Who has had a sibling go no contact with a parent for reasons you genuinely don't understand?

[Nextphonewontbesamsung]

This has recently happened in my family
I am worried for everyone and feel it will cause one of those life-long family splits that never get resolved. Am so sad for the people who are more directly involved than me. At the moment I feel I really could "take sides" too, so how to live with that feeling?

There seams to be a lot of drama around the person being devastated and it being announced.

How long ago was this? Have they actually gone NC or was it an argument where this was said?

I'm nc with a parent my dB is how nc with me and my family because of this . He has never once asked me why he just says that is how he is .
I've always been the ' good one ' if you want to call it that well behaved as a child got on with my life as a adult never asked my parents for anything because if I did it was thrown back at me .
My dB on the other hand the opposite but now my dad says he is the good one and I'm a terrible person . So I suppose it suits him really even my mum says dB is manipulative.
I'd ask and like someone else said nc is not taken easily this is after years of mental abuse and shit so please try and understand. Perhaps they want to keep you out of it so haven't told you what's happened.
In some cases you need to take a side but you can be supportive. If my dB had asked me or even said I don't want to get involved then I'd respect that but he's just blocked me entirely.

Anyone reading this thread and it’s sounding similar to things going on in their own family might want to come over to the ‘ Stately Homes’ thread in Relationships.

I am NC with my mum but still have a great relationship with my dad (still with my mum) and my sister.

I'm happy to hear you still have a great relationship with your dad and sister LooneyTune but I find it hard to imagine how that works. I guess that's what this thread is about.

"A lot of drama" how so Mamsnetter2020 ?

If your brother won’t speak to you then he’s gone NC with you as well.

What I’m struggling with is the fact that you already seem to be holding your family at arms length. Now that one of your siblings has removed himself from the dynamic and taken control of their own situation you’re wondering how you can return the relationship to being on your terms.

From my own perspective I was trying to hold my dysfunctional family together but at arms length. It was damaging all of us. When things came to a head it made me realise how much I was just internalising things instead of dealing with them.

You can’t have it both ways, I.e keeping your family at arms lengths but wanting to smooth over problems. If you genuinely want to manage the situation without taking sides then accept that the relationship between your parent and your sibling isn’t yours to manage or mediate.

I don’t think you have to take sides or make any judgments OP, but maybe listen? Especially to your DB, if he has MH problems. You don’t have to get involved but you could listen? Perhaps that might help? Though only you can be judge of that. Families that won’t listen to each other but only “react” are dysfunctional in my view, something that has been a problem in my family. Not saying the same in yours necessarily but just a thought.

It's just that the sibling's mental health is absolutely terrible and I'm sure will be a factor in their decision

Mine certainly was a factor in my decision. And my previously terrible mental health has improved dramatically since I cut contact. NC can be a symptom of poor mental health, but equally contact can be a cause of poor mental health.

I haven't devastated anyone by announcing I never want to have anything to do with them again

This sounds like you completely blame the NC sibling. So I think you shouldn't ask what has caused it because it is likely to sound as though you are trying to determine if their reasons are good enough. The only reason to ask is if you genuinely want to understand their reasons with no agenda or blame.

In my case it is a sibling I have gone NC with. My parent still sometimes tried to push that we should be in contact again but I just reiterate my intention to remain NC. My other siblings understand my reasons (to varying degrees) and never even mention it. As I was the one who made the decision I tend to politely decline invitations where we would be in a small group so nobody has to worry about awkwardness nor feel they have to choose.

In my experience when people say they "don't understand" the reasons it's more that they haven't really listened to one side or tried to empathise with them. Especially those people who like to take sides! I think some people are secretly thrilled they have an excuse not to see people they didn't give a shit about in the first place - so of course they're not going to try to understand where they're coming from or explain to the other side what they did to hurt the person who's going nc!

These people are often also quite pleased to have a scapegoat they're not going to see much of. Takes the heat off them.

Can I just say that this thread isn't in Aibu and what I asked was about the long term outcome of 1 sibling going NC in a family. I didn't ask for judgements on my relationships with my family and I didn't ask for speculation on what might have caused it. But there have been some interesting points made - for which thank you!

Fwiw siblings mental health problems began 7 or 8 years ago and it has been very bad. Maybe they were caused by a dysfunctional upbringing but if so he has not been able to articulate why or what has happened, leaving his parent very distressed. You'd have to be severely lacking in empathy to not understand that any loving parent would be upset by being told he wants nothing more to do with them, not to mention the preceding years of having to tread very carefully due to the mental illness and often getting it wrong (intefering vs neglecting I think has been a theme).

Thanks for all contributions. Sad times.

Maybe they were caused by a dysfunctional upbringing but if so he has not been able to articulate why or what has happened, leaving his parent very distressed.

Sorry, I think perhaps I wasn't clear. It wasn't my upbringing that caused my mental health problems - tho it certainly can be the cause of some. For me it was ongoing poor treatment by one family member that took years to recognise as the root cause, and the constant downplaying of it by the others.

In my case, NC has worked wonders for me, and my relationships with remaining family are generally pretty good. But they never took sides. You have clearly taken your parents' side (which might or might not be the right thing) so that will make things more difficult in your family.

I understand that this is extremely sad, and that you’re upset. Your question included the words ‘which you genuinely don’t understand’ and I think the questions and responses from people to whom this has happened reflect the fact that if we all dig a bit deeper there’s more understanding than you might initially feel.

