Domestically violent friend WWYD

[BillytheMountain]

I would never ever have thought this, ever.

Found the partner of a dear friend with her face beaten and bruised and discovered that my much loved and highly respected friend is domestically violent. Astounded.

Repulsed. But unsure what to do.

I have offered her help and refuge, as did other friend who was there. We took her to hospital, she agreed to leave but went back to him that night. Offer is open obviously, but she is under a spell.

I don't know, do I hang around to help my friend, hope that he can find a way to live without being violent to partner. Does this happen, do men change.

I can't believe in a million years that this has happened. Any experience similar, wise words. In turmoil, shock and horror.

We are connected socially, friend & I with social community hobby, it's he who is my friend, I don't know his partner. I'd like to help, to be there to help change. Is this possible?

Sorry, fail in the bold - I've asterisked it.

He's lied to me and he tried to minimise it too

He thinks it's ok. He won't stop.

Do you know what a Russian batterer said to Stacey Dooley in one if her sightly cheesy documentaries when asked how he felt when he battered women?

Righteous - self righteous.

He's lied to me and he tried to minimise it too. I can give another chance but it has to have a chance to work.

^What the hell is wrong with you????? Give him another chance? Have you lost your mind

@BillytheMountain

@theendoftheendoftheend

"You can report your friend to the police for assaulting his partner, CPS can prosecute without an IP statement"

True but only up to a point. You did not - I think - witness the assault and so that degrades the evidence. Do you even have photos? Medical records might help if the police can be bothered but again will depend on what is actually recorded.

Please do not think I am downplaying this awful situation but the police will work only upon evidence.

OP, if you give your friendship another go you are saying implicitly that you are okay with this level of violence, it that true?

If your friend had done that to your face would you be giving the friendship another go?

Give him another chance? Why? he'll never change.

He's not your friend OP. Anyone who attacks a woman like that is a monster. You should be loathing him, not talking about giving him another chance.

Don't underestimate the affect on his partner of this.

Please go to the Police. My boss did when I didn't want to prosecute. The Police got in touch to say she had reported, and to advise me to take photographs. All of this was used as a further charge against him when I did decide to prosecute.

He will not change, and if you remain friends with him, you are condoning his violence. Imagine the lack of empathy a person would have to feel to hit someone they supposedly love, even once, let alone over and over again. Imagine the lack of conscience needed to minimise that. THAT is the sort of person you are dealing with.

He won't change, because he doesn't want to.

All you can do is help her to get out of there by being supportive and siding with her. that's what the abusive ex's best friend did, and I am very grateful. There are no 'Switzerland friends' where abuse is involved, because if you remain friendly with him, you are not her friend.

Exactly Christmasfluff. The police and cps (and the family courts if they have kids) put a lot more weight on third party reports than simply the woman's word on what happened. Sadly. It's almost like an unofficial Sharia system where the woman's word is only half that of a man's.

Give him another chance?

Another chance to kill his girlfriend, you mean?

Also, as another PP said, he doesn't need support. He manages to control his behaviour around everyone else. You said yourself that you were astounded and shocked. He acts all lovely to you, but a monster to his partner. What support could he possibly need when he is victimising only one person? Clearly he can control his behaviour, and manipulate the rest of you, too.

Oh come on there are two sorts of people when it comes to DV.

A) I will help the victim
B) I will brush it under the carpet

People go between a and b all the time. DV is incredibly common - partly because it is hidden and partly because other people will hide from it.

When we all say that the police or the courts should do more, this is something of a cop out often - people aren’t very good at dealing with idea that people can be good and bad at the same time.

Beating anyone is about enjoying the power you have over them. Lots of people decide that is something they like. If you don’t ostracise them socially because of their violence, then they feel entitled to do more.

Domestic abusers don’t like scrutiny so in the end they tend to isolate their partners and for themselves be Mr Gregarious and Charming. People get stuck on that image and tend not to engage clearly that this person is actually a violent criminal.

I hear you.

I just don't get how others in our group circle are carrying on as before.

You might not all get it, but for me it has been the collapse of a good friendship and dramatically. Why would you not try to explore if it was possible to help and work towards change. That's why I was asking, do men like this change.

I am not okay with this violence, no, never @dreichwinter It was awful to see, hard to forget her face.

@Ferretyone we didn't take any pictures at the time, and no, I didn't see it happen, so not much for them to go on

The points made here in response ring true, he is only victimising one person @Huggybear16 you're right

Appreciate sharing experiences and candor, sorry you went through this.

Offer to help his GF is open of course, but I think she has other friends she prefers for support (I don't know her so well) I'll get the help info to her

This is really makes sense, @LexMitior
Beating anyone is about enjoying the power you have over them. Lots of people decide that is something they like. If you don’t ostracise them socially because of their violence, then they feel entitled to do more.

thanks all

They don't change. In very very rare exceptional cases maybe they can, but they are so rare it's not worth mentioning or risking really.

He doesn't have a greater chance of changing simply because he seems like a great guy apart from that. As others have said it is often those men who are the worst abusers.

