AIBU to be bugged by DH actions

[Clumsywith2leftfeet]

Apologies for the long post....I'm after some insight into something that is starting to really bug me in my marriage. I'm mentioning a few examples of a pattern has been going on for over 6 months now. It seems more and more that my husband and is kind and caring in public and distant and cold in private.

Background. We've been together 9 years and I have a long term medical condition, Epilepsy, which causes a great deal of stress for him as it has periods of seeming to be under control and then periods of 4+ seizures a week (which is the stage I am at now).

I am also recovering from a stress fracture of my heel bone caused by increasing my gym workout load too quickly (although I didn't know about stress fractures and the causes of them until I injured myself).

When DH and I are in public and people ask how my Epilepsy is at the moment and more recently what I've done to my foot etc, he's been supportive, sympathetic and caring. He helps with practical things as I'm on crutches at the moment and need a little assistance here and there, carrying things etc.

The couple of times I have had a seizure in public and he has been called by strangers who have found me (I wear a medical alert bracelet) he has rushed to me from work or wherever he has been and sat and held my hand, caressing my face, being affectionate and caring towards me especially when I have injured myself and strangers have called an ambulance.

As soon as we have been home, he's been distant, cold and snapping at me for days.

In the summer, I fell off my bike and ended up upside down in a ditch in a nest of stinging nettles and thistles with my bike on top of me. No one was around and I managed to gradually pull myself up (not easy with a bike on top of you). I felt sore all over having fallen against a concrete pillar on my way down and was covered in stings & scratches so I sent DH a text telling him what had happened and asking him if he could please pick me up. I realised it was 10mins before the end of his work day but they are incredibly understanding and fine with him leaving slightly early as long as he goes in early to make the time up and this was the first time I ever asked him for something to do with me.

He didnt leave work until 15 mins after his normal finish time, got to me with a look of thunder on his face, hardly said a thing except "get in" (to the car) and ignored me the rest of the day. Not once did he ask how I was nor in the days that followed and when I finally asked him what held him up at work, he said nothing, he just didn't see what the hurry was. (He only ever works late if hes making time up or stuck on a phone call).

When I have had seizures at home he later makes negative comments which make me feel like he thinks I've been letting the family down. Yesterday's examples "it's not as if you've been there for DS this week" and "well you can't exactly look after him can you?".

Last Friday, the day after I found out I had broken my heel bone, I was tired and in pain and had spent the day making and decorating our DS birthday cake (no excuse but a contributing factor) I said it was frustrating when I was struggling to carry things being on crutches that he hadn't put the shopping away when he brought it home and instead left it out on the kitchen side (he'd gone and sat down and was playing a racing game on his phone) he snapped at me (I probably deserved being snapped at given I wasnt exactly nice in my tone) and started swearing and said "its your own fault you're injured so quit moaning" then shouted he was fed up with all this s**t walked out the door and drove off for hours.

Sorry, this post has ended up being way longer than I thought it would be.

AIBU to be annoyed/worried by this all or just overly sensitive?

Is he afraid he will have to give up work again to look after you?

All those saying its probably stressful and draining having to look after her, I imagine its more stressful and draining being her!

My dh is not a lovey-dovey over emotional guy, but I know he would look after me when I needed it, and not be an arse like the ops.

Marriage is not all happy times, 'in sickness and in health' remember?

@cstaff, ah I didnt catch that, sorry.

@Clumsywith2leftfeet, your husband not showing you affection - is this the recent issue as previously mentioned? Has he always been less affectionate than yourself? If this is his way of trying to pull away from the relationship by being 'the horrible guy' then hes totally in the wrong, but have you considered he's possibly wanting to leave and not being straight with you? Ultimately it does depend on if hes always been like this, or as your other posts suggesting, this horrible behaviour is new. Either hes always been awful and you're just realising it, or his behaviour has severely changed in the last few weeks which suggests something bigger is going on.

What made you post about this? Is there something particular? I ask because there is something about your posts which is worrying me, but I can't quite explain why my instinct is to tell you to get away from him. (That was before I read about him holding you down and yelling at you, it's pretty clear what's wrong there!).
I think you need to tell someone about all of this. Do you have a social worker, a counsellor or someone like that? Would it be possible to tell your consultant? If not, speak candidly to anyone else you can- your parents, siblings, anyone. Secrecy is not your friend here.
Actually, I've just remembered what is so disturbing - I had a relative whose carer was the picture of public devotion, but it turns out he was a liar and a thief and God knows what else. So I am aware of how very different things can seem from the outside. If we had known, we would have done anything to help the relative, but we had no idea and the relative wasn't able to tell us. Please speak out, it might be very important that you do.

I think it is possible to be stressed about still behave like a twat and I think that is what he is doing. He certainly isn't being kind and thoughtful. I can see too that high stress levels can lead to twatty behaviour. That is not an excuse for it, but it happens.

However, your other threads do suggest that there is a wider picture here of an abusive relationship. So he is an arse more times than you have mentioned on this thread.

Discuss your situation in full detail with your doctors and with Women's Aid.