It’s an incredibly painful situation, I’m sorry if I’ve contributed to your sadness.

This happened in my family. Daughter (mid twenties) went NC with her mother for no apparent reason. It absolutely broke the mother. The whole family was shocked and to be honest I was first concerned the DD was having some sort of mental health crisis or had become involved with drugs as she was behaving so irrationally. Then, when it seemed she was functioning perfectly well in every other sense, I just felt angry.

I did take sides, which I regret. I took the side of the mother and she leaned on me a great deal. In time, she started to lean on me too much. She told me things that didn't make sense. She would call me in tears whenever I went a couple of days without messaging her.

After some time, I invited the DD over for coffee. We talked a lot and I gained a totally different perspective on her childhood. She had realised through counselling that her mother was emotionally abusive. I started to see the beginnings of it in my own relationship with her mother so I backed off and her mother began to behave worse and worse.

I let the relationship with the mother dwindle and we rarely speak now. The DD left the country.

Nothing was at all as it seemed. It made me realise that you really can't make sense of the relationships between others.

Sorry OP people are projecting all and judging all over the shop. And getting arsey with you too, for no obvious reason. I wish these idiots would go off somewhere else to vent their spleen imaginings.

Time, IME, is often a great “revealer” but by listening to family members you might understand more, even if you keep your distance.

Nextphonewontbesamsung

I'm not judging you,
I do think that you should look at the reasons that you went LC and see if they allow you to understand why someone else would go NC.

There are several authors that have written about how and why they have gone NC and others members of the family have come out and said x, y or z didn't happen.

As for the long term ramifications, if the sibling has gone NC for the right reasons they will be very happy.

I am low contact because I just don't feel especially close to the parent (they are a step parent) and I wasn't close to my birth parent who is now dead because that parent wasnt great as far as I was concerned although the other 4 siblings completely adored him. But, once again, low contact is really different to no contact.

“This is actually the family golden child by miles and miles. As acknowledged by everyone.“

Meaningless, they could have been “made” the golden child by one or both parents for nefarious reasons - that’s what happened to me.

Plus even golden children are damaged by toxic dynamics, you clearly know some of this stuff but you need to maybe learn some more.

“I promise, no abuse has been involved here.” Unless you were with your sibling ALL the time then no you cannot promise that. When I disclosed my siblings were completely shocked and actually my sister doesn’t believe it at all - it’s one of the reasons I’m nc with her.

I’ve never actually come across anyone going nc without good reason.

Don’t be drawn into being a flying monkey. You don’t have to take sides but I think you need to be willing and open to a variety of possibilities some of which may be very distressing.

I think you are trying to make sense of a complex situation without having any information about how it has arisen. No wonder you feel confused.

BUT

I have to be honest, it’s never going to be clear to you unless your sibling chooses to share with you.

I would focus on reconciling yourself to this situation and how you may maintain a distant relationship with both, separately.

Sometimes we just don’t get the explanation we want or need.

I'm happy to hear you still have a great relationship with your dad and sister LooneyTune but I find it hard to imagine how that works. I guess that's what this thread is about.

My dad comes here and spends time with us (as he always has) and I see my sister very regularly. Only difference is Xmas/family parties etc. I feel so much better with the NC

Nextphonewontbesamsung

But, once again, low contact is really different to no contact.

I don't but then it is good to have a different opinion

I am low contact because I just don't feel especially close to the parent (they are a step parent)

Fair enough

and I wasn't close to my birth parent who is now dead because that parent wasnt great as far as I was concerned although the other 4 siblings completely adored him.

Again fair enough but if you think that, isn't your sibling allowed to think that as well?

You seem to be judgeing this situation purely on what the parent has told you, op. That might not be the angle you were going for but that's what some have taken from your posts. That's mumsnet.

If you feel he hasn't articulated himself well - guess what? ACE, poor mental health and huge amounts of confusion are basically the holy trinity of Stately Homes.

Rather than this strangely clinical concern for 'what happens to the family' why not actually spend a decent amount of time getting to know this relative and find out where he's actually coming from? Until you've given him the same audience and attention you have his mother you haven't even attempted to see the full picture.

I have a sibling who went NC. She came to our Mother's funeral briefly. It was the first time I had set eyes on her in twenty years. No reconciliation since. Our FOO was very toxic and neglectful. She suffered terrible neglect. I understand and admire her need to survive in this way. I remain utterly enmeshed and dominated by my dead mother's memory!

"The parents are/were good people who loved and were fully engaged with their children."

From your POV maybe. But presumably not for your brother, who may have been damaged by the way he was treated.

If the family had a GC and a scapegoat that suggests they weren't that great as parents, to say the very least.

Your experience of growing up in that family could be and indeed apparently was utterly different from that of at least one of your siblings.

Making pronouncements like that about your DPs is going to make it harder to have any discussion with your DB about what went wrong and drove him to go NC.

I am NC with my father

It has not prevented my siblings from having contact with both him and me.

Though he was abusive to all of us, his treatment of me was distinctly worse to the point were it genuinely mystifies me what either sibling "gets" from contact with him

I was initially guilted by them but we all came to an understanding and they acknowledged I had no attachment to him due to degree of abuse.

See your parent, see your sibling, reserve judgement.