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Original poster

Am I wrong for asking for want I want

129 replies

ConfusedInNJ · 26/11/2019 22:46

My boyfriend and I are pretty straight forward with what we want/looking forward to in the future. We've been for 2 1/2 years and recently spoke about getting married at a court house since we're already living together. We go 50 % on everything financially. I must say I'm pretty much happy with him and the accomplishments we've made as a whole. But recently he's been hinting about what my preferences are in the engagement ring I want and sort of trying to convince me of choosing a cubic zirconia vs a diamond because someone he knows suggested it. Am I wrong for wanting a diamond, which he makes more than enough currently to afford one. I've always been the type of woman that doesn't settle, I work very hard for the things I have never received any handouts but now I feel like why should I settle for less if I do everything in my power to make him happy. Please advise

OP posts:
AnneTwackie · 27/11/2019 21:59

Get the ring you want. I didn’t and I’ve always regretted it.

larrygrylls · 27/11/2019 22:01

I think that neither of you are really that into one another. You are fixated on the ring rather than the marriage and he is being a total cheapskate.

You should maybe question your future rather than the refractive index of the stone...

adaline · 27/11/2019 22:07

Do you love him?

Because it really doesn't sound like you do.

Original poster
ConfusedInNJ · 27/11/2019 22:17

@adaline I do very much, and I know he loves me as well, I'm thinking he probably doesn't want to disappoint me and wants to make sure before proposing. He knows what I want but maybe he didn't think it made a difference to me but like others have mentioned on here, I rather wear something I'm going to love looking at and not regret afterwards. And I've explained that to him but it stayed on my mind and that's why I'm here

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 27/11/2019 22:21

@ConfusedInNJ

Thanks for answering.

Does he own the house you both live in now or renting?

Has he been married before? DC?

I would take some time out for yourself to really think about what YOU want. You only get one life. Write it out on paper as it helps seeing it in black and white.

Write out your goals in life. Write out pros and cons of your bf.

If you have a good friend/relative, the type that will tell it to you straight, talk to them about all this and see what they have to say about it too.

MelissaCortezsPastry · 27/11/2019 22:30

Firstly, well done for falling for the marketing that De Beers (the diamond people) promoted that the only way to propose was with a diamond engagement ring. De Beers successfully controlled the market for diamonds for decades.

But there are much cheaper alternatives that are NOT cubic ziconia which I believe are costume jewellery rings. Moissanite is so like a diamond you would be hard pushed to tell the difference and the video below shows you side by side comparisons between a diamond and a moissanite. Fire and Brilliance do a load of videos on Moissanite on YouTube. The one below is a New York jeweller.

Whathewhatnow · 27/11/2019 23:42

If it's important to you, at the least you'd expect a conversation about why you value this sort of engagement gift.

But SimonJT.. & Hells...have it straight. Why, why, why do people need a big rock to prove their relationships ?

Diamonds and the like are just stuff. Nice stuff admittedly but still...

Cloverbeauty · 28/11/2019 06:05

But SimonJT.. & Hells...have it straight. Why, why, why do people need a big rock to prove their relationships ?

It's not to prove your relationship. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a ring on your hand that you think is ugly as hell? Why not have something you like to look at and love?

My partner thought that the ER was only until the wedding then it got replaced. He didn't realise I would wear it forever, so he didn't understand why I was willing to spend more than him. Once he realised he didn't care. He doesn't want me spending the rest of my life hating what's on my hand. Why would he? He loves me and wants to see me happy. If your partner doesn't care, that's a bad sign.

category12 · 28/11/2019 06:41

Hmm He "forgets" bills, so you have to do his thinking for him.

Hmm He earns 30% more than you, but you pay the same for things.

Op, if he's basically mean with money, you need to carefully consider whether marrying him at all is a good idea. And even more definitely, whether to have dc or not with him. Speak to him about what would happen during maternity leave, and just let him talk - if it's all about how you'll need to fund it, run a fucking mile.

SimonJT · 28/11/2019 07:03

@Whathewhatnow I find it quite worrying when people’s love can be bought, very scary.

SpicyRibs · 28/11/2019 08:47

Maybe he genuinely can't see the difference between CZ and a diamond so to him 'why pay more'? Both are shiny!

Engagement rings are just as much about (if not more tbh) the symbolism than the ring itself. I know friends who have 'objectively' ugly rings (perhaps old mother or grandmother rings for example) but they love them because of what they represent and the love they have for their OHs.

Hepsibar · 28/11/2019 10:05

There is nothing wrong in wanting a diamond engagement ring! Same way if you wanted a ruby or emerald. You were asked and said! If it is going to cause severe financial difficulties then obv you might not be able to have what you want. You may on looking at rings change your mind anyway.

