Is he abusive or is it just a bad relationship?

[Pizzaaddict]

I have a 8 day old baby and a one year old and ten year old and have barely slept so this will be a rambling post but I need to post.

I’m trying to work out if my “partner” is emotionally abusive or maybe I just don’t like him and I’m being dramatic. I will type in bullet points the things he has done because I literally haven’t the mental ability to compose proper paragraphs atm

• night before my section he sat on the pc playing his games while our 1 year old screamed inconsolably and refused to see to him so I had to sit there for 2 hours rocking and comforting him at 2am before my op

• since home from hosp doesn’t wash up or clean or cook or anything for other boys (oldest boys is mine not his the toddler is his)

• refuses to pick up my son from schooo

So I have to struggle there after surgery

• refuses to go to the shop

To get me more maternity pads so I had to go there four days after surgery to get them and all he wanted to know is did I remember his Diet Coke

• caught him

Feeding our newborn and old and cold bottle of milk rather than get up and do a new one

• told me to “shoo” in a really horrible way after he took the baby from me

There is so much more. I want to make him
Leave but he said no he won’t. We rent. It’s his home
Too. And he will kick the door in and police won’t care because they don’t get involved in this. And I am
The nasty one because he has tried his best and all I do is moan and cry. And now the midwives are concerned because they have seen me upset and it’s all my fault they are concerned because I was depressed before I met him so ho can he be to blame

He wanted to take the baby at two days old to his work! I said no and he said I’m using the baby as a weapon. Now he wants to take him
Tomorrow to his work and I said no and he said I’m
Jealous of the girls at his work and that’s why

Yes!! He should be caring for you and doing all he can to make sure his family is looked after.
Simple acts like going to the shops to get you essentials such as pads is a given!
Honestly I would kick him out temporarily if not permanently for that level of contempt for you and your poor kids

He sounds like a shit dad and shit partner.

Is the house in joint names?

It’s a tenancy in both our names. So I can’t do anything can I?

And the police will care 1 million per cent if he kicks your door in and causes a scene. When sounds like he's more work than you need anyway and would be better coping alone than with this extra burden.
I know your vulnerable just now but I would get him gone and don't even hesitate to call the police if he kicks off

He's abusive and thick

I wouldn’t hesitate but he said he looked it up and If he has to kick the door in I will be charged for the repair because i stopped him entering his own home. I can’t afford to pay it

Why are you believing the words of an abusive lying arsehole?

That does sound abusive to be but TBH the label doesnt matter - you're unhappy with him and don't feel safe and comfortable in your own house. Do you have family you could stay with? If he refuses to move out, maybe you have to move out? I dont know if you can contact the letting agent and have your name removed from the tenancy.

You are your most vulnerable and stressed and he is behaving like a child

Technically he is right but he is also wrong.

You cant just lock him out of a home whe he is in the tenancy. You cant stop him making entry.

However, the police will care if he is violent or threatening.

RhinoskinhaveI

He's abusive and thick

This. 100%

My dad is the guarantor so I have to Stay. Otherwise he won’t pay the rent and my dad will be liable. He can’t afford it and only
Agreed to be the guarantor because I was desperate. The tenancy is up in may and my
Sister said me and the boys can stay with her, she lives in Manchester we are on Essex. I don’t mind moving at all, l have no ties here, no friends. It’s just the actual doing it is scary because he would be so mad

Please get some support for yourself OP, MW will still be seeing you at home, please reach out, this is a horrible environment for you and all of your DC.

If he's going to be abusive or violent than the best strategy might be to humour him for now but in the background try and plan your escape, make sure you have everything in place, but don't tip him off just do what you have to do to placate him and make life as easy as possible for yourself.

It is horrible. I feel so sorry for the ten year old seeing his mother like this, I’m trying to hold it together as much as I can around him. Midwife knew straight away something wasn’t right and questioned me when he left the room but he then told me I was stupid to cry in front of her because now I’ve flagged myself as unstable

Yes @RhinoskinhaveI you’re right. No point telling him anything now and making him
Worse I just need to take it step by step and find a way of coping for now until I can run

You and he should not be together any longer.

I would seek advice from the Rights of Women re the tenancy and Womens Aid re planning to leave safely. You are in an abusive relationship and its no environment for your children to remain in either. Have no compunction either about calling the police if he kicks off again.

He wants to take the baby to work so that he can show off to the girls and try to advertise his virility to them.... that's why he uses the defence of 'you're just jealous of the girls' it's a way of deflecting attention from the truth which is that he wants to try and impress the girls using your baby
It's also a display of dominance over you via the fact that he is able to take a tiny baby away from its mother
He really is vile

Why are you still with him? I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this especially after just giving birth when you’re at your most vulnerable! If you have the finances to leave now then I absolutely wouldn’t hesitate in doing so, or if a friend or family can house you and dc until you can get your own place. He sounds like a shit person in all ways.

As for the tenancy, are you the lead tenant or additional? I’m pretty sure you can end your tenancy early as long as you give notice and you may or may not be charged? You can also speak to your landlord/agency to try update your tenancy if one of you wishes to stay

Best thing to do is book an appointment with your gp or health visitor so he isn't there and tell them what is going on. Call women's aid and let them help you.
You can't just put up with this incase he kicks off or you will never be free and your kids shouldn't be subjected to it.
Let your dad know too and get some strength from those who can help you.
There is help if you want it

He's awful, 100%. He either actually looked up the thing about entering "his home" because he knows that you are unhappy and he doesn't give a shit or he made it up to control you. I'm not sure which is worse!

I left my child's father for much less than this

The main thing here is this man is not very bright and he's a misogynist so he assumes that he is automatically cleverer than a woman, it should be pretty straightforward to out think and outmaneuver him
I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult situation OP (((hug)))

You definitely need support. This man is abusive full stop

I’m the lead tenant and I hate it here because we have mice which is another problem
But hardly anything compared to Him. I don’t know if I can end it early tho because the landlord has done all he can ie sent a pest control company round who were useless. I lay in bed a few nights ago holding my baby with a mouse running round the room. They had never been upstairs before but the first night home with the baby they managed it. He did nothing but Chant “were screwed now” which just made me feel even worse

He is abusive. He sounds to be of extremely low intelligence.