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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I take my savings now and run or do it the clever way?

115 replies

Suchamess123 · 02/12/2019 15:04

Gosh I'm in such a muddle, I feel sick, shaky and don't know what the hell to do. I've name changed for this post. I'll try to put the whole situation so not to drip feed.

I'm married, no kids of our own, he has two to his ex. He's been divorced years but pays child and spousal maintenance, just telling you this for the whole picture, I don't have big problems, it's all done by court order. I wasn't the OW. There's not much money left at the end of the month. We live in a tied cottage, tied to his job (not mine), bills are paid but it's all part of his job package.

I used to have a successful job in the city, I got burned out and was persuaded to downgrade my job and lifestyle to live in the country with him. I now work as a housekeeper on a very low salary near to where we live.

He doesn't earn much but has always been a bit of a spender. He never goes without what he wants. Again no big problem with this, it's his money.

I've been unhappy for ages but not so unhappy that I needed to make massive changes, I hoped one day everything would be OK. He's a good man mostly. A good dad, son, friend, not such a great husband.

A friend asked me to help her out with some financial work and I agreed, it's turned into a bit of money I've learned to rely on, only about £100 a week but it helps me with bills since I earn rubbish money now. I've been squirrelling money away (it's all mine, he doesn't pay any type of housekeeping to me) and I've managed to save £6000. I'm delighted and I thought this was a secret. I don't know what I was saving for, just my imaginary fuck off fund I suppose.

Anyway, recently he's found out about my savings. We've just had a massive row with him telling me I need to be paying him money towards his bills (that he doesn't pay!) since it costs him a fortune in child and spousal maintenance. In fairness, it's because I don't have to pay gas and electric and rent that I have managed to save so much, but even so, if I wasn't around he'd still have the same costs and he'd still be in his tied cottage. He never treats me to anything, I have to pay my half for every single thing we ever do, including paying half of the children's costs if we go out.

He's told me to take my savings and go.

I'm not from this area, I only moved here to be with him. Most of my friends and my family live a very long drive away. I have a few acquaintances here, but they are mostly the wives of his friends.

I'm in such a muddle. Do I throw away my marriage and everything I've worked so hard to achieve over the years? I know it may sound easy to some, I have savings and the ability to get a good job, but it's Christmas round the corner and £6k won't last very long, I'll never be able to save it again paying rent. Or should I stick it out here, get a new job first, sort myself out somewhere nice to live, then go?

OP posts:

QueenOfTheFae · 02/12/2019 15:42

go go go, i'm nearly 50 and I have MANY years left! so get going!! you are worth more

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/12/2019 15:45

Well then you pay a more than fair amount.

I'd be raging if I found out dh was squirrelling money away but not because I'd want him to give me more, more that I'd hate that secrecy. It's a big think to keep hidden.

AppleJane · 02/12/2019 15:46

So for over a year you've been saving a running away fund?

I know it's not the popular view but if my partner stayed with me when he didn't want to for that length of time to sort himself out I'm pretty sure I'd be a little hurt.

Lots of people here will tell you to LTB.

There's no rush, gather your thoughts and be sure. You know how hard it is to start over.

What makes him a good son and dad?

A wise woman once said to me, don't forget if you run away you have to take yourself with you

HollowTalk · 02/12/2019 15:50

Hang on, this guy spends his money on whatever he wants. The fact the OP is saving hers and they keep separate accounts means she's doing absolutely nothing wrong.

OP, you have been in possession of a fuck-you fund without realising it. And yes, the sub-conscious mind is that clever.

ArnoldBee · 02/12/2019 15:51

Ok just to be balanced - is his salary reduced to make up for the expenses paid by the employer. If they are I can see where he may be coming from.

Original poster

Suchamess123 · 02/12/2019 15:51

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz - it's not that it was a secret, I just didn't tell him about it - a secret by omission I suppose. He only found out as he caught a glance over my shoulder when I was internet banking once.

On the flip side he has a great many secrets from me. His phone is always by his side (even in the shower) I don't know any of his passcodes (not that I want to know), and his communications with his children are kept from me entirely. I'm just told if they're around for dinner or the weekend if I ask. God knows what he has on his phone that is such a secret but I feel there's something.

He could be having an affair, but I doubt it. He's always been very morally outraged by affairs and I don't know when he'd find the time what with all of his hobbies. Again, I could be being ridiculously naive, but I know him and I doubt it.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 02/12/2019 15:52

Honestly, once you have a row and he falls back on 'get out' why would you want to stay.

You may he benefitting from his free rent etc but honestly, how does being with him enhance your life?

Run, run while you still have the energy to do so. And don't look back.

fishonabicycle · 02/12/2019 15:53

Leave.

