AIBU to be bugged by DH actions

[Clumsywith2leftfeet]

Apologies for the long post....I'm after some insight into something that is starting to really bug me in my marriage. I'm mentioning a few examples of a pattern has been going on for over 6 months now. It seems more and more that my husband and is kind and caring in public and distant and cold in private.

Background. We've been together 9 years and I have a long term medical condition, Epilepsy, which causes a great deal of stress for him as it has periods of seeming to be under control and then periods of 4+ seizures a week (which is the stage I am at now).

I am also recovering from a stress fracture of my heel bone caused by increasing my gym workout load too quickly (although I didn't know about stress fractures and the causes of them until I injured myself).

When DH and I are in public and people ask how my Epilepsy is at the moment and more recently what I've done to my foot etc, he's been supportive, sympathetic and caring. He helps with practical things as I'm on crutches at the moment and need a little assistance here and there, carrying things etc.

The couple of times I have had a seizure in public and he has been called by strangers who have found me (I wear a medical alert bracelet) he has rushed to me from work or wherever he has been and sat and held my hand, caressing my face, being affectionate and caring towards me especially when I have injured myself and strangers have called an ambulance.

As soon as we have been home, he's been distant, cold and snapping at me for days.

In the summer, I fell off my bike and ended up upside down in a ditch in a nest of stinging nettles and thistles with my bike on top of me. No one was around and I managed to gradually pull myself up (not easy with a bike on top of you). I felt sore all over having fallen against a concrete pillar on my way down and was covered in stings & scratches so I sent DH a text telling him what had happened and asking him if he could please pick me up. I realised it was 10mins before the end of his work day but they are incredibly understanding and fine with him leaving slightly early as long as he goes in early to make the time up and this was the first time I ever asked him for something to do with me.

He didnt leave work until 15 mins after his normal finish time, got to me with a look of thunder on his face, hardly said a thing except "get in" (to the car) and ignored me the rest of the day. Not once did he ask how I was nor in the days that followed and when I finally asked him what held him up at work, he said nothing, he just didn't see what the hurry was. (He only ever works late if hes making time up or stuck on a phone call).

When I have had seizures at home he later makes negative comments which make me feel like he thinks I've been letting the family down. Yesterday's examples "it's not as if you've been there for DS this week" and "well you can't exactly look after him can you?".

Last Friday, the day after I found out I had broken my heel bone, I was tired and in pain and had spent the day making and decorating our DS birthday cake (no excuse but a contributing factor) I said it was frustrating when I was struggling to carry things being on crutches that he hadn't put the shopping away when he brought it home and instead left it out on the kitchen side (he'd gone and sat down and was playing a racing game on his phone) he snapped at me (I probably deserved being snapped at given I wasnt exactly nice in my tone) and started swearing and said "its your own fault you're injured so quit moaning" then shouted he was fed up with all this s**t walked out the door and drove off for hours.

Sorry, this post has ended up being way longer than I thought it would be.

AIBU to be annoyed/worried by this all or just overly sensitive?

I agree with @WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles.

You are doing what your neurologist told you to do. Have done some exercise according to what the PT told you to do. You should be praise for that, not get a grilling and be told you are reckless. I mean, how many pee have been told to change their lifestyle (what they eat/exercise ...) and don’t do it because it is hard work??

As for your DH and your question itself, yes he is putting up a front. Many reasons for that, incl the fact that when you are in public, he might want to save appearances, look like the good guy, feel judge and guilty of he is t kind etc etc.
And yes he is also probably very resentful (and unkind as a result). Whether it is an issue with your relationship, I think the answer is obvious. Yes it is because regardless of the reason (from him not coping to him being abusive), YOU are getting HURT in the process.
I agree with Webuild again that you need to talk. Maybe not about individual incidents but about how he feels, how he is coping, the difference between him at home and him outside. A discussion about how it makes you feel when it looks like he is blaming you for the falls/ill health etc...
I would discuss that with your (new) counsellor. And consider a relationship counsellor too.
But ultimately YOU need to decide what is right for you. Is it ok for him to put your down like this and tell you you are to blame? What will your dcs think about that? How much hurt are you ready to gloss over before you decide it’s too much an not acceptable?

