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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestically violent friend WWYD

104 replies

BillytheMountain · 22/11/2019 11:29

I would never ever have thought this, ever.

Found the partner of a dear friend with her face beaten and bruised and discovered that my much loved and highly respected friend is domestically violent. Astounded.

Repulsed. But unsure what to do.

I have offered her help and refuge, as did other friend who was there. We took her to hospital, she agreed to leave but went back to him that night. Offer is open obviously, but she is under a spell.

I don't know, do I hang around to help my friend, hope that he can find a way to live without being violent to partner. Does this happen, do men change.

I can't believe in a million years that this has happened. Any experience similar, wise words. In turmoil, shock and horror.

We are connected socially, friend & I with social community hobby, it's he who is my friend, I don't know his partner. I'd like to help, to be there to help change. Is this possible?

OP posts:
Original poster
BillytheMountain · 22/11/2019 15:19

I will go to the police and speak to them.

@saraclara We found her inside the building we rent for hobby, just inside the first small room, her face and lips swollen, face bruised, massive lump, horrific.
First thought was to get her out, she didn't want to come with us but we got her out of there and to hospital.

Friend who helped with her, has gone back to our hobby group says that others there seem to know what is going on, but everyone carries on as normal.

OP posts:
Littletabbyocelot · 22/11/2019 15:20

My grandad was - by all accounts - an incredible friend. He was well respected in the community (think mbe type of thing). He frequently hospitalised my granny, gave my aunt brain damage and my mum (his fil) never let me meet him.

Some behaviour, towards the people who love you and are most vulnerable, are incompatible with being a decent human being. I'm sorry you've lost your friend in such a traumatic way but surely however much you have in common. You realise every moment he is an abuser because he chooses not to stop, he chooses not to seek help and he chooses to let her live this way.

mistyy · 22/11/2019 15:40

That's sad, I find that people try to cover it up and hide things like this, btw how long have you known him!? If for long enough time that you are great family Freind with his family I would bring them in.

don't let him know that you know and just ask "how have you been" see if he is honest . If he's honest and knows why he did what he did (e.g anger ,fear,frustration,to gain control)) let him know you are willing to help him get treatment for anger Managment or what ever to get to the root of his problem and that if he is not willing to then you can no longer stay friends in good faith.

If he accepts then help him research treatment facilities Or counseling etc. And help the girlfriend do the same so she can get help to build back up.(no couples counseling!) it's not a couples problem it's esteem and anger management problem.

If he doesn't accept to seek help tend you know his family well and they are decent people, take the gf to the family explain the situation and have an intervention tell him he needs to figure out what he wants to do and if he will seek treatment

If he declines let him know that you can't sit back and watch her get hurt and if he doesn't then the next call will be to police instead of family .....

a lot of people will say cut off the Freind and he may be despicable person right now but just cutting him off won't help anyone I always worry that not trying to get somebody help for their mental health issues (which this is because it's a response to stress or anger or frustration etc, which is lack of coping skills and low emotional intelligence so something isn't right) that's how we get those people who do horrible things.

First and foremost stay safe if it's not safe to talk to him or confront him don't do it , you safety is priority and if ii can't talk to his family or convince the gill to call police then I'd say back away and maybe if your really worries call police and ask them to do a wellness check

Footballmumto3 · 22/11/2019 15:43

He’s not your friend.
He’s a perpetrator of domestic violence.
If you choose to be his friend , you tell the world that you believe what he did was ok.
Report him to the police

Aridane · 22/11/2019 15:50

@BillytheMountain

There is a very brave and good charity that works with male perpetrators of domestic violence in an effort to reform them.

I will see if I can dig out their details. And if your friend wishes to break his current behaviour patterns and wants to change, I recommend their services

Footballmumto3 · 22/11/2019 15:51

Look at the dreadful domestic violence story making headline news today. Another mother lost. It was not the first time this man had behaved in a violent and dangerous manner.
We have to take domestic violence with the utmost seriousness .

Aridane · 22/11/2019 15:51

< awaits flaming for trying to help the perpetrator >

Footballmumto3 · 22/11/2019 15:53

He’ll be directed to a perpetrators group after he’s been prosecuted.

Footballmumto3 · 22/11/2019 15:53

There you go @aridane

IdiotInDisguise · 22/11/2019 15:55

As if the police would do anything about it, if your female friend doesn’t want to take things further, they will just not follow up.

Be there for your friend, but be careful not to say any judgemental against her husband/call the police, because otherwise she will shut the door on you and won’t find it easy to contact you again if things get worse. She needs you there, but on her terms, unfortunately, however unreasonable the situation is.

