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Original poster

discovered wife's affair

129 replies

doomslayer · 01/12/2019 01:52

This is my first time posting on any site like this and not a big social media user - so apologies for any breaches of etiquette or incorrect terminology, and thanks in advance for any thoughts/advice.

My wife and I have been together 20 years and married for 12. We have two amazing children aged 5 and 8. Found out a few days ago that she has had a secret relationship with another man that started 10 years ago.

I discovered some flirty and highly suggestive text messages I was not meant to see (she forgot about icloud). These gave me some dates they met up or were planning to, which were mainly around her work meetings. When I confronted her about the most recent, she lied. Said she came straight home after the meeting and met no one. It all started to unravel from there.

She has since admitted that she had an emotional affair with this man, though still occasionally back tracks and tries to minimize it. She claims that this ended a long time ago and they are now just 'normal' friends who keep in touch by e-mail and meet occasionally. I've pointed out that 'normal' friends don't need to be kept secret, and there is no reason to lie about meeting one. I asked to see all the e-mails but all conveniently deleted. She has told him now to never to contact her again, but no sign she would have stopped seeing him if she hadn't got caught.

She says there has never been anything sexual but lots of inconsistencies in her answers to questions. She says she kept it secret due to "pushing boundaries" and "over familiarity" earlier in the relationship (all on his part), before feeling ashamed and "breaking it off" to become just friends. She also says they hadn't met for years until recently, but this doesn't fit with the texts I have. I find it hard to believe her and think I'm just getting trickle-truth.

To top it off, we moved for a new job I got a couple of years ago, which is closer to family. But she did not want me to apply at first as we had been in our previous area a long time and had friends, kids in school etc. etc. I agreed to leave it and wrote it off, but she changed her mind out of the blue at the last minute and I applied. I have now found out that her change of heart coincided with the other man also getting a job which requires him to stay in the area we moved to for a week or to every month. She admits she knew this but swears it was nothing to do with her change of heart. I again find it very hard (impossible really) to believe that, and we moved somewhere that provides more opportunity for her to meet him.

I really don't know where to go from here, and just want to try and get as many perspectives as possible.

Thanks

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/12/2019 02:19

I'm sorry but you're married to a lying twat.

Are both of you UK residents? I'm assuming you'd want 50% residence of your DC. See a solicitor asap.

Sadiesnakes · 01/12/2019 03:19

You could possibly get past it if she wasn't such a liar.
You'll never know the truth now, regardless of what she tells you, so there will be no trust regained, without that, the quality of your relationship will be extremely poor.
It's up to you, and the type of person you are. If you are naturally untrusting anyway, I'd say walk away now, because it'll be a nightmare wondering if anything or everything she says is truth.

CruellaDeVille2019 · 01/12/2019 04:51

An affair running for 10 years? You can't believe that it has never been physical in that time. If the texts suggest that it is still going on now then her affair has lasted considerably longer than many marriages do.

I hate to say this but given the age of your DC, are you sure that they are definitely yours & not his?

A short affair with someone who confesses all is hard enough to move on from and stay married to. A long running second 'marriage' (because that's almost what a 10 year affair is like) will be almost impossible to put behind you, especially when you can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth.

Sorry OP, I think you need to talk to a good solicitor. Consider DNA tests and get STI tests done.

Minionmomma · 01/12/2019 05:07

Go to the chump lady website to try to get some perspective on this. It’s really helping me to gain clarity with my situation.

Your instincts are fully intact and are telling you she’s not being forthright. Your wife has a sense of entitlement and she has put herself and her ego before her family for over a decade. She’s keeping you in the dark so you don’t get to the full truth. But even without the details, you already know that the last ten years of your marriage have been based on lies. You and your children deserve so much more.

JolieOBrien · 01/12/2019 05:08

It makes a change to hear of woman cheating instead of all the number of men cheats on here.

I would gather more evidence before I do anything if I was you. I have several male friends on different sites and it is nothing sexual and I have no intention of ever meeting them in real life. One lives in the US another lives in Shrewsbury and another is in Newcastle. We share the same interests on the sites I am on and we are just internet buddies. I know what they look like and they are not my type at all and I don't see them as anything sexual. Having said that your wife might be lying and if she is I would confront the man and ask what his intentions are. Also why hasn't she left you if she has feelings for this man?

BadProduce · 01/12/2019 05:49

It makes a change to hear of woman cheating instead of all the number of men cheats on here.

There's heaps of woman cheating threads. Probably half half.

I would gather more evidence before I do anything if I was you.

If it were a woman posting about her husband would you say the same? Heaps of women cheat. Sounds like he has seen the messages and can tell flirting and arranging to meet up and friends.
Women cheat too... They're not all precious sensitive petals that never do wrong and he must be mistaken...

I have several male friends on different sites and it is nothing sexual and I have no intention of ever meeting them in real life.

That's great, I am the same. However they don't involve flirting and arranging to meet. I'm sure the OP has posted this as a result of the message contents. Just because it's a woman cheating and he's a man doesn't mean it didn't happen or that he can't tell the difference between messages to a friend and this...

JolieOBrien · 01/12/2019 05:59

@BadProduce

I have not been a member that long so I haven't seen many cheating wives threads yet. I don't regard women as precious petals btw I am quite a tough woman even though my husband says I have a soft face ... whatever that means lol

BitOfFun · 01/12/2019 06:11

What brought you to mumsnet?

BadProduce · 01/12/2019 06:12

Ok well there's as many of those as there are men cheating. Lots of them do. It was just an odd suggestion that he must have taken it wrong and it could be all innocent.

The fact you have friends all over and aren't a cheater isn't really relevant. But if it had been a woman posting about her husbands messages would you have told them to gather more proof? Or taken it how they read it?

This I guess is what I don't get, but there's alot of double standards here. Men who cheat are bastards, women who cheat must have been driven to it, that sort of thing.

CruellaDeVille2019 · 01/12/2019 06:32

This is a forum aimed at mums. Funnily enough, there are more women than men so of course we will hear about more cheating men than women. If it was called dad's net we might hear from more men with cheating wives.

Goldenchildsmum · 01/12/2019 06:35

She's lying to you. You can no longer trust her. If you can live like this then that's ok. I couldn't.

If1knewiwouldnotbehere · 01/12/2019 06:44

@BadProduce

But if it had been a woman posting about her husbands messages would you have told them to gather more proof? Or taken it how they read it?

The answer is yes. the general consensus is to gather as much evidence as possible. Then get your ducks in a row. copies of passports, bank accounts, STIs etc.

but there's alot of double standards here. Men who cheat are bastards, women who cheat must have been driven to it, that sort of thing.

I missed the post that has said that. Mumsnet dont do cheaters of any sex. No one is driven to cheating according to Mumsnet rules. Will assume you are new and thought I would clarify.

dottydolly72 · 01/12/2019 06:48

This is years and years of lies! I don't see how you can get past this sadly. I'm so sorry I know what it feels like and filling in the blanks when someone is giving you half truths is just bloody awful. I will warn you.. there's far more to this than she's letting on. You either dig much deeper and find it or cut your losses and get this person out of your life for good. Hugs xx

BadProduce · 01/12/2019 06:48

I missed the post that has said that. Mumsnet dont do cheaters of any sex. No one is driven to cheating according to Mumsnet rules. Will assume you are new and thought I would clarify.

Not here but there are PLENTY of threads where there is double standards.

And I wasn't even addressing you so thanks for cutting in. Assuming I'm new? Oh how sweet to help me... Or condescending. If you haven't seen the double standards that stick out like a sore thumb I doubt I'm the one that needs the introduction....

As for the beginning of the post I'm not even going to waste time explaining in a way you can understand.

BadProduce · 01/12/2019 06:51

Mumsnet dont do cheaters of any sex.

Jusy had to quote this again... I am still laughing..... Haven't read many of the cheaters threads perhaps but still. Thanks for the laugh.

I'm sorry OP, she's a cheating fool. Don't waste any more of you're time on her and don't listen to the posters minimising what you saw and tell you to check your facts... The double standards here can be insane to the point half them don't even know theyre doing it.

I'm going to unfollow as I don't need to keep replying to certain posters. Good luck OP.

FabLaura · 01/12/2019 06:56

Ah crumbs, so sorry to hear this, not nice for anyone and especially just before Christmas. I suggest seeing a solicitor, ask where legally you stand re-house/ custody/ finances. No one needs to know you went and this way you have some facts. On a separate note, you are worth so much more than this women. This isn't a drunken snog, she has mugged you off. Good luck with finding a happy ending for you and your children.

If1knewiwouldnotbehere · 01/12/2019 06:58

Not here but there are PLENTY of threads where there is double standards.

Well then you could understand the confusion. As it isn't on this thread. In fact the exact opposite of what you have written is on the thread. So not very constructive.

Since you are not new (I'm sure you will find this condescending also), may I suggest you post more relevant to this thread.

I hadn't realised you could only answer to those who specifically address you. And who were you addressing anyway? Someone who didn't say any of what you suggested? Confused

PixieDustt · 01/12/2019 06:58

Oh what a horrible person OP.
She's lying to you. Disgusting.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 01/12/2019 07:07

She's had 10 years to come up with a decent lie and that's the best she can do?

The over familiarity was on his part so she 'broke it off' and they remained friends? Surely if he was the only over familiar one she wouldn't have had to break off because for her, it never would have been more than friendship anyway.

I guess you need to decide what you want. If you want to stay together you need complete transparency. I can't imagine you'll get that, though.
I don't think you'll ever trust her again. She's been cheating for half your relationship.

A decade of secrets would be too much for me to overcome.

Find yourself a good solicitor and make sure that no matter how much you're hurting, you do what's right by your babies.

If1knewiwouldnotbehere · 01/12/2019 07:14

@doomslayer
Just realised I offered you nothing, as I got side tracked by someone trying to score irrelevant points.

I'm sorry for your loss. You must have been in so much shock, it must be hard to handle.

Now is the time to consider what you want to do. The one thing you do know is she has consistently lied. Can you live with that?

willowmelangell · 01/12/2019 08:32

Awful behaviour. I would speak to a solicitor to understand my rights and financial responsibility.
I would think about having DNA tests done.
It has only been a few days. You can ask to see her phone, for time apart, to phone this 'friend' of hers. Her reaction will tell you a lot.
The lies and deceit are all the proof you need that she has not been committed to your marriage. You might ask her what her plans are.

lillypopdaisyduke · 01/12/2019 08:36

She's been found out, and will probably been brought down to earth with a bump, you have been together a long time, and have children, I would talk it through, and try to work things out, it will take a long time for you to trust her again, but - give it a go, she may have liked her 'fantasy' but its not reality - thanks for reaching out/

MalusDacus · 01/12/2019 08:42

Find a good solicitor,make sure you have a DNA test(just in case) and an STI test. Meantime do not tell her anything but keep on checking on her to see how her "friendship " with that scum goes. And out of nowhere you hand her the divorce papers with a smile on your face and always be confident! Once honesty,trust doesn't exist in a relationship, sorry but that relationship is over.You don't deserve to be treated as a doormat and you need to have someone who actually loves and respects you! Good luck @doomslayer!

PersonaNonGarter · 01/12/2019 08:43

Aw, OP, what a shock. You poor thing.

Are you getting any support in real life? FGS, tell someone - sister or friend - so you absolutely aren’t going through this alone. Your wife will lie and mess with your head - you need a friend to bounce the truth off and keep you sane.

FWIW, I think people can have long, intimate non-physical relationships without actual sex. But does that really matter anyway? The point is it is deceitful and intimate and just plain wrong.

45andfine · 01/12/2019 08:45

Focus on what you want out of life. So you love her? Is your relationship satisfying? Can you see yourself with her in another 10 or 20 years?

Then you need to a find out what age feels is missing from your relationship that has made her "need" this other man. Can you work together to fix the problems? Does she want to?

Get stuff clear in your head, then find out what's going on in her head.