FWIW, I have no experience of epilepsy but have a chronic illness too, one where I needed ‘caring’ in that I needed someone to take on 70% of the tasks at home vs much less than the initial 50% you would expect.
My H was reacting like you (still does). Looking perfect outside the house, looking after the dcs, doing activities with them, you name it. All the while he was putting me down for not being able to do x and y despite a clear diagnosis and a consultant telling me to stop ‘doing so much’.....
So yes my H might have found it hard, be depressed, resentful (he certainly was) blabla. But the reality is that his behaviour killed any love that I had for him. in particular, the fact he could be nice an helpful outside but not at home has been a killer. Because if he can do when others are around, when can’t he do it when there is inky the two of us?? :(
I chose to stay, look after my health so I can be as independent as possible. I chose to work on my boundaries whilst in that marriage (plenty of opportunities to do so!). My reasons were simply that simple daily stress was making me health 100x worse so there was no way I could cope with the stress of a divorce.
It doesn’t mean this will always be like this. Quite the opposite.

I think that in a case like yours, the same applies. Rather than wondering if his behaviour is ok, of if there is an issue in your relationship, ask yourself if you are getting hurt and how much you are getting hurt. Is that acceptable? Çan you live with that and why? And then take it form there.

I had a think about why this thread just dandy sit well with me. And then I realise.
All the posts about how hard it is for her DH are EXPLANATIONS, explanations about how and why the situation is hard to deal with for him. But they are used as EXCUSES. Excuses as to why he is hurtful towards the OP. As if being a carer would allow you to stop being nice to other people and to use them as an emotional punching ball.

The OP is seriously ill. But somehow she is supposed to be able to put herself in her DH head and ‘know’ he needs a break/she needs to call someone else/stop doing what her consultant or PT told her to do. Something posters are usually told it’s impossible and they need to TELL their partner. Why such discrepency??
On the other side, her DH has been treated by some posters as a poor victim unable to do anything by himself to make things/his own life better, wiith no expectation for him to say what’s going on or to take some initiative about it. Even though he is healthy....

I think it’s very strange

@CanIHaveADrink
I'm right with you. Your reply is spot on. For those people who are sticking up for dh, try living with this every day. Having to do the right thing just to keep yourself out of harms way every day whether that be not having a drink, taking a certain route, deciding whether to go out in the dark. And on and on it goes.

Her dh is asked to collect het once in a blue moon after a seizure and it is poor him. Some people are absolutely heartless.

I was in a relationship years ago and he broke up with me because HE was ashamed to be with me when I had a seizure. Obviously he was perfect in every way. And those seizures were short mild ones back then. Heartless bastards.

For those people who are sticking up for dh, try living with this every day.

The Husband and children DO live with it every day... by default

I have epilepsy and like fuck will it stop me from doing stuff I want to do. The alternative is sitting at home becoming depressed and very lonely. No thanks.

You DH is a toss pot who should be supportive.. if its 'too much like hard work' for him - tell him to fuck off.

@BumbleBeee69
The difference is the husband had a choice and chose to marry in sickness and health etc. He could have walked away but chose not to. She has no choice. Regardless, this is part of her life forever.

@BumbleBeee69 well next time I break a bone in a seizure, shall I break DH's, you know as he lives with it too?

I felt horrible typing that but it's facts like these that demonstrate, while he is living with someone with epilepsy (and I realise that can bring stress) it isn't comparable to actually having it (physical effects and impact on your independence, for example).

DH can get in his car whenever he wants and go wherever he wants, swimming, for example. I have to wait for someone who wants to come with me and get the bus or pay for a taxi. He can get in a hot bath whenever he wants without waiting for someone to be in the house. If he gets a call at work, yes he has to leave early, but he can drive himself to A and E instead of going there in a ambulance being given gas and air (alright the gas and air is quite good )

I know who I would rather be in that scenario.

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles

Well put. If you haven't walked in someone else's shoes, you have no idea.

For example it's very important for DH and me as adoptive parents to never forget that we really can't know what it's like to be adopted. It's stressful for us to cope with our DDs' attachment issues, but it's nothing like what they have to terms with.

I think it's a bit harsh to come down strongly on people who have offered their opinion to the OP. If only people who have walked in her and her families shoes can really know and advise, then posting in a general Relationship board on MN is not very useful.

Better would be to find support from families who DO live with someone with epilepsy.

Well, no, I wouldn't say that. Some of them have been helpful. I think the problem is that some of them were downright nasty, like the poster who told the OP that she sounded 'moany', And then there were those who kept on repeating to her that she shouldn't go cycling despite her telling them that it was her medical team who advised her to take exercise. She has also improved as a result.

And I can sympathise with her DH, as I've said before, as living with someone who has a life limiting illness is tiring. I feel guilty seeing how tired my DH is sometimes and when he has a short fuse with our DDs. It's a different pressure.

