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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestically violent friend WWYD

104 replies

BillytheMountain · 22/11/2019 11:29

I would never ever have thought this, ever.

Found the partner of a dear friend with her face beaten and bruised and discovered that my much loved and highly respected friend is domestically violent. Astounded.

Repulsed. But unsure what to do.

I have offered her help and refuge, as did other friend who was there. We took her to hospital, she agreed to leave but went back to him that night. Offer is open obviously, but she is under a spell.

I don't know, do I hang around to help my friend, hope that he can find a way to live without being violent to partner. Does this happen, do men change.

I can't believe in a million years that this has happened. Any experience similar, wise words. In turmoil, shock and horror.

We are connected socially, friend & I with social community hobby, it's he who is my friend, I don't know his partner. I'd like to help, to be there to help change. Is this possible?

OP posts:
Menora · 22/11/2019 11:33

You cannot help your ‘friend’ try to become a non abusive monster or hold out any hope he will change. Would you like him to change and be a better man before or after he kills his partner?

Personally I couldn’t walk away from the abused woman who maybe doesn’t have any friends to help her. I know who I would help

Cosmos45 · 22/11/2019 11:35

Personally, I don't believe that people ever change. If you found her this badly beaten and bruised I would say that things have already escalated to an alarming level. I am not sure if/what you can do - maybe others would suggest something. Either way I would be encouraging her to get out of this situation and I don't think I could be "friends" with that person ever again. Oh! and I would probably name and shame to all that knew him.. But that's just me.

theendoftheendoftheend · 22/11/2019 11:38

You can report your friend to the police for assaulting his partner, CPS can prosecute without an IP statement.

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2019 11:38

Would it make it worse for her if you confronted him about it?

Sandals19 · 22/11/2019 11:54

He's no longer your friend.

Yes you should probably report him if his partner won't.

Maybe the exposure and change from being "well respected" will encourage him to get help.

Help rarely works with men like this though.

If you haven't been introduced to Lundy Bancroft's excellent book please read it and try to get this poor lady to read it;

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Thanks isn't about anger management, temper, loss of control, incompatibility etc etc - it's about deeply ingrained values and entitlement.

glitterfarts · 22/11/2019 13:02

Report him to the police. She isn't under his spell. She's terrified if him. If she reports him, he'll kill her.

SevenStones · 22/11/2019 13:09

I hope you're reporting this to the police, OP.

12345kbm · 22/11/2019 13:18

I would be careful in how you manage this as he could take this out on her. I wouldn't let him know that you know or say anything to him, as he won't stop on your say so. He may also further isolate her and if you back away, she'll have fewer people around to keep an eye on the situation.

Yes, as pp have said, this has been going on for a while if she's in hospital from injuries and going back to him.

Helping her, would be letting you know that she can confide in you and talk to you. That you won't judge her. She has to come to her own realisation that he won't change. She may be terrified of leaving as he may have threatened her friends, pets, children or have something over her that he's threatened to expose. You don't know the ins and outs.

I wouldn't recommend getting directly involved because it might be dangerous for you and may make it worse for her, as I stated above. It's really a matter for professionals like the police and domestic services.

Her self esteem will be very low and she may believe that she can't cope on her own. She really needs to reach out to domestic violence organisations for help and support. He may be checking her phone and computer use, you don't know but what you can do is text her the number for Women's Aid under the guise of giving her the number for something else. Tell her to put it into her phone under a different name and, one day, she might reach out.

If you witness him abusing her, dial 999.

If you discover her in the same way again, try to take photos of the injuries (with her permission). Try to convince her to speak to hospital staff about the abuse but obviously, don't force her to do anything. Maybe suggest she visit her GP (this is for evidence of the abuse to use later if she wants to press charges. Evidence also helps her claim legal aid and certain benefits).

It often takes a while for survivors to realise they are being abused and a long time to leave, they may leave several times and it's very difficult for them to stay away without appropriate support in place.

You might find this useful: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/#1573031594735-bd902218-a366

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/11/2019 13:24

Please report him

CodenameVillanelle · 22/11/2019 13:27

Report him to the police. You can make a statement of what you observed and what she told you. Blow this up. He doesn't deserve his nice friendship group and everyone covering for him.

RantyAnty · 22/11/2019 13:29

He's not your friend anymore. He's a violent abuser.

Have you had a chance to talk to the girl at all?
Do her friends and family know? Are there children there?

I would try to talk to her alone and find out what she thinks about this and why she is still with him.

