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Original poster

discovered wife's affair

129 replies

doomslayer · 01/12/2019 01:52

This is my first time posting on any site like this and not a big social media user - so apologies for any breaches of etiquette or incorrect terminology, and thanks in advance for any thoughts/advice.

My wife and I have been together 20 years and married for 12. We have two amazing children aged 5 and 8. Found out a few days ago that she has had a secret relationship with another man that started 10 years ago.

I discovered some flirty and highly suggestive text messages I was not meant to see (she forgot about icloud). These gave me some dates they met up or were planning to, which were mainly around her work meetings. When I confronted her about the most recent, she lied. Said she came straight home after the meeting and met no one. It all started to unravel from there.

She has since admitted that she had an emotional affair with this man, though still occasionally back tracks and tries to minimize it. She claims that this ended a long time ago and they are now just 'normal' friends who keep in touch by e-mail and meet occasionally. I've pointed out that 'normal' friends don't need to be kept secret, and there is no reason to lie about meeting one. I asked to see all the e-mails but all conveniently deleted. She has told him now to never to contact her again, but no sign she would have stopped seeing him if she hadn't got caught.

She says there has never been anything sexual but lots of inconsistencies in her answers to questions. She says she kept it secret due to "pushing boundaries" and "over familiarity" earlier in the relationship (all on his part), before feeling ashamed and "breaking it off" to become just friends. She also says they hadn't met for years until recently, but this doesn't fit with the texts I have. I find it hard to believe her and think I'm just getting trickle-truth.

To top it off, we moved for a new job I got a couple of years ago, which is closer to family. But she did not want me to apply at first as we had been in our previous area a long time and had friends, kids in school etc. etc. I agreed to leave it and wrote it off, but she changed her mind out of the blue at the last minute and I applied. I have now found out that her change of heart coincided with the other man also getting a job which requires him to stay in the area we moved to for a week or to every month. She admits she knew this but swears it was nothing to do with her change of heart. I again find it very hard (impossible really) to believe that, and we moved somewhere that provides more opportunity for her to meet him.

I really don't know where to go from here, and just want to try and get as many perspectives as possible.

Thanks

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 01/12/2019 09:43

Then you need to a find out what age feels is missing from your relationship that has made her "need" this other man

The only thing "missing" is the wife's honesty & fidelity.

@doomslayer sadly you are unlikely to get the full truth from your wife. This has been going on for so long she has become an expert in hiding the truth.

I am guessing this is early days yet. A period of time apart might help you to get your thoughts together. You say you are near family, is it possible for your wife to go and stay with a relative?

Closetbeanmuncher · 01/12/2019 10:17

A fully disclosed one night stand may have been forgivable but this a completely different kettle of fish imo.

To sustain a lie over a period of this time is a huge indicator of her true character.

Certainly she's had sex with him and I'm sorry to say but I would also be DNA testing.

I don't think you're married to the person you think you are to be honest.

Sorry op.

misspiggy19 · 01/12/2019 10:21

** I would speak to a solicitor to understand my rights and financial responsibility.
I would think about having DNA tests done.**

^This. She has been having an affair for 10 years. There is no come back from this. Get your finances in orders and divorce her.

Hopoindown31 · 01/12/2019 10:29

you have been together a long time, and have children, I would talk it through, and try to work things out, it will take a long time for you to trust her again

This would never be said on here to a woman posting about her husband's 10 year affair that he refuses to come clean about.

What is there to talk about? It has been a decade of lies, this is nuclear detonation on a marriage.

OP get your house in order and prepare to separate in my opinion.

Cloverbeauty · 01/12/2019 12:27

She is lying scum and has shagged that man many times. Probably hoping that he will eventually want her which he is never going to, she is just a nice toy for him to play with.

Throw her away, he can have her which he won't. Divorce and move on. You can do so, so much better.

SuperbMonkey · 01/12/2019 12:37

@doomslayer I hope that you are ok? It isn’t easy finding out this stuff by reading texts or emails. It’s even worse finding out that the situation has been ongoing for some time. I’m going through similar myself so I do know how it feels - it is very raw and painful. Sending kind thoughts.

Stressedout10 · 01/12/2019 12:44

Hate to say this but you need to get both dc DNA tested as the affair has been going on for 10 years yet dc are 8 and 5

Original poster
doomslayer · 01/12/2019 14:05

Dear All

Many thanks for all the thoughts and advice. Helps to know I'm not insane.

I was supposed to be away for work for a few days after I found out, so cancelled that and went to stay with my parents. Told them and my brother and went through what I know. That was really really hard. They have been great. Agreed there was nothing normal about what I knew. I'm sure they would talk some sense into me if I was overreacting but are always going to be on my side, so posted here to get more perspectives.

