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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who has had a sibling go no contact with a parent for reasons you genuinely don't understand?

75 replies

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 01/12/2019 20:06

This has recently happened in my family
I am worried for everyone and feel it will cause one of those life-long family splits that never get resolved. Am so sad for the people who are more directly involved than me. At the moment I feel I really could "take sides" too, so how to live with that feeling?

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 01/12/2019 20:16

More fool you if you do take sides.

Believe me, you don't know the ins and outs. You really do not.

Only thing to do is stay well out.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/12/2019 20:19

If you take sides, you will be responsible for losing the other person. How will that make you feel?

If one side forces you to takes sides then it will be their fault.

But the thing here is that you don't know both sides, both are likely to put there own spin on it.

As fizzygreenwater posted, Only thing to do is stay well out.

Herocomplex · 01/12/2019 20:21

Do you see the sibling and your parents? Will you be used as a go-between.

I’m sorry to say it’s very difficult situation.

PicsInRed · 01/12/2019 20:22

Believe me, youdon'tknow the ins and outs. You really do not.

This.
For all you know, they were the family scapegoat or even - at the extreme end of the spectrum - molested and finally fed up with it being swept under the rug. Both of those scenarios are common reasons for "cut off".

There will be a reason.

Original poster
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 01/12/2019 20:24

I am staying out of it. I already am well out of it. But there's no way for me to continue a relationship with both the NC individuals. Surely? It's going to fuck this family up forever whatever.

OP posts:
P1nkHeartLovesCake · 01/12/2019 20:26

Of course you can have a relationship with both parties!

You just don’t see them at the same time....

Original poster
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 01/12/2019 20:27

Ha! PicsinRed. This is actually the family golden child by miles and miles. As acknowledged by everyone.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 01/12/2019 20:34

In what way is it acknowledged by all? That sounds almost as if there is snide eye rolling and nudging about this person.

It sounds like GC has identified the dynamic and knows that the only way out is all the way out.

Usually GCs don't see things as they truly are and are in fact the most engulfed and damaged of the lot. It would be unusual and laudible if this is truly a GC getting out.

Aussiebean · 01/12/2019 20:35

My brothers are still In contact with our mum while I am not.

They respect it. Even though I don’t think they got it at first, but as time has gone on and I am no longer the focus of the crap they are starting to get it.

They see me by myself and don’t invite her over when I am there. There has been a few occasions where it was unavoidable and I respected that and didn’t make it awkward for them.

It’s not an issue.

Herocomplex · 01/12/2019 20:35

Yes, I think it’s hard to imagine how it won’t.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 01/12/2019 20:36

You can maintain a relationship with both sides, if they will both accept that you don't want to get involved and will not take sides. (Unless there is criminality involved in which case you should support the victim). And refuse to pass messages, report on the other side's lives, or discuss the situation in any way. If one or both sides won't allow you to be neutral then you have a much bigger problem, of course.

The unfortunate truth is that this hasn't broken your family- for this to have happened, your family was already broken, it's just that now the break is visible.

73Sunglasslover · 01/12/2019 20:50

My sister was NC with my mum. It is possible to maintain relationships with both. Just refuse to take sides. It's between them, not something you have to get involved in regardless of who's the golden child (my sister who went NC was, BTW).

Original poster
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 01/12/2019 20:54

There is no criminality involved. The golden child would acknowledge he was the golden child also, I'm 100% sure. I'm not very close to either party and I've only actually been in the same room as one of them twice since April 2016. I have always been rhe most detatched of all the 5 siblings. But I maintained a functioning relationship - this new announcement feels very final.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 01/12/2019 20:56

That's very sad what you said Don'tDribble. It's just such a shock to us all that the break was in this particular place.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 01/12/2019 20:59

Yup, even though they have said why we are all baffled by it.

It makes things very difficult because it caused immense pain to someone already ill and was very sudden.

WeArnottamused · 01/12/2019 21:04

I guess If you ask my sister I was the “golden child” even so I suddenly realised 10 years ago, that no matter what I did, I really wasn’t going to be good enough, & that for my own mental health, couldn’t do it anymore.

There's been no contact between me and my parents since, my sisters heard nothing from them in that period either. But if you ask her, she’ll tell you she was orphaned at 18. - we’re now both 40”s.

It’s not easy being the “golden child”

legalseagull · 01/12/2019 21:06

Going against the grain here - do take sides of one party is in the right. My dad cut my sister off for a ridiculous, selfish reason. I told him he was behaving terribly and stuck up for her - so he went NC with me too BUT however much that hurt, it's easier than a lifetime of watching my sister being hurt whilst I played happy families with the man that caused it

DownstairsMixUp · 01/12/2019 22:33

There's always more to it. My husband doesn't speak to his mum, he was physically and emotionally and physically abused by his alcoholic parents all his childhood. His sister never got the same treatment and has always been the golden child. Almost everybody took his mums side but now we both realise it's for the better, anyone who is willing to turn a blind eye to abuse can also tuck off. I think it's important you choose if there has been any sort of childhood trauma or abuse involved. Sticking by the one that did it is hurtful to any survivor if this is the case.

Original poster
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 01/12/2019 22:44

I promise, no abuse has been involved here. The parents are/were good people who loved and were fully engaged with their children. This has come out of the blue when the youngest child in the family is 36. I have spoken to 2 of my siblings about it ... they are also reeling.

Of course there is obviously something that we're all unaware of ... but that is the point - we genuinely don't know what has brought it about. As I said, I'm quite detatched but feel very sad indeed for all the closer family members affected.

OP posts:
Landlubber2019 · 01/12/2019 22:49

Ime its not possible to stay uninvolved. Whether you like it or not, you may find the offended party unable to accept your relationship with others and refusing to get involved, may not be enough.

Inebriati · 01/12/2019 22:50

You really don't know what the situation is, until they decide to tell you. How close are you? Can you ask them?
If they tell you to keep children away from family member X, would you do that?

2Rebecca · 01/12/2019 22:52

I think I could keep in contact with both as we are spread out so easy to visit people separately. I think it partly depends on personalities. One of my sibs tend to blow hot and cold and fall out with people. If they fell out with my dad who is fairly calm I would think my sib was over reacting. My other sib rarely falls out with anyone so if they went nc I would suspect my dad had done something to upset them, although given the age of my dad and his tendency to sometimes be eccentric and forgetful we all tend to be fairly tolerant and forgiving and presume screw ups are accidental

73Sunglasslover · 01/12/2019 22:52

You can't know that no abuse was involved. You really can't.

Original poster
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 01/12/2019 23:00

I can know with 99.999999% certainty. It is not to do with historical abuse and to insist that it could be isn't adding anything to the thread.

People whose siblings did this - did it ever get resolved or has the rift in the family endured for years, or forever?

OP posts:
Landlubber2019 · 01/12/2019 23:12

My sibling cut me off years ago, they normally make an effort towards reconciliation before Christmas as the entire family gets together, but it's often face value and if left alone together they are openly hostile with me. I know that the estrangement is ongoing despite family members believing otherwise.