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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong thinking he shouldn't be doing this?

132 replies

Pollypocket89 · 04/12/2019 20:43

Tell me if I'm wrong. My husband works with a woman who also runs her own lingerie company. It's a home based low scale bespoke type thing and she models her own stuff.

My husband follows her on social media and she regularly posts stories in her underwear and he views them

Am I wrong to find this really inappropriate, to knowingly look at someone you work with in their underwear? I don't mind him seeing lingerie ads etc but it feels very different that it's a woman he sees every day

OP posts:
Goatinthegarden · 05/12/2019 05:59

Hmmm. A family member, with (what I think) has a much better body than mine is always stripping down to her pants and dancing around on Instagram in quirky ‘fashion’ videos. I watch with fascination...and then show DH who doesn’t have social media.
I don’t assume him seeing someone in their pants will automatically turn him on, I have a few conventionally good looking male friends who post topless ‘gains’ photos and it doesn’t make me want to jump them when I see them.

I might feel differently if DH was working every day with the attractive underwear model though. I’m not sure.

joystir59 · 05/12/2019 06:00

He's getting off on her videos. Totally disrespectful.

fantasmasgoria1 · 05/12/2019 06:05

If my fiance was doing this I would not be happy and it would leave our relationship in doubt.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 05/12/2019 06:07

Can I ask why Fanta? I'm trying to form a reason myself and struggle putting it into words

OP posts:
Dogladyxo · 05/12/2019 06:23

Not okay at all

joystir59 · 05/12/2019 06:35

Putting it bluntly he is probably wanking over her underwear pictures. Why else would he so regularly look at her social media stuff?

MsDogLady · 05/12/2019 06:36

It’s someone he’s been questioned as to if they are more than friendly at work.

He is repeatedly watching her near-naked videos and they have been observed flirting/getting close? It sounds like he is crossing lines and making a fool of you.

YouJustDoYou · 05/12/2019 06:39

He is perving on her in her underwear. Repeatedly. Yeah, I'm sure he'd be soooo cool with you watching videos all the time of a male colleague you work with stripped down to his underwear #fuckthat

YouJustDoYou · 05/12/2019 06:40

Putting it bluntly he is probably wanking over her underwear pictures. Why else would he so regularly look at her social media stuff? My thoughts too.

BabyEI · 05/12/2019 07:16

Inappropriate behaviour from your husband. Absolutely no need to view her on social media. Tell him that his behaviour is causing you distress and he has to stop doing this. If he refuses, you really need to evaluate what kind of relationship you have with your husband.

ferrier · 05/12/2019 07:24

I'd have no problem with this. But then I think it's perfectly normal to find other men/women attractive even within a healthy relationship.
Nothing wrong with admiring the human form, even that of a colleague if they put it out to be admired on social media. I would be a little wary of the woman in this situation but unless you have reason to distrust your dh I'd think no more about it.

MaybeDoctor · 05/12/2019 07:35

I always think a good test is to take social media out of it and ask if this would be acceptable in a non online world.

She takes some snaps of herself in underwear and sends him some copies through the post? I don’t think many spouses would be ok with that.

fantasmasgoria1 · 05/12/2019 07:37

Polly: have issues surrounding porn use, the sort of thing your husband is doing etc that is related to past abuse. It's a long story and I don't want to get into it here. When my fiance and I met we were open about what we felt were deal breakers etc. I explained this and he totally understands. He wasn't a prolific user of porn etc anyway and would rather use his imagination. He does not bother wanking because we have sex very often and he does not feel the need. I think my issues aside I just think it's disrespectful. He is wanking over this woman in her underwear and he actually knows her. Most people on here have made valid points. If you find it uncomfortable etc that's reason enough. If you are in a committed relationship with someone, you fancy them and find them attractive and love them why should you need to look at other naked people. I don't, my fiance is awesome, loving, considerate, caring, kind, respectful and sexy as f*.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 05/12/2019 07:40

He’s making a bit of a mug of you here OP. Obviously him seeing her stories in her underwear is more important than making you feel uncomfortable. I wouldn’t like it either, it’s inappropriate to be viewing photos of a colleague in their underwear.

Weescot · 05/12/2019 07:47

Wouldn’t bother me

joystir59 · 05/12/2019 08:09

It would bother me if I sensed my partner was taking an active and specific interest in her images over and above images and posts made by his other social media friends. I think one has a gut instinct for these things. It really wouldn't bother me at all if my partner was responded to the person in question as a friend, irrelevant of what she chooses to wear in her online posts.

joystir59 · 05/12/2019 08:10

But assuming the OP here isn't a paranoid insecure or jealous person normally, something about this scenario is making her uncomfortable.

Autumntoowet · 05/12/2019 08:13

I would not like this a bit.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 05/12/2019 10:00

I think my main thing is I don't get it. I don't understand why as a married man and seeing her every day clicking something where she regularly posts lingerie shots is something you would do unless you wanted to see

OP posts:
joystir59 · 05/12/2019 10:16

Unless they are good platonic friends and he is clicking to read the content of her posts, not to oggle her body. Only you know what his normal patterns of behaviour are. Do you suspect he fancies her? Why do you feel uncomfortable?

Whattodoabout · 05/12/2019 10:26

I’d hate this. It isn’t some random celebrity he’ll never meet, he works with her.

Carmenfortuna · 05/12/2019 10:37

Listen after your update about the work 'closeness' i think this is more than checking her out , they have a flirting thing, it happens.
Total dealbreaker for me (am the jealous type) you cant control him or prevent cheating no matter what you do, but id be getting ducks in a row and preparing to walk away if i could, or if i couldnt due to circumstances watch this unfold.

Maybe im cynical , but ive seen far too many workplace affairs Sad and they mainly start like this.

How do you even know about the work thing, does he have mentionitus aswell?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 05/12/2019 12:09

No, he told me he was questioned about it so I wouldn't hear any other way and think it was true

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 05/12/2019 12:11

I think he watches all stories that appear on the top few but my point is still if you know that might be there then just don't look

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 12:17

Is he not allowed to follow any women in case they post holiday pics in their bikini? Genuine question.

If they're friends and interact generally via social media I can understand his point of view.

Although if you walk in on him with his dick in his hand while he's looking at her pictures I could understand why you'd be upset.