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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he abusive or is it just a bad relationship?

113 replies

Pizzaaddict · 05/12/2019 13:05

I have a 8 day old baby and a one year old and ten year old and have barely slept so this will be a rambling post but I need to post.

I’m trying to work out if my “partner” is emotionally abusive or maybe I just don’t like him and I’m being dramatic. I will type in bullet points the things he has done because I literally haven’t the mental ability to compose proper paragraphs atm

  • night before my section he sat on the pc playing his games while our 1 year old screamed inconsolably and refused to see to him so I had to sit there for 2 hours rocking and comforting him at 2am before my op
  • since home from hosp doesn’t wash up or clean or cook or anything for other boys (oldest boys is mine not his the toddler is his)
  • refuses to pick up my son from schooo
So I have to struggle there after surgery
  • refuses to go to the shop
To get me more maternity pads so I had to go there four days after surgery to get them and all he wanted to know is did I remember his Diet Coke
  • caught him
Feeding our newborn and old and cold bottle of milk rather than get up and do a new one
  • told me to “shoo” in a really horrible way after he took the baby from me

There is so much more. I want to make him
Leave but he said no he won’t. We rent. It’s his home
Too. And he will kick the door in and police won’t care because they don’t get involved in this. And I am
The nasty one because he has tried his best and all I do is moan and cry. And now the midwives are concerned because they have seen me upset and it’s all my fault they are concerned because I was depressed before I met him so ho can he be to blame

He wanted to take the baby at two days old to his work! I said no and he said I’m using the baby as a weapon. Now he wants to take him
Tomorrow to his work and I said no and he said I’m
Jealous of the girls at his work and that’s why

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Geppili · 05/12/2019 13:27

Omg he is awful!

Groovinpeanut · 05/12/2019 13:29

Yes this is absolutely an abusive relationship!
He's a scumbag!
You need to rest and recouperate after surgery, you're not being allowed to do that. The fact that he is treating you and your children so appallingly should be a clear indicator that he really doesn't give a shit about any of you.
Your HV will be watching closely and if she has concerns now she will have to act on them. Can you chat with your HV and explain what is going on? That at least shows that you are acknowledging there is a problem, and you need help to deal with it.
Your partner is neither use nor ornament. It maybe worth contacting your landlord and ask if you can take over the sole tenancy. It's worth a shot. I think when you do feel stronger ( which will be a while I know due to the ongoing circumstances) you would be better leaving him and going it alone. You're pretty much operating as a single parent now anyway. I feel for you and your children, the conditions you're living in are awful. I hope some day soon you can find a way out of it.

Original poster
Pizzaaddict · 05/12/2019 13:30

His family seem to find his incompetence funny like a bad but cute personality trait “oh John hehe” (not his real name) like aww he’s a big kid. I can’t quite believe this. Believe it or not I am a normal person, intelligent, had good jobs, raised my eldest alone and he is lovely. But now I’m
Reduced to a dirty sobbing mess

OP posts:
Original poster
Pizzaaddict · 05/12/2019 13:33

Should I ask the landlord if I can remove him? Doesn’t he need to consent? The landlords replies to my mouse problem don’t fill me with hope

OP posts:
Lunalovegood86 · 05/12/2019 13:35

Oh you poor darling Flowers

This is such an emotional time even without a man child to deal with. You can and will be free from him. I was in a similar situation and it took all I had to leave but I finally did and am so much happier.

RhinoskinhaveI · 05/12/2019 13:36

he was attracted to you because he saw that you are capable and intelligent and could be useful to him, but he also finds it hard to tolerate being with someone who is so obviously above him and superior to him, that's why he has to crush you and reduce you so that he can feel better than you.
You can escape from him, but he can never escape from himself

RhinoskinhaveI · 05/12/2019 13:38

His family may just be relieved that he has now your problem and not their's or they may all be just as useless as he is

Original poster
Pizzaaddict · 05/12/2019 13:38

Thank you everyone for bothering to reply to me, my two oldest friends haven’t even congratulated me on having the baby. All I have is my mum and sister who both live very far away and random mumsnetters. I feel a bit stronger

OP posts:
Original poster
Pizzaaddict · 05/12/2019 13:39

He said I’m not mentally well enough to decide to end the relationship

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RhinoskinhaveI · 05/12/2019 13:39

We reply because we feel for you and we want to help you 💐

TDL2016 · 05/12/2019 13:40

Are you able to contact someond like Women’s Aid or Shelter for advice regarding your tenancy, removing your partner and getting him to leave the house (and about the mouse issue)
Have you contacted family for support?

