AIBU to be bugged by DH actions

[Clumsywith2leftfeet]

Apologies for the long post....I'm after some insight into something that is starting to really bug me in my marriage. I'm mentioning a few examples of a pattern has been going on for over 6 months now. It seems more and more that my husband and is kind and caring in public and distant and cold in private.

Background. We've been together 9 years and I have a long term medical condition, Epilepsy, which causes a great deal of stress for him as it has periods of seeming to be under control and then periods of 4+ seizures a week (which is the stage I am at now).

I am also recovering from a stress fracture of my heel bone caused by increasing my gym workout load too quickly (although I didn't know about stress fractures and the causes of them until I injured myself).

When DH and I are in public and people ask how my Epilepsy is at the moment and more recently what I've done to my foot etc, he's been supportive, sympathetic and caring. He helps with practical things as I'm on crutches at the moment and need a little assistance here and there, carrying things etc.

The couple of times I have had a seizure in public and he has been called by strangers who have found me (I wear a medical alert bracelet) he has rushed to me from work or wherever he has been and sat and held my hand, caressing my face, being affectionate and caring towards me especially when I have injured myself and strangers have called an ambulance.

As soon as we have been home, he's been distant, cold and snapping at me for days.

In the summer, I fell off my bike and ended up upside down in a ditch in a nest of stinging nettles and thistles with my bike on top of me. No one was around and I managed to gradually pull myself up (not easy with a bike on top of you). I felt sore all over having fallen against a concrete pillar on my way down and was covered in stings & scratches so I sent DH a text telling him what had happened and asking him if he could please pick me up. I realised it was 10mins before the end of his work day but they are incredibly understanding and fine with him leaving slightly early as long as he goes in early to make the time up and this was the first time I ever asked him for something to do with me.

He didnt leave work until 15 mins after his normal finish time, got to me with a look of thunder on his face, hardly said a thing except "get in" (to the car) and ignored me the rest of the day. Not once did he ask how I was nor in the days that followed and when I finally asked him what held him up at work, he said nothing, he just didn't see what the hurry was. (He only ever works late if hes making time up or stuck on a phone call).

When I have had seizures at home he later makes negative comments which make me feel like he thinks I've been letting the family down. Yesterday's examples "it's not as if you've been there for DS this week" and "well you can't exactly look after him can you?".

Last Friday, the day after I found out I had broken my heel bone, I was tired and in pain and had spent the day making and decorating our DS birthday cake (no excuse but a contributing factor) I said it was frustrating when I was struggling to carry things being on crutches that he hadn't put the shopping away when he brought it home and instead left it out on the kitchen side (he'd gone and sat down and was playing a racing game on his phone) he snapped at me (I probably deserved being snapped at given I wasnt exactly nice in my tone) and started swearing and said "its your own fault you're injured so quit moaning" then shouted he was fed up with all this s**t walked out the door and drove off for hours.

Sorry, this post has ended up being way longer than I thought it would be.

AIBU to be annoyed/worried by this all or just overly sensitive?

Hi OP - I can see exactly where you are coming from. I think you husband is being cruel to you when he has no-one around watching him in action - otherwise he is there playing / acting the perfect gentleman.

I also have epilepsy which I am sure you can appreciate is a right pain in the ass. I was dating a man over 20 years ago and he broke up with me because "he was ashamed to be with me when I had a seizure". These seizures were very minor - maybe 5 minutes and no need for hospital etc. Some men are just arseholes. I have been better treated by complete strangers on the street!

opheliaballs i dont think its nasty, the husband is having to be the breadwinner so how can he keep leaving work i dont know what company would be ok about this? Fair enough for the occasions where she has had a fit but for going on a bike like someone previously said should she be riding a bike with the risk of fitting.

As Tutticutie has pointed out the story has changed about the bike situation.

He is there helping you and leaving work early he probably does feel resentful that you moan at him to pack shopping away when you are making a cake but need him for everything else, he needs love too

Also we don't know but I would presume that the bike incident was caused by a seizure - this happened to me regularly.

EKGEMS
The OP has posted some quite different posts over the last two months. I don’t think it is possible to judge so emphatically.

Going by your post on the 19th November, where your dh pinned you down screaming in your face, I’m afraid you are in an abusive relationship. Please contact Woman’s Aid aid for support. It’s not uncommon for women with disabilities to be abused by their partners, I’m so sorry you have had the reaction you have had here, you need support.