And yeah, I would have called the police on him. Abusers thrive in secrecy.

bgegmum · 22/11/2019 13:49

You can contact woman's aid and explain the situation they may be able to advice you better than us on the situation. They can also attempt to contact "friends" partner in a safe way so he doesn't know and get her the help she needs. They help even if she doesn't leave and also gives her the back up if she does want to press charges.
I think this is definitely something non of us (unless being in that specific situation ourselves) can help with and to leave it to the professionals

bgegmum · 22/11/2019 13:51

I would say as well don't contact the police as if nothing comes of it due to lack of evidence etc you put her and yourself in a great amount of danger. Do it the proper way to avoid as much hurt and danger as possible

Original poster
BillytheMountain · 22/11/2019 13:55

Thanks for responses everyone

No, they have no kids, not young and she's from another country, talks about her friends and so assume network. At hospital, she refused to deal with police and begged for us not too.
Have offered help to escape, and have given money, listened, support, supplied WA info, numbers and she has contact numbers for myself and my friend who helped when we found her.

OP posts:
Original poster
BillytheMountain · 22/11/2019 14:06

Thanks bgegmum I'll get in touch with WA myself
& 12345kpm for your post too

I've not seen him since incident I can't bring myself to meet up socially, everything has changed.

Exchanged texts at time of incident, he knows I know about it and how I feel about it, and have completely withdrawn from him. He seem to try and minimise the situation, and I know from partner it was not the first time.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 22/11/2019 14:11

"I'd like to help, to be there to help change."

WTF?!

I think you should report him to the police. Your statement will be evidence in case she ever needs it in future.

saraclara · 22/11/2019 14:12

What were the circumstances of you finding her, OP? This sounds devastating.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/11/2019 14:19

The poor, poor woman. She's clearly scared of him and he'll just do it again.

nibdedibble · 22/11/2019 14:30

It absolutely goes without saying that his partner is number one priority but I hope you and the other friend who found her are ok too. I'm impressed that his partner was so well supported and that you've already given her the numbers and contacts she needs.

I absolutely second the advice to call an organisation like Women's Aid and take their professional advice on what to do from here. We're just a bunch of random people and this is way out of the experience of most of us.

One thing that strikes me is that he knows you know. He must be on edge, wondering where you will take this. If you do nothing, would that embolden him in a way, as if he's got away with it becoming public?

(Asking the question to the ether, really.)

lazylinguist · 22/11/2019 14:38

Imo the only acceptable thing to do is immediately end your friendship and never speak to him again. He needs to learn that nobody wants to know an abuser. If that then prompts him to seek professional help to become a better person then great, but that is his job, not yours. In any case what form would your support take? There's nothing you can do to change him, if indeed it is possible for him to change at all anyway.

Patroclus · 22/11/2019 14:51

Seen this hapen over and over with 'well respected' men. Be prepared for others to weirdly not believe you or take his side no matter what.

LexMitior · 22/11/2019 14:57

Punching people is not an accident. It is a deliberate action. I would report him to the police. He doesn’t need therapy. He’s a criminal.

HollowTalk · 22/11/2019 15:03

If he knows you haven't reported this, he will think he can get away with anything. And next time he could kill her.

The fact is you only know the side of him that he presents to the outside world. If he's hurt her so badly she needed to go to the hospital, then there is a much, much darker side to him.

I'd call in at a police station and ask to speak to someone from their domestic violence unit.

Angelrocket · 22/11/2019 15:04

I would report him to the police.

I'd help her pack her bags before he kills her the next time. And there will be a next time.

Seeing as he knows you know, if you do nothing, he'll believe he's got away with it, and carry on.

His poor partner, I'm glad she felt able to approach you and your other friend, and I hope you are both able to continue supporting her.

CousinKrispy · 22/11/2019 15:17

I am so sorry OP. It is very rare that these men can change, or choose to change. It is not at all rare that they appear to be upstanding members of the community or good friends, so don't be surprised you were taken in by him previously.

I hope you will feel able to keep in touch with his wife and offer her help and support, though be careful about not putting yourself at risk. Also I'd suggest you be self-aware about any desire you may have to see your (former) friend in a forgiving light that might lead you to encourage her to try to "work things out"--such advice can be disastrous to DV victims.

not saying you'd necessarily do that, but I realize it's easy to get sucked in by abusers who appear to be contrite. Your friend's wife may be best off with professional help from Women's Aid.