Domestically violent friend WWYD

[BillytheMountain]

I would never ever have thought this, ever.

Found the partner of a dear friend with her face beaten and bruised and discovered that my much loved and highly respected friend is domestically violent. Astounded.

Repulsed. But unsure what to do.

I have offered her help and refuge, as did other friend who was there. We took her to hospital, she agreed to leave but went back to him that night. Offer is open obviously, but she is under a spell.

I don't know, do I hang around to help my friend, hope that he can find a way to live without being violent to partner. Does this happen, do men change.

I can't believe in a million years that this has happened. Any experience similar, wise words. In turmoil, shock and horror.

We are connected socially, friend & I with social community hobby, it's he who is my friend, I don't know his partner. I'd like to help, to be there to help change. Is this possible?

@BillytheMountain

The charity for male perpetrators of domestic violence is Respect

respectphoneline.org.uk/

IF your friend wishes to change, he can contact them for help and support in change. He has to contact them himself and want to change.

Note that the vast majority of organisations that work with perpetrators of (male ) violence do not accept self referrals as they are court ordered programmes for offenders . Really not the same thing at all as someone taking that step of their own volition to change.

Respect is a charity and specifically for those self-referring

@mistyy read the hell up on domestic violence before you give advice

It isn’t an anger management issue.
Have you not ever noticed that these men don’t seem to have difficulty controlling their anger when they are at work or in the shops? That the only time they ‘lose their temper’ is towards their partner?

FFS that is classic minimising. Oh he has anger problems (read: it’s not really his fault)

Really unhelpful in the efforts to show these men for what they are.
Society needs to stop reducing their crimes to just a lack of self control

The fact that the rest of OPs social group is training a blind eye shows how accepted DV still is. If he was regularly beating a friend or a shop worker etc black and blue I doubt very much that everyone would just be looking the other way.

And what’s with all this bullshit suggesting organisations to help HIM?

Nowhere in the OP does she suggest he is accepting his crime and being honest with himself about the damage he is causing.

He is moving on normally in full sight because he is still being accepted as a member of his social life and community.

OP ignore him. Focus your efforts on the woman and being present for her and showing her that she has options and deserves a life away from this violent man.

I personally consider the friends we keep to often be a good barometer of character.

To maintain a friendship with someone you know is doing something hugely immoral, unethical or illegal requires two things : you are either doing it yourself also (hence you don’t care) or you are turning a blind eye to it (hence you don’t care enough).

Your friend didn’t give her a small poke on the arm for the first time in his life. If he had then yes, I would say give him a chance if he’s sorry. He beat her so badly that she was left in an awful state, and then he tried to make out it wasn’t so bad.

He won’t change, and even if he did, he doesn’t deserve anyone’s allowances or concessions to do so.

He is not the person you thought he was, and your entire friendship was built on a false premise. He needs to be cut loose and for his actions to actually have ramifications.

You should ask your group to expel him from the group, otherwise they are tacitly agreeing that this is OK.
If they don't expel him, I would leave the group. I couldn't bd friends with people who stand by and do nothing while others suffer.

it makes me so angry how people minimise and excuse violence by men against women. There's NO excuse. There's no reason or justification. Anger, or a mental illness or stress or being provoked. It's all bullshit. Lots of people have those things and don't punch a woman.

Anything other than never speaking to this man again and reporting him to the police is tacitly saying it's ok. It's NOT ok.

@isitxmasyet

Honestly you guys are not reading what I wrote, also anger managment was just one example I gave why not read the entire post. As a new mom I have enough stress in my life I don't need this group to add to it. I have never seen such rude people before I'm just surprised that this fo.platform has been corrupted by argumentative people who just want to be disrespectful and simply just mean. I'm so over this

Does she have visa concerns?

Go and report this assault to the police and give her this information - he can't just have her deported, but she may not know this:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/application-to-settle-in-uk-form-setdv

To be clear - the above is information around visas for victims of domestic violence - intended for precisely the terrifying situation your "friend's" partner is in.

I am really horrified that the hobby group is not talking about this, and that you are not talking to each and every one of them about what happened, what the experience of taking her to hospital was like. And she was found in a room on the premises? What the HELL is going on with all of you that this is not a topic of conversation among you? I'm incensed that you can all be so disrespectful to this woman.

I'd not know what to do in terms of challenging HIM in order to keep her safe - get advice from an outside source, most likely, which you don't seem to have bothered doing (I hope I am wrong).

But there is no way in hell you should all be pretending this didn't happen. It's disgusting and frightening to see how complicit you all are. Get a bloody grip.

You want to help him change , he has given no indication he wants to .

He doesn’t particularly like women so be very careful yourself.

As someone who was a victim of dv the best thing anyone did for me was told me they were holding a number for me and I could call whenever I wanted I did about 8 months after that conversation.

I am really horrified that the hobby group is not talking about this, and that you are not talking to each and every one of them about what happened, what the experience of taking her to hospital was like. And she was found in a room on the premises? What the HELL is going on with all of you that this is not a topic of conversation among you? I'm incensed that you can all be so disrespectful to this woman.

