I love my partner but can't give him what he wants right now.

[Fishandchip]

First time poster. Hi everyone, I’m just looking for some advice on my situation.

I’ve been with my partner for three years. We met on tinder. He’s 36, I’m 25 (it is relevant). No kids on either side. We hit it off instantly but after a few months the relationship became rocky as he lived two hours away from me. In the beginning we made time for each other, saw each other every weekend, did nice things together such as city breaks away, meals out etc. After a few months he told me it was all just too much for him, that he missed spending time with his friends and family on the weekends and he felt that everything was going too fast. I understood this and we agreed to see each other every other weekend instead.

He was in a 9 year relationship before me (split for two years before we met) and apparently he hardly ever saw his family and friends during that time as she was very controlling and didn’t like it when they spent time away from each other.
After knowing everything he’d been through in his previous relationship, I never wanted to make him feel the same way. I have to admit, I found it really hard only seeing him twice a month as we couldn’t see each other during the week as we both worked full time. I felt that it would be hard for the relationship to progress but we stuck it out and three years later we’re still together and very happy, well sort of.

I love him very much and he’s the perfect man for me. I can honestly see myself marrying him and having kids one day. He makes me laugh, smile, treats me like a queen. I trust him wholeheartedly. Everything that I want in a man, he is. We moved in together in August (I moved to him) as he has a very good job, but unfortunately the company that he works for doesn’t operate where I’m from so he wouldn’t of been able to relocate. This didn’t bother me though as I was happy to move to be with him.

Anyway, here’s the catch. Three months before we moved in together I took on a new job, for a company where I can really progress. It’s my first “proper” job so to speak. I’m earning a very good salary. All of my previous jobs were either minimum wage or just above so it’s a huge increase with the money side of things. I’m really enjoying it and can see myself staying here long term. The job is only a 90 minute commute all round which works well considering I’ve moved location.

As I said above, my partner has a very good job which he’s been in for around 13 years. He’s worked his way up over the years and as a result earns a very good salary also. He earns enough for us to live on comfortably without me having to work, but as I said I’m enjoying this job and want to carry on for at least the next 3-5 years to get the experience under my belt. When we met I lived alone, worked full time. I’ve always been independent since the age of 18 and I thought that’s what he loved about me.

Just after we moved in together, he started talking about having children. I explained to him that I didn’t think it was the best time to start trying for a baby as I had just started my new job and wanted to enjoy it and make some money to put towards our savings. It would also be difficult having a baby now as my job is full time, leaving the house at 7am and not getting home until 6pm and I wouldn’t be able to reduce my days once baby has arrived. I said that maybe we could start trying in a couple of years instead. He got really upset at this and started making comments such as that he didn’t want to be doing the school run at 50 etc. We’ve spoken about it a couple of times since then and he just keeps on saying how he doesn’t want to be an “old dad”. I’ve tried to put my point across and explain how I’m trying to build my own career and make my own money, like what he’s done over the last 13 years but he doesn’t understand. He just keeps on saying “I earn enough for you not to work”. He doesn’t understand that I want to make my own money and have a purpose outside of our relationship.

It’s really starting to affect our relationship as every time we have sex now he makes comments like “let me put a baby in you” etc. I know all he wants is for us to have a child and be a family but it’s just not the right time for me at the minute, after all I’m only 25. This is the first time the age gap has been a problem for us tbh. I just don’t know what to do at this point as I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to want children, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me not to want them either. I’m not saying no to the idea, just not right now. It’s starting to cause tension between us and I think he’s starting to resent me because of it, he hasn’t actually said that, I can just sense it.

Looking back now it was really stupid that we didn’t talk more about it and what we both wanted before moving in together. The thought of having to break up because of this just makes me feel like shit, I honestly can’t imagine my life without him but I’m not sure what else we’re suppose to do if we can’t agree on this?

I’m not sure what I’m asking for really, maybe just a hand hold

I'm looking at it from the other end and I'm so pleased I had my DS at 21, I had tons of energy, we always had an amazing time together and I started my career after he started going to school. It didn't affect my career at all.
My career on the other hand led me to burn out completely at 45 and I'm really drifting into retirement now just hanging on for the pension.
I know which if those things is the most important to me and it isn't my career.
But that is just my point of view. You must be allowed by him to decide for yourself.