What I would say, if you have someone who is mean, then I would personally still well clear as advised by Starlight456 and Aquamarine1029 ... ... dont be rose tinted, if he's mean (without needing to watch costs) before, he will likely be much worse once you're together and a whole lot worse should you have children ... and as for any split ... ...

adaline · 28/11/2019 10:14

I do very much, and I know he loves me as well

That's interesting because there's no romance or sense of love in any of your posts. Your entire relationship just seems very functional and logical - as if engagement and marriage and a diamond ring are just the next steps as you've been together a certain amount of time.

Anyway, I see a lot of red flags waving in your posts and I would recommend taking a big step back for a while. He makes you pay 50% of the bills even though he earns 30% more than you? You need to organise bill-paying because he's not organised enough, even though he's capable of earning a good salary?

Why aren't you paying bills in proportion to your earnings? My DH earns double what I do so we split the bills accordingly. It's not right that he ends up with 30% more leftover each month than you do.

larrygrylls · 28/11/2019 10:17

The ideal would be you not caring if he gave you a ring made of tin foil and him wanting to buy the biggest diamond he could possibly afford.

You are a long way from that....

Slumberly · 28/11/2019 10:19

As you're paying half each, you each get an equal say

cingolimama · 28/11/2019 10:29

Oh for God's sake, I can't believe how many pp are trying to guilt OP into accepting and wearing a ring she doesn't want. WTF? This ring is not like any other bit of jewelry. It has symbolic value and emotional value. The wearer should LOVE it, and love looking at it. It is supposed to be a pleasure to give and to receive and wear for (hopefully) a very long time. Why are women supposed to be simperingly grateful for whatever is offered?

Btw, OP, I totally second pp's suggestion of second-hand or vintage diamond rings. They are fantastic value, and unless you can afford a very high-end jeweller, often much lovelier than anything you could buy new.

Slumberly · 28/11/2019 11:06

@Startingoveragain1

Its your engagement ring fgs, he should be wanting you to have the best ring he can afford as you'll be wearing it as a commitment to him.

Wow I didn't realise that being faithful to someone with so directly correlated with how much money they spent on you

Original poster
ConfusedInNJ · 28/11/2019 14:14

Thank you so much @cingolimama If I were here saying I'm not happy in my relationship I could understand of the negative comments. And I didn't go into complete details about my personal romantic relationship so I don't get how certain ppl on here claim to know everything about my feelings or his. Please stick to the subject which is engagement rings not how much you think I may or may not love my significant other, which you have no clue

OP posts:
adaline · 28/11/2019 14:31

Please stick to the subject which is engagement rings not how much you think I may or may not love my significant other, which you have no clue

It's not just about engagement rings, though. With the greatest of respect, he doesn't sound very nice.

Original poster
ConfusedInNJ · 28/11/2019 14:36

@adaline Because you don't personally know him btw he's amazing

OP posts:
Startingoveragain1 · 28/11/2019 15:12

@slumberly we could be ever so simplistic and equal the price of a ring to loyalty and faithfulness whithin a couple but you missed the point. its not about how much they spend on you perse, its about the circumstances they are in and their ability to be able to get their partner something that they look forward to for a very particular, once in a lifetime event that obviously seems to mean a lot to them. Op is not wrong for wanting a diamond. And trying to convince someone to get a zirconia because someone else got one is not puttin much thought on their partners thoughts.

Original poster
ConfusedInNJ · 28/11/2019 17:17

@Startingoveragain1 Perfectly said

OP posts:
Slumberly · 28/11/2019 19:28

Startingoveragain1 @slumberly we could be ever so simplistic and equal the price of a ring to loyalty and faithfulness whithin a couple but you missed the point.

I missed the point?

You wrote:
he should be wanting you to have the best ring he can afford as you'll be wearing it as a commitment to him.

You said that he should want her to have an expensive ring BECAUSE she is wearing it as a commitment to him. Could you explain the logic of that please, if it's not that you think he is buying her fidelity?

Op is not wrong for wanting a diamond. And trying to convince someone to get a zirconia because someone else got one is not puttin much thought on their partners thoughts.

So do you think she should buy him a sports car if he wants one? Or a top of the range iphone? Or whatever particular extremely expensive token he thinks signifies how much she loves him?

Or is it only men who are expected to spend ludicrous amounts of money on their partner to prove that they love them?

Grobagsforever · 28/11/2019 20:05

Sorry, why can't you buy the ring yourself?

Original poster
ConfusedInNJ · 28/11/2019 21:20

@Slumberly No one said anything about buying it to show proof of love, I know he loves me he shows me everyday

OP posts:
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