Does your DH look after you when you are unwell?

[dinosaurrisotto]

I have a hideous cold/flu virus at the moment. Nothing serious but my temperature is raging, i'm aching, generally feeling crap. It's made me realise that my husband NEVER asks how i'm feeling when i'm ill, doesn't offer to get things for me etc. In fact he swings between indifference and annoyance. Is this normal? We have DC and he did make them breakfast this morning (nearly always my job) and took one to a party. But this is caring for DC and not me. I often get migraines so perhaps he's just fed up with it, but there is little affection in our marriage and it's times like these that remind me of that fact.

I'm sad to read about the unempathetic partners here who are mean to you or cold because your illness makes life harder for them.

Acts of service (love language) keep me feeling loved so I would not be happy knowing my partner or husband would feel irritated and resentful if I was ill rather than caring and thoughtful.

My ex was shit, he used to almost pretend I was making it up and I am rarely so ill it knocks me off my feet. I learnt to not even ask, because he was so awful at making me think I was being a drama queen. Once I was so violently ill from food poisoning and he didn't believe I felt unwell until I was vomitting non stop for hours. Eve then he didn't really have much sympathy.

My current partner is fab, we have only been a short time in comparison to my ex, and in that time I have had recurrent utis, 2 cancer scares (cervical cone biopsy and a breast biopsy), I hurt my back and like an old lady for weeks, and recently I have been diagnosed with PMDD which means I can be a bit unstable the few days before my period and I am wiped out for few days too. He cooks, he makes sure I am warm and have what I need and he is a total star. And he never complains. I think the way you are taken care of when you need it says a lot about the person you are with (I would do the same for him).

Hope you feel beter soon.

I think my DH being so good at looking after me when I'm not well - which isn't often - is related to the fact that his DM, who got divorced when he was 12, suffered horrendously with endometriosis in his later teenage years. He got used to looking after his younger brother - doing the cooking, cleaning etc - when their DM was confined to bed.

And she was and is a superwoman. She's now in her 80s and puts us to shame with her physical fitness and activities. I'm 52, he's 54 and she's a damn sight fitter and more active than both of us! He knew that if she could have done stuff, she absolutely would have. She had a hysterectomy in her late 50s that totally changed her life.

So just a thinking point here... All these arsehole blokes who find their wives illnesses a total inconvenience and a reason for anger and resentment that they might have to care for their own children for an hour or two. Who exactly do they think is going to step up and care for them/wipe their arses when they become ill in later life? All you lovely ladies posting here I reckon. Is that what life you want in your later years? And you know what, your DC know that they treat you like crap. They wouldn't want that for you either.

Reminds me of my lovely friend Julie. She and her OH weren't married - as he wouldn't get married - but she moved into his house as he wouldn't move into hers. She rented her house out.

He treated her like a lodger, not a partner. She had no say in anything because it was 'his house', 'his garden' etc etc. He then decided to go Vegan and banned her from bringing anything non-Vegan into the house. She was a horse owner and dressage competitor so she was not allowed to bring anything horse related into the house as it was exploiting animals. Which is fine, everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but....

They split up and she was in the process of moving out and back into her own house. Then he had a massive stroke. Guess who he suddenly wants to stay in his house to care for him?? She didn't!

Christ alive! I would leave any man, woman, child that didn't care for me in my hour of need.
I don't get ill often (touch wood) but every month I suffer badly from period pain and my DP looks after me with pain killers, hot water bottle, dinner, and cups of green tea. If he's away then my teenage Ds does chores and brings me anything I need. I have had a colposcopy and a misscarriage before and DP has eased me in too baths and helped me get in bed. Saying that I do everything for them when I'm well and able and they know this!
OP please consider what you want from a relationship because I do believe being looked after when poorly is one of those things. Get well soon.

No but he'll pick up the slack with the boys and housework, where he can.

Yes my dh does. I came home from work yesterday with a migraine, he asked if I wanted to go to bed, which I did, whilst I was throwing up he got into bed to warm it up for me. Then left me to sleep all evening whilst he sorted the dc. When I was ready for food the sorted me what I wanted.

Not really (memorable low point: when I had an incomplete miscarriage of our twins and he was refusing to work from home so he could collect me from hospital after the ERPC...I had to threaten to ring his boss).

He will however completely take over with the DC, which is I suppose better than nothing!

Told him last week I had a rattly chest and was coughing a lot. He kept pestering me to go running, and pretty much dragged me to parkrun on Saturday morning after giving me no help to get our two toddlers ready. Wouldn't give me any help over the weekend, expected me to food shop and meal prep while he went out with his visiting brother and left at least kne kid with me all the time. Freaked out when I asked him to get up at 8:30 on Sunday morning to let me rest and told our 3 year old to shut up for asking him to put the bin out.

I went to the GP on Monday, I have a bad chest infection - bad enough to require 10 days of antibiotics.

If I had the energy I'd walk out... this isn't the first time he's been like this and I'm sick of it.

DH tends to be overprotective over me as he lost a number of relatives to sudden viral illnesses including flu. It doesn’t help that while I don’t get ill often when I do it wipes me out to the point where I often can’t even get out of bed.

My ex husband used to get really angry when I was ill, as if I was doing it to spite him.

I had influenza once and was very poorly. He was furious.

Horrible man. I stayed far too long. Trouble was, the good bits made me want him to be like that all the time, and made me try and do "better" so he would be like that more.

I think part of his anger stemmed from the fact that I couldn't pander to him when I was ill.

My DH has been unwell for months with a heart virus.

I've been ill for the last 4 days with a horrible cough, no voice, throwing up phlegm etc.

My ill husband has put me to bed, has marshalled the DC to put food in the oven and appears periodically at my door with medicine/snacks/mint tea.

He's not fussing or asking how I feel much, but he's got my back. I could cry with relief. I have.

So many shit men on this thread. Why don't these men step up? Why are they so shit? Why do they think it's OK?

Hope we all feel better soon xxx

Men whose significant other becomes seriously unwell are statistically more likely to leave them, whereas women are less likely to leave their partner if he becomes seriously unwell.
My other half is pretty kind and caring when I am sick. I think a lot of men see it as a massive inconvenience that their human household appliance is out of order and they have to care for kids, cook etc.

Jesus Christ so many shitty partners on thread! Sympathies to everyone suffering this level of douch-baggery. My husband looks after me, he's been known to drive 30mins to the all night supermarket to get me more medicine when I'm struggling but basically wraps me up in a blanket and takes over the drudge. The same as I do for him!

More of the same today. Ended up chasing my toddlers for the evening despite having been so exhausted after doing a food shop earlier I had to lie on the couch for an hour.