Original poster
Pizzaaddict · 05/12/2019 13:41

Our baby is so beautiful and I feel so guilty. After our last baby who is only 20 months I wasn’t sure I could keep this baby as he didn’t help at all last time. But literally on the drive to the abortion clinic I said no I can’t do it I will have him, he has since said he will tell him I wanted to get rid of him

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 05/12/2019 13:41

He would say that wouldn't he, and it's nonsense, you don't need his permission to make a decision you don't need his evaluation of your mental competence in order to make a decision, you can decide when you make your decisions
Why would anyone listen to the opinion of a fuckwitt would like him?

TDL2016 · 05/12/2019 13:42

He said I’m not mentally well enough to decide to end the relationship

You cannot be forced to stay in a relationship you are not happy in. He does not own you. You are your own person with your own mind, you are free to leave at any time. Do not let this man make you feel that you are his and he has the right to tell you that you have to stay with him.

Original poster
Pizzaaddict · 05/12/2019 13:42

My mum and sister are helping me. I’ve just told my dad everything and he is fuming as he and no idea. But I don’t want anyone saying anything to him
Because it’ll make it worse for me

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2019 13:44

"He said I’m not mentally well enough to decide to end the relationship"

He said this to keep you in this dire situation, abusive men come out with variations of this rubbish all the time.

He is not your keeper nor jailer. It is not down to him to give you permission to leave this relationship, you only need to give your own self permission to leave. There is help out there for you, please engage this for you and your kids who are also seeing this and absorbing this at first hand.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2019 13:46

Enlist the help of your family and Womens Aid to get yourselves the hell away from this person asap. You are all not safe in any sense with this man.

richteasandcheese · 05/12/2019 13:47

He's abusive, horrible and don't believe a word that comes out of his arsehole mouth. Tell your dad, call woman's aid and get out of there

Original poster
Pizzaaddict · 05/12/2019 13:53

I’ve told my dad he is fuming. I’m still not sure he is abusive because Like he says I shout and swear at him and when I was pregnant I slapped him. But it didn’t hurt him
I am tiny compared and it was after a million insults I was so upset and angry and couldn’t control myself. Not an excuse. But a one off slap from a woman could not hurt in the same way I am on a daily basisn

OP posts:
Original poster
Pizzaaddict · 05/12/2019 13:54

Can someone please help me
Compose a text to the landlord

OP posts:
Original poster
Pizzaaddict · 05/12/2019 13:55

I want to end the tenancy or tell him
If it doesn’t end I’m not paying full rent, he clearly doesn’t give a shit. So maybe I should see the mice as a blessing and my
Way out

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Lunalovegood86 · 05/12/2019 13:58

I’d have done more than slap him by now OP. That’s irrelevant, and it sounds like you were pushed to breaking point. What exactly do you want to say to your landlord? Getting him removed from the tenancy or getting out of it yourself?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/12/2019 13:58

He said I’m not mentally well enough to decide to end the relationship

What a crock of shit! Do not believe this bollocks.

I’ve told my dad he is fuming

Well done! That is a massive step.

Re: msg for landlord, I've never had to do this. Perhaps someone with more experience cam help?

Your 'DH' sounds like an absolute arsehole and I think splitting up is absolutely the best decision for you and your DC. You can do this.

richteasandcheese · 05/12/2019 14:01

He is abusive. Everything he is doing and saying is abusive. He's making you doubt your own mind.

Dont text the landlord, call him. How long left on your tenancy?

Original poster
Pizzaaddict · 05/12/2019 14:02

Thank you all it’s so nice to hve any sort of support. I’m
Not sure what inwanrnfrom the landlord, either the tenancy to end now (we will go to my sister) or for him
To be removed. Either way would
Be better than the position I’m in now

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