“Not attractive anymore”

[PaperWhiteDaisy]

That’s what my husband told me last night. He focuses every day on what I eat, raises an eyebrow if I eat bread or potato or rice. Last night I snapped and said it doesn’t matter what I look like and why is he always focussed on what I eat.

He told me last night that I’m not attractive any more. Today I can still feel an ache in my tummy, like I’ve been kicked. I don’t mean to make light of actually real DV, as he’s never touched me, but I can feel an actual pain from just those words.

I am still processing that really. I’m so busy all day, my mind hasn’t had chance to think about it much. I feel sick.

We’ve got young DC, the little one is 18 months old. I work full time and my husband leaves the house at 6am and gets home at 9/10/11pm. I do all of the planning and getting kids to sleep and cooking and laundry. I do all of the night shifts with my babies. I don’t know what to do.

We both have senior jobs, him more than me, as I took a step back after DC1 was born. I’m good at my job and my colleagues respect me as a subject matter expert. I try to look nice and I used to be very attractive. I think my face is still quite nice, but now I’m a size 14 and not a size 10. I have been making some big presentations this week and today I wanted to hide. I feel hideous. The person who is supposed to be my closest person thinks I look awful, so that must be true. I feel sick, I haven’t eaten today. No one at work would believe I have been close to tears all day. I seem confident and like I have all the answers. I want to hide.

There’s so much to think about every day and I’m rushing from home to the train to the office to my meetings back to the train, into the house, getting the kids to sleep, cooking dinner, doing washing, remembering to buy kid clothes and book flu jabs and make a cake for a sale and buying a birthday present for DC friend and sending MIL a card and...I just remembered I haven’t booked the car service.

I don’t have time for friends really and actually I’d be so embarrassed to tell them about this. I don’t have family, except my own DC. And if I left my husband, we’d be ok for money, but I’d be so lonely if he had the kids for weekends or nights.

Maybe I’m overreacting. We haven’t had sex for over 2 years, as he doesn’t want to, because of how I look. We didn’t actually have much before that. He doesn’t look as good as he did 15 years ago when we met, but I don’t think of that, I just want us to be happy. He said he isn’t happy.

This is really just my thoughts, as I’m on the train, rushing home to do my jobs at home and then I’ll wake up in the night and then I’ll rush back to work. Repeat.

My blood is boiling reading this op. I would either start divorce proceedings or sit him down and split all child and house stuff. And start doing things for you. Have some time off from all your responsibilities, have fun, make some friends etc.

You're amazing being great at your job with sole responsibility of your kids and home. You run rings round that pathetic loser you're married to.

He’s an arse. I think he is looking for an excuse to leave or have an affair. The old ‘my wife’s not sexy any more” routine. If it’s your fault it makes it easier for him to justify his actions. Arse.

You seem to be doing ALL the “wife work”. Why does he choose to work so late when he has responsibilities? What’s he playing at, lazy fucker.

If I were you I’d say “what you said made me really unhappy so I’ve decided to concentrate on improving myself. So from now on you will be home by 7pm to bathe and put the children to bed HALF the week as I will be at the gym. You will do nursery drop off and pick up HALF the week too as I will be at my tai chi and yoga classes at the gym directly from work. I am also fed up running the house singlehandedly so you will need to do more round the house as it’s not fair I am exhausted all the time dealing with all the shit of the day while you don’t bother and get out of it by staying late at the office or wherever it is you are of an evening. The kids are half your responsibility so why am I the only one in this relationship who is making sacrifices and changing my schedule? No more. Oh and at the weekend you will have the kids one day and I will have them the other day. That will give us BOTH time to pursue our hobbies and meet friends etc. Ok”.

If he says anything get him told “you started this by making me feel sad and unattractive. Perhaps now you understand why I feel tired and eat certain food for energy to keep me going. How dare you chastise next when you make no effort at all for this family. All you bring to the table is money, which the kids would be entitled to whether or not you are here or you leave. Oh and if you do leave you are still doing drop offs and pick ups and half the week parenting as you are half their parent the same as me. You’ve made me see sense alright. You need to pull up your socks and do more. If you don’t want to do your share, get a cleaner and a childminder to do drop off and pick ups on your day and pay for it from your own spending money as I’m not paying for your laziness and Im not bending over backwards to support you when you don’t support me”.

