“Not attractive anymore”

[PaperWhiteDaisy]

That’s what my husband told me last night. He focuses every day on what I eat, raises an eyebrow if I eat bread or potato or rice. Last night I snapped and said it doesn’t matter what I look like and why is he always focussed on what I eat.

He told me last night that I’m not attractive any more. Today I can still feel an ache in my tummy, like I’ve been kicked. I don’t mean to make light of actually real DV, as he’s never touched me, but I can feel an actual pain from just those words.

I am still processing that really. I’m so busy all day, my mind hasn’t had chance to think about it much. I feel sick.

We’ve got young DC, the little one is 18 months old. I work full time and my husband leaves the house at 6am and gets home at 9/10/11pm. I do all of the planning and getting kids to sleep and cooking and laundry. I do all of the night shifts with my babies. I don’t know what to do.

We both have senior jobs, him more than me, as I took a step back after DC1 was born. I’m good at my job and my colleagues respect me as a subject matter expert. I try to look nice and I used to be very attractive. I think my face is still quite nice, but now I’m a size 14 and not a size 10. I have been making some big presentations this week and today I wanted to hide. I feel hideous. The person who is supposed to be my closest person thinks I look awful, so that must be true. I feel sick, I haven’t eaten today. No one at work would believe I have been close to tears all day. I seem confident and like I have all the answers. I want to hide.

There’s so much to think about every day and I’m rushing from home to the train to the office to my meetings back to the train, into the house, getting the kids to sleep, cooking dinner, doing washing, remembering to buy kid clothes and book flu jabs and make a cake for a sale and buying a birthday present for DC friend and sending MIL a card and...I just remembered I haven’t booked the car service.

I don’t have time for friends really and actually I’d be so embarrassed to tell them about this. I don’t have family, except my own DC. And if I left my husband, we’d be ok for money, but I’d be so lonely if he had the kids for weekends or nights.

Maybe I’m overreacting. We haven’t had sex for over 2 years, as he doesn’t want to, because of how I look. We didn’t actually have much before that. He doesn’t look as good as he did 15 years ago when we met, but I don’t think of that, I just want us to be happy. He said he isn’t happy.

This is really just my thoughts, as I’m on the train, rushing home to do my jobs at home and then I’ll wake up in the night and then I’ll rush back to work. Repeat.

What a selfish cunt. Free yourself. Divorce gives you so much time back

oh hun, that post made me so sad! You're an amazing strong women, who not only birthed HIS children but is also raising them too, whilst working and contributing to the household, and this t*at of a man calls you unattractive? You're a catch! And there is nothing wrong with being a size 14, its perfectly healthy, feminine, womanly size!
Can I ask what are you getting out of this relationship? You're with a man who won't be with you sexually, doesn't seem to do any of the domestic chores, makes you feel horrible about yourself. That isn't what a husband should be, and it honestly sounds like you'd be better off on your own for a bit, because he adds nothing but stress to your life. And I know divorce is hard, but you'r children won't stay babies forever, soon they'll be out and about with friends, sleepovers, school all day, extra curricular etc, and you're going to be alone with this ogre of a man who has no appreciation for all the amazing things you do to make his life easier.

He's unhappy in your marriage. Your weight is only part of the issue.

This is abuse. My ex used to do things like that but it was to keep me down and controlled. I bet you look really good and he doesn't like that so he pulls you down to erode your confidence so he feels in control. This do not get any better so I would consider splitting up with him.

^I don’t think I want him to touch me, I just feel sick, I don’t think I can eat. I don’t want to live apart from my DC and that’s the consequence of divorce isn’t it*

You did amazing at work and you can’t see that sadly. Referring the above . In any family law case you are indisputably the carer . As
You are married children would most likely reside with you and see their dad . Given his current behaviour I can’t see him
Pushing for 50:50 can you ?

Start to keep a
Diary and remember you can divorce if you want . You
Don’t need a reason legally anymore !

Look splitting is not easy . People can lash out a LTB it’s difficult , expensive and painful

But no one has to stay in a relationship where the person makes them so desperately unhappy either .

@PaperWhiteDaisy

What a vile man he is. My other half loves me no matter what I look like because looks fade as you get older.

I would leave him if i was you but I know you won't

It’s interesting to me that your dh choose the day you had a big presentation to insult you? It’s also interesting to me that you had clearly made an effort- I suspect he noticed that you looked nice.
Op- does your dh regularly put you down about your job, is he jealous of your career?
It’s a sad state of affairs when your own husbands negging you.

Btw you sound amazing.

I would leave him if i was you but I know you won't

How? Are you a Mind reader ? Many women start their journey on here .

I hate your pathetic excuse of a husband!!!
You sound a wonderful wife and mother and you deserve so much better.
I hope you find the strength to leave him.

