“Not attractive anymore”

[PaperWhiteDaisy]

That’s what my husband told me last night. He focuses every day on what I eat, raises an eyebrow if I eat bread or potato or rice. Last night I snapped and said it doesn’t matter what I look like and why is he always focussed on what I eat.

He told me last night that I’m not attractive any more. Today I can still feel an ache in my tummy, like I’ve been kicked. I don’t mean to make light of actually real DV, as he’s never touched me, but I can feel an actual pain from just those words.

I am still processing that really. I’m so busy all day, my mind hasn’t had chance to think about it much. I feel sick.

We’ve got young DC, the little one is 18 months old. I work full time and my husband leaves the house at 6am and gets home at 9/10/11pm. I do all of the planning and getting kids to sleep and cooking and laundry. I do all of the night shifts with my babies. I don’t know what to do.

We both have senior jobs, him more than me, as I took a step back after DC1 was born. I’m good at my job and my colleagues respect me as a subject matter expert. I try to look nice and I used to be very attractive. I think my face is still quite nice, but now I’m a size 14 and not a size 10. I have been making some big presentations this week and today I wanted to hide. I feel hideous. The person who is supposed to be my closest person thinks I look awful, so that must be true. I feel sick, I haven’t eaten today. No one at work would believe I have been close to tears all day. I seem confident and like I have all the answers. I want to hide.

There’s so much to think about every day and I’m rushing from home to the train to the office to my meetings back to the train, into the house, getting the kids to sleep, cooking dinner, doing washing, remembering to buy kid clothes and book flu jabs and make a cake for a sale and buying a birthday present for DC friend and sending MIL a card and...I just remembered I haven’t booked the car service.

I don’t have time for friends really and actually I’d be so embarrassed to tell them about this. I don’t have family, except my own DC. And if I left my husband, we’d be ok for money, but I’d be so lonely if he had the kids for weekends or nights.

Maybe I’m overreacting. We haven’t had sex for over 2 years, as he doesn’t want to, because of how I look. We didn’t actually have much before that. He doesn’t look as good as he did 15 years ago when we met, but I don’t think of that, I just want us to be happy. He said he isn’t happy.

This is really just my thoughts, as I’m on the train, rushing home to do my jobs at home and then I’ll wake up in the night and then I’ll rush back to work. Repeat.

That’s really shit.

Thank you if you read all of that. I’m just typing as I’m thinking as I’m trying not to cry in front of everyone else on the train

what are you getting out of your relationship with him that wouldn't be possible with someone else who actually likes you?

It sounds awful. There is too much on your shoulders.

Attractiveness is not based on weight alone. It’s personality more than anything. Your DH should have readjusted his hours too when he had dc otherwise does he even see them?

There problems run deeper though if you haven’t had sex for 2 years. You need to think what you want from this relationship and how to get it. You both need to find time to work on the relationship if you are both willing to give it a go. Otherwise you are better off alone. Being lonely is better than being with someone who makes you feel worthless. You would find friends and life again if you did have time to your self again.

He seems a fucking peach. Presumably he looks like Clooney and Pitt all in one package?

I'd be tempted to turn the tables and just serve salads 24/7 for him.

Jesus. Your husband's a bellend.

Does he do any of these extras after he finishes work? Or do you have to work full time, take care of all house and child related admin and keep yourself fit and slim on top of all that?

You do it all, and in return he makes you feel like you are nothing.

What is there about him that you actually like? What is the point of him being your husband?

If you can leave him and be ok financially then please take steps towards this. He's not the food police. He's been horribly rude to you.

Theres nothing you can do. If someone doesnt find you attractive, its not your responsibility to be prettier etc. It doesnt make you worth less. Tell him to fuck off

He’s knocked your confidence and it’s time to focus on you. Time to be selfish and do want you want to do and what’s right for your kids

Ok, op going up two dresses sizes isn't going to make uou unattractive you know this.

The issue here is there is a significant problem in your marriage. He has disconnected, he is not there, he insults you, doesn't wish sex with you wnd tells you loud and clear he is unhappy in the marriage.

You both need to sit down and talk and see if it can be rescued. It sounds like it's a long shot that if can, but you both need to decide not just if there is a way forward, but if you wish to move forward and stay in the marriage.

It sounds like he does not, your feelings are less clear in your op.

I'd also be wondering, and I'm sorry about this, but there may be someone else that he is involved with. The lack of sex, the late nights, the emotional distance, it would indicate he's preparing to leave.

It sounds to me like he not only was being very unkind in his words, but that as another poster has said the trouble runs deeper than that. I doubt very much even without seeing you that you are at all unattractive, I think this is a way of expressing other issues. No matter what he should have never spoken to you like that. You sound like you do a great job looking after the kids and working, it also sounds like you are the one doing all the work and making all the sacrifices with little help from him. You still have very young children and it makes me sad to think you have been made feel this sad. That’s such a crap thing to be told he should be ashamed.

Yes he's a bellend.

You sound like you've got a lot on. Full time job and young children, no family support, no close friends to lean on - plus a very critical husband. You are doing so well to hold it all together.

