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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I take my savings now and run or do it the clever way?

115 replies

Suchamess123 · 02/12/2019 15:04

Gosh I'm in such a muddle, I feel sick, shaky and don't know what the hell to do. I've name changed for this post. I'll try to put the whole situation so not to drip feed.

I'm married, no kids of our own, he has two to his ex. He's been divorced years but pays child and spousal maintenance, just telling you this for the whole picture, I don't have big problems, it's all done by court order. I wasn't the OW. There's not much money left at the end of the month. We live in a tied cottage, tied to his job (not mine), bills are paid but it's all part of his job package.

I used to have a successful job in the city, I got burned out and was persuaded to downgrade my job and lifestyle to live in the country with him. I now work as a housekeeper on a very low salary near to where we live.

He doesn't earn much but has always been a bit of a spender. He never goes without what he wants. Again no big problem with this, it's his money.

I've been unhappy for ages but not so unhappy that I needed to make massive changes, I hoped one day everything would be OK. He's a good man mostly. A good dad, son, friend, not such a great husband.

A friend asked me to help her out with some financial work and I agreed, it's turned into a bit of money I've learned to rely on, only about £100 a week but it helps me with bills since I earn rubbish money now. I've been squirrelling money away (it's all mine, he doesn't pay any type of housekeeping to me) and I've managed to save £6000. I'm delighted and I thought this was a secret. I don't know what I was saving for, just my imaginary fuck off fund I suppose.

Anyway, recently he's found out about my savings. We've just had a massive row with him telling me I need to be paying him money towards his bills (that he doesn't pay!) since it costs him a fortune in child and spousal maintenance. In fairness, it's because I don't have to pay gas and electric and rent that I have managed to save so much, but even so, if I wasn't around he'd still have the same costs and he'd still be in his tied cottage. He never treats me to anything, I have to pay my half for every single thing we ever do, including paying half of the children's costs if we go out.

He's told me to take my savings and go.

I'm not from this area, I only moved here to be with him. Most of my friends and my family live a very long drive away. I have a few acquaintances here, but they are mostly the wives of his friends.

I'm in such a muddle. Do I throw away my marriage and everything I've worked so hard to achieve over the years? I know it may sound easy to some, I have savings and the ability to get a good job, but it's Christmas round the corner and £6k won't last very long, I'll never be able to save it again paying rent. Or should I stick it out here, get a new job first, sort myself out somewhere nice to live, then go?

OP posts:

QueenOfTheFae · 02/12/2019 15:07

So what does he do well? or nice for you?

I'd be gone

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/12/2019 15:07

I think you should return to where your friends and family are. Can you stay with someone while you get accommodation sorted? Why stick it out in an area where the only person you really know is him?

Original poster

Suchamess123 · 02/12/2019 15:09

He doesn't actually doing anything nice for me to be honest. But we don't have a terrible life, I get a lot of time to myself which makes me happy. I could go 'home' but this would feel like throwing away my whole life to start again. I'm almost 50, if I was half my age I'd be off like a shot.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 02/12/2019 15:11

Get up and go! Run as fast as you can back to your old life.

Socksorting · 02/12/2019 15:11

Him asking you to leave sounds like a nudge in the right direction. Do it and don’t look back.

Aloe6 · 02/12/2019 15:14

If he’s told you to leave it doesn’t seem that you have much choice. FWIW, I think you should take him at his word. Go back to your friends and family, there’s no point staying in an area where he is your only link.

plumebaby · 02/12/2019 15:17

He thinks you should pay towards his child and spousal support? Nope nope nope. Don’t think so. Take his offer! Take your savings and go. What an absolute selfish prick he is! Rather than paying rent and going through your savings, do you have any family or friends you could crash with for a few months to see you through to the New Year? Yes yours 50 so what? You could have another 50 years left on this earth and you could meet somebody in the next few months and be happy for many decades. Go. You’ve got your secret fund for a reason. You aren’t happy. Make 2020 happy!

soupforbrains · 02/12/2019 15:21

I can completely understand you not wanting to leap into the unknown immediately.

If I was in your position I think I would bide my time a little. Get a new job lined up near my friends and family, sound out some of the friends and family about staying with them until the first pay package comes through and you can line up somewhere to rent for yourself. but you near to be sure of 3 things;
a) that your savings are completely safe and that he hasn't sneaked any means of accessing them behind your back.
b) that he isn't likely to turn nasty or violent about this and that you are SAFE if you stay for a while
c) that you aren't likely to lose your nerve and/or change your mind if you stick around for a while.

Whatever you decide to do, whenever you decide to leave, leaving him is definitely the right decision. Good Luck

Original poster

Suchamess123 · 02/12/2019 15:22

He hasn't said I should pay towards is maintenance, he's said I should pay him gas and electric and rent. He doesn't pay it, because it's part of his package (his employer pays it), but he thinks I should pay him? Do you think that's right and I'm being greedy?