Also we don't know but I would presume that the bike incident was caused by a seizure - this happened to me regularly

If that is the case, surely the sensible thing to do would be to stop bike riding?

Apologies it was the 1st of November not the 19th
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3733050-What-does-this-mean-DH-acting-out-of-character

@formerbabe
Well you are not allowed to drive and in my case none of these bike incidents caused me any major injuries - just a few cuts and bruises. It was my main source of transport at the time. Now I walk most places if I'm not on the bus or train.

If OP isn't ready to post honestly about her situation I don't think posters can really judge each other's responses. We are all trying to help OP figure out the situation with very minimal and contradictory information. I agree with the poster who said this thread won't be helpful to OP and she would do better to seek help in rl.

@cstaff aren't you worried you could cause someone else an accident though? Pedestrians or cars?

@OpheIiaBaIIs yes, that's what my DH is like. And one of our 2 adopted DDs has SEN too, so he really does have a lot on his plate, and yes he gets stressed. He doesn't make a big show in public either. That's something I would really hate anyway as it would be very embarrassing, I hate drawing attention to myself.

This isn't about the OP's DH being stressed. It's about him being unkind to her behind closed doors. That's being abusive.

This the same DH who was your carer for 7 years after losing his job due to the time he took off to look after you.

The DH you described as fantastically supportive in late October.

This really doesn’t add up and I am concerned this thread is taking you down a road that is not good for your already low mood and MH.

Please get help in real life. If he is abusive then raise it with your GP or therapist if you have one or ring Women’s Aid.

OP has posted several contradictory threads with completely differing accounts of events, the bike accident being just one (unless it was a completely separate accident) that it's now difficult to tell what the truth is.

Agree with those who are essentially saying get off Mumsnet and get some real life help... and be honest.

Seriously- has no abused woman ever said that her partner was 100% supportive- usually they are gaslighted into thinking the scraps they are thrown by their abusive husband/ partner are a bloody three course meal!

Not ‘if he is abusive’ he is abusive - so I’ve fixed that for you @ChazsBrilliantAttitude - any man that pins his wife down in bed to scream in her face is an abusive bastard! The OP is vulnerable and reliant on her abusive husband- she needs support- not sarcastic and catty comments implying she is exaggerating the abuse she is receiving!

Or lying for that matter!

@Clumsywith2leftfeet you have posted on the wrong forum, I suggest you might be better asking mumsnet to move this post to the relationship board, where you are less likely to be accused of lying!

If that is the case, surely the sensible thing to do would be to stop bike riding?

You would think so yes....

Caledionia
You are absolutely missing the point of my post. The OP has written about MH problems, troubled teenagers etc. There is something more complex going on than can be judged from this thread.
(Have you read all the OP’s previous posts in the last two months.)

MN is brilliant at supporting women getting out of abusive relationships but it has to be done in a way that is safe for them. The OP is physically and mentally unwell according to her own posts. She needs real life support as the full situation cannot be judged from this post.

Caledonia apologies for the random spelling

I judge the OP by this thread on its Face - I do not recall the OP from other thread nor AS her for further context

It's impossible for us to know. It's the performance in public that makes me suspect that the DH is emotionally abusive. If this was due to stress, then I would expect the mask to slip sometimes in public. It's normal to try to maintain a mask in public, but he seems OTT and deliberately putting on a performance.

It's possible for someone to seem perfect in every way but to be abusive as well. My F was like this. He portrayed himself as the perfect husband and father, and we were all unable to see what was really going on. He looked after us when we were ill in a very devoted way, but he was also abusive (physical and SA) and EA and controlling towards my DM. It's called gaslighting, and it makes the victim unable to see what's going on.

Alternatively, the OP's DH might have checked out of the marriage and doesn't feel able to end it because of her disability.

The OP needs rl support as has been said. It does look there's a good chance her marriage will be over.

Ok so I have a lot of replies to answer so I apologise I can't do them all by name and if I leave out replying to some questions.

First of all I'll respond to TuttiCutie ....I have hurt myself falling off my bike twice.... once in the summer (down the ditch) and once riding through the same park when I had a seizure. He had the kind caring response after the seizure (in front of the passers by who helped me) and when I fell down the ditch was how I described in this post (I think I must have stupidly misjudged the edge of the path due to greenery overgrowth). The 3rd time I was unhurt.