Similarly, I obviously don't know what it's like to be adopted and have hearing aids and glasses as a result of having a head injury. DD1 sometimes says 'I was born different', which is heartbreaking. That doesn't mean that it wasn't stressful when she tried to bash me with a rounders bat or when she kicked her iPad viciously when in a rage or broke a fan. I'm allowed to be angry about things like that.

The point with the OP's DH is that he's being downright nasty to the OP. Deliberately leaving work late when he knew what had happened to his DW, whom he's supposed to love, was really cruel. And the performance in public would be hard to take when he's so unpleasant at home.

He's understandably stressed with the situation. Taking his stress out on his DW, especially when he knows she's just really hurt herself, is something indefensible.

well next time I break a bone in a seizure, shall I break DH's, you know as he lives with it too?

well that's a dreadful attitude to display.. and domestic violence is never a joke.

@Bumblebee69
Oh don't be ridiculous - nobody was encouraging domestic violence. She was just trying to make you realise how off the wall your statement is.

Well I wasn't actually making a joke @BumbleBeee69. Perhaps read my post again properly and see if you can understand what I'm saying.

well next time I break a bone in a seizure, shall I break DH's, you know as he lives with it too?

Well I wasn't actually making a joke @BumbleBeee69. Perhaps read my post again properly and see if you can understand what I'm saying.

you most certainly were making a joke of Domestic Violence, to make a point.. very sad.

This really is one of the walk a mile in my shoes situations but people don't think of that. Lots of people here clearly do not have one fucking clue what it's actually like but rush to judge the OP negatively without understanding what her own life is like and thinking only of the effect on her understandably resentful, long suffering, stressed DH, the poor man

This.

I hope you are Ok OP, there are some very harsh and judgemental posts on this thread. You don’t deserve any of this judgement, I’m sorry you have to read it.

Some of you posters need to have word with yourself.

there are millions of Child and Adult Carers in the UK today.. the role they fill also needs support kindness and respect.. the help they give people who need care should be respected too.

there are millions of Child and Adult Carers in the UK today.. the role they fill also needs support kindness and respect.. the help they give people who need care should be respected too.

I have been that carer, it was exhausting and badly affected my own health.

But the idea that the person I was caring for was never allowed to be ill or have an accident not related to their condition because they had already used up their quota, which is what some posters on this thread seem to be suggesting, is so bizarre that I just don't know where to start with it.

But the idea that the person I was caring for was never allowed to be ill or have an accident not related to their condition because they had already used up their quota, which is what some posters on this thread seem to be suggesting, is so bizarre that I just don't know where to start with it.

what a ridiculous thing to suggest ... good lord ?!

what a ridiculous thing to suggest ... good lord ?!

If you agree with me that it is ridiculous, you might want to read further up-thread where several posters seem to be suggesting that the dh has a perfect right to lose patience when the OP has extra medical needs on top of the condition he already has to deal with.

OP, I don’t really have any wise words but I thank you for starting such an informative and eye opening thread. I have a LTC and my husband is often amazing but also sometimes a complete jerk about it in - I’d never really thought about why or how other people perceive the situation, and this has given me food for thought.

No solutions from me, but I hope you find a way through and all those people prattling on about the dangers of exercise come away better informed!

Wow the rush to demonise the DH is incredible.
Off course the situation is hard for the OP but it is normally carer who suffers more without the recognition or help. Look at all the things he does works, does the house hold chores, cares for you and is on 24 hour call. You say his work is incredibly understanding and fine with him leaving slightly early but I assume this is what you want to beleive but it wont be true. Everyone has there own problems and they wont be happy if another member of staff swans off when ever he feels like it. He will also have to work twice as hard whilst there.
I am also surprised that you go to the gym and cycle around, do you not work? How do they feel about your long periods of absence and if you don' t then this would probably upset him if you were going to the gym and cycling.

it is normally carer who suffers more without the recognition or help.

@Cheeseandwin5? Really? I mean Really? It’s the carer who suffers the most, not the person who has a chronic illness such as epilepsy, has had many broken bones because of it and can actually die from those fits?

As for going to the gym etc... are you really saying that someone who is working can not also go to the gym or exercise?
Besides the fact it is also possible that the OP just cannot work (I mean that would be hard of you have several epileptic fit everyday wouldn’t it?). And the fact that she is doing that ON HER CONSULTANT ADVICE.

RTFT. It will help you understand.

@Clumsywith2leftfeet I hope you're OK.