I've told her I don't know if I can ever forgive this but need complete truth and transparency if I am to even consider the possibility. But she's still sticking with the "just friends" line which is never going to be believable - she completely hid this man's existence and identity, and I had to call the number she was texting to find out his name.

I think I do need to do paternity tests but hate the thought of it and it scares me. I hate that she has made me have to think this way about the kids.

Wanted to see the kids so came back to the house yesterday and she agreed to go stay somewhere else last night. She's been out all day but she'll be back soon and I'm dreading it.

OP posts:
SpicyRibs · 01/12/2019 14:46

Sorry to read about your situation OP. Must be absolutely devastating. :(

Unfortunately I echo the comment re the paternity testing. It's a terrible thing to think about but I think you need to know 100% either way.

Do you know whether this other guy is married?

wherearemymarbles · 01/12/2019 16:43

One thing struck me, if they had been having sex for 10 years the texts would either be overtly sexual /sexting or like a married couples would be.

When you read them was your gut feel these people are having sex or are about to? If its the latter then after 10 years maybe she is telling the truth.

That said, definitely do a paternity test. You have my sympathy

PersonaNonGarter · 01/12/2019 17:16

So pleased to hear you have told your family.

Do not be afraid of her. She can (and will) hurt you but you will come out the other side and be OK.

Kit19 · 01/12/2019 17:20

God I’m so sorry OP. I can’t see anyway back from this level of lying & disrespect. You could never trust her again

You need to get advice from a solicitor and a DNA test. You also need to decide when you tell the DC that you are separating and how that will be done

To be frank she sounds an absolutely dreadful person. You will be a million times better off without her

Original poster
doomslayer · 01/12/2019 17:59

I now know the other guy has a young daughter from current relationship with his partner/wife. Two older children from previous relationship. Was between these relationships and single when my wife met him.

The texts I saw varied. Nothing like sexting - suggestive and overly familiar. When I saw them seemed much more than friends and I felt there was something going on. Was going to ask her to explain them, but something made me first ask her who she met on the most recent date I had from the texts. But she lied and said she hadn't met anyone that day, and continued to lie/be evasive after I learned more. She has now also admitted that she would specifically delete texts from him because she knew I wouldn't like the 'wording', and hid e-mails. Very hard to know what to believe right now.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 01/12/2019 18:04

OP, I wouldn't believe a single thing that comes out of her mouth tbh. Lying and denial is standard operating procedure for a long term cheat (I was married to one). You have clear evidence she has met someone and she has lied directly to your face about that so why trust anything else?

JolieOBrien · 01/12/2019 18:10

@doomslayer

Let the other partner know what is going on ... they deserve to know.

JolieOBrien · 01/12/2019 18:13

This reminds me of an old song my Grandmother loved

JolieOBrien · 01/12/2019 18:16

This one is a bit newer.

Kit19 · 01/12/2019 18:18

OP you can’t believe a single word she says!! She’s a serial liar & obviously thinks you’re a mug that she can feed any old crap too

You deserve better than this

ISmellBabies · 01/12/2019 18:20

Hard to know what to believe?! Come on op, she's full of shit and you know it. It's just scary to accept what you know because this means big changes for the family. But even so, you can't possibly consider staying together, can you. Ten fucking years! Leave. In a year's time when you've rediscovered your self esteem you'll be glad you did.

Original poster
doomslayer · 01/12/2019 18:21

@Hopoindown31 - thanks. I know, but I do love her and guess deep down I'm hoping it's not as bad as it seems.

OP posts:
JolieOBrien · 01/12/2019 18:22

I once had an internet male friend whose wife was pregnant with her lovers son and he said if it wasn't for his daughter who was about ten he would have killed them both ... I tried to give him some support but I felt helpless to help Paul from Stoke.

PersonaNonGarter · 01/12/2019 18:56

Thanks Jolie Hmm

OP, obviously - don’t trust her. It will mess with your head. She needs to choose to get back into the marriage.

I would be kicking her out. At least for a while, so she can have a good cold think about what exactly she is losing here.

JolieOBrien · 01/12/2019 18:58

@PersonaNonGarter

You still want her back?

DramaLlamaLady · 01/12/2019 19:00

People who cheat like this are liars.
I literally have a woman on video screaming at me about who and how long shed been screwing them and shes told her partner she was being sarcastic and it was me kicking off accusing her so she went along with it. I barely speak for an hour and when I do it's to tell her to think about what's going to happen when this comes back to bite her because her affair was nothing to do with me and had no effect on my life and I had no idea why she believed I had anything to do with her own shitty decisions.
You will never get the truth. She will admit as much as necessary to placate you and then minimise minimise minimise. Just leave.

Kit19 · 01/12/2019 19:05

@doomslayer “not as bad as it seems”? In what way could it not be as bad??

She’s lied & lied & she’d still be lying if you hadn’t caught her out