Sounds to me like he's found out that if he divorces you he'll be paying out more than he thinks he should, so he's being horrid in the hope that you'll divorce him ( so it doesn't cost him so much because you will want it done quickly )

I think you should tell him that if he doesn't find you attractive anymore he needs to take over some of the household and child related stuff so you have time to gym and get hair done etc as sounds like you don't have any 'me time' to do any of that stuff .

Personally I'd call him out and metaphorically rim him to shreds over this shitty comment and his behaviour in general.

Good luck with it all . You are strong . Chanel you inner strength and keep going .

Fuck him. Is he an Adonis? My OH did similar. I gained 4 dress sizes due to depression and medication after my sons death.
He stopped coming near me and got himself a rocketing porn habit.
He would poke my tummy, things like that. Never saud the horrible words your DH did.
I was so hurt by his shallowness. We'd been together years and years and in every other aspect a great team.
Jokes on him now as I'm back down to almost my old weight after a meds change. I've had my hair dyed, I get my lashes done, treated myself to new clothes.
And I will never sleep with him again.
If he couldn't accept me warts n all that's his loss.
Plus I still took care of myself when I was bigger. And I went up to an 18. 14 us nothing! I bet you look groomed and lovely. Especially in such a professional job.
His opinion although it's cut you to the quick, does NOT matter. You are a great mother, a hard worker, you sound fab.
A real catch in fact.
What's Prince Charming bringing to the party apart from snide ,spiteful disrespect.
Never let someone else's words cloud your judgement of yourself. Know your own worth. Which btw is huge .

As others have said here you should think about Divorce .Not easy obviously but there is no respect left ,and he is trying to bring you down. The late nights suggest an affair I think .You will be happier without this unpleasant man and will come to realise this in time.The pretty picture of family life ,with a kind husband is held up as something to aspire to .but in the long run you would be better off single for a few years .

This is awful. No one looks the same after 2 babies and 15 years! But that's irrelevant. The fact he would be so deliberately hurtful shows he has no love and respect for you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but you deserve better.

Dear OP.

I know the painful feeling of being in a sexless marriage because I am in one. I used to think it’s because my husband finds me unattractive (even though I’m 23 and in good shape) but the real issue was porn addiction. I’m trying to help him overcome it. Ask your husband does he watch porn because men do become more critical of their wife’s appearance as a result.

On the other hand I do think you’re being a overly offended by his remark and it’s not worth breaking apart your family. There’s no harm in working on your appearance even if it’s just for yourself. Diet, do 15 min exercises in the morning and the evening. Wear feminine clothing, heels, if you want to then ask your husbands suggestions in terms of what he likes you to wear etc. I’m just shocked at the amount of women here jumping to the conclusion that you should divorce. Be wise and don’t do this. At least your husband is being honest with you rather than going behind your back and cheating.

Oh dear oh dear Anessia.....

@Anessia I don't think you or the OP should be trying to change your appearance for your partners. That's not the problem here. I can guarantee, even if you looked like a model, these men would find fault. Seriously leave them.....especially you Anessia...there's no way I'd stick with a man like that at your age. As for keeping a marriage going for the sake of your family...that can be a very lonely marriage.

If you stay with this shallow, cruel bellend your self esteem will dribble away to nothing.
Who is main carer for the children? EOW and one midweek isn't 'living away from your children' it really isn't. It would be living with your children with rest breaks. You could get some social life back when he has them. It's really not that bad.

@Louise831

I care about looking attractive to my husband despite knowing that there’s a deeper issue I still want and love him. I don’t believe there are perfect marriages and even if I left then there would be new problems with a different man. Also I have a baby and divorce has huge negative effects on children regardless of what you like to believe.

Anessia

I suggest you start your own thread, it really sounds like you need support

He’s a bellend OP

I’d be telling him that there is nothing more unattractive than someone who is a selfish thoughtless callous arse

Please leave him. He doesn’t contribute anything to the relai.

Heartbreaking read ❤️.

Do you want your children growing up with that as a role model father?

You are beautiful, loving and caring and wasting your life being the punch bag of this cruel excuse for a husband.

I suspect he has some deep seated personal hate issues, but they're his, not yours.

You're worth more than this.

Leave or stay, but set some emotional boundaries to stop him hurting you.

Good luck xx

I think you deserve better than this man OP

This is the beginning of the 'Cheaters Script'
But no sex for 2 years.
Because of how you look.
He's a nasty piece of work.
You would be far better off without him dragging you down.
He brings nothing to the table does he?
What is the point of him?
Really look at that.
What does he do for you?
What does he do for the kids?

Op even without seeing or meeting your dh I can tell you that he is a deeply, deeply unattractive, horrible man. The good news is that he brings so little to the marriage that you will scarcely notice when he is gone. Ltb, you can do so much better.