discovered wife's affair

[doomslayer]

This is my first time posting on any site like this and not a big social media user - so apologies for any breaches of etiquette or incorrect terminology, and thanks in advance for any thoughts/advice.

My wife and I have been together 20 years and married for 12. We have two amazing children aged 5 and 8. Found out a few days ago that she has had a secret relationship with another man that started 10 years ago.

I discovered some flirty and highly suggestive text messages I was not meant to see (she forgot about icloud). These gave me some dates they met up or were planning to, which were mainly around her work meetings. When I confronted her about the most recent, she lied. Said she came straight home after the meeting and met no one. It all started to unravel from there.

She has since admitted that she had an emotional affair with this man, though still occasionally back tracks and tries to minimize it. She claims that this ended a long time ago and they are now just 'normal' friends who keep in touch by e-mail and meet occasionally. I've pointed out that 'normal' friends don't need to be kept secret, and there is no reason to lie about meeting one. I asked to see all the e-mails but all conveniently deleted. She has told him now to never to contact her again, but no sign she would have stopped seeing him if she hadn't got caught.

She says there has never been anything sexual but lots of inconsistencies in her answers to questions. She says she kept it secret due to "pushing boundaries" and "over familiarity" earlier in the relationship (all on his part), before feeling ashamed and "breaking it off" to become just friends. She also says they hadn't met for years until recently, but this doesn't fit with the texts I have. I find it hard to believe her and think I'm just getting trickle-truth.

To top it off, we moved for a new job I got a couple of years ago, which is closer to family. But she did not want me to apply at first as we had been in our previous area a long time and had friends, kids in school etc. etc. I agreed to leave it and wrote it off, but she changed her mind out of the blue at the last minute and I applied. I have now found out that her change of heart coincided with the other man also getting a job which requires him to stay in the area we moved to for a week or to every month. She admits she knew this but swears it was nothing to do with her change of heart. I again find it very hard (impossible really) to believe that, and we moved somewhere that provides more opportunity for her to meet him.

I really don't know where to go from here, and just want to try and get as many perspectives as possible.

Thanks

@TheSandman

You have an open marriage. This is a lifestyle choice that works for a small number of people. It is not the solution to the discovery of a long term affair.

I’m in love with Sandman.

This place becomes more weird by the day

You can’t convert a secret affair for 10 years where you are worried about the paternity of your DC into an open relationship

OP, I would let them know gently that mummy has gone to stay somewhere and sometimes adults need time apart. And just give them reassurance.

I really feel for you I can hear how painful this for you especially re your children. I hope you are ok

You have an open marriage. This is a lifestyle choice that works for a small number of people. It is not the solution to the discovery of a long term affair.

I don't think it was a lifestyle choice as such, just the obvious, least disruptive solution to what could have become a real issue.

Ideally i would have liked a purely monogamous marriage - the fact that it didn't quite work out like that (and we are talking about a short period a few years ago now) didn't mean I had to throw the baby out with the bathwater. It was a problem. We fixed it. We're still together.

I have no idea how you come back from a 10 year hidden affair but starting out by pressing the Nuke button?! There has to be another way.

Sorry, migoga, I'm taken - but flattered.

@thesandman what is so disastrous about divorce? Of course it is painful and difficult but no more so than living life with someone you dislike and distrust. Living for the quiet life only goes so far.

I tired to give my marriage a go after his affair and it didn't work out. My life is much better now after the divorce than those months of anguish I spent trying to live with someone who hurt me so badly.

and, for the record, I have never 'cheated' on my wife in 20+ years.

Ideally i would have liked a purely monogamous marriage

@TheSandman

So, essentially, your wife ‘cheats,’ and you put up with it, even though this was not the marriage you wanted? If so, that’s truly sad. Or you also ‘cheat’ but because you tell each other about it you don’t view it as such?

I know plenty in open relationships. But they were open from the start.

Wow this has taken on a whole new level of wild weirdness..

I didn't LTB despite the advice on here but two years on after blow and even lower blows of my H's vile double life I can hand on heart say I wished I'd got rid straight away as I'd be a better person than I am right now. Yes I'd have broken the marriage/family and been a wreck (but I was already) .. but two years on I'd have hoped to have recovered somewhat! Sadly all that's happened is deep resentment has set in, I daydream about being free of him and I have zero respect for this man I married. Why didn't I leave.. I was scared, worried and financially tied to the situation. The kids are growing and I'm becoming stronger but I have awful reoccurring dreams.. diagnosed with ptsd (unbeknown to anyone in RL) and it's been a really shit time in my life. If I can save one person going through what I have I'll be happy.. hence my advice.

No one deserves to be treated in this way, years of lies! It's just awful 😕 PM me if you wish, I know how your feeling, this place can be a little harsh. Please remember people this is someone's real life drama be gentle!!

So, essentially, your wife ‘cheats,’ and you put up with it, even though this was not the marriage you wanted? If so, that’s truly sad.

Cheated - past tense. And because I love her I let the marriage adapt to the circumstances. If the OP doesn't love his wife any more then adapting to the circumstances is not going to work for him. I was just trying to point out that divorce is not the ONLY solution. It may be the best solution for him and his wife. No one here will ever really know that. Only they can decide.

Or you also ‘cheat’ but because you tell each other about it you don’t view it as such?

No, I have never slept with anyone else since we married. Never wanted to.

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your children. My advice would be to think through carefully what you want to say to your children and anticipate any responses to their questions beforehand so that you can focus entirely on their emotional needs. And after you have spoken to them try to keep life as stable as possible. Keep hugging and cooking and cleaning and smiling even though your heart is breaking inside because when the waters are churning children cling to the everyday normal.

My post got reported for telling someone they were an idiot for posting something on someone’s thread that was completely unsupportive and irrelevant! FGS

This man is going through a really hard time - shame on you for reporting my post I think you have much bigger problems with your life than what I think about it. FYI don’t care who your wife has sex with, but I think it’s grotesque to come bragging on here when Op is having such a bad time. Grim

Hi OP. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.

Re what to tell the children. Try to make it age appropriate but basically tell them that mum and dad are no longer going to be in a relationship with one another as you gave not been getting along. If they are much younger they do not need to know the details. If they are teenagers then they may work it out for themselves. Tell them that mum and dad are still united as parents and that you love them deeply, nothing has changed there and it won’t change.

There’s some good pointers here:
www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-separation-and-divorce/talking-about-separation/telling-children

Doomslayer. I’m incredibly sorry to hear what you are going through, it must be so painful. You asked for different perspectives, and I want to offer mine. I realise it’s not what the majority of people would say, and I’m not wanting to sound flippant or that the situation isn’t serious. If I discovered my DP had been having an affair for 10 years, I would not necessarily end the relationship. We have 2 children. Our life completely revolves around them, we are rarely intimate, I’d say our relationship is more like siblings than lovers. He is a fantastic Dad, I love him and we are generally happy. My children bring me the ultimate happiness and we have created a great home for them. If I discovered an affair - I’m not providing sex and intimacy, if it makes him happy - It’s not a huge problem for me. And I would let the affair continue, so long as our children are ok. I realise this is not the normal viewpoint, and in your case you have the major paternity issue. One of my children is genetically not mine - but he IS mine (I used an egg donor). I love him in EXACTLY the same way as his sibling who is genetically mine. I realise my situation is entirely different as I made a choice and this is an incredibly hard and horrible decision for you. It’s just my viewpoint and I know I’ll receive a huge amount of criticism for it.

So sorry you're going through this OP.
No one deserves to be treated like this. Glad to hear you've got good family support.
Hope you can see a solicitor asap.

Dear all - many thanks to everyone for advice, perspectives and support.

I have also done some more reading and have a better idea of how to tell the kids what's when the time comes. I will work this out with my "wife" so we speak to them together and will have worked out what to say so they know they will always be loved and supported. I don't care if I am thier biological parent or not - they are my children.

As for the possibility of working past this and staying together for the kids - that's just not possible. A short(ish) affair I think I could have eventually got past, and would have given it a go. But the amount of lies and deceit that emerged over such a long time are just unforgivable. So many things she has done are coming to light and there is still more. I will work with her to make sure the kids get whatever they need, but I need to move on from her and try to find myself again.

Doomslayer - this is a horrible situation and I wish you all the luck in the world. In terms of paternity I would advise to tread very carefully, know your rights and don’t make an enemy of your wife. Interesting article here : www.stowefamilylaw.co.uk/blog/2013/01/14/husband-receives-damages-after-discovering-children-were-not-his/

In fact, having read that article I think there is a strong case for NOT getting a paternity test - but to let your children decide when they are older.

@doomslayer

Wishing you all the luck in the world xxx you seem a lovely guy & hopefully when this is all behind you, you’ll meet someone who appreciates you

Migoga

Look at it like this, you get a call from the hospital. There might have been a mix up in the ward. 5 year old DD might no be biologically yours.
Would you then have a dna test? ( i know you have had egg donation so raising anon biological child is not new territory for you)

But i think in this case 99.9% of women would.

Op has a tough choice. If one or both kids arnt his stbx has a weaker claim on the estate but can totally deny access. If their is no test then she could get a great settlement and then still fuck the op around re access.

wherearemymarbles - I agree with your scenario, but this is a very different situation where his wife could refuse him access. Please read the article, especially the end.

@migoga only if they aren't his children, which tbh you would have to go into a paternity test expecting.

The thing is your wife could argue until she is blue in the face that she is 100% sure both kids are yours. But after a decade of lies you wouldn’t be able to trust that at all.

However, they are your kids, you’ve raised, love them, they are your family. If you have the dna test you potentially risk losing contact with one or both of them. That would mean those children have to deal with a divorce and the loss of a parent. She would be under no legal obligation to continue access.

I would think long and hard before you make any decisions about paternity testing. It’s a truly awful situation for you and I’m so sorry. Love is so much more than dna though, I’d personally not test and just hug them tight and support them through all of this.

A negative paternity test result does not automatically remove your parental responsibility. Only a court can do that and until or unless they do the the mother has no right to prevent contact.

The paternity test is for you to have all the information before making any decisions about your future. It is also important for your children's health at the least that their biological parentage is known in case of any genetic health issues.

Dear all - thanks for continued comments and support.

Feeling slightly more positive today. Had some unexpected intervention on my behalf from wife's side of family. My wife now agreed to move out and has got somewhere close by. I'm making sure we can sort things out as reasonably as we can so kids get as little fall out as possible, and will see their mum lots. I think more pain still to come and a long haul ahead, but didn't expect to see a possible way through so soon.

Good to read OP.
It sounds very very hard.
Talk to those you can.
Very important to verbalise your upset and pain.
You are to be highly commended for trying to remain civil.
Your children will hugely appreciate this going forward.
Wishing you well.💐