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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who has had a sibling go no contact with a parent for reasons you genuinely don't understand?

75 replies

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 01/12/2019 20:06

This has recently happened in my family
I am worried for everyone and feel it will cause one of those life-long family splits that never get resolved. Am so sad for the people who are more directly involved than me. At the moment I feel I really could "take sides" too, so how to live with that feeling?

OP posts:
Inebriati · 01/12/2019 23:20

You really need to listen to the sibling to find the answer.

Original poster
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 01/12/2019 23:27

I doubt the sibling would talk to me. He certainly isn't talking to the parent. I think I might cause even more trouble if I'm seen to be meddling. This is why it's so difficult!

OP posts:
gluteustothemaximus · 01/12/2019 23:27

You. Have. No. Idea.

It wasn't sudden either. It takes years to realise going NC is the only way.

Don't become a flying monkey.

Besidesthepoint · 01/12/2019 23:32

I read somewhere that being treated as the golden child is more abusive than being the scapegoat. If I look at my brother (GC) and me (scapegoat) I do see that I am a much more content individual, I have learnt to stick up for myself and make the right decisions for me, regardless of someone elses wants. My brother has lots of issues. He is a lovely man but I don't think he will ever learn to enjoy life. So don't think that the golden child is the one that has it easy in the long run.

Herocomplex · 01/12/2019 23:33

Why wouldn’t he speak to you? Are you sure you don’t know what this is about, but just don’t want to acknowledge it?

TrickyFriendship · 01/12/2019 23:35

I'm the sibling who has (almost) NC with my mum. We exchange birthday & Xmas cards & gifts, but do not speak. I am also NC with dad (parents separated many years ago) & have been NC for 31 years.

My brother sees & speaks to both, although only dad in last couple of years. He had tried telling me to just accept how my mother is - he & I used to talk about how difficult she was. But I don't feel I have to just accept it, so I don't.

It has probably caused my brother & I to be less close, but we don't speak about our parents when we do speak.

73Sunglasslover · 01/12/2019 23:52

I disagree OP about potential abuse. It's a possibility and you admit you can8be 100 percent sure. You have to accept the person's decision and accept that maybe you don't have to understand exactly why they felt the need to take this step. That is the base that may enable you to respectfully keep a relationship with both sides.

Original poster
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 01/12/2019 23:59

He would be angry with me and the parent for talking about him behind his back. He wouldn't talk to me ... we aren't close.

I agree that being the golden child isn't all it's cracked up to be. As the black sheep I'm way more resilient, independent and resourceful than this one who has been spoon-fed and probably a bit over-indulged all his life. But he's also very angry about something and not articulating it well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 02/12/2019 00:00

Why would I want to maintain a relationship with an abusive parent? That makes no sense whatsoever!

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 02/12/2019 00:02

So are you the black sheep to your parents? They don’t approve of you?

ComisSousDePartie · 02/12/2019 00:02

My friend’s son did this. No one knew what was going on and he cut himself off entirely. It turned out he had developed schizophrenia. He’s ok now but it was a terrible time for all concerned.

73Sunglasslover · 02/12/2019 00:09

The fact that there even was a golden child does point towards some dysfunction in the family doesn't it? Your siblings experience of that will be different to yours.

In terms of abuse, it's very usual for people to want to maintain a relationship with abusive parents. It's also not that uncommon for some siblings to be abused and others not. I'm not saying there is a massive chance this happened. I'm just suggesting that there may be things you don't know about which might make you think twice about taking your parents side over your sibling.

Kitty2020 · 02/12/2019 00:15

If there is a dynamic with a black sheep and a golden child then the parents are clearly toxic - can’t you see that?

TheGoodEnoughWife · 02/12/2019 00:28

I am NC with my mum at the moment. I was the golden child. What that actually meant was I was the good one, the one that didn't cause any trouble. The one that when I finally put myself and my husband first received all sorts of trouble and shock that I didn't just cancel our plans to accommodate.
My sibling could behave in any way they wanted and it was excused as being 'just how they are'.
I realise now that I that I was only golden child because I was so good. I actually was not/ am not liked that much by my mother and am moaned about to other people and not defended by my mother when other people say nasty things about me.