The time I came off into the ditch I would have called my FIL, or daughter if DH hadn't said he could come or I couldn't get hold of DH. I texted DH as so close to end of work and he had the bike carrier in the car. I could have waited but I just didn't think at the time through being emotional and was acting like a wuss as I was sore. If I didn't have anyone I expect I would have sat their feeling sorry for myself until the painkillers I took once out of the ditch kicked in and slowly made my way home.

I am going to be changing meds soon, the neurologist hasn't decided which change to make yet, as am awaiting a EEG first.

In the last maybe 4 or 5 years I've had a sore shoulder after a fit almost 2 years ago a few bangs here and there from fits and carpets burns where I fitted on the stairs but nothing that needed any treatment or extra help from DH until the ones I have described here. Sadly they have all come close together.

I almost forgot the only other injury I had was whiplash after a non fault car accident a year ago when DH was driving and someone ploughed into the back of us.

I was advised to start increasing exercise for both my mental health and my Epilepsy as it can have a positive effect on both. I joined a gym so I wasn't alone whilst exercising for my safety and I would get to meet people which also helps mental health. I didn't mean to overdo it in the gym. It happened on the treadmill on the 3rd or 4th occasion of using it for the 22 min programme my PT had given me. The other parts of my program are non impact exercises...15 mins spin bike and 15 mins cross trainer and a little (supervised) weights work. I had just not run in years I hadn't heard of stress fractures until I was told that's what I had so not sure how I could have prevented it. I don't mean to sound defensive if that is how it comes across but I thought I was doing positive things to help my health and had been praised by my GP and Neurologist for doing what I could.

I am allowed to cycle and luckily we have a good system of cycle paths and parks which allow cycling to where I need to go in town relatively safely and have cycled nearly 1000miles since May with one seizure on the bike and falling off twice (the other fall I was unhurt). Probably 90% of my seizures happen within an hour of waking or late in the afternoon/evening so I try and plan things for this time and if I am feeling not so good, I avoid going out as I know I am more likely to have a fit.

I asked DH to leave work that time in the summer and he has been called by members of the public twice.

I have the support of his parents who are fantastic. They have been picking DS up from school recently whenever needed.

We have quite a stereotypical relationship. I do most of the cooking and cleaning (although he has to help with hot pans) and he works.

The cake whilst no I didn't have to do it, I've managed to get a reputation for my novelty cakes and I hate letting people down, especially the children of the family and tbh if I had have not finished the cake it would probably have made me feel even more worthless than I do at times. It gives me so much joy seeing the smiles on peoples faces when they see their cakes and most of the decorating can be done sat down.

Yes I snapped as DH about shopping, I own that mistake but carrying the frozen food to the freezer in the garage seemed so difficult at that point less than 24 hours after starting being on crutches. (Since then I have found solutions to most obstacles). We all make mistakes.

My Epilepsy affects my family more than me as I am unconscious when fitting and sleep afterwards.

As for DH attitude and how I feel. I love him as much if not more than I did 9 years ago. However I am not sure how much I like him at the moment. He says work isn't stressful. He's just had annual appraisal and a pay rise and he loves his work.

He always seems happier when we are around other people and has seemed very short and snappy at home. We rarely argued for years but this last probably 9 months has been downhill indeed.

He rarely smiles at me and I always go to kiss him and hug him goodnight and tell him I love him (he comes to bed a bit later) and I often get him turn his cheek to me or his lips briefly touch mine but he doesn't kiss back as such and I think I'm always the one who says I love you first. Maybe that sounds pretty at 42 but when I go up the stairs I often and fighting back tears with an empty feeling in my tummy when he hasn't kissed me back.

I hope I've not missed out replying to too many people and as I said I don't mean to sound defensive

@SquareAsABlock
I am talking about 30 years ago when I was in school and college. Cycling wasn't as big as it is now and the roads were a lot quieter in general. Thankfully I was the only one who ever got injured and like I said they were only minor. I wouldn't have the nerve to get back on a bike these days so I just walk or use public transport.

To be fair I think he is stressed terribly.
Is there someone else you can call besides DH to help when these things happen? If he is at work that is?
Its beyond your control of course your health but maybe it would help you both if someone else could assist?

Has anything changed in the last 6months?

9yrs is a long time to be working & caring.

But being nasty isn't going to solve anything.