Who pays?

[Mango101]

Grateful for some advice...

I've just starting dating again (M, 50s).

I joined Guardian Soulmates and met a woman for drinks (£34 paid by me, she left for the toilets when the waiter came) - we got on well. We're both keen to meet again - she suggested a restaurant (which happens to be fairly expensive (probably £120 for two), but very nice).

But I'm beginning to have dilemmas about what to do when the bill arrives !

I kind of feel we're both equal adults (although I earn more as a doctor, she's a social worker) and the grown up thing is to split the bill ('man pays' feels old-fashioned and a bit transactional). But I'm worried that any discussion along these lines (either before or after the meal) would feel very unromantic particularly if she has expectations that I'd pay.

What should I do ? - I don't really want to have to pay £150ish every time I go on a couple of dates, and at my age, it may take a lot of dates before I find someone who'll find me attractive !

I'd love to see the research behind 90% of men believe they should pay because I just asked DH and he doesn't remember ever being asked...

When I met DH I paid my own bills, my own rent, bought my own food, paid for my own entertainment etc. I wasn't interested in finding a provider I want to find a partner, which I did. He didn't use my body either, I consented to and initiated sex because being sexually compatible is important to me. I enjoy sex. So shoot me.

Women who believe they should be paid for on a date purely because they have a vagina are part of the problem. I want equality.

My new chap insisted on paying on our first date, but acknowledged he knew I'd want to pay half...he just wouldn't accept it when I offered to split. As he paid, I told him it would be my turn the next time we met. On the second date he asked if he could pay again, but I insisted it was my turn.

He does earn way more than me, but it's a two way thing. We take it in turns now, but I know he'd want to pay for the majority..that's just him. I don't want to be dependent on him to be paying all the time.

If she does do a runner to the loo again, then you know what she is like.

Actually, given that when I met now-DH, I earned more than he did and had my own flat (where he was still renting a room in a HMO) if he had insisted he paid I would have felt it entirely inappropriate and unfair to him.

And it would also be demeaning to me as well! I'm amazed that other people don't get that. As @Biancadelrioisback says, I was never a piece of meat to be bought.

There is, I think, an implicit contract that men believe in when they pay - they pay so they get sex. Not happening.

@LolaSmiles
dominant social norms totally don't exist, have never existed and everyone should pretend that they aren't really and have never been a thing for fear of someone being offended? Let's get a time machine back to 1940s/1950s and see whether there were any dominant gender norms then shall we? What about 1900? Nope, no dominant ideas about men and women to see here either. In fact, all the women's rights and feminist movements didn't know what they were talking about because there's never been any different dominant views in times gone by at all.
Oh, sorry, I assumed the op was talking about the present day.
I.E. 2019 as nowhere did the op mention past times.
And you have clearly misread my post which states that "the subject will be viewed differently by different people no matter what their age."

A nice girl would have offered to pay half, after coming back from the loo.
She needs to offer to pay next time, or say can we go Dutch.
If she doesn't you have your answer.

0SometimesIWonder
Yes, but people claiming ageism when other posters have legitimately make general observations about norms from different decades is plain ridiculous.

It's hardly being ageist to acknowledge that the model of the 1950s housewife with man as breadwinner would be common from people who were married in the 1950s. It doesn't mean anyone who was ever alive in the 50s must all have exactly the same view.

The idea that men need to pay for a date to be gentlemanly etc is a throwback from the man as breadwinner norms. You'd expect that attitude in decades gone by. You don't expect women in 2019 to be claiming women expect less from their partners because they don't expect men to bankroll the dates.

Poking my head in just to say that while I'd never expect a man to pay for the first or any other date, I think it's a nice gesture for him to offer to pay for the first one as a courteous recognition of the fact that women run a far higher risk than men of having a date go violently wrong (especially when you are meeting someone who is essentially a stranger for the first time). The guy being willing to pay is a polite way of thanking me by his actions for being willing to place (some of) my trust in him and possibly wear something uncomfortable for an evening

However I realise that I am the ONLY person with this wackadoo opinion on the "Who pays?" question and don't expect anyone else to agree with me and I wouldn't normally bring it up to dates, or bat at eye when he suggests "Shall we split it?"

In this case OP I think you should definitely suggest a cheaper date and also try to get clarity on her expectations, the wording suggested by others should do the trick for you. I think it would be very unfair of her to use you for an expensive meal out after you footed the bill for the previous date (if that's what she intends).