Is there any support for family members of people with epilepsy? I feel it might be good for him to have a place to vent his frustrations about the condition. It feels like his anger at the condition and your situation is spilling into frustration with you which obviously isn’t fair.

I have a very close friend with some severe MH issues whom I support a lot and sometimes I just need a safe space to scream about the awful illness and unfairness and the burden of always supporting her. That doesn’t mean I don’t love her dearly or that I blame her at all.

@1MaxNormal

He sounds like a nasty bastard.
The fact that people see his point and are laying into you probably explains why so many people vote Tory

What the uttering fuck. I vote SNP!

I don’t know how you can love someone who is only kind to you when he’s on public show? That’s the worst kind of two faced behaviour.

You deserve to be with someone who kisses you back and tells you they love you.

If I was just looking at this thread cold I would say he has checked out of your marriage and wouldn’t be totally surprised if he was getting close to someone else. However, that could be utter bollocks as I am basing it on a small snapshot.

I think this is the sort of post better moved to Relationships.

He sounds horribly abusive to me - the acting differently in public vs. at home thing is telling.

Disabled people are particularly vulnerable to abuse like this - where it looks like caring but isn't. So you might get some good advice from places that specialise in helping disabled people as well as from Women's Aid and local domestic violence charities.

If that sounds like too much/too extreme, maybe try finding a counsellor to do individual work with you (not couples work) and talk the whole situation through with someone able to help you.

OP I think he sounds really horrible

I didnt see the earlier post about being held down etc .OK read it now ,need to speak to a Counsellor ASAP I think .This may escalate (hopefully not)

I don’t think he sounds very nice, OP. I suspect he’s had enough of feeling like he always has to look after you, and is resentful. I’m not sure that things will get better

Based on your update, I'm sorry to say but it sounds as if your husband doesn't love you anymore. There seems to be a lot of resentment brewing (his side) and he is not meeting your emotional needs.

LTB.

Your others threads make him, and our relationship sound even worse. I’d leave.

*your relationship

I also missed the post about him holding you down, OP. Yes, he's abusive and you should get some advice from Women's Aid. I'm sorry you're going through this.

He sounds fed up of being the only partner and parent Co stantly providing care. It is not your fault at all with regards to the epilepsy, but on top of that you go around injuring yourself frequently and just expect him to drop everything and come be your knight in shining armour.
It is important to remember he is human and he does err and is probably exhausted.
Also if he had just been shopping why didn't you get him to buy the cake, why are you trying to bake one when you can't walk.
And putting away shopping immediately isn't what everyone likes to do, especially after he has just come home.
Sounds like some care and consideration is needed on both your parts

I think it sounds like he's done. Or possibly about to have a breakdown himself.

Years of supporting you through depression, 6 years at home working as your carer, carers burnout - followed by a return to work with no let-up, on edge waiting for phonecalls from random passers by, having to leave early to help you and then make up the time at work - he's had enough, he wants out, but hasn't quite built up the impetus yet, maybe he doesn't want to look like the bad guy by leaving his unwell and injured wife.

Now it's becoming toxic on both sides.

One of you needs to end it.

Is there any support for family members of people with epilepsy? I feel it might be good for him to have a place to vent his frustrations about the condition. It feels like his anger at the condition and your situation is spilling into frustration with you which obviously isn’t fair.

I was thinking this too. You have him to look after you, he can't vent to you, so who does he have? I think you need to cut him a little slack - he's only human. And stay away from anything else that might injure you! You do seem to have been a bit accident prone this year.

Can someone tell me what time OP posted about being held down? That’s terrible

He's stressed, is he?

Away and boil your heads.

He's a straight-up cunt.

And the thing is, he knows it, otherwise he wouldn't do the kind and caring thing in public.

A few people have accused me of lying and this hasn't been my intention, maybe it comes across as that because my posts are snapshots written subjectively at the time I'm feeling emotional or maybe the truth I am having difficulty remembering sequences of events, in which case that explains some of the arguments I have with DH as that what he says.

Yes there has been lots going on, sometimes I have been feeling more positive than others. Sometimes DH has seemed more supportive and sometimes the opposite. Though I will say again that the bike incidents were 2 different times as explained in my follow up post where I tried to answer as many of you as I could and the exercise was undertaken due to medical advice.

As for having a different emergency contact, DH insisted it was him on my medical alert bracelet and wallet card.

How do I ask for this to be moved to the relationships board?

@MinervaSaidThat...I'd almost forgotten about that. Maybe a month ago? I'm not sure it seems like it happened to someone else and I just tried to move on

I asked him why after and he said he never actually held me down but I explained that was how it felt and I was scared.

He sounds fed up of looking after you, leaving work earlier than usual, picking you up because you're injured, carrying stuff for you, you've listed quite a few things no doubt there are more. Maybe he just doesn't want to be your constant carer or possibly you don't show him enough appreciation for caring for you when he does.
Resentful comes to mind. On the note of your epilepsy, have you tried CBD oil? A friend of mine has sever epilepsy, multiple seizures a day, we got her some cbd oil, her seizures reduced to a couple then none. She hasn't a seizure in a year plus she feels amazing.