Does your DH look after you when you are unwell?

[dinosaurrisotto]

I have a hideous cold/flu virus at the moment. Nothing serious but my temperature is raging, i'm aching, generally feeling crap. It's made me realise that my husband NEVER asks how i'm feeling when i'm ill, doesn't offer to get things for me etc. In fact he swings between indifference and annoyance. Is this normal? We have DC and he did make them breakfast this morning (nearly always my job) and took one to a party. But this is caring for DC and not me. I often get migraines so perhaps he's just fed up with it, but there is little affection in our marriage and it's times like these that remind me of that fact.

I came down with a really high fever, was breathless, slurring my words and just really unwell. I had to beg dh to stay home for an hour so I could go to the GP. He was an absolute dick about it and shouted at me. I went to the GP and was admitted to hospital with sepsis and tbf he did realise the error of his ways and has been better since then. He is good though with the fact I've recently become much less mobile and in pain - he's not resentful I don't think. Not sure I'll ever truly forgive him though for the way he behaved when I genuinely thought I might die. (It wasn't as serious as that but I honestly felt like the end was nigh)

Yes my husband does make sure I'm okay when I'm ill. On the odd occasion I've had flu or similar he just gets on with everything with the kids so I can just rest in bed. I would do the same for him.
I was in hospital earlier this year and he was amazing.
I also get migraines and when I do he understands I need to just take time out - sometimes for up to 72 hours if it's a bad one.

Where the hell did all these shit partners come from? Is there a town they were all raised to be complete selfish arseholes?

Yes, Dh looks after me. I have endometriosis so I get fatigued quite a bit, and obviously my periods are horrific. Dh of 20 years, plus both my teenage sons all tend to any need I have. If Dh is here and not at work then he is at my beck and call. If he is still at work then my sons will run me a bath or make me tea and toast.

Dh for no reason whatsoever will massage my feet. He clears the ice off my windscreen whilst he is doing his, makes me a cup of tea in the morning whilst I am still in bed, a luxury I didn't have when the children were little.

I am a SAHM so everything does fall to me, but the second I am ill Dh takes over and does all the cooking and shopping required. He cooks every weekend anyway. But I also look after him, massage his legs and feet, a head massage when he gets headaches. I also scrape ice off his car as I have more time than him in the morning. Equality and all that.

My sons will make lovely husbands because they are caring about other people.

I find when I'm ill I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings. DH gets DD ready for school. He tells me to do the bare minimum while he's at work. When he's back home from work he makes dinner for us all and let's me have an early night.
In a relationship it's only fair that our OH look after us as much as we look after them.

God yes!
Leaves me (as I like) but pops in to check on me, offer tea/water/food/meds etc. Plays with DD, tried to keep her occupied and less rowdy with a project or similar.

I'd get the same treatment for flu as I would with a hangover god love him!!! I do the same for him tho

He will if I absolutely spell out to him in no uncertain terms that I am unwell and need looking after. Otherwise he won't notice.... I've come to realise that at least some men (DH included) seem to go on so much about being unwell when they are because they want to be clear that they need help and why they aren't doing more stuff. And as women we're trained not to do that.

Since realising that I've got a little more sympathetic to 'Man Flu' and much more unambiguous about stating how ill I am. 'I'm feeling a bit rubbish' or 'I think I've caught that bug off DD' will not cut it. It has to be 'I am feeling really ill, I need to not be doing things so I am going to have to cancel having your parents over/ need you to pick up kids/need you to make dinner' etc. I think with some men you have to spell it out because they expect you to spell it out as much as they would.

Just to add to the joy of all this.
It is well known that more women die / come into hospices than men.
Because men are not willing to do end of life care

He did when I had tonsilitis but for some reason he's always working away when I've been ill the last few times. Although it was the d&v I had I could have done with him being at home and holding back my hair as I was being sick

When I broke my ankle yes he did, I was non weight bearing. I wouldn't expect him to look after me if I just had the cold or whatever, and I wouldn't expect him to think I'd be looking after him if he did.

Not if we were both perfectly capable of doing things for ourselves.

We would ask how each other was and treat each other with kindness. We don't get annoyed at each other or anything like that.

Oh wow this is a revelation. So many other are like mine. My DH while usually lovely, kind, generous, and thoughtful, has previously been pissy with me when I’m ill. I pulled him up on it once and he’s been better since. I think it was the annoyance of having to look after the kids which is never his remit. Fucking annoyed me that he was like that! And I was a little shocked too. Get well soon OP x

Yes he does. Above and beyond really in practical terms.
I'm quite seriously unwell and he's had 18 weeks off.
Although he is no saint ( not a new thing ) , doesn't communicate about even the most basic things, my house is a shit tip with him in charge and I know he's itching to get back to work and not have such responsibility for me anymore.
I'd like to feel better and send him back to work and get back to normal.
Fed up with the sight of him sprawled out on the sofa watching box sets 😂

It seems like the only time mine steps up is when im ill.
He does no where near enough usually, but when im ill, he shuts the bedroom door on me, keeps ds out of the way and totally takes over.
He pops in and out asking if i want anything and comes up with weird cures.

