I love my partner but can't give him what he wants right now.

[Fishandchip]

First time poster. Hi everyone, I’m just looking for some advice on my situation.

I’ve been with my partner for three years. We met on tinder. He’s 36, I’m 25 (it is relevant). No kids on either side. We hit it off instantly but after a few months the relationship became rocky as he lived two hours away from me. In the beginning we made time for each other, saw each other every weekend, did nice things together such as city breaks away, meals out etc. After a few months he told me it was all just too much for him, that he missed spending time with his friends and family on the weekends and he felt that everything was going too fast. I understood this and we agreed to see each other every other weekend instead.

He was in a 9 year relationship before me (split for two years before we met) and apparently he hardly ever saw his family and friends during that time as she was very controlling and didn’t like it when they spent time away from each other.
After knowing everything he’d been through in his previous relationship, I never wanted to make him feel the same way. I have to admit, I found it really hard only seeing him twice a month as we couldn’t see each other during the week as we both worked full time. I felt that it would be hard for the relationship to progress but we stuck it out and three years later we’re still together and very happy, well sort of.

I love him very much and he’s the perfect man for me. I can honestly see myself marrying him and having kids one day. He makes me laugh, smile, treats me like a queen. I trust him wholeheartedly. Everything that I want in a man, he is. We moved in together in August (I moved to him) as he has a very good job, but unfortunately the company that he works for doesn’t operate where I’m from so he wouldn’t of been able to relocate. This didn’t bother me though as I was happy to move to be with him.

Anyway, here’s the catch. Three months before we moved in together I took on a new job, for a company where I can really progress. It’s my first “proper” job so to speak. I’m earning a very good salary. All of my previous jobs were either minimum wage or just above so it’s a huge increase with the money side of things. I’m really enjoying it and can see myself staying here long term. The job is only a 90 minute commute all round which works well considering I’ve moved location.

As I said above, my partner has a very good job which he’s been in for around 13 years. He’s worked his way up over the years and as a result earns a very good salary also. He earns enough for us to live on comfortably without me having to work, but as I said I’m enjoying this job and want to carry on for at least the next 3-5 years to get the experience under my belt. When we met I lived alone, worked full time. I’ve always been independent since the age of 18 and I thought that’s what he loved about me.

Just after we moved in together, he started talking about having children. I explained to him that I didn’t think it was the best time to start trying for a baby as I had