“Not attractive anymore”

[PaperWhiteDaisy]

That’s what my husband told me last night. He focuses every day on what I eat, raises an eyebrow if I eat bread or potato or rice. Last night I snapped and said it doesn’t matter what I look like and why is he always focussed on what I eat.

He told me last night that I’m not attractive any more. Today I can still feel an ache in my tummy, like I’ve been kicked. I don’t mean to make light of actually real DV, as he’s never touched me, but I can feel an actual pain from just those words.

I am still processing that really. I’m so busy all day, my mind hasn’t had chance to think about it much. I feel sick.

We’ve got young DC, the little one is 18 months old. I work full time and my husband leaves the house at 6am and gets home at 9/10/11pm. I do all of the planning and getting kids to sleep and cooking and laundry. I do all of the night shifts with my babies. I don’t know what to do.

We both have senior jobs, him more than me, as I took a step back after DC1 was born. I’m good at my job and my colleagues respect me as a subject matter expert. I try to look nice and I used to be very attractive. I think my face is still quite nice, but now I’m a size 14 and not a size 10. I have been making some big presentations this week and today I wanted to hide. I feel hideous. The person who is supposed to be my closest person thinks I look awful, so that must be true. I feel sick, I haven’t eaten today. No one at work would believe I have been close to tears all day. I seem confident and like I have all the answers. I want to hide.

There’s so much to think about every day and I’m rushing from home to the train to the office to my meetings back to the train, into the house, getting the kids to sleep, cooking dinner, doing washing, remembering to buy kid clothes and book flu jabs and make a cake for a sale and buying a birthday present for DC friend and sending MIL a card and...I just remembered I haven’t booked the car service.

I don’t have time for friends really and actually I’d be so embarrassed to tell them about this. I don’t have family, except my own DC. And if I left my husband, we’d be ok for money, but I’d be so lonely if he had the kids for weekends or nights.

Maybe I’m overreacting. We haven’t had sex for over 2 years, as he doesn’t want to, because of how I look. We didn’t actually have much before that. He doesn’t look as good as he did 15 years ago when we met, but I don’t think of that, I just want us to be happy. He said he isn’t happy.

This is really just my thoughts, as I’m on the train, rushing home to do my jobs at home and then I’ll wake up in the night and then I’ll rush back to work. Repeat.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.
LTB.. hold your head high and be the arse kicking woman you're suppose to be!

You sound incredible - have a glass of wine, bubble bath and relax!
Leave the pots, admin, laundry and everything else for a few days and tell him to sort it!!!

Do you still love him?
Does not sound like he loves you othervise he wouldnt say such a hurtful thing to you.
You do every fucking wife work at home and he still is not happy?
As they say on here: do get your ducks in a row... just in case

Tell him to leave. See a solicitor as soon as you can. Please don't make the same mistakes my mother did...he's not suddenly going to have an epiphany and become less shallow...these type of men only get worse.

This...

OP you deserve to be cherished..... this man does not cherish you

There is no consequence of divorce, only your genuine happiness.
Your children will be far happier when you feel better.
Honestly , having a weekend to yourself EOW can help you re-connect to the real world.
You'll hate it at first, I certainly did. Now, me and my new partner ( nearly 3 years, not hugely new ) go off and do what we like, granted not very often but, I get to be ME again...

Keep your head high and I'm sure you never looked foolish! In fact, most people are in awe of women like you. Xl

Wow he sounds like an utter shit. By this point he should love the person you are, even if a disease or accident utterly changed your looks. To be such a cold hearted flaccid dick over a couple of dress sizes says more about him than you.

I suspect you'd actually be less lonely without him, as this has been going on so long. You might find you do have to.e for friends if you weren't with this man who doesn't even seem to like you, and after a while you'd probably meet someone who loves you for your amazing capable self.

So what are his good points, OP? What are you gaining from your relationship?

Is he even remotely appreciative of all that you do, that facilitates his life?

You deserve far, far better than this.

I know you don't want to live apart from your children...but do you want your children to grow up witnessing every single day of their young lives how little their father respects their mother?

If you have boys, do you want them growing up thinking that all domestic chores are the work of women? And if you have girls, do you want them to grow up thinking their only worth is measured in how 'attractive' they are?

Don't underestimate how young children are when they first start to pick up on this sort of thing, either.

Also, what your husband thinks about the way you look isn't the truth. He's not some sort of fucking God who's word is all. His is just one opinion...one shallow, stupid opinion.

I’m so sorry he’s spoke to you like this.

Are you happy in yourself? If you are then tell him and show him the door if he can’t love you for who you are.

If not, then perhaps use his cruel revelation to motivate you...and when he tells you that you look great again, show him the door.

He's not got your best interests at heart anymore if he ever did.

For one, size 14 is absolutely fine. I went from a size 10 to 18 after dc and can't lose it (going to see doctor). I make an extra effort to look glamorous just to make myself feel better and actually feel awesome. If he doesn't fancy you with like you said your blow dry, nails etc he's just a prick. I am sure you look FABULOUS.

Secondly, you sound really lovely. In the kindest way, id say it also sounds like you could do with sticking up for yourself more. KNOW this is nonsense, KNOW you are beautiful, KNOW his opinion is shit, and tell him so. Don't let him drag you down AT ALL. YOU decide how you feel about yourself, no one else can decide that for you.

I'd call his bluff and tell him if your appearance is such an issue, he can leave and find someone else. There are plenty of men who would be interested in you, and since he can't appreciate all your sexiness, you'll vacate his space for a man who can. No? Then he can shut the fuck up about it.

Blinking heck lass.

Time for you to get your thinking cap on and decide what you want in life, bearing in mind that he appears to have checked out.