It is unfortunately quite a common way for “friends” to deal with DV, in the shameful excuse of “avoiding further embarrassment the victim” they turn a blind eye and pretend to know nothing about the abuse.

One of my friends was beaten by her husband and disappeared for a few weeks, the only “friend” who knew about it just kept it quiet as she didn’t want to get involved. I was fuming when I learned about it, our friend who was beaten up was pregnant and had been staying in not a very nice place for two weeks by the time I found her still covered in bruises. I could never speak to the spineless “friend” who decided to keep it to herself... she obviously chose to side with the perpetrator as that way she could pretend nothing of this was happening.

This is helpful, thanks for constructive responses

He is not the person you thought he was, and your entire friendship was built on a false premise. He needs to be cut loose and for his actions to actually have ramifications.
@DoctorManhattan

@isitxmasyet
What happens to all these men, shunned or not? I was trying to explore if there was help out there. This woman could be lucky and get out, doesn't mean there won't be more. The root of the problem has to be addressed.

I will keep efforts focussed on helping her, of course. Thinking of their day to day life together what it is for her is grim.
You're right too, the reaction of other people has been an eye opener here.

@DoctorManhattan I meant to say this is it in essence really

Really, who cares what happens to them? Either they hit rock bottom and seek help to change or they continue to abuse - the same woman or a new victim.

And as Lundy Bancroft says - why do they do it? Because it works for them: I recently sat in a meeting with my abusive ex regarding our dc's education. Do you know what he did? He bullied, belittled and disparaged the member of school staff for over two hours. That's what works for him - the consequences are simply not there - that's what the police and courts and nearly every other organisation i turned to taught us both.

You should ask your group to expel him from the group, otherwise they are tacitly agreeing that this is OK.
If they don't expel him, I would leave the group. I couldn't bd friends with people who stand by and do nothing while others suffer.

Finally someone with decent advice. No hand-wringing about how this always happens - do something different! When you say you're shocked how everyone has moved on as normal, does that mean you have tried repeatedly to bring up the matter and been knocked back at every turn? Because if not, you're also carrying on as normal, aren't you?

I think the only thing you can say to the abuser is "have you left her yet?" He's extremely unlikely to try to change, but if he were to, this would have to be the first move.

Be nice to think the hobby group made it a condition of his continuing in the group. Cloud cuckoo land, I suppose.

Honestly you guys are not reading what I wrote, also anger managment was just one example I gave why not read the entire post. As a new mom I have enough stress in my life I don't need this group to add to it. I have never seen such rude people before I'm just surprised that this fo.platform has been corrupted by argumentative people who just want to be disrespectful and simply just mean. I'm so over this

It is so all about you, eh?

I worked with a woman many years ago that had been in a DV relationship and she said the worst time for her was when he hit her in front of their friends and not one of them said anything. She felt then that she deserved it.

I would be very vocal in calling out poor behaviour, I already am and I would never stand by while a man abuses anyone.

@haffiana

Really, lmao I hope your getting whatever it is that you needed from saying that

I worked with a woman many years ago that had been in a DV relationship and she said the worst time for her was when he hit her in front of their friends and not one of them said anything. She felt then that she deserved it.

Sadly, I have met a number of people who hearing an allegation of abuse instantly said something like," Oh, not Dave, he's a nice guy" and looked astounded when I pointed out that there's at least two sides to every story and you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. At the very least, we should hear the allegations out not shut them down.

Am I alone in this!? Seriously why are people so rude!? People have come here for a network right? To ask questions get answers advice and different perspectives, right?

Then why are so many people so rude,disrespectful,belittling, and argumentative?

I'm so irritated at how a conversation turns into a catty high school debate.

Seriously, your so mad at my opinion that you need to cuss me out and call me stupid? Then I say this is ridiculous and I don't need this and another comes back with "so it's all about you"

Lmao you know what yes this is about me, you guys have made it about me and me saying "as a new mom I don't need this" on a chat doesn't negate the chat group topic or the concerns of the mum who posted , it is simply a reply to those who felt the need to attack me.

I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this?

Sorry created a new post , didn't mean to post that here was copy and pasting,

I imagine in addition to being ground down, ashamed she is terrified. I think anyone confronting him, will only mean he will be vindictive towards her ... leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time and directly afterwards and so needs to be handled carefully.

There are apps that can be put on phones or maybe having a bag packed for a quick exit with paperwork, passport, overnight clothes etc.

When Georgia Smiled is a useful website but there are others as mentioned in previous messages. I wondered if you could maybe meet with her say monthly for a cup of tea and a chat just so she knows she has a friend.

@mistyy Lundy Bancroft says that people aren't abusive because they're angry. They're angry because they're abusive.

Anger, alcohol, mental illness, stress, are all excuses for domestic violence. A man hits a woman because he's a violent abusive monster. No other reason. Because he wants control. Because he sees her as a possession.

2 women a week die at the hands of their partners or exes.

OP, the only right thing to do is to completely ostrasice this man and to report him to the police.