Problem with domestic abuse is that the victim gets very slowly conditioned to believe the abuse is their fault and that they do not deserve anything better, and it is not easy to escape from that belief.

ohfuckimskint · 22/11/2019 15:55

OMG what a terribly sad situation. Please call police and report this pig. Try and convince her to leave and help as much as u can

Footballmumto3 · 22/11/2019 15:56

@mistyy educate your fucking self
Perpetrators of domestic violence don’t need ‘anger management’.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 22/11/2019 15:58

Be a friend to her. Not to him, the fucking arsehole.

I ditched a former friend for this reason. Still friends with his wife, who turned up on my doorstep in tears one night. It took a while but she left him and her life is so much better.

Original poster
BillytheMountain · 22/11/2019 16:01

@Ariadne, thanks that would be helpful

@mistyy I don't know his family, but have known him a long time. His GF has kids and so does he, but they don't live with them. Have met his kids briefly. It's not a family friend, we were friends socially.

He's lied to me and he tried to minimise it too. I can give another chance but it has to have a chance to work. I don't like just walking away and his GF she needs my help too.

@Footballmumto3
I know it's everyday a horrific story of male on female violence almost becoming a normality.

OP posts:
RuffleCrow · 22/11/2019 16:08

I would stop calling him a friend for starters.

His (hopefully ex) partner is the person who will need all the friends she can get right now and it's highly unlikely you'd be able to be there for both of them.

Too often it's the violent men who have friends and family rally round and the victim ends up alone, disbelieved, or relying on professional support if she's lucky.

If he wants to change he will change, there's nothing you can do or say that will magically make him want to.

keiratwiceknightly · 22/11/2019 16:12

Just to interject, if this hobby has anything to do with martial arts, the group leader ought to expel the perpetrator even if no charges are brought. Happened in my husband's group and the main guy took the exact rift action.

TheFaerieQueene · 22/11/2019 16:18

Yes give him another chance because he really deserves that. Violent abusers are so misunderstood.

saraclara · 22/11/2019 16:25

OP, I have given friends chances in the past. But this...this is a whole other situation. He didn't 'just' hit her. He beat her up to the point that she needed to go to hospital. And left her there.

There is absolutely no way that he is deserving of a second chance from you. I don't know why you're even considering it.

mistyy · 22/11/2019 16:29

@footballmumto3 You need to re-read what I wrote I listed a few things of what it could be and said he needs treatment, what that treatment entails I wouldn't know. Could be he just wants control because he has non in life or what it's bad behaviour he's learned maybe at home as a child and needs to unpack that. I know it is hard to get past his actions but all actions have a root cause and finding out what lead him to do that and fixing the issue is his only chance.

So what was the reason for you to be so rude?? Honestly it's people that reply so harshly as you have that ruin this. No problem to disagree and to flat out think I'm wrong, but your entire vibe was unnecessary and out of context, I didn't even say he only needs anger management, I said he has mental health issues that need to be treated because healthy people don't beat their partners

SweetAsSpice · 22/11/2019 16:30

He's lied to me and he tried to minimise it too. I can give another chance but it has to have a chance to work.

Seriously now, what else does he need to do for you to not give him any more chances? He’s -

Beaten her literally black and blue (you took her to the HOSPITAL it was so bad)
Knows you know
Lied
Minimised

And now has her back. I do mean it seriously, are none of the above ‘deal breakers’ for you? What are you hoping for exactly...?

Beau2019 · 22/11/2019 16:36

Sadly, I don't believe men change. Nor can you help your friend without her willing to accept it.

I was in an abusive relationship. He had done it before, been arrested etc etc for it. Was arrested and sentenced for doing it to me. Went back out 2 years later and I hear he is STILL the same. Despite doing 6 months (not long enough if you ask me).

However I ALSO went back to him - why I have no idea!! Nothing anyone said could stop me. In all honesty, the only thing that really totally killed the relationship for me was my parents finding out I went back and my dad trying to break in my car to god knows what... the guilt and shame of knowing what I was doing wrong was the only thing that stopped me.

I hope this comes to a happy ending. I think you should report it to the police, regardless of it being none of your business, you do not know what this man is capable of and god forbid it went any further...

lookatthebabypenguin · 22/11/2019 16:42

He chooses to be violent. He likes the power it gives him. That's why he does it.

lookatthebabypenguin · 22/11/2019 16:43

He probably rapes her too, by the way.

Sandals19 · 22/11/2019 16:56

If he's honest and knows why he did what he did (e.g anger ,fear,frustration,to gain control) let him know you are willing to help him get treatment for anger Managment or what ever to get to the root of his problem

It's not anger management; does he beat up his colleagues, friends, acquaintances, bouncers, policemen, family members? Would he beat his partner up.in public? Rather unlikely if he's well respected in the community.

He knows exactly who to beat up and when.

I've bolded the only real possibility out of the suggestions.

He gets control, he gets privileges .. and he enjoys it. It gives him a thrill, satisfaction, gratification.

CodenameVillanelle · 22/11/2019 16:56

Give him another chance? That's despicable, honestly