You know already that he's behaving badly. What do you want to do now?

I think I would have to have a serious conversation along the lines of support me/us or ship out. Being kind and generous with your partner should be a baseline of a relationship.

You are actually very lucky.

Your husband has shown you who he really is - a immature, shallow arsehole - while your children are too young to be aware of how little he thinks of their mother.

My father was exactly this way with my mother. Obsessed with how she looked, etc. She had 3 children in less than 5 years and didn't get back to the 6 stone she was when she met him. He used this as an excuse to be repeatedly unfaithful to her...from when my younger brother was about 4 years old. For religious reasons my mother wouldn't leave/divorce him - he finally left her for OW when my younger brother turned 18. She hadn't worked in 20 years, and ended up losing everything. There was no love ever shown between them when we were children...and precious little to us. I've never been hugged by either of my parents. It was a miserable childhood.

You are therefore also lucky, and a wonderful example for your children, as you can support yourself.

Tell him to leave. See a solicitor as soon as you can. Please don't make the same mistakes my mother did...he's not suddenly going to have an epiphany and become less shallow...these type of men only get worse.

Sorry to say this but your partner is taking the piss. There is nothing wrong with being a size 14!

I think you need to decide if you want to continue with this relationship. If you do you need to speak to your husband and tell him that what he has said is hurtful and it is affecting your confidence. Also, you need to ask him for more help around the house etc as your routine sounds exhausting.

Be good to yourself, you don't deserve to be treated like shit

Maybe this lazy arse of a husband should find himself a job with better hours to become a parent for his children instead of making jibes at you.

Hes selfish, nasty, vile and quiet frankly your children wont miss him when hes gone

You sound still good for him he does nothing to help with the kids, I'd be getting out now whilst your young enough to be happy with someone else. What an arsehole!!

Hi OP

On the one hand if someone changes a lot after marriage, perhaps their spouse genuinely can't help not being attracted to them any more.

But you've not changed a lot. You've put on an average about of weight and because you were below average before, you are now average. I bet your BMI is still in or around the healthy range? With two young kids and doing your share plus his share of everything at home, if course there is no time for eating healthy or exercise. Even most men put on an average of half a stone per baby their partner has as if they are an involved parent there is just less time for healthy meal planning, exercising and it's hard not to reward yourself with treats after all the jobs are finished for the day

Plus it's one thing to not find someone attractive. It's another to expect them to cover your share of household jobs, organising, and parenting and instead of being grateful for it, constantly pick on them about what they eat.

He is being nasty and cruel in my opinion. There are ways to ask your partner to change or talk to them respectfully and he hasn't done it.

I am honestly sure you look absolutely fine. I think you'll feel a lot better about yourself without the constant implied or direct criticism. And you say you dont have time for friends but youd be lonely without the kids for a night if you split up. Maybe you'd actually find that having the time to see friends or do something just for you, gives you a whole new outlook and perspective

OP ..go look at your children tonight. They love you completely for who you are not what you look like. You created something wonderful..They should make you feel ten feet tall.

Then go have a long hard look at your sorry arse of a husband.

Decide who is worth the rest of your time and love.

Fucking horrible man.

Never met and probably never will, but you sound like an amazing woman. The way you are doing your job, a specialist too, and looking after your children AND maintaining your household is just amazing to me. You are not the unattractive one, your dh is!

Im sorry that this has upset you, so sending you a big hug...

What a bastard. Listen to me now, you are an amazing person working full time , taking care of the kids alone, where the fuck is he when is ' at work' till that time of night ? What does this God gift of a man bring to you and the kids life. You think you will be lonely, but trust me there is nothing more lonely than how he makes you feel now !! Take stock ,do you really want to be with him ?

Thank you all. I just got a bit tearful, but I don’t think anyone sitting around me has noticed. I’ll be off the train in 20 mins, so if can just hold it together till home and my kids are asleep and it helps to read everything.

I stood up in front of 90 colleagues yesterday to present on a complicated topic and I had taken time to blow dry my hair and took more care with my make up and actually painted my nails. Why yesterday, why try and hurt me about how I look when I looked as nice as can look?? Now I’m thinking that I must have looked foolish to everyone.

I’m not sure why we’re together. It used to be forever. We’re like family, but I don’t think you try to hurt your family. I’d die before I ever caused my children pain and I would never have wanted to hurt my husband. I’ve always thought about all of him and all of us, not about the minutiae of how he looks.

I don’t think I want him to touch me, I just feel sick, I don’t think I can eat. I don’t want to live apart from my DC and that’s the consequence of divorce isn’t it

I just want us to be happy. He said he isn’t happy

This is the key and critical sentence in your op. It's much bigger than childish insults about your appearance. This is what you need to focus on. You want to be happy together. He has told you he is no longer happy in thr marriage, you conflict here. Telling your spouse you're no longer happy in thr marriage is a very big deal.

As per my previous post, this is what you need to discuss together. And don't make it about your appearance, make it about if he wishes to stay in the marriage and if you do.