Mike drop on the floor and walk away from the stunned silence....

Ltb

@ Anessia. Your comment: "On the other hand I do think you’re being a overly offended by his remark and it’s not worth breaking apart your family. There’s no harm in working on your appearance even if it’s just for yourself. Diet, do 15 min exercises in the morning and the evening. Wear feminine clothing, heels, if you want to then ask your husbands suggestions in terms of what he likes you to wear etc. "

... is very interesting.

See I am a 48 year old woman, slim but curves where it matters, size 12, great skin, people think I am 35 max, lovely hair, teeth, sporty, clever, qualified, sociable woman who had the same shit pulled on her by a 52 year old man. He had sex with me regularly and appeared to enjoy it, so did I, a LOT for that matter, which made it hard leaving him. I was constantly wearing sexy clothing and underwear. But he took verbal jabs at my body. He did not do it because I look unattractive, he did it for CONTROL.

This kind of thing destroys trust and intimacy.

If your partner comes to you and blurts out insensitive comments, do you actually think that is helpful, kind or loving? Especially over something you cannot fix, for example a stretch mark or two after giving birth, a wrinkle from aging, grey hair? FFS, you could bend over backwards and do every exercise in the book, get your hair and nails done and even have plastic surgery, but you CANNOT turn back time and some physical traits are inherited and unalterable.

And you must have a very shallow concept of what a healthy relationship looks like if you think this is something that OP can fix. A marriage is a PARTNERSHIP, requiring healthy communication, collaboration and give and take. This is not what is happening here.

@Anessia you're missing the point. Most women like to look attractive for their partners....this isn't the problem here. Your husband is addicted to porn. If you spend your whole life aspiring to look like a porn star, you will be miserable. The problem is your husband, not you or how attractive you are. Yes, divorce is detrimental to children but so is growing up in a family where your mother is miserable and lacks self esteem because of the way your father treats her. That's not healthy for children to see. Listen to the many experienced women on here. Do you really think they're all wrong?

NOT TO FORGET, he is not pulling his weight in the home AT ALL.

When is OP meant to get time to do any exercise when she is doing ALL the housework AND childcare AND working full-time whilst he does nada and comes home well after he has actually finished work.

Clearly he has checked out of the relationship physically and emotionally already. Perhaps counselling would help. For me and for most posters on here, the bluntness of his comment and his evasion of family responsibilities and pulling his weight would be the end.

@ Gemma1971 sex is part of marriage but marriage doesn’t survive on good sex alone. You saw each other as sources of sexual pleasure but nothing more and I think that’s why you divorced.

No its not helpful blurting insensitive comments but not all men have tact.

‘And you must have a very shallow concept of what a healthy relationship looks like if you think this is something that OP can fix.’ Of course OP can do many things to try fix it. It’s by far not a hopeless situation that requires divorce. I’m not saying she should bend over backwards and try be his sex slave or something but she can work on her appearance and on building intimacy with her husband.

I bet if a man was posting here saying that his wife is not attracted to him and doesn't want sex then he would be told to work on himself and serve his wife.

@Louise831 I’ve been hurt but I never said that I’m miserable. I love my husband but my self-esteem doesn’t depend solely on my husband and neither do I aspire to look like a porn star.

Yes I do think that ‘experienced’ women are wrong here to suggest divorce – it’s too easy. Pain is part of life and part of marriage. You have to accept it go through it and come out stronger together. There's a reason why 2nd marriages have higher divorce rates than first marriages.

Anessia I wasn't married. He was a sociopath and the criticisms were part of a strategy to hurt and control me, but I won't give the full details here as I don't want to hijack the thread.

A man not wanting sex with his partner and criticising her appearance is not necessarily related to a porn problem. It can be for any number of reasons. OP's husband is avoiding the marital home by staying out late and is not doing anything to care for his own children or home at all.

That in itself destroys intimacy. The way he addressed OP shows a lack of intimacy and empathy and a total inability to communicate in a healthy fashion. Did he do it to hurt her? We don't know for sure. But he has made himself unattractive to her by saying it.

He has also destroyed intimacy by not being a good husband in the areas I mentioned above.

