid that I disagreed with him because that was me getting cocky. I was never allowed to have my own opinion on anything because in his words I was only doing it to piss him off. My blood is boiling now thinking back to it all.
And he would behave physically threatening but never actually do it, so it was like it was just hanging over me.
He was a narcissistic arsehole and your husband sounds the same. You are there to serve him- end of.
His arguments and behaviour with you are effectively to grind you down bit by bit so you slowly adjust the way you behave. You will stop fighting back just to keep the peace and you will live your life walking on eggshells hoping to make him happy BUT he will never be happy. And furthermore he will suck the joy out of everything. You will eventually forget how to feel any kind of happy because if he isn't happy then you are not allowed to be happy either.
Leave and live your life with your little girl. The relief when I left my ex was palpable, I was so excited every morning I woke up with a feeling of gratefulness that I had left him and had the world in front of me.
I wasted 18 years trying to make him happy, get everything right and walking on eggshells. Do not make the same mistake. Oh and don't go for the "depressed" excuse/routine because that is just another way to manipulate you. Please google narcissism and you will have a good idea of what your dealing with.

Original poster
kshaw · 08/12/2019 13:52

So I've just paced the aisles of Tesco and realised I didnt want to go home to being ignored and one word answers. My little girl was saying she didn't want to go home either. Something has to change. Reading your replies has really helped so thank you, and applause to everyone that got out.
I am just on my way to my mum's for a few days. He wasn't bothered at all just said ok. I've left DD with him until tomorrow night as his parents will be on the way to our house to have her tomorrow and they stay Sunday nights. He can cook for them and he can tell them what's going on. Felt like the worst mum in the world leaving her there but it's only one night and it's better there's no atmosphere in the house

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 08/12/2019 15:30

Are you from the same cultural background OP? I am curious, because the way he speaks to you, it’s almost as if you are there to cater for his every whim

BuildBuildings · 08/12/2019 15:44

OP I know that you see a lot of people on mumsnet replying to posts about shitty behaviour as abuse. But this really is. He's a bully and emotionally manipulating you into behaving in a certain way. Something that stuck out for me was that you described him a very intelligent. I'm not saying he's not. But I'm just wondering if he's reinforced this message to you. Implying he's better than you.

Trust your gut. It's really not good to not want to go home.

HunnyMummy1993 · 08/12/2019 15:50

changing just after your wedding is a classic abuser tactic. He waited till he'd got your trapped then proceeded to show you the real him

This.

Stop trying to puzzle him out.

KristinaM · 08/12/2019 15:52

Joint counselling isn’t advised when there is abuse. Reputable counselling services like Relate will only offer you individual counselling.

But i think you know that he’s not going to change, this is who he is. And you will have too leave .

Original poster
kshaw · 08/12/2019 15:57

We're from the same background.
He doesn't expect everything doing but if I did he'd let me. He will do stuff around house if asked but have to ask in a certain way or it's classed as nagging. he is more grumpy when tired so I've been trying to just get stuff done so not wondering if it's cos hes tired.

He is definitely more intelligent but I'm the higher earner, we're both equally as qualified but his career hasn't really taken off as expected really. In part I think it is his attitude to be honest but I couldn't say that to him

OP posts:
SusieOwl4 · 08/12/2019 16:03

It does sound like he has anger management issues in general - so he probably needs help - but that will have to come from within in himself so if he cant se it then there is not much hope.

rvby · 08/12/2019 16:09

He changed since the wedding because he sees wives as domestic appliances. You are now a wife. So now the abuse starts.

Ask me how I know.

This is textbook domestic abuse. Stop trying to talk him.round. He doesnt care what you think.

Get your dd out before she is old enough to be poisoned by this life you're leading x

FizzyGreenWater · 08/12/2019 17:25

he came right into my face clapped as loud as he could 3-4 times right at the end of my nose and then screamed in my face 'silence'...I was holding our two year old at that point. I walked away with her and she kept saying 'daddy made me sad'

I'd be gone.

There's nothing here but an abusive future with a bitter, resentful, hates-the-world and will take it out on his wife forever type.

Oh and he's not 'kind'. Someone who 'can be kind' when they feel like it, and utterly vindictive, nasty and aggressive when they don't feel like it, isn't kind. They can occasionally do kind things, but that does not make them a kind person.

He is extremely unkind and will damage your DD.

leave him!

AnuvvaMuvva · 08/12/2019 17:33

Is he from a culture where wives are very much the underdog in the marriage?

If he changed immediately after the wedding then I'd say he has a LOT of expectations as to how wives should behave, or he has learned this stuff from how his father treated his mother when he was young.

lisag1969 · 08/12/2019 19:08

Leave him. He has a personality disorder and is showing his temper to a certain degree, but I fear his temper is just going to get worse. Leave him and be happy with your child.