Have a read of this, it's a story from 2 of those very rare men who did change. What's worth noting from it is that the first guy could easily have killed his wife before he 'gave himself to Christ' and stopped, he could have killed her way before he got to that point, he also said that although it stopped now he can't really ever consider himself to be cured.

The second guy who used to beat women said being in a relationship like that is like a drug addiction, with the woman being like cocaine and the only way to beat it is to separate and never go back.

edition.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/wayoflife/04/02/o.why.men.abuse.women/index.html

that's really interesting article @user1481840227
on the surface is such a kind man, the real story is quite opposite

It is shocking OP.
Being frozen and wanting to just ignore it is pretty normal.
But domestic abuse doesn't happen in a vacuum, it's about power and control. Ground work is put in before the physical violence starts and that isn't just with the victim of the physical assaults.
To create a world while they aren't the bad guy they needs lots of other people to support this fantasy and they put a lot of energy into building social connections, strong enough connections to survive people actually seeing the impact of his assaults.
Your friend is skilled at this, he has put a lot of time and energy into building these supportive relationships to make him feel okay while he carries out the assaults. Because if his friends think he is basically ok then he really his.

It is interesting, but also so unbelievably scary to get a glimpse of it from the abusers perspective...and they are the guys who did change and have now reflected and hopefully grown from it! Your friend and most of these guys don't ever do that.

I didn't post the article so that you would think there is hope for this man, and I really hope that that is not what you took from it. You can't help him, and no you don't 'give him another chance'. You need to realise that what you saw is probably only a tiny amount of the abuse he has inflicted on the poor woman, you don't actually know him at all.

No, perpetrators rarely change. Those that do are the 'lower level' abusers who have insight and remorse. Blokes who happily punch their partners in the face then mi minimise it aren't the kind of perpetrator who will change.

That's why I was asking, do men like this change.

Rarely.

Doubtful he will. Consider him a computer with an irreparably damaged chip. Forget about being friends with him. Who you thought you were friends with is not who he really is. His gf (foreign so possibly more isolated?) knows who he is - she just can't get out and probably accepts all the excuses, blame, gas lighting he does.

Wise up. Your friend is an abuser. If he wanted to change, he would have done so. Could still do so - the “support” of friends is not necessary or likely to make a difference.

You may well not know the half of what he’s done to women.

Dick move to maintain any kind of relationship with him.

Yes it’s sad for you to lose a friend, and presumably you have a partner or other trusted friend(s) to support you in handling that. The impact on you is not the main issue here. Your friend’s “struggles”, if he has them, are not the main issue here.

There was another thread like this recently, where the friendship group ignored violence.

it's horrendous I think.

I was attacked by my ex on a couple of occasions (lots of emotional abuse too) and he's simply told people I'm lying. I think people know (really) what he's like but it's easier to believe that I'm deranged or he's changed or whatever. He'll kill his partner one day I think.

I think you can't ignore it. And yes, when I remember the fear I felt with that man above me. The absolute helplessness and his power over me. And the repurcusions afterwards (the effects lasts much longer than the bruises), I wonder how you can call him your friend.

You can't help this "man". He's chosen to be abusive to his partner (hopefully ex partner now) and if/when he chooses to stop being abusive is when it'll happen. Did you say that they each have children? I'd be contacting social care even if they don't live with him, in the event that they might visit or be around him periodically, they're at risk. Keep being there for the woman, not the perp.

You can’t help him, you can report him and potentially he can help himself. Hopefully while he’s far away from his partner so she’s safe.

Please don’t avoid this, please report it. Tell everyone you know. Don’t keep his secrets.

This thread is very disturbing to me and makes me feel sad with how far we've not come with DV.

People give lip service to DV, do marches and post memes but then the reality comes and smack you in the face that; people excuse DV, it wasn't them so it doesn't matter, your "friendship" with this guy is more important than this woman's life who you witnessed the aftermath of her being savagely beaten.

But all of you just want to forget about it like it never happened and keep the friendship with Mr. Cool guy. Obviously you all are getting something important from being his friend.

People will overlook violent abusers if they are charismatic, clever, fun, handsome, wealthy, popular guys. They know this too.

They know they are ever so more important than an abused foreign woman.

If you are in contact with him and get the DA charity information that could help him change I'd give him it and strongly suggest he seek help. At the end of the day, even if she manages to break free of him he will still be walking the earth and without intervention of some kind will repeat this behaviour in another relationship. So no harm in trying.

And contact the police. Most murders in this country are domestic murders. It's what domestic abuse escalates to. No domestic abuse is ever ok. Irrespective of how well respected someone is somewhere, it is unacceptable to treat someone that way in any circumstances but least of all in their own home, the place you should feel safest and most supported. I really hope you follow through on reporting it.

Think of it like this... if you saw a well respected person get behind the wheel of a car drunk to drive a ten mile journey would you report them? I assume yes because you wouldn't want them to kill someone and would never forgive yourself if you didn't and something happened.

There's every possibility this poor woman has had to endure even more harm at his hands already for letting you in and sharing her heavy burden with you. You knowing will not make him stop if he is not made to face any consequences. He's just got away with it again and actually he will justify that it's even more acceptable because other people know yet he has not been brought to task.

Good luck, yours is a difficult position but you have an opportunity to change that poor woman's life for the better.