I agree this man is trouble. A decent person, getting together with someone much younger, would think about what that really meant, and what compromises they‘d need need to make to ensure that life stages could align. They‘d use the benefit of hindsight, and remember being in their 20s meant, and they’d want their loved one to enjoy what they‘d had the chance to do.

Your partner has shown you repeatedly that he doesn’t give a monkeys about anyone but himself, that he thinks it was ok for him to have needs (to see friends, family) but you aren’t worthy of needs and choices, not to him - because he thinks that‘s his spot . Your job is to cater to what he wants and not have things you need for yourself.

It’s common to make a mistake like this in your early 20s and it’s ok - if you get out of this situation.

I’m at the stage where me and my friends have primary and secondary school age children for and some of these friends married and had kids with this type of bloke. The scales have fallen off their eyes and their choices are much tougher than yours. Protect yourself while the stakes are lower.

You still have plenty of time before your clock is ticking and it would certainly be a mistake to have a child you didn't want just because the other did want. If you can't compromise in a way that suits you both, you never will. Having a baby with someone involve s a life time of compromise and agreement. You guys don't seem to be a team now, I'd say you need to move out.

Saying ‘let me put a baby in you’ when you’ve TOLD him you don’t want to get pregnant is awful and very creepy. Let us know how the chat goes.

Agree with PPs, he's not for you nor would I wish him upon any other woman

And the PPs saying he's not wrong to want DC - he should have thought seriously about that before getting together with a 22 year old and looked to find a partner walking incubator to control closer to his own age/at a similar point in life.

The 'pillow talk' of him saying he wants to impregnate you despite you being very clear you don't want to sounds rapey as fuck.

Your world is literally your oyster OP, you get one crack at this, don't waste it on this man (there's loads more out there who actually are capable of treating you as an individual/equal) who doesn't respect you. And for the love of God please make sure you are 100% in control of your contraceptives - I wouldn't trust any condoms he produces.

Good luck for the chat. He will know he's risked pushing it too far with you and will be saying all the right words to reel you back in.

Please re read @HollowTalk post over and over and start packing

How did your talk with him, go, OP?

Hi guys, apologies for not replying sooner to you all. Things have been a bit hectic since I last posted on here.

I thought I would update you on what's happened -

On Wednesday night after work we both sat down and had a chat. It was a good chat actually, we were both honest and told each other what we wanted in the future. I told him that I wasn't ready for children yet and that if that's what he wanted right now then he would need to find someone who wanted the same things. I also explained to him about how I just wanted to live my life (just like he did when he was in his 20s) and he seemed to understand this. He did say he never thought of it that way so I think I got my point across.

He did apologise for pressuring me, and that he didn't mean to. He said that time had just gone so fast, that he was so busy enjoying his life (like I'm trying to do) and then all of a sudden realised he's 36 and still hasn't had kids, got married etc so I think he panicked and started acting insanely. He also apologised for not supporting me in my new job and said that he was proud of me but that he just wanted me to know that he'd always take care of me if I needed him to, I said I understood that but that I wanted to take care of myself as well.

I have also been listening to your points about how we should get married before having children and I expressed that to him and his response was "I would marry you in a heart beat, I just didn't realise that's what you wanted". I said yes one day, not right now though but definitely before having children so again I think I got my point across.

I also told him that I think we should start looking for a home of our own maybe in the new year as currently we rent but it's only his name on the tenancy agreement so I'm sure he could throw me out on my ass if he wanted to (not saying that he would though but I've picked up on your points with protecting myself). We've decided to start looking for a home that we can either rent or get a mortgage on and both of our names will be on there. I said I didn't want to be paying towards a home when I could technically be thrown out on my ass if something bad ever happened. He seemed to understand this as well.

He confided in me that he was worried that I would prefer to be with someone younger and that I would eventually leave him for someone my own age. I said if that was the case then I wouldn't have met him three years ago in the first place . I told him the relationship wouldn't work if there was no trust between us and he agreed. I also explained to him that I could of just packed my bags and left if I wanted to as there's nothing that ties me to him such as the house, but that I'm trying to work on things so that we're both happy. I think this might be the reason that he started acting up in the first place.