Sorry, that is quite rambling but just wanted to say that what appears to be favouritism for one can actually be hiding favouritism of another.

Original poster
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 02/12/2019 00:38

ComisSousDePartie - your post strikes a very distressing chord.

Black sheep is really just my lazy shorthand. I have always been the sibling at the furthest reaches of the flock, I suppose is what I'm saying. But a lot if that is down to my choice.

OP posts:
Mamsnetter2020 · 02/12/2019 00:41

So why have you chosen to be ‘furthest from the flock?’ Your brother has that choice too.

ComisSousDePartie · 02/12/2019 00:43

I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just was pointing out that what can seem unfathomable can actually be the manifestation of an illness.

AgentJohnson · 02/12/2019 05:40

Golden children aren’t born they are created and you chose to distance yourself for a reason, your family dynamic doesn’t sound particularly healthy. I get the impression that your confusion/ exasperation is more to do with the idea of a close family is being interrupted and not that there could be something that has hurt your sibling.

I do not understand your angst given that your family doesn’t sound the type to spend much time with each other?

Leave your parent and sibling to it and if either makes demands of you concerning the other just decline.

puds11 · 02/12/2019 06:02

If you haven’t been in a room with one of them since 2016 and don’t see either party regularly I really don’t see the problem or how it could possibly be difficult to see them separately.

I was the golden child. I have minimal contact with my mother and tbh I’d rather it was none at all. Both my sibling see/speak to her regularly. They wouldn’t even try to tell me to change my mind because whilst they don’t fully know my reasons they know that if I’ve made the choice it wasn’t made lightly.

dottydolly72 · 02/12/2019 06:44

I was the NC sibling after my mum passed. My sister spent years stirring the pot and fed my two brothers lies about me so I guess I became the black sheep in their eyes. It was distressing for me and as the youngest sibling I never felt good enough. 15 years later.. at a big family wedding which I decided to take my family along to for my sisters sake turned out to be an amusing day indeed. One brother was kind and wanted to get to know us (I'm married with two kids now) me and his family really hit it off. My other brother.. couldn't bring himself to talk to me and I decided that was fine because I'd done nothing wrong and I wasn't making that move. To this day I have no idea why this happened, my sister is behind it all - I'm convinced of that! Talk to the person who's gone NC ask what's up, they could need a little support right now.

Cauliflowerhead · 02/12/2019 06:49

Just ask him what’s up. Your supposed to be is sibling.

Amicompletelyinsane · 02/12/2019 06:55

I went no contact with parents. My siblings didn't get it and it must have been awful for them to not understand. However id has therapy and seen how grueling awful my parents treated us. A year down the line everything I had seen was suddenly seen by my siblings to for different reasons. Now non of us see our mother. Its best to try and see both sides or keep contact until you feel like you actually know what it's going on

Menora · 02/12/2019 06:58

My sibling has nothing to do with our DF and this doesn’t affect me. I am low contact with him. It’s her choice and I would never get involved and nor would she in mine. I just see him separately

MeTheCoolOne · 02/12/2019 08:17

Might it be to do with your brothers partner if he has one. You see threads on here all the time where partners have taken extreme offence at something their in-laws have done.

Original poster
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 02/12/2019 08:28

Hi Comis - don't apologise, you haven't upset me. It's just that the sibling's mental health is absolutely terrible and I'm sure will be a factor in their decision.

There is a big difference between low contact and no contact. I am low contact with my family but I haven't devastated anyone by announcing I never want to have anything to do with them again. And if I did it wouldn't be as terrible for the parent as hearing it from the child they were previously closest to. I'm not in the habit of seeing this sibling outside of family occasions so it means I will lose touch too. I last saw him in January, for context.

If you are the NC sibling ... if one of your siblings had asked what was up and why had you cut off contact, would you have been willing to talk?

OP posts: