AIBU to be bugged by DH actions

[Clumsywith2leftfeet]

Apologies for the long post....I'm after some insight into something that is starting to really bug me in my marriage. I'm mentioning a few examples of a pattern has been going on for over 6 months now. It seems more and more that my husband and is kind and caring in public and distant and cold in private.

Background. We've been together 9 years and I have a long term medical condition, Epilepsy, which causes a great deal of stress for him as it has periods of seeming to be under control and then periods of 4+ seizures a week (which is the stage I am at now).

I am also recovering from a stress fracture of my heel bone caused by increasing my gym workout load too quickly (although I didn't know about stress fractures and the causes of them until I injured myself).

When DH and I are in public and people ask how my Epilepsy is at the moment and more recently what I've done to my foot etc, he's been supportive, sympathetic and caring. He helps with practical things as I'm on crutches at the moment and need a little assistance here and there, carrying things etc.

The couple of times I have had a seizure in public and he has been called by strangers who have found me (I wear a medical alert bracelet) he has rushed to me from work or wherever he has been and sat and held my hand, caressing my face, being affectionate and caring towards me especially when I have injured myself and strangers have called an ambulance.

As soon as we have been home, he's been distant, cold and snapping at me for days.

In the summer, I fell off my bike and ended up upside down in a ditch in a nest of stinging nettles and thistles with my bike on top of me. No one was around and I managed to gradually pull myself up (not easy with a bike on top of you). I felt sore all over having fallen against a concrete pillar on my way down and was covered in stings & scratches so I sent DH a text telling him what had happened and asking him if he could please pick me up. I realised it was 10mins before the end of his work day but they are incredibly understanding and fine with him leaving slightly early as long as he goes in early to make the time up and this was the first time I ever asked him for something to do with me.

He didnt leave work until 15 mins after his normal finish time, got to me with a look of thunder on his face, hardly said a thing except "get in" (to the car) and ignored me the rest of the day. Not once did he ask how I was nor in the days that followed and when I finally asked him what held him up at work, he said nothing, he just didn't see what the hurry was. (He only ever works late if hes making time up or stuck on a phone call).

When I have had seizures at home he later makes negative comments which make me feel like he thinks I've been letting the family down. Yesterday's examples "it's not as if you've been there for DS this week" and "well you can't exactly look after him can you?".

Last Friday, the day after I found out I had broken my heel bone, I was tired and in pain and had spent the day making and decorating our DS birthday cake (no excuse but a contributing factor) I said it was frustrating when I was struggling to carry things being on crutches that he hadn't put the shopping away when he brought it home and instead left it out on the kitchen side (he'd gone and sat down and was playing a racing game on his phone) he snapped at me (I probably deserved being snapped at given I wasnt exactly nice in my tone) and started swearing and said "its your own fault you're injured so quit moaning" then shouted he was fed up with all this s**t walked out the door and drove off for hours.

Sorry, this post has ended up being way longer than I thought it would be.

AIBU to be annoyed/worried by this all or just overly sensitive?

He does sound resentful of your epilepsy and the effect it is having on your family life. You cant help having epilepsy and he cant help how he feels, however he can help how he acts, and leaving late like that was just cruel.
If he is taking on a lot more at home, could you outsource anything eg get a cleaner or gardener or someone to do ironing or something to help? Would he go to counselling with you to address this? As it's not a short term thing, if he is resentful, I fear its going to get worse

Do you have family who can help, or friends? It could take the pressure off your DH. I'm not backtracking on what I've said, because I'm also thinking that it would give him less reason to resent having to look after you.

My DH is doing a lot to help me. I've had MH issues, PTSD as a result of childhood SA, and I've recently been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME). He's very kind but he's clearly under pressure and I hear him getting frustrated with our DDs sometimes. So I do ask one friend who lives near me for help rather than my DH when I'm unwell with a virus, which I get far too much of during the winter. Her DDs are very close to hers so she helps by having them over to play. I also help her at times so it's a really good arrangement.

If there isn't anyone, you should ask for family support through Social Services. There's nothing to fear in doing so in your case.

And yes, I second the suggestion of paying a cleaner. I do that, I hired a lovely Polish girl who comes over once a fortnight and it makes such a difference.

Its definitely not your fault but I can see it from his point of view. It's always something or the other happening to you. He sounds resentful and frustrated. I think with the bike incident you could have waited 10 mins. He probably thought so too that's why he was so angry when he got there. I'm not saying hes justified in treating you this way but I can see his POV.

If you'd not been able to contact him when you fell off your bike, how would you have got home?

I agree it sounds as though he's getting resentful of having look after you all the time. Epilepsy can't be helped, but the bike accident and heel fracture were avoidable, unless falling off your bike was caused by a seizure and, if it was, should you have been cycling in the first place?

I have a long term medical condition, Epilepsy, which causes a great deal of stress for him

JEEEZE OP, he has done a number on you hasn't he?
Stressful FOR HIM?
FFS - what about YOU?

Please think on this - he can manage not to be stressed in front of an audience, can't he?
However, he chooses to let this fictitious, self-serving "stress" manifest itself only at home, or without witnesses.
He is a manipulator.

His response to your bike accident was vile.

