Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

discovered wife's affair

129 replies

doomslayer · 01/12/2019 01:52

This is my first time posting on any site like this and not a big social media user - so apologies for any breaches of etiquette or incorrect terminology, and thanks in advance for any thoughts/advice.

My wife and I have been together 20 years and married for 12. We have two amazing children aged 5 and 8. Found out a few days ago that she has had a secret relationship with another man that started 10 years ago.

I discovered some flirty and highly suggestive text messages I was not meant to see (she forgot about icloud). These gave me some dates they met up or were planning to, which were mainly around her work meetings. When I confronted her about the most recent, she lied. Said she came straight home after the meeting and met no one. It all started to unravel from there.

She has since admitted that she had an emotional affair with this man, though still occasionally back tracks and tries to minimize it. She claims that this ended a long time ago and they are now just 'normal' friends who keep in touch by e-mail and meet occasionally. I've pointed out that 'normal' friends don't need to be kept secret, and there is no reason to lie about meeting one. I asked to see all the e-mails but all conveniently deleted. She has told him now to never to contact her again, but no sign she would have stopped seeing him if she hadn't got caught.

She says there has never been anything sexual but lots of inconsistencies in her answers to questions. She says she kept it secret due to "pushing boundaries" and "over familiarity" earlier in the relationship (all on his part), before feeling ashamed and "breaking it off" to become just friends. She also says they hadn't met for years until recently, but this doesn't fit with the texts I have. I find it hard to believe her and think I'm just getting trickle-truth.

To top it off, we moved for a new job I got a couple of years ago, which is closer to family. But she did not want me to apply at first as we had been in our previous area a long time and had friends, kids in school etc. etc. I agreed to leave it and wrote it off, but she changed her mind out of the blue at the last minute and I applied. I have now found out that her change of heart coincided with the other man also getting a job which requires him to stay in the area we moved to for a week or to every month. She admits she knew this but swears it was nothing to do with her change of heart. I again find it very hard (impossible really) to believe that, and we moved somewhere that provides more opportunity for her to meet him.

I really don't know where to go from here, and just want to try and get as many perspectives as possible.

Thanks

OP posts:
siddo · 03/12/2019 21:32

Aww bloody hell what a complete bitch. Has she admitted to having sex with this guy? Do you know him?

Agreed re paternity,

Original poster
doomslayer · 03/12/2019 21:39

@siddo yes. She admitted it today. In our house and hotels. Been doing it for 10 years. I never knew he existed till last Wednesday. But have found a bit of info from her texts and texts and know who he is now.

OP posts:
Fochit · 03/12/2019 21:51

I’m so sorry.

The fact it was in your own home would be a dealbreaker for me. I discovered my DHs affair many years ago and as far as I know it was never at our house. Even though we’ve moved on and are happy, if I was to discover this happened during his affair our marriage would be over immediately.

billy1966 · 03/12/2019 22:15

Oh OP,

Since before ye had children together.
Truly shocking.
Those poor children.
What a web of sheer deceit.

Hard to wrap your head around.

Wishing you strength.

bluebunny123 · 03/12/2019 22:34

So sorry op Thanks glad you've got family around to help you through this.

JolieOBrien · 04/12/2019 02:34

@doomslayer

Does your wife's lover have a family as well? I would let them know what has been going on because they might not have any idea and I would want to know if was their wife or partner.

Monty27 · 04/12/2019 04:36

All the best OP. You're going to need it. You have well and truly been fucked over by this woman. Consider her a stranger from here on in.
Get rid of the cheating piece of shit.
Keep strong. Angry

CoupeCourte · 04/12/2019 05:42

You poor thing. What a lying scumbag she is. I would seek legal advice ASAP.

Your solicitor can probably advise you whether it would be in your best interests to DNA test now or wait, if you were worried she might use a DNA result that wasn't in your favour to prevent you from getting custody (which it sounded like might be a concern from what you've said).

It's great that your brother and parents will be around - you need support, this is an awful shock.

Cloverbeauty · 04/12/2019 05:43

What a stupid bitch she is. You deserve far better. That man won't want her, he will kick her to the kerb too. She's going to be all alone forever, which isnt half if what she deserves. Good luck to you.

Original poster
doomslayer · 04/12/2019 07:34

Any one have any advice on talking to the kids?

OP posts:
Cloverbeauty · 04/12/2019 07:45

I think I agree with another person to wait til after Christmas. Although as you've kicked her out, they will probably realise regardless. Might be best to tell them now that you won't be together, but obviously not say why.

Original poster
doomslayer · 04/12/2019 08:30

@Cloverbeauty

No way I will be able to wait till after Christmas now. Another few days maybe, but they will realise something is not right soon.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 04/12/2019 09:12

OP, get your wife to do the explaining as to why she is no longer in the house. Make sure you are in the room while she does it though.

piethagoras · 04/12/2019 09:30

I don't know if it will help, but when I found out my ex-wife was shagging around, my mind immediately went back in time and some old stuff made sense and created some doubts.

I thought very long and very very hard about paternity for my son, starting out from the position that I was going to do it. In the end I decided it wasn't necessary. It's not that I didn't want to know, but that if I did know, whatever way it turned out, it would make absolutely no difference. He is still my son and always will be.

I still don't know, and don't care. It makes no difference to me and him, and she doesn't matter.

SweetAsSpice · 04/12/2019 09:43

Sit down together with your children. This part is important though - she is the one to tell them. She doesn’t have to go into details of course, but she does need to be the one to break the news. Because of her actions, her family is now being torn apart.

She needs to be the one to tell the children. That is when she may realise the gravity of her actions.

Children don’t need the sordid details, but they do need to understand, and as honest and factual as you can be with them from the start, the better.

It’s incredibly hard, take it one step at a time.

Fochit · 04/12/2019 10:40

I agree with letting her explain.

Wise words piethagoras

TheSandman · 04/12/2019 11:01

@doomslayer

You're new to the site so be warned. Most of the responses you get here will be of the "BREAK OFF THE MARRIAGE NOW." "She's cheating on you", "Dump her!" variety. There seems to be a lot of people here whose sole aim in life is to break up as many marriages as possible.
They like to mess with people's heads - "Get DNA tests to make sure they really are your kids!" is a favourite. It's sadistic game-playing played by people who don't seem to think it is possible to have friendships - even flirtatious ones - with members of the opposite sex without it being 'OBVIOUS THAT THE BASTARD/SLUT IS CHEATING ON YOU'.

Fuck 'em. That's the way they get their kicks. What's important is you, your wife, kids marriage and, yes, the other bloke.

This is not the end of the world. It doesn't have to be the end of your marriage.

Do you love your wife?

Do you love your kids?

You loving your kids doesn't take away from the love you have for your wife. The affection she has for this bloke doesn't necessarily take away from the love she has for you.

We men are such fragile dicks.

When it comes down to it does it REALLY matter if she's had an affair?

Fochit · 04/12/2019 11:13

Sandman

I’m always one to challenge the LTB brigade and did stay with my DH after his affair.
However, having read recent updates I firmly believe doomslayer should end this relationship.

TheSandman · 04/12/2019 11:15

My above was posted in response to the original post. I didn't read through to the end of the thread.

Hurrah! Another busted marriage. Well done, people.

Kit19 · 04/12/2019 11:23

She’s been having an affair for 10 years. How could anyone ever trust a spouse who did that again?

Surely OP deserves a woman who truly loves him & doesn’t treat him like something to wipe your shoes on

NewNameGuy · 04/12/2019 11:32

She needs to tell them. What a bitch

migoga · 04/12/2019 11:32

TheSandman - I agree with you. Be VERY careful about the advice on here, is my advice!!!! I do think some of it is extreme. Some people DO work through situations like this and are happy, some don’t. I don’t think your wife is a bitch or a twat, she is a human being. Horrible language.

TheSandman · 04/12/2019 11:59

Surely OP deserves a woman who truly loves him & doesn’t treat him like something to wipe your shoes on

...and of course you know ALL about their relationship.

My wife has had affairs/flirtations. I knew about them at the time. Not the easiest of times but me knowing about them at the time meant we rode through them. They were short. Possibly because they weren't A Secret! The lovers couldn't cast themselves as the heroes of some passionate forbidden romance. They were just two people doing a bit of occasional shagging when the wall planner was clear enough. Kills the fucking romance dead in the water does that, asking the husband if he'll take the kids for the afternoon while she has a bunk up with the other bloke.
"Yeah, I've got to go into town to get something from Scewfix anyway- but change the fucking sheets this time! Come on, kids."

So much less drama.

and, for the record, I have never 'cheated' on my wife in 20+ years.

GoldfishGirl · 04/12/2019 12:06

It's OP's decision at the end of the day, he came here for a handhold and that's what he's got. There's every chance of his wife finding this thread, it wouldn't be hard for her to recognise herself.

Regarding your children, they will make their own mind up in time. I agree that there isn't an urgency and it would be very distressing for them when there isn't actually a plan yet. So for the sake of the kids you need to communicate more with your wife about what you are going to do to ensure their welfare.

Figgygal · 04/12/2019 12:13

I am another one who doesn't support the LTB brigade life is just not that simple however 10 years of lies and cheating there can't be any trust back from that

Definitely think she should be the one to tell the children and if not you basically have to tell them that you love them very much but that Mum & Dad no longer love each other and will be happier separately please do not drag them into the ins and outs of her dirty business Stay above that

Swipe left for the next trending thread