OP posts:

Winterdaysarehere · 02/12/2019 15:23

Hills that way op >>>>
Find happiness without the twat...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2019 15:23

I would take your savings and go and asap. He does not want you around any longer so don't look back.

You're almost 50 so not old and its not too late for you to start again. Get out and rebuild your life without him in it. Do not keep getting stuck on the sunken costs fallacy; all this about throwing away your marriage is really that. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; thinking deep down that this is what you deserve really does you no favours at all.

The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavour and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.

When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”

This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

The key is to clear away the distractions to rational and emotional clarity. Getting stuck in your “sunk cost” prevents you from this clarity, whether in your relationships or your investments!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2019 15:25

"He hasn't said I should pay towards his maintenance, he's said I should pay him gas and electric and rent. He doesn't pay it, because it's part of his package (his employer pays it), but he thinks I should pay him? Do you think that's right and I'm being greedy?"

He is being nasty and will continue to be so as well.

No you absolutely should not be paying him. And no he is not right and no, you are not being greedy.

HollowTalk · 02/12/2019 15:25

So he wants you to pay for something that he gets free, whilst expecting you to pay half of the cost of going out with his kids?

Come on, OP! There's a better life out there for you.

Original poster

Suchamess123 · 02/12/2019 15:26

Thank you for the responses. We have totally independent finances and he doesn't know my passwords for internet banking so I think it's as safe as it can be. The passwords aren't written down anywhere. I don't think he'd steal from me anyway.

He's a shouter and aggressive in that way, but has never made me feel like he'll turn violent on me. Of course, that could change and I could be very wrong.

Losing my nerve is probably the biggest challenge. The way I feel now I'd love to walk away and never come back.

OP posts:

AppleJane · 02/12/2019 15:27

I'm not married so I'd be interested to hear from those of you that are.

Would you be upset if your husband had a secret stash of cash?

Maybe he's more hurt that you didn't tell him.

Has he asked you to leave before? How serious is he?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2019 15:31

"He's a shouter and aggressive in that way, but has never made me feel like he'll turn violent on me. Of course, that could change and I could be very wrong".

That from him is more than good enough reason to run far and fast away from him now. He has already been verbally violent towards you and it is a small step indeed between that and physical abuse. What he has done to date towards you has worked because he has you cowed; he may decide that this is no longer working for him.

Do not lose your nerve now. Staying with him at all is a non starter.

Original poster

Suchamess123 · 02/12/2019 15:32

This isn't the first row we've had where he's asked me to leave, but it is the first since he found out about the money.

As he's said it before and I'm still here, I'm not sure he's entirely serious and don't think he'd throw me out on the street.

It's not money I've taken from him, he's never given me a penny, it's entirely my own savings.

I could understand him being upset if it had meant we'd gone without for me to save, but it's because of my extra job that I've managed to save.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 02/12/2019 15:32

How much notice would you have to give for your housekeeping job? What would happen if you didn't give any notice and just scarpered?

Original poster

Suchamess123 · 02/12/2019 15:35

Thank you Attila you have said some very poignant things. I know leaving is the right thing to do, it's just the timing I need to get my head around. Its not the first time in my life that I've left everything behind and gone, I did it when I was much much younger, but that time I left with the clothes on my back and nothing else. This time I'll do it properly so I don't suffer.

OP posts:

Original poster

Suchamess123 · 02/12/2019 15:36

I could just scarper HollowTalk, it would be better to give a bit of notice but I have no contract.

OP posts:

Sneezewitch · 02/12/2019 15:36

Take the money and run.

You must have had this possibility in the back of your mind to be stashing this cash. You've been acting like a woman building a running-away fund by building a running-away fund. It's what you want to do. Do it.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/12/2019 15:39

I think any costs you both have as a couple should be shared - car if you share one, tv package, Wi-Fi, food bills etc.

Who pays all of these?

Original poster

Suchamess123 · 02/12/2019 15:40

I've wondered for a long time what I'm saving for and it must be this. I've known I needed a buffer. Is the sub conscious mind that clever?

OP posts:

Mix56 · 02/12/2019 15:41

It sounds like you already pay more than he does... & he wants more.
I'm guessing you do his laundry/shopping ? so basically he want you to pay him for being his unpaid servant.
Please leave, go back to people who love you.
Go & enjoy the rest of your life. He has told you to go. Pack up your car &
drive away
No marriage is better than an unhappy one, your life sounds absolutely joy less.

Original poster

Suchamess123 · 02/12/2019 15:41

We don't share a car, we have one each. He pays for his and I pay for mine. I give him a sum at the beginning of every month which covers our wifi/broadband, Sky/Neflix, council tax and insurances. We do share all costs. I also pay half towards days out with his children, cinema, bowling, food, etc.

OP posts:

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