Am I wrong for asking for want I want

[ConfusedInNJ]

My boyfriend and I are pretty straight forward with what we want/looking forward to in the future. We've been for 2 1/2 years and recently spoke about getting married at a court house since we're already living together. We go 50 % on everything financially. I must say I'm pretty much happy with him and the accomplishments we've made as a whole. But recently he's been hinting about what my preferences are in the engagement ring I want and sort of trying to convince me of choosing a cubic zirconia vs a diamond because someone he knows suggested it. Am I wrong for wanting a diamond, which he makes more than enough currently to afford one. I've always been the type of woman that doesn't settle, I work very hard for the things I have never received any handouts but now I feel like why should I settle for less if I do everything in my power to make him happy. Please advise

Look at it as an investment.

Most women can spot a CZ fake diamond from a real diamond a mile off. I am no jewellery expert but I can usually tell the difference around 85% of the time.

If things were tight financially then you would accept whatever he could afford. Except you have already stated that you are comfortably off. He sounds to me like a cheap skate bordering on repatious. Be warned, men who have tendencies like this when young only ever get worse as they get older. Can you imagine what he will be like if you stop work to have babies?

Tell him that you only intend to get married once, therefore if you don't want a cheap court house wedding if you should have dreams of the big white wedding then don't settle for anything less. The same with the engagement ring. Any ring other than one you fall in love with will feel like you are settling. It's not the right way to start married life

Just because he proposes doesn't mean you have to accept.

I suspected it was sign of a bigger issue and with the comment that you always have to be compromising, i would be really Cautious.

First of all, 50/50 on household when he earns more than you isnt acceptable. That needs discussing and changing. Otherwise he is getting more disposable income. Is he saving for the wedding?

Have you discussed if you will have children? how long you expect to take mat leave? How he will support you through mat leave fairly?

This is a huge red flag for me.

Ah, another one of those posters who expects a man do splurge out on an engagement ring despite everything else being 50/50 and when challenged on it says "because tradition".

Tradition would dictate you weren't living together, of course, but, it's amazing how often tradition only applies one way.

I assume you will be buying him an engagement gift of precisely the same value, minus 30% because he earns 30% more than you? Probably not because, you know, tradition.

I would also go vintage or another gem rather than a diamond.
But I also have an activist daughter who is all about decent wages for miners

I was the same OP, I really wanted a diamond. I got one and now I feel a bit silly. New diamond rings loose 50%+ of their value as soon as they leave the shop and the only thing that shows they are a real diamond is their imperfections.
If I had my time again I would have asked for a previous metal ring with a manufactured diamond (or other gem) OR a second hand one from EBay (you can literally find the ring you want from a popular jewellers and then search it on EBay, nearly always find an as new one with certificates)

OP, just go engagement ring shopping with him. Get what you want. I have an unpolished emerald and I absolutely love it

choosing a cubic zirconia vs a diamond because someone he knows suggested it
Well good for the 'someone he knows'
They can have that.
This is YOUR ring and YOU want a diamond.
Seems an odd thing for him to come out with.
Does he always do what others do?
Does he have his own mind and opinions?
Does he value you and what YOU want?

I thought tradition was that the man bought a ring and surprised the woman with it.

If it's tradition you want, then why are you discussing the whole matter?

Confused

re this part of your comment:-
"...because he's a great guy but I feel like I'm alway the one compromising on a lot of things and he's always trying to find the easy way around it".

Why do you state he is a great guy?. If a girlfriend of yours was talking about her fiancé like this, what would you be thinking?. Does he do everything in his power to keep you happy; it would seem not but you seem to bend over backwards for him.

"Great guys" really do not act like this. He can stick his proposed suggestion of you having a cubic zirconia ring where the sun does not shine. What else has he or will he ask you to compromise on?. Are you really 100% sure about this person?.

Sorry, just realised that sounded snippy, wasn't meant to me. It was a real question - if you are going for tradition, then isn't it all meant to be a big surprise?

I thought the price of the ring was supposed to be so that you 'showed off' your prospective husband's income on your finger so everyone could be jealous - that's why people went for flash expensive rings?

(PS I'm with you, zirconia is costume jewellery).

I echo a pp who said don't marry or have kids with a cheapskate man. You've said you compromise more than him, too. This will worsen in time until your wants and needs are disregarded totally.

@ShatnersWig

Perfectly put!

People are allowed to choose which traditions to keep.

Actually if someone thought so little of me that they wanted to buy a fake diamond I would rather not have one at all. The ring I liked was a Dior one which was not at all traditional and a few hundred pounds. It was my DH who wasn’t very happy about that who wanted me to have a stone. I definitely would choose a vintage ring if I had my chance again.

I don't get the reasons behind deciding some things should be adhered to because of tradition, yet some things can be ignored because of tradition. You speak about marriage very logically rather than romantically, yet still crave a romantic gesture. You say your relationship is split 50/50 but you make no mention of what you intend to purchase for him as an engagement gift, just that you already do everything in your power to make him happy. Could it be that perhaps he feels this way too, and since you have both approached the idea of marriage in a rather lateral way, he doesn't see the need to go big on the romance because HE already does everything in his power to make you happy?

Erm no cubic zirconia is not good enough if you want diamonds!

Fwiw if cost is an issue diamond cluster rings are beautiful and often cheaper! I have one and I adore it!

Personally, I'd take this as a 'canary in the coalmine' moment.

He's showing you who he is; you would be well advised to listen.

Most diamonds are mined by people suffering horrible life conditions, including children as young as 5. When I look at a diamond I can only think of that. But assuming we are speaking about ethically sourced diamonds, you should like your engagement ring if you are supposed to wear it. I wouldn't mind an onion ring if it's from the man I love though. Conversely, the right man would try to get me a ring I feel excited about.
On the other hand "I must say I'm pretty much happy with him " sounds quite unromantic. Why don't you just buy the ring you want yourself?

God, no way would I marry a man who wanted to buy me a CZ engagement ring if that's not what I wanted. It's cheap and he can obviously afford better. Sounds like he will be tight your whole life. You will wear this ring for a long time, it's worth the investment.

Not wrong at all to want a diamond. This isn't the time for him to be tight.

Oh, and make it a bloody big one just to get him back for being cheap!

He will drive you mad a few years down the line.

It's about tradition

And what does the tradition mean? You must know that since it's so important to you to uphold?

It's a down payment for your virginity - that's why women traditionally keep the engagement ring if the wedding is called off, because they're damaged goods and it's considered compensation.