I'm so glad for you that you have career fulfilment without this horrible man. The loneliness of alternate weekends could eventually be overcome as you would have the time to yourself that you're missing out on now. You would find fulfilment in that respect too.

I don’t know your husband, but I hate him.

What a piece of work.

I bet you look beautiful and you are working so, so hard.

Honestly you have been a single parent for a long time. Split up with him and formalise it.

If you were divorced, do you really think that your DH would accept anything less than the “perfect” life? That he would be happy with looking after a puking child, or cleaning up their diarrhoea? If you have daughters, would he be commenting on how THEY have put weight on? Criticising a son’s career aspirations or inability to be good at sport/computers/mountain climbing (whatever fits his profile for the perfect human)?

My guess is that he would get fed up at the first wobble. The first teenage tantrum. Doesn’t fit with his “ideal”. Even if he still wanted regular access they would start to see how he criticises them for normal fluctuations from his “ideal”, and compare that with your unconditional love for them.

OP, you sound bloody amazing. You’ve got your life running just fine. what do you need his negativity in your life for? Don’t let that bastard grind you down and knock your confidence. You’re doing it all on your own anyway, by the sound of it. You need to get angry. Properly angry with him. This is the conversation you need to have:

“Ok. Clearly you have this image in your head of the perfect wife and I am not reaching your standards but I’m damned sure I reach nearly every other man’s and then some. So, I give you permission to go off and find your holy grail of wives, and you can free me to find a proper husband who will adore me for me and appreciates just what I have to bring to a marriage. Now, off you fuck, gwahn.”

It sounds like you were on a high. Looked good, made a high presentation and he wanted to pull you down a peg or two.

I have been there OP, my exh was the same. You deserve someone who celebrates your successes. Not ruins them.

The marriage clearly has problems before he said this. You want you both to be happy. But will you ever be really happy, with him?

@paperwhitedaisy, I'm sorry you feel so bad and that he's so much of a git.

A size 14 isn't that big and anyway you sound lovely. Its not you, its him (and I bet he's no young stud either)

What an arrogant, shallow, selfish twat!

This is just HORRID.

OP, he has you believing that you don't look good because of his cruel words. This is a NASTY man, not a good man. This is NOT about you, this is about cruelty and many people would say this is domestic abuse. Verbal abuse.

He's not doing his share of childcare or housework AND has a go at you about how HE thinks you SHOULD look????

WTAF

FUCK him, pardon my French, but seriously. I have been there, minus the shared home and family, but I spent bloody wasted years putting up and excusing a man who picked at various aspects of my appearance to bring me down. He was an utter twat, but instead of saying fuck him the first or maybe the second time, what did I do? I did what YOU are sadly and internalised his words and treatment of me and began to think I had zero value and was ugly, old and worthless.

What a surprise after leaving him to find that men find me attractive and HE was the one with the problem.

He's doing a number on your self-esteem. I am not sure I would give anyone the time of day again if they said something like this to me. It's kind of a death knell on things improving.

OP... stop worrying about your husband for a minute or how you look and just re read this:

^There’s so much to think about every day and I’m rushing from home to the train to the office to my meetings back to the train, into the house, getting the kids to sleep, cooking dinner, doing washing, remembering to buy kid clothes and book flu jabs and make a cake for a sale and buying a birthday present for DC friend and sending MIL a card and...I just remembered I haven’t booked the car service.

I don’t have time for friends really and actually I’d be so embarrassed to tell them about this. I don’t have family, except my own DC. And if I left my husband, we’d be ok for money, but I’d be so lonely if he had the kids for weekends or nights^

Can you see the real problem here? What you need to do is take some time for yourself this weekend, take a notebook to Costa or Starbucks or whatever. Write down a list of five of the real problems (lack of time for yourself. Lack of any hobby or recreational activity. social life. confidence. lack of an organisational system that will free up your headspace... Lack of support from "partner" these could be part of your list) ..and then write the solutions, be realistic, take risks, make compromises in other areas of life. You are very intelligent it seems, you need to work on the real issues here and you are totally capable of it. I would say number one on that list would be the lack of time you have made for yourself in your life - Only you can amend that.

I don't think this is about you at all.
Turning the blame tables onto you is something men do when they have a problem. i would think he could either be unable to have sex anymore, is having an affair, doesn't want to be a father, is planning on leaving.
If he tried hard enough to turn the tables and blame you for being "fat" he can justify his plan to leave or whatever it is he plans to do.
Both my husbands did this to me and they still believe they were justified in leaving because of something I did which I didn't.
I've seen this so many times.
Remember this isn't about you - he is up to something and it's easy for him to assuage his guilt if he has convinced himself he did it because you "let yourself go".
It's a disgusting shabby and dishonest way to behave.
Personally I'd have a massive plate of cream cakes on the table when he gets home and eat the lot.

so before you had children you were girl shaped now you are shaped like a woman from having children - with curves - if he doesn't recognize your beauty you should your body is that of a mum :)

That's not a marriage.

You wouldn't be "living apart" from your children if you divorced. It sounds like he isn't that interested in them anyway, tbh

Think of it as you getting a deserved break and him having to do some actual parenting for a change every other weekend.

A whole new life is waiting for you if you offload this awful person

Agree with everyone who says you husband is an arse.

I bet your presentation was amazing and you looked great.

Stop putting him first, start considering your needs and your career.

Good luck

If someone loves you, they don’t hurt you. Like you said he’s changed but you don’t even think of that because you have love for him.

He’s decided not to I have sex with you for over two years and arrives home between 9-11pm every night. How do you or your children get to spend time with him?

As a pp mentioned I feel he’s checked out and could be having an affair. It would explain the late nights, no sex and being overly critical.

so before you had children you were girl shaped now you are shaped like a woman from having children

What? Size ten women are not girl shaped? Why would you feel the need to put women down like that?