Does your DH look after you when you are unwell?

[dinosaurrisotto]

I have a hideous cold/flu virus at the moment. Nothing serious but my temperature is raging, i'm aching, generally feeling crap. It's made me realise that my husband NEVER asks how i'm feeling when i'm ill, doesn't offer to get things for me etc. In fact he swings between indifference and annoyance. Is this normal? We have DC and he did make them breakfast this morning (nearly always my job) and took one to a party. But this is caring for DC and not me. I often get migraines so perhaps he's just fed up with it, but there is little affection in our marriage and it's times like these that remind me of that fact.

My DP looks after me in the way I like...as in he leaves me alone in bed watching bad telly and pops up/WhatsApps periodically asking if I want tea or soup. And gives me lots of cuddles. Sorry you ill OP, your DH sounds like an arse!

I wouldn't describe indifference/annoyance about your spouse's well-being as normal, no.

I wouldn't expect a lot for just a cold but I would expect to be asked how I am!

No he doesn't. If I ask he'll pick up something from the chemist on his way home from work. He's slightly better if kids are ill. I once asked him to come home to give the kids dinner when I was really ill and felt like I was going to pass out everytime I stood up. He got home an hour later then I needed him here, so I had to organise dinner, got 1 DC a piece of fruit then sat on the couch with his headphones in watching his tablet and ignoring everyone. DH often gets annoyed that I'm ill.

I don't think the way DH treats me when I'll is normal or nice. He's a jerk about it. Sounds like yours is too.

No, both my ex husbands were irritated by illness and didn't do anything not even a cup of tea.
My second husband dumped me while I was in hospital seriously ill, just couldn't be bothered with it all.
It's a sign not all is well I think.

Same as pp. If he's off work he will leave me alone in bed and bring tea if I ask him. If he's at work he'll tell me to put on a movie for the kids and to do as little as possible. He will then take over once home.
But do tell him what you'd like him to do.

He usually sends me to bed and comes and checks on me every so often. Sorts ds (not his ds) brings me drinks and some food if I am up to it.

Will run me a bath as well. Indifference or annoyance isnt normal, no.

Indifference or annoyance here too. He generally doesn't like the inconvenience to him if I am unable to function at full strength. Probably not good for our marriage, but he now gets exactly the same level of sympathy back when he is ill. I used to fuss over him and look after him, no more!

DH is a great nurse, he can be a bit bossy at times though. Sends me to bed if he thinks I need a sleep, insists I eat and drink etc.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a shit tbh, does he ever show affection? He sounds a lot like an ex of mine who would only show affection when he wanted sex. The rest of the time I was just an annoyance. I got rid, obviously.

Indifference and annoyance here too and I often panic about getting seriously ill, i would be facing it alone.

I don’t need pandering too (unlike him) just a little care and compassion would be nice. I no longer pander to him when he is ill anymore, he can get a taste of his own medicine.

Your husband sounds horrible. It's not right but unfortunately I think it's fairly common. I wouldn't put up with it as it says a lot about a persons character and I couldn't be with someone so uncaring.

I hope you feel better soon OP. I won't say LTB but I think you should think about if you want to spend your life with someone like this.

My DH always seems resentful, but will say he's fine. If he has to stop his plans to look after me/take care of the DCs, he stomps around like a bear with a sore head.

Sorry you’re not well OP. Hope you’re better soon. Your dp should come into the room on an hourly basis to plump pillows offer tea or hot water with honey and lemon, paracetamol and offer to nip to the shop for anything you require. Some men expect that level of care from you, however when it’s their turn to nurse they do zilch. Unbelievable.

Could the problem with these lazy pigsbe that they don’t know how to look after the house or children and are out of their dept and comfort zone. The answer seems clear, leave them alone with dc more often so they get used to making decisions or doing things to amuse them. Youve been doing too much. Their turn to learn responsibility now. Alternate evenings do you can have downtime. Plus one day each at the weekend.

Bet they are wishing they’d nursed you better now..!

DH looks after me. Sends me to bed and brings me drinks/ medicine and deals with the kids. Just like I do when he is ill.

Your DH sounds like an arse.

My ex and my current DP have always been brilliant at nursing me, including help with showering etc after surgery, feeding me, dressing me. When I get a virus and need a lemsip and tea it must seem like a breeze now!

Hope you feel better soon. Anyone who treats you as an annoyance or with irritation when you feel like shit is an arsehole who doesn't care about you, frankly.

Yes, DH takes care of me when I'm ill. As a PP said, usually by letting me sleep/stay in bed for days and coming up periodically to see if I want a drink or anything to eat. That's what you do for people you love. I do the same for him.

Mine is very kind. I assumed it was typical but reading this, maybe not!

He'll go to the chemist for me without hesitation, and would definitely make me a cup of tea. And would definitely make dinner.

That said, I don't really tend to need much looking after as I'm a nurse and we tend to keep going unless we've got a leg hanging off.

Tbh if he was unkind I'd read him the riot act. It's my job to take care of people, and I consider it a basic human act. Its not difficult and to not want to do it reveals something unpleasant about the soul. I would make it clear I expect basic care - such as tea and sympathy - as part of a marriage.

PS. Get well soon!

Yes, dh is actually really good at this. He will let me stay in bed even if it’s just a bad cold and make me a hot drink, go out and get strepsils for me, etc. Never seems annoyed or put out.

DH brings me food and drinks when I want and asks me regularly if I need anything or if he can help. I do the same for him. I walked for 20 minutes to the local shop whilst pregnant to get him soup when he was ill and we didn’t have any in.

Yes he does, it's usually a migraine so his way is leaving me in bed to sleep & taking over with baby.. he'll also quietly creep in to the bedroom & place a macdnalds on the bedside table when I'm getting over a migraine! They last 2/3 days & I don't eat much so when I'm better it's all I want!

I could've written this post OP, even down to the migraines. You deserve to have a caring DH, we all do! Get well soon

I am currently ill with a cold. My DH was initially also resentful and willing himself to be more ill than I was. I called him out on it and apparently I just need to ask if I want anything. He doesn't think I might want a cup of tea, I have to ask. So now I ask and tell him I'm staying in bed and he has to deal with the DCs.
Hope you feel better soon OP. I've been struggling on and off for 2 weeks now (maybe he has a point)!

When I’m ill my husband treats me in the same way as you would a broken domestic appliance - irritation and martyrdom at having to do it himself.
He didn’t take care of me when I had pneumonia whilst pregnant with DS 4. My mum came over, took one look and took me to hospital. He just seemed pissed off tat he had to do the school run.
We are still together but the marriage is damaged. It’s not OK.
No advice but for you x

What you describe isn't normal in my experience. He doesn't sound very kind or loving.