Yes because he loves and cares for me.

This thread is so sad, that their are so many women with partners who don’t give a shit about them.

It depends how ill I am tbh. I get ill quite a bit so usually he'll just tell me to take it easy and make me cups of tea/order in so I don't have to cook (he can't cook).

After I had surgery, he actually cooked one of my recipes with me instructing him step by step and was great at making sure I had everything I needed and the one time I was really ill and couldn't even get up (I physically couldn't move at all), he got his parents to watch our dd and then came home really early.

Your dh sounds like an utter dick and you need to have serious words with him.

Mine doesn't look after me in the "bless you let me fuss over you" sense because I would hate it.

He does pick up all chores that need doing that are normally shared, checks if I need any food/drink/need some painkillers and leaves me alone.

You need your DP to step up OP.

Yes. I do not do illness with any grace. I am difficult and stubborn. He still perseveres. He's very very kind .

Nope never attracted the type of man who was that caring.
I very rarely get colds or flu because I now live a very peaceful life taking care of myself.

@dinosaurrisotto Asking others what their husbands do when they are ill, is the wrong focus in my opinion. The issue here is that you feel that your husband isn’t taking care of you when you’re ill. I’m curious as to how you’d treat him when he’s ill. I’m guessing it’s much more than what he’s doing now? You can maybe raise that with him and you expect to be treated the same way you’d treat him when he’s unwell.

If he doesn’t get annoyed at you for being ill or doesn’t make it feel like you need to be grateful for taking care of the kids, and is generally an equal partner in the marriage, then it might just be that you need to communicate what you need and want. However, if he doesn’t like it when you’re poorly and gets annoyed about it and wants the focus to be on him and only him to be taken care of and every little thing he does, he expects a pat on the back whereas you’re supposed to be super mum all the time without any help and support, then you have a husband problem that goes deeper than miscommunication.

Dh is brilliant when the kids are ill, and can take over managing the household, cooking, all kid’s arrangements without blinking. If I am ill, which to be fair is infrequent, he acts as if it’s a bit akin to a UXB. I generally take myself to bed, and leave him to it. He’s more than capable. If he has to, he’ll provide tea. Or flat coke. At arm’s length. But generally I appear and make lemsip and disappear etc. A couple of week’s ago I got home after a volunteer weekend with a migraine. I’d stopped halfway home and chugged pills, but I knew I needed to get back, get caffeine, get food, and then get in the dark under a duvet. I was barely holding it together. I went straight in and grabbed leftovers and shoved them in the microwave and said ‘tea, tea!’ as I could barely talk. He said ‘are you ok?’ and so I burst into tears.
Probably why he treats me like a UXB when I’m sick. It’s way too messy if anyone is nice to me...

Yes of course, it’s very sad that there are so many unkind DHs around and that some women are almost accepting this as ‘normal behaviour’.

If either of us is unwell the other will assume responsibility for household chores etc and let the other rest in bed or however they want to ‘recuperate’.

When our DS was younger and I just needed a break from ‘being a mum’ I would have a long afternoon nap most weekends, wasn’t actually ill but just needed peace & quiet & DH would totally respect that, make sure I had coffee, chocolates etc & was undisturbed for as long as I needed. Still do that sometimes now even though DS is at Uni & we are empty nesters .

I think type of illness is definitely important. Got a cold? Just get on with day to day life. Same for both of us.

My illnesses are usually migraines but I was quite ill after having DD. I had mastitis but didn’t realise and DH sent me to bed. When he couldn’t wake me up and my temperature was through the roof, he took me to hospital and stayed with me and DD. My DM and DH took it in turns to stay with me in the horrible hospital chair.

I don’t want someone swaddling me and pressing cold flannels to my head. I want my DH to let me lie in bed, bring me the food I am fancying and take care of our DD.

No mine doesn't look after me - he plays illness top trumps too. In fact he once left for a jolly while I was seriously ill. I've never forgiven him tbh and our marriage has never recovered.

He's the same with his mother though. He went to a friend's birthday party (a couple of hours drive away) the day she was admitted to hospital.

Mine looks after me by fetching me medicine/hot drinks etc and asking if there’s anything else I need. He’ll text me when he’s at work to check in ok too. He’s definitely the sort of person that thinks people just need to get a grip and carry on with life when poorly though so his caring-ness only lasts a day or two before he starts to think I’m being a hypochondriac.

XH looked after DC perfectly happily if I was ill but It was when he shouted at me in annoyance because I was ill that I knew he had no empathy and wouldn’t look after me properly in old age, so the marriage was doomed. Took another 8 years to finally end it, but I saw his true colours re me at that point.

Mine was like yours. He is now my ex H for a number of reasons.

I believe he struggles to feel empathy with others and also is following the pattern he claims his mum set when he and his brother were sick (no sympathy, though she did at least give them the minimum required care--he couldn't even be bothered to bring me a cup of tea).

I am pretty tough and don't require mollycoddling but it's just nice to have someone acknowledge that you're feeling shit and show a little sympathy and maybe make you some toast once in a while. I'm hugely grateful I don't have to live with resenting this anymore!