“Not attractive anymore”

[PaperWhiteDaisy]

That’s what my husband told me last night. He focuses every day on what I eat, raises an eyebrow if I eat bread or potato or rice. Last night I snapped and said it doesn’t matter what I look like and why is he always focussed on what I eat.

He told me last night that I’m not attractive any more. Today I can still feel an ache in my tummy, like I’ve been kicked. I don’t mean to make light of actually real DV, as he’s never touched me, but I can feel an actual pain from just those words.

I am still processing that really. I’m so busy all day, my mind hasn’t had chance to think about it much. I feel sick.

We’ve got young DC, the little one is 18 months old. I work full time and my husband leaves the house at 6am and gets home at 9/10/11pm. I do all of the planning and getting kids to sleep and cooking and laundry. I do all of the night shifts with my babies. I don’t know what to do.

We both have senior jobs, him more than me, as I took a step back after DC1 was born. I’m good at my job and my colleagues respect me as a subject matter expert. I try to look nice and I used to be very attractive. I think my face is still quite nice, but now I’m a size 14 and not a size 10. I have been making some big presentations this week and today I wanted to hide. I feel hideous. The person who is supposed to be my closest person thinks I look awful, so that must be true. I feel sick, I haven’t eaten today. No one at work would believe I have been close to tears all day. I seem confident and like I have all the answers. I want to hide.

There’s so much to think about every day and I’m rushing from home to the train to the office to my meetings back to the train, into the house, getting the kids to sleep, cooking dinner, doing washing, remembering to buy kid clothes and book flu jabs and make a cake for a sale and buying a birthday present for DC friend and sending MIL a card and...I just remembered I haven’t booked the car service.

I don’t have time for friends really and actually I’d be so embarrassed to tell them about this. I don’t have family, except my own DC. And if I left my husband, we’d be ok for money, but I’d be so lonely if he had the kids for weekends or nights.

Maybe I’m overreacting. We haven’t had sex for over 2 years, as he doesn’t want to, because of how I look. We didn’t actually have much before that. He doesn’t look as good as he did 15 years ago when we met, but I don’t think of that, I just want us to be happy. He said he isn’t happy.

This is really just my thoughts, as I’m on the train, rushing home to do my jobs at home and then I’ll wake up in the night and then I’ll rush back to work. Repeat.

Not to have *

"so before you had children you were girl shaped now you are shaped like a woman from having children

What? Size ten women are not girl shaped? Why would you feel the need to put women down like that?"

I think the pp means bigger hips, belly and boobs. I don't think it was meant as an insult...

What a nasty man he is OP. You sound lovely and I bet you look lovely too. Bollocks to him. See a solicitor. Xx

"If someone loves you, they don’t hurt you"

THIS. MULTIPLIED ENDLESS TIMES. People hurt each other, but if it's unintentional and can be explained and resolved and discussed, that's normal. But NOT what your shitbag is doing to you.

Took me waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to long to realise my ex didn't love me. I think your shitbag husband is looking for an excuse to leave.

Beat him to it and see a solicitor.

I was not putting down anyone or any size -but having children can change your shape & her husband should love her because her change in shape is due to her having children (get over your self girl I changed shape in reverse - it happens - after having children & was less than that - when I was younger -having children does change your shape puts curves & lumps & stretch marks but these are all signs of your being a mother to HIS children) stop picking holes where none are intended!!!

Sweetheart, the problem isn't you it is him. Anyone who tries to pull you down like that, much less someone who is supposed to be your nearest and dearest, is just not worth your time.

You sound fabulous and he sounds like a dick. Get angry OP, you are doing everything and he brings nothing except negativity to this relationship.

The wife doing everything whilst the H is fannying around moaning and criticising is horribly familiar. This was also my exH MO and (with 20:20 hindsight) he was always particularly unpleasant in the early stages of one of his affairs, because it meant he could justify his behaviour to himself.

Your H is a great vortex of negativity OP. Throw him back and start leading your own life, trust me, it is way better on the other side!

Your husband should be proud of you. He should cherish you, respect you, love you. You sound like an amazing mum.

I know it's MN bingo but, do you think he's seeing someone else?

He hasn't wanted sex in two years and since then has been putting you down and criticising you. He says it's because of your appearance but he doesn't get home till 11pm and isn't interested at all in family life from the sounds of it.

He leaves all the grunt work to you and just sleeps there. You haven't been in a relationship with him for two years as he's completely disengaged.

You sound lonely in the relationship OP and, being by yourself is way better than being with someone who treats you with contempt and actively erodes your self esteem.

Oh Op, he is the problem, not you.
He has a loving wife who contributes more than 100% to the marriage, who works full time and runs the household, doing absolutely everything for him, even down to buying and sending his own mother a card; he has children who love him, and he's still not happy ?
Leave him - you will be far happier without him in your life dragging you down; and one manchild less to take care of.
You would be surprised at how many decent, loving men would give their right arm to have a woman like you.

I’d be tempted to copy and paste your OP and send it to him. He obviously has no idea how this has affected you - he probably (stupidly and arrogantly) thought he might make you “realise” something you were not aware of. But what a nasty shit he is!
Comment aside, he is not playing the role of husband or father as he’s never bloody at home. You’re not a quick shag.
There’s that saying come to mind again: a woman needs to feel loved in order to feel like having sex; a man needs sex in order to feel loved.

"He obviously has no idea how this affected you" What pure unadulterated bullshit-a person says this to score points and severely harm a person at their emotional core and to take away their self esteem and relationship security. I'm sure the bastard is an oil painting himself! Leave him now

madcatladyforever

Has it spot on. Him putting you down for going up a dress size or two is a smoke screen for something else that is going on. Jealousy? Guilt? (an affair) in fact his whole attitude screams affair to me especially with him working so late.

And do not send him what you have written in your post!! Terrible advice!!

What exactly is he bringing to the table for you?!

He's not supportive, he sounds lazy, selfish and spiteful. No affection, no help and now insults.

You know you can do better than this OP

This man will ruin you. You are clearly a very capable, strong (and I bet very attractive) woman. You have a good career and beautiful children, what is he actually doing to make you happy? If this man isn't happy because you've put on a bit of weight bearing his children, what is he gonna think should you become seriously ill? Some people might think it extreme but I would leave. You'd be surprised at how happy you could be in the future without him. I'm almost certain you could find someone who would be proud of the person you are today, who would love and cherish you. If you stay with this man, you will end up with no self esteem or confidence. One mans trash is another mans treasure. Go and be someone's treasure.

I think you should move out. Let him be the one slaving and running the home and looking after the kids every day. You have them once a week and every other weekend and spend lovely quality time with them. I bet you’d soon be glowing again.

Wonder how fine and dandy he’d be looking in that scenario. Wonder how his career would be looking.

I’d be tempted to suggest it just to shit him up.

This is nothing to do with your weight. I bet if you lost weight he’d find some other reason to put you down. He was wants you to feel insecure and make himself more superior.

He’s an arsehole.

To be honest you may as well be single mother anyway
He does fuck all other than insult you
And I bet you are still attractive

If you split you would probably get more time off (he would probably want to see his kids ) and your self esteem wouldn’t be wrecked

I am sorry for his hurtful and unkind
Comments , and I would consider pulling the rug from under his feet and doing nothing for him for the foreseeable future

OP you sound fabulous but you don't seem to be doing anything for you, for your long term health. maybe your financial health and children's health but what about you.
What he said was unkind but maybe you need to fit in one hour, three times a week, to devote to your physical fitness.
do this by delegating to him, or hiring out.

You sound like you are doing amazingly. Your husbands words are hurtful. You say it’s not real dv, but to me it’s abusive in emotionally. Sorry you are feeling so bad.

You’re not overreacting. He’s a knob.
You would do well to rethink your relationship. He will wear you down.

I feel for you OP. You sound like a lovely lady who has her priorities straight.

All the home life has fallen to you and this isn't a proper partnership.

He says he isn't happy. Ask yourself if you are truly happy doing it all. Whilst in understand your children are your priority ask yourself if you see him actually contributing toward family life. It's more than money but also time. Children should see their parents working together to create a happy home life.

I know I haven't mentioned the "attractiveness" part of your post but I don't think he has the right to make comments on you when he doesn't pull his weight to be a father and husband.

Good luck and I hope you're able to have some clarity soon. The advice from people here will help you.

I'm so sorry for you.
This man is a cruel, selfish fucker.
You deserve SO MUCH MORE.

@EKGEMS wtf! You’re charming aren’t you - I said “how” this has affected her!! Read.
He knows he’s being a dick and wanted her to react and hurt her etc. but sounds like from her OP she didn’t react at all. She needs to tell him how it’s making her feel right now. He has now right to do this to her. They are married, they need to talk about this, he shouldn’t get away with saying whatever he likes and her not respond.

@Crazyladee - OP says that these are “just her thoughts” - I’m suggesting she talks to her husband about her marriage and how his nasty behaviour is affecting her.

Sheesh! To suggest that married couples should discuss their feelings - good god!

What an awful thing for him to say. As PP said, going from a 10 to a 14 is not exactly a massive unrecognisable change. As you said, he doesn’t look like he did 15 years ago either. What a selfish, nasty twat.

This man Is verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive.
He is bringing you down and filling your sparkle.
Abusive men see intelligent, sociable, hard-working women as a challenge.

He is exerting his control over you and sounds very misogynistic. By saying shitty comments about your appearance and size he is whittling you away.

Marilyn Monroe went from a size 8 to a size 16 in her career, has anyone ever looked at her photos and thought she looked bad? No because a size 14 is not big. He is a nasty piece of work.

He sounds like he has NPD traits and he could be warming up other supply on the sidelines, hence the late nights.
They are also parasitic I'm nature by living off of someone else's energy.

I am worried that you are going to burn yourself out staying with this abusive bully.

You need to be in a relationship where you are valued and loved because you are a beautiful person inside and out and not because he is happy with your size.