Am I wrong for asking for want I want

[ConfusedInNJ]

My boyfriend and I are pretty straight forward with what we want/looking forward to in the future. We've been for 2 1/2 years and recently spoke about getting married at a court house since we're already living together. We go 50 % on everything financially. I must say I'm pretty much happy with him and the accomplishments we've made as a whole. But recently he's been hinting about what my preferences are in the engagement ring I want and sort of trying to convince me of choosing a cubic zirconia vs a diamond because someone he knows suggested it. Am I wrong for wanting a diamond, which he makes more than enough currently to afford one. I've always been the type of woman that doesn't settle, I work very hard for the things I have never received any handouts but now I feel like why should I settle for less if I do everything in my power to make him happy. Please advise

@ConfusedInNJ not at all. Well, I was for a while after DH died in ICU 16 days after an emergency wedding, whilst I was pregnant. There was no ring but that short ceremony meant everything.

5 years later current partner shares my view that women are equal and can buy their own pretty things.

If you want to marry him, remind yourself it's 2019, buy the ring you want because you have a job of your own and enjoy life together, trust me, literally nothing else matters

@Grobagsforever I followed your threads at the time. I've always admired your strength. You showed what love really is, and what really matters.

I don't think that OP will have the decency to apologise to you, but I wanted to let you know that I remember, and I'm very glad that you've found happiness again.

(And you are of course right about the ring.)

Fuck that, get out to Dubai for a holiday. Mine came from there and it's worth a lot more than he paid for it.
No you're not BU for wanting a diamond x

Thank you @Slumberly, that's very kind, I am happy, new partner is minding the baby grobages tomorrow so I can go on a hen do:) Never thought that would be a thing when I was writing that thread in 2014.

I've probably shamed the OP into silence...but if she's reading I hope she recognises the value of marriage and not the bloody ring

@Grobagsforever No you didn't silence me, I don't live on my phone nor the internet. I value life and don't take anything for granted. I'm enjoying real life moments with family and the love of my life, unlike yourself you're so happily married maybe you should tend to your happy marriage than rub you nose in others lives. This was simply a diamond vs costume jewelry stone like ppl on here call it. No one asked you too go further into my life like you did, if I wanted all of my business on here I would've said more. And no I will not apologize because I was unaware of what occurred to you prior. You came at me in that way and I reciprocated

@ConfusedInNJ I really didn't 'come at you'. I just asked why you weren't buying your own ring. A perfectly reasonable question in 2019. Clearly I struck a nerve as you made an extremely nasty comment off the back of my question.

I'm not re-married btw. I don't actually believe in marriage, I find it a weird, patriarchal idea. I marrieds DH because I was pregnant and it was the only way to ensure DD2's name could go on the her birth certificate following his death.

Honestly @ConfusedInNJ I'm older and wiser than you and I advise you to simply enjoy your relationship and any subsequent marriage if you're in love. What ring you wear is wholly irrelevant, I promise. You'll probably tell me to fuck off and stop patronising you, but I went through hell to learn these lessons so I'll pass them on and wish you well in doing so.

@Grobagsforever How do you know that you're older, is it because it's my first marriage? I appreciate your point of you but it's called advice because I can take it or disagree. I didn't say I disagree because if I wanted to I can buy my own ring I'm well off, I just don't want to take that away from him because I know he wants to do the honors like most men In our culture do. I just want a say in what it is I'm going to wear for the rest of my life.

That was a ridiculous, nasty and aggressive response to a straightforward question from @Grobagsforever.

Whether you knew her backstory or not you should apologise for being so cunty to someone who was just asking why you wouldn't buy your own ring - not everyone has the same beliefs as you and that doesn't make them inferior or miserable.

I'm taking an educated guess your youngish from your tone, defensive reaction and values. Never met anyone over 40 getting married who cared remotely about the ring.

You did start this thread asking for advice and I do think you are focussing on something wholly irrelevant to actual, proper future happiness. Trust me, the gifts I have from late DH that I value are nothing expensive or particular. Old T-shirt. Cheap handbag. Postcard. He gave me the odd expensive thing that I was grateful for at the time but it's the spontaneous small things that represent love that I treasure. I recently had to throw out a 'joke' anniversary gift he'd got me - a very basic purple kettle and I was super sad, because that kettle represented us. A ring you have to coerce out of a partner won't hold the same meaning.

@Grobagsforever oh now I'm coercing it out of him. Cmon you're making assumptions about who I am and and about my life and I'm suppose to be respectful. You clearly said you didn't believe in marriage and that is an obvious reason why you're opinion is irrelevant.

@CoupeCourte if anyone's comment was cunty it was @Grobagsforever. Who says that "Go buy your own ring." I could care less what your opinion is @CoupeCourte

Enjoy your cubic zirconium and your cheap man 😂 sounds like you are perfectly suited.

@CoupeCourte oh real mature....sad ppl on here ✌🏼

If you like diamonds why don’t you just get a lab made diamond? You will be able to get a bigger one & they have no issues with conflict sourcing. If it has to be an earth made diamond then I think you should do some more reading about what diamonds are & history of de beers etc

I will also say in my mid 20s almost got engaged - we spoke candidly about it, visited jewellers, I would look up my dream rings online etc... then we broke up. I realised was never deeply in love with him, but the idea of the ring, getting engaged, buying a house etc. I loved the lifestyle.

When I think back to my one that got away, he could have proposed with with a ring pull from a soft drink can for all I would care.

ConfusedinNJ you really don't sound like a very pleasant person. Your OP was reasonable but you descend to hitting below the belt very quickly. Pretty immature and you sound bratty.

Grobags

@ConfusedInNJ you have been incredibly rude to people here.

You're basically compromising on everything.
He won't buy a house with you, he won't have the wedding you want, he won't even buy the engagement ring you what (even though from what you've said he can probably afford it comfortably).

You're doing all the wife work and getting very little in return other than 'he shows me he loves me every day'. How?

I'm not here having a go. You sound young and naive, and that's fine because we've all been there. I'm guessing he's your first love and he's a bit older than you?

You're paying 50-50 and doing 90% of everything else. Is that fair? Is that what you want for the rest of your life?

If it is that's fine. Pay the difference on the ring.

I feel sorry for the posters who have tried to advise you. Do what the hell you want - not sure why you asked for advise. Grobags

OP isn't happy hearing the truth from people so has decided the answer is to be rude to everyone instead 👍

Why are you being so bitchy OP? Have posters hit a nerve?

@ConfusedInNJ just because I don't believe in marriage, that doesn't mean my view is irrelevant. I believe in appreciating and finding happiness in long term relationships - and that are expensive gifts, be they engagement rings or other are not relevant, especially when not given willingly! He doesn't want to buy you a diamond, hence the 'coercion' comment. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you, just means he doesn't want to buy a diamond.

Why bother posting for views? You don't want to hear them.

OP isn't happy hearing the truth from people so has decided the answer is to be rude to everyone instead

I call it First Time Poster Syndrome.

Hope the bloke comes to his senses and buys no ring at all and breaks off the engagement and finds someone for whom an expensive ring is not the be all and end all. OPs attitude may explain why he insists on things being 50/50 even though he earns more - she probably has expensive tastes generally in other areas too.

Personally I think the ring is a red herring.

Or actually a canary in the mine.

But you're very aggressive, op. Catch yourself on.