81Byerley · 02/12/2019 15:54

Take your money and run!

Original poster

Suchamess123 · 02/12/2019 15:55

@ArnoldBee he earns a decent salary for his job, but he does a lot extra for his employer e.g. looking after livestock at weekends, and as our cottage is in their grounds he is there for their security also (they spend a lot of time away). His cottage and bills are because of the extras he does. So its a bit Catch22, they want him to live on site for their security so they pay for him to live there. I hope that makes sense.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 02/12/2019 15:56

You're in a job that might have suited you for a while but probably doesn't suit you now.

You're with a guy with secrets, who's entitled, in an area where you don't have friends or family.

He's told you to go.

I would take him at his word and go. Yes, I'd go in my own time (but before Christmas) and would make sure I took everything of mine (don't make that mistake again but I would definitely go asap.

AppleJane · 02/12/2019 15:56

Does no-one have a relationship where one of you announces that you're leaving and flounces out the door... realising instantly you haven't got your shoes on.

Then half hour later say 'fancy a cup of tea?'

Everyone I know has been told to leave etc etc by someone who is hurt. That's life isn't it?!

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 02/12/2019 15:56

Forget the money for a minute...

How good is this relationship for you?

You talk about him being shouty and aggressive, and you talk about him being good to others - good Dad, good son ...

Is he good to you? Are you happy, and will you be for the long term?

If the answer isn't yes to all of those, then you have to do something about it...

If his stock response to you not doing as expected is to shout and tell you to leave, then it doesn't seem as though he trusts you?

merryhouse · 02/12/2019 15:57

You say he "doesn't give you housekeeping": does this mean that you buy all the food? If so, point this out to him.

However, if he - the person who has the right to live in the house - has told you to leave, then I'm not sure you have much choice. I'd be thinking of getting deposit and rent sorted out quick before he realises that £6000 is a marital asset.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 02/12/2019 15:58

I find the posters saying she shouldn't be saving a bit strange. He has merrily been spending his money as he pleases and OP has no idea what what he saves or spends on. Their accounts are separate. She has decided to save her money, not as a running away fund but jut saving it for whatever she may need it for. She also spends her money on his children. Why is she a fault again? Tough shit if he is hurt, if you choose not to share finances it's absolutely nobody's business what she does with her cash but hers.

merryhouse · 02/12/2019 15:59

oh, posted without refreshing again...

Second part still stands.

AppleJane · 02/12/2019 15:59

Should marital assets be kept a secret?

HollowTalk · 02/12/2019 16:00

The thing is, OP, that if you stay he will take your money off you in some form or another. That means that if you stay now, you will never be able to leave.

merryhouse · 02/12/2019 16:01

@AppleJane: gracious, no.

Bit of a melodramatic existence, don't you think?

AppleJane · 02/12/2019 16:03

@merryhouse

How do I obtain this perfect life?!

MsPepperPotts · 02/12/2019 16:03

Take your money and leave OP.
You deserve a happy life and it does not seem you have that with him.
The fact that you are 50 does not really matter...all it means is that you won't be such a pushover in future...time to put yourself first and live a life.
You could even get a housekeeping/house sitter job nearer to your family in the short term OR...
You could do that anywhere in the world...somewhere lovely and warm!
If I were in your shoes with no ties I would be off like a shot and live a whole new life.
Good Luck OP you can do this.

Original poster

Suchamess123 · 02/12/2019 16:05

@AppleJane thank you that made me laugh. Yes he's shouted at me to leave before and probably not meant it, he probably didn't mean it this time, but I don't want to be yelled at and made to feel like I've done something terrible.

I've calmed down a little now, thanks to everyone for responding. What a great place this forum can be.

@merryhouse - part of the money I pay him at the beginning of the month is a set figure for shared food. We sometimes top this up, but always by equal amounts through the month. So we share our food bill and the few other bills we have that are joint. Everything else is entirely independent. I have a car I pay for, so does he. I have never dipped into the joint money for anything. It's just used for food and bills.

OP posts:

Fizzysours · 02/12/2019 16:05

Melodramatic? I really don't see why. And should a married shout, keep you out of decisions, tell you to leave, make you pay, on a very low wage, towards his kids' days out but exclude you from any joint chats or decision making regarding said kids? Nope. He sounds depressing, controlling and in no way your friend OP.

nespressowoo · 02/12/2019 16:07

Run, run, run. Why should you have to pay half of things you do with his children??

SevenStones · 02/12/2019 16:09

If you feel you can stick it out and get a new job before leaving then I'd do that, it'd be a whole lot less hassle that way. If you don't feel you could stick it out then leave sooner and use the savings to help set yourself up.

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