He is using a physical disability which you cannot help or prevent, & he knew damn well about when he married you, as a lever to control & diminish you.

He is actively looking to invalidate your self-worth.
You are NOT "overly sensitive" & he is treating you badly.
This - Yesterday's examples "it's not as if you've been there for DS this week" and "well you can't exactly look after him can you?" - is disgusting behaviour.

May I ask, @Clumsywith2leftfeet - what are you getting from this marriage, apart from disablist abuse?
Does it make you angry when he puts on the Nice Show for his public?
Is he EVER kind to you any more, in private?
Do you feel any love for him?

You are going to have to challenge his behaviour. His response will inform you as to what you do next. Sadly, just from this thread, I suspect he will turn any challenge tou make, no matter how civilly worded, against you.

Like many abusers, he has cast himself as the victim.
Make no mistake - what he is doing is cold, calculated abuse.
He knows it is. That's why he doesn't do it in public.
It is NOT OK for him to do it in private.

You have some deep thinking to do OP.

Sadly I think your husband is resentful about having to care if you when you are ill. Even if we say "in sickness and in health" we don"t all necessarily expect to look after someone in ill-health until they are older.
It does sound like he's struggling to cope, it isn't what he signed up for.

I actually think that you and he aren't compatible. You need someone far more caring and kind. He may be doing his absolute best......but it isn't good enough.

YANBU nor over-sensitive. I'm so sorry - I hope the fitting phase stops again soon. Would a change of meds help you?

I'd be annoyed at having to always finish early because you've fell off your bike too

Try to engage the logic circuits @Househunt1.
People don't need to "always" finish early for an occurrence which happens only ONCE.
So your annoyance would be sadly misplaced wouldn't it?
Just like the OP's DH here.

So the DH always rushes to OP for her epilepsy and if it's meant having to leave work early then he needs to make up that time. He's practical, doing things/carrying things for you as you're on crutches as assumingly not doing much right now hence the DS comment. It's not just the epilepsy, but injuries from bike riding and overdoing it at the gym which are in your control.

Yes you have the condition, but it sounds like he is expected to drop everything to run around after you on a regular basis, then go to work early to make up lost time. Can you not see the impact it must have on him? You were able to stand and make a cake but not put the shopping away and by own admission wasn't nice to him about it. I think you're hard work and need to cut him some slack.

Neron Exactly your comment!

Aside from the epilepsy the OP does sound like moaning hard work sorry

Are you eligible for PIP? Could you pay for a carer of some sort if you are? I am just thinking, if you were single how would you cope?
I have a chronic health condition and I am disabled, but I try to retain my independence as I worry if anything happened to my husband how I would cope.
Also, I imagine he's annoyed as falling off your bike isn't an emergency and I don't think you should have called him, maybe call an ambulance if it is an emergency? Obviously not if it isn't though. And the heel thing is self inflicted... I'm not saying he's right but I think he's resentful especially when they're preventable things.

I thought I recognized your username. You've posted before about your relationship, and how you've been suffering with low mood? Didnt your husband also start sleeping on the sofa? Have you had marriage counselling or worked through these issues, because it reads as if hes still questioning some things about your relationship. Without addressing them head on resentment will only grow on both sides.

Should you actually be going bike riding? If your seizures are that unpredictable isn't that very very dangerous? What if you swerved into traffic?

I think you might need some counselling to get to the bottom of things. This is not how someone who cares for you behaves.

I think he has a point. Why were you making a cake when you were struggling on crutches. I think sometimes you have to accept that you can't do what you want to do and you need to rest and recover.

Also calling him out of work for a seizure is one thing but for falling off your bike? It's very hard having a chronic medical condition and it's very hard being a carer for someone too.

I think with the bike incident you could have waited 10 mins. He probably thought so too that's why he was so angry when he got there.
I too have had the unhappy experience of falling off my bike into stinging nettles and the bike landing on top of me. It's really hard to get a bike off you and having lots of stings is awful. For him not to leave 10 minutes earlier to collect OP is quite cruel.

OP, the fall off your bike sounds very similar to mine. My head down in the ditch, legs higher up, being stung by bloody nettles and struggling to get the bike off me because of the lay of the land. (At least my DH and fellow riders came to my assistance).

@messolini9 no, not a joke...it can be wearing looking after someone but when they then go and do stuff not related to the illness that results in even more help from the partner surely you can see that would be really quite irritating?

Fucking hell My oh asked if I wanted him to come home and be there for me when I had a cold!

Your h sounds really mean and actually after the 25mins he deliberately waited to come to you when he knew you had come off you bike

I’d be really hurt by that. He needs a fucking rocket tbh.

And her DH DID sign up for it. He married a woman with epilepsy, in other words a woman with a disability.

It's not always possible to just leave work though. Where are all these jobs that you can leave early for a non-emergency?

It sounds like he's exhausted. Being a caregiver can be stressful and if he's getting calls four times a week to get you that's a lot. Do you work?

I agree with messolini9. My abusive ex was exactly the same, the most kind, caring, sensitive soul in public but an absolute shit behind closed doors.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Please do not keep your husband's behaviour in private a secret from those who can support you.

he sounds like a cunt. Street angel/house devil - as my mother would say

Who else could you call for help OP? Do you have friends or relatives locally that would leave work to come and help you?