Despite his recent behaviour, there is a reason why I fell in love with him in the first place and that I wanted to make things work. I told him I understand that he might not want to wait until he's 45 to have kids and that we'll discuss it again in the next few years and he seemed happy with that. I told him that if he starts to pressure me again or behave the way he did then I will leave him and he said he didn't want that, that he loved me and would do anything to make me happy. I just said that I wanted to enjoy our time now, get to know each other more as after all we've only been together for three years and again he agreed with me.

We both agreed that having children is a big commitment and it's not fair to drag them into a shit environment. We need to be happy in our relationship first, be set up financially and with a home etc.

I also did express to him about how I felt angry about how things were in the start of our relationship (me doing all the work) and he did apologise for that. I'm not sure what else he can do as it was three years ago but how he behaves in the future might make up for it. I do think I've got through to him and I'm going to see how things go but he knows what's expected of him now and if he starts that shit again then I will just leave him. I think he understands he's pushed me too far and he wants to redeem himself now so I'm going to give him that chance.

I appreciate some of you may think I'm a push over etc and who knows if he's sincere or not. I certainly don't but his behaviour over the next few months will show if he genuinely cares about me or not and if he has taken everything that we talked about on board or not.

Anyway, I just wanted to update you (whoever's interested) and thank you all for your support. I really do appreciate it! X

He reeled you back in nicely.

I give it three weeks before he brings up having a baby again. Right before your next depo shot. He will certainly bring it up in advance of the next one after that.

Do yourself a favour and refer back to this thread when he next raises wanting to have a baby sometime soon. Read it all again, when that happens, and realise that this spiral of control will take over your life if you let it.

From what he’s said the words sound good. You just need the actions to back it up. You’ve had some good advice on here to bear in mind going forward. I hope it works out but remember you always have the option to leave and should never be pressured into things that don’t make you happy.

That all seems positive and I hope he stays true to his word.

I would recommend you don't advance your timeframe, but stick to your original thoughts of about 4/5 years, I think it was?

Thats a really good update OP. Well done. I hope this has been good for you

@category12 yes sorry what I meant is that we would talk about it in the next few years but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. I told him we could talk about it again in 2-3 years but not actually start trying until a year or two later. He seemed happy with the idea.

I don't enjoy it being on a timescale so to speak as I would prefer things to happen more naturally but I guess because of his age we do have to discuss it. I would feel guilty if I made him wait until he was 45 and then said "oh no sorry I don't want kids" so this way in 2-3 years time I can see how I feel and if I'm ready to have children then obviously we can go from there and if not, then depending on how he feels he will need to wait or either move on.

Hope that make sense xx

Good update OP. Well done for saying the things you needed to say. Wishing you all the best for the new job!

Well done OP, I think discussing things is essential in a relationship. Only you will know if he means what he says and really you can only see how it goes (as only any of us can, even those in long term relationships with kids etc). So, see how it goes and you can refer back here if there are issues going forward.

Again, well done on communicating so clearly and good luck in the new role.

Well, good luck. He might have seen sense. And at least you are not tied to him either financially or by having DC, so if he reverts back to coercive behaviour you can just walk. And, most importantly, you are on depo so he can't interfere with your contraception.

Well done OP.
Let's hope it works.
But I agree with a PP.
I reckon he will mention kids within the next 3 months.
We shall see.
Fingers crossed it all works out as you want it to OP.

Hi op.

When you look to buy a house, look at one midway between both your places of work. Not fair that you have to do all the travelling. Also would be interesting to see how he responds to having to sacrifice something to also accommodate you fairly. If he doesn't, then I would seriously reconsider your relationship and having children with him.

Thank you for the tips xx

He sounds like a nob!
Run op seriously!
Do you want a good career your own money? Do what you want when you want?
Or do you want to be stuck at home no say on the spending or household. With a baby you weren’t ready for, no career or back up plan if Mr I want it all my way decided to leave/cheat.

Well done OP. Be on your guard though. I still stick to what I said earlier.
Be prepared to walk. He is at the stage in life where he wants a wife and children.you're not. Get your contraception.