Who pays?

[Mango101]

Grateful for some advice...

I've just starting dating again (M, 50s).

I joined Guardian Soulmates and met a woman for drinks (£34 paid by me, she left for the toilets when the waiter came) - we got on well. We're both keen to meet again - she suggested a restaurant (which happens to be fairly expensive (probably £120 for two), but very nice).

But I'm beginning to have dilemmas about what to do when the bill arrives !

I kind of feel we're both equal adults (although I earn more as a doctor, she's a social worker) and the grown up thing is to split the bill ('man pays' feels old-fashioned and a bit transactional). But I'm worried that any discussion along these lines (either before or after the meal) would feel very unromantic particularly if she has expectations that I'd pay.

What should I do ? - I don't really want to have to pay £150ish every time I go on a couple of dates, and at my age, it may take a lot of dates before I find someone who'll find me attractive !

As it's only a 2nd date, suggest something less expensive. If she has a problem with that, you'll only be £34 down. Good luck.

If she suggested it she should pay at worst you split the bill and she pays next time.

When the bill comes say “shall we split?”

If she gets offended then I would be questioning whether I would like to continue dating that person

Sadly I’ve heard lots of stories from male friends about these women who disappear off to the toilets when the bill appears and it really is the height of rudeness regardless of who earns what. Personally I wouldn’t want to date someone like had no shame in letting me foot the bill without even offering. When I was dating I admit I did think more highly of a man who picked up the first bill, but there’s no way I wouldn’t even offer.

Suggest a cheaper restaurant and offer to pay but hopefully she will offer to half.

I must admit I found this really awkward when I was dating briefly as I couldn’t really keep up with spending money on a meal/evening out every weekend as a single parent.

If she does the toilet thing again, leave the bill on the table until she comes back.

When places are mentioned, - ok so how are we splitting the bill.
If you haven't really agreed to the expensive place, suggest somewhere a lot cheaper. Her reaction will tell you a lot.

If you proceed I advise caution.

Ok well on MN the accepted rule seems to always go 50/50 and to do otherwise is tantamount to membership of the Stepford Wives club. I don’t find it very appealing personally in an ongoing relationship although that’s not to say I think the bloke should pay for everything. I think for online dating you probably shouldn’t do anything too expensive for the second date unless you’re incredibly confident that you’re both on the same page. Did she offer any money for the drinks on the first date? If she did and you declined then it seems reasonable that she will for the second. If not then there’s a good possibility that she won’t for this date either. Maybe she thinks as a Dr you can afford it easily. See what she does - if she doesn’t offer again then you have your answer. Can you live with that? ( as an aside if a man earned a lot more than me but expected me to pay for half all the time I’d find that a bit unappealing but I wouldn’t be so presumptuous to choose the restaurant expecting them to pick up the tab)

I think you should message her to say something along the lines of 'that restaurant looks great, but it's a bit expensive, isn't it? Are you happy to go halves?' and see what she says

Suggesting a posh dinner is a bit rude.

I’d have been tempted with “gosh that’s a fancy place, I can’t let you do that just because next time is your turn, let’s go to x instead and I insist you let me split it”

You mention meeting someone who finds you attractive . This has to cut both ways .
There’s nothing attractive about this woman suggesting an expensive restaurant at the end of a drinks date , not offering to pay for her own round, and then not making it clear that the next restaurant bill will be split .
When I was between husbands I always kept matters like this scrupulously fair - with a little aplomb it can be achieved without any fuss or embarrassment.
I’d say start as you mean to go on .

I’d be tempted to get to know her better before a dinner at the expensive restaurant of her choice .

Sadly there are women (and men) who use dating to get the odd posh dinner / drinks bought for them so watch out!

As the first date was drinks and you paid, the second date should be something like meeting for coffee and she pays - or you see her reaction to going halves.

Definitely not a super expensive meal.

@Majorcollywobble between husbands

With dates I've always worked on the person that asks pays, or in this situation suggests venue.
Means that when dh and I were dating we argued about paying because he was the higher earner and insisted on paying, but I made the plans. Now I'm lucky to get a takeout as we're on meal plans 😂

She's taking the piss. See's you as a meal ticket. Its always Dutch or nothing.

I haven't been on many actual dates but the guy has always paid unless we are in a relationship by then, but I would never suggest anywhere expensive and I would always offer to split! I'd be put off by her suggesting an expensive place given that she didn't offer to pay her way with the drinks. If you like her and think there is potential then you could see how this one goes and how she behaves about the bill, if it's the same scenario then don't ask her out again.

How much out of /10 is she?

As above, be wary she's not using you as a free meal ticket. Her suggesting a fancy restaurant for a second date = yellow flags imo.

She's probably thinking: doctor = £££.

Maybe suggest Nando's :-P

You're a fool to even go on another date with her at all. That's completely rude to wander off to the lav when the bill comes. Now she suggests a swish restaurant? Seriously, don't be such a mug! 'That's a bit beyond my budget. How about X and we both pay for ourselves?'

I’d have been tempted with “gosh that’s a fancy place, I can’t let you do that just because next time is your turn, let’s go to x instead and I insist you let me split it”

Ooh. I like this ^

Go for e instead.

That was supposed to say go for coffee. Im not suggesting you head to a 90’s themed rave.

I wouldn't take her on another date.

I love @Thehop response. Either that or suggest doing something completely different, something of interest, sporty perhaps....

Alternatively don't bother as I think she's very rude suggesting somewhere expensive unless she's offering to pay! Highly unlikely

Another way of looking at this - dating is a way of finding out what the person is like, their values etc

So if you can afford the meal (although you may not want to) then go along with it and see if she offers to pay her share.

If she doesn’t, then you know what kind of person she is and how she views you...run a mile.

Many of the posters here have not been in the dating game for years.

It is pretty common for men to pay on the first date, I think its 'tight' of you to be making this an issue and from her perspective, that is a red flag.

Why don't you lead the second date? Suggest an activity where less money involved? Your playing the martyl here.