Whilst you may say this is not worth divorcing over, far too many women put up with partners who degrade them, fail to support them and use the marital home as somewhere to sleep and get fed. Without knowing more, it sounds very much as if OP's husband is doing this.

So OP has two options. Joint counselling to address the issues. This does not always help though and will be of no use whatsoever if her husband is deliberately abusive and does not wish to change. He may go through the motions and then go back to normal. He may even refuse counselling.

If he is unwilling to talk things through like an adult with commitments to a spouse and family, then the only other option in my mind would be to divorce. Why be unhappy? OP sounds desperately unhappy. You might say it takes two to tango, but what if his words have cut to her core in such a way that she cannot forgive him?

I have friends who have been married for over 30 years. I discussed my ex with her. She said in 30 years her husband has never once insulted her, told her she is unattractive, nothing. He has been a pain in the butt in other ways, but has always pulled his weight with their child, with finances, with supporting her emotionally.

THAT is a healthy relationship. Sometimes we have to accept that the man we chose is NOT a good person and not waste any more precious life time!!

p.s. my ex had been married twice before meeting me. He pulled the same shit on the second ex wife as he did to me, belittling her, criticising her. I met her and I have never seen such a perfectly stunning woman in my entire life. Men tripped over themselves to look at her face, her curvy hips, her skin. She was like a Middle Eastern princess.

He also told her that her body was not good enough. He did not support her with their child and did the same to her as he did to me.

Sometimes the man is just a waste of space and far too many women see men as fixer uppers. Men are not DIY projects. A person is who he or she is. Sometimes it can take years to discover the real person. Sometimes you marry the wrong person.

Life is SHORT. That is why us older posters say divorce. Because we KNOW how easy it is to try to help someone fix themselves when they do not want to change.

Life is about happy times and difficult times. But the whole point of sharing your life with someone else is not for that person to be a major source of the pain!!!!

"Pain is part of life and part of marriage. You have to accept it go through it and come out stronger together"

You don't have to accept anything if it is abusive. That attitude should have died out in the 1950s and I am surprised that a 23 year old has such low standards.

Yes, you can work together to iron out issues, but if a marriage or partnership becomes so bad and it is evident that one party does not want to "go through it" and there is no fundamentally strong and healthy bond in place to work on, then you are flogging a dead horse.

If I was 23 again, I would do a LOT differently and I would not be helping any man or any other person overcome any addiction. Not on my time.

Either treat me with respect, work on yourself first, or there is the door.

There’s no harm in working on your appearance even if it’s just for yourself. Diet, do 15 min exercises in the morning and the evening. Wear feminine clothing, heels, if you want to then ask your husbands suggestions in terms of what he likes you to wear etc
FUCK ME - I do despair sometimes!

hellsbellsmelons I love your posts!

He sounds as though he has checked out of the marriage and is shallow and superficial. In fact he sounds awful. You also sound as though you have far too much on your plate and it may be worth thinking about cutting your hours, hiring some home help and ditching your horrible husband.

See a solicitor, gather all the relevant information. Whether you decide to stay in the marriage or not, you need facts. Then talk to your H - who may well tell you that you won't get a penny and he will have full custody of DC, as selfish, sexist men frequently do. It's not up to him to decide what happens to shared assets or the family home. If he is not interested in treating you like a partner he respects and likes, kick him out. Life is too short to waste it on an unpleasant man.

@Anessia bless you. I have nothing more to say.

He doesn’t do anywhere near a fair share of parenting or domestic work.
Comments negatively on your weight and eating choices, and tells you he finds you unattractive due to your weight.
No sex.

All good reasons to LTB.

OP, I am a fellow size 14 and there is no way that my DH would ever DREAM of saying (or thinking) something so cruel about my appearance - the problem here is NOT you, it is your husband 100%. He is a cruel, shallow, controlling prick - how dare he control what you eat?! You aren't five years old, you're a grown woman, if you want to eat a fucking potato then it's none of his bloody business. You have birthed his children, you have a busy life and a demanding job, you don't have time to be fretting over every mouthful you eat, and if he wasn't the shallow man-child that he is then an extra bit of weight would not change his attraction to you, that is madness. His comments and attitude are extremely telling about him as a person in general, as actually I genuinely don't know any men in my personal circle of friends and family who would ever speak to their wives like that, and none of these men are perfect (far from it) - it takes a particularly shallow and arrogant person to behave as he has done.

The good news is that you are independent enough with your job to be able to survive financially without him. And yes, he would have the kids some days (though possibly not as much as you would anyway) - those are the days where (when you are ready) you take advantage of that time to socialise, date, meet new people etc - there will be tonnes of men out there who would love you exactly as you are. You can do much better - don't let his mind games and shit stirring make you doubt yourself, he is trying to control you and favours hurting you and making you doubt yourself in order to achieve that. He is a nasty bastard.

You're looking at this the wrong way totally.

You're successful in your career, and run your home/family single handedly. He feels inferior, so he hurts you in the only way he knows how.

You're a single parent already and I think we could all predict that he's not going to chase you for 50/50 custody given he does fuck all. He'll be a Sunday 2 -4pm "disney dad" guaranteed, once he gets past blustering how you dared to leave him and threatening you with all sorts.

Pack his bags and let him find someone else to bring down. You deserve so much better

@Anessia, I can get your optimistic because it is natural at your age and it is based on a belief that both parties want to work for mutual cooperation and benefit.

I was similar at your age (and beyond!) however I have now learnt that some people do not share the desire for mutuality. Their focus is power and meeting their selfish needs. It is surprisingly more common as it is only through online forums, in recent years that the subject of abuse has been openly discussed.

Prior to that the attitude you have was dominant and everyone in an abusive or toxic marriage believed they were responsive for fixing it.

Experience has now highlighted that many marriages can't be saved, unless the abused party is prepared to be a doormat. Usually the abuser will tire of a doormat and leaves anyway.

Op, this isn't down to you. The impact you feel id not because you are sensitive but because your husband knew how to hurt you. Had he been hurtful accidentally he would have recognised your feelings and sought to reassure you. He wasn't being helpful either.

Why he is hurting you, is on him. Read about abusive relationships, Lundy and Patricia Evans are good starting points.

Reading this has just made me so very sad for you and really angry. How dare he make you feel not enough for him, not attractive enough, not desirable enough to want to sleep with. God how would he manage with someone like me then who only has one breast as a result of a masectomy because of breast cancer. I'm only 45 but my bum has big scars through hip replacement surgery, I've gone up to a size 18 since I started taking Tamoxifen last year and I'm not as active as I'd like to be as I'm waiting for more hip surgery.

Fuck me op I'm sorry but he sounds like a right prat and you are far far to good for him. It was only 18 months ago you had your child ffs he should be in awe of you and all that you have achieved and all that you are.

To think you're at work crying cos he's made you feel not enough is deplorable. If you stay with this pathetic excuse of a man he will drag you down so low you won't want to wake up each morning.

Be kind to yourself op, you sound so very lovely, don't let anyone make you feel you aren't enough.

@Anessia Suggest starting your own thread. If a man posted on MN describing his wife (or husband) behaving like OP’s H, he would receive similar advice IMO.

OP, please don’t assume that your H’s opinions of you are, in any way, shared by others. Can’t remember the exact quote, something like: the opinions of a man who is mistreating you should be disregarded.

HE gets home at 9,10,11 pm

He spends no time with his children, you, therefore his family

That is deeply unattractive

Is he working all those hours or doing sport or hobbies ?

@Anessia

"divorce has huge negative effects on children regardless of what you like to believe."

It depends on how you handle it and that is a very generalised statement. My ex husband had an affair. Yes, I could choose not to divorce him and be a doormat and live the rest of my life and marriage not trusting him, believing I'm not good enough (I can assure you I was and am) and having our children see their mum walked all over and having no self esteem but in my opinion, that would have far more negative effects than divorcing him but maintaining an amicable relationship for the sake of our children, who now actually spend more quality time with him than they did when he was married to me but having an affair in his 'spare' time.

I also think a dad with a porn addiction is far more damaging than amicably divorced parents.

I thought people should 'try harder' too before I realised that marrying someone doesn't mean you should accept the worth they place on you.

Wear feminine clothing, heels, if you want to then ask your husbands suggestions in terms of what he likes you to wear etc Is this a joke? Please someone say it's a joke! Can you imagine a man saying to another man "make sure you wear really masculine clothes and act really manly. Ask your wife what she likes you to wear." What kind of person would want to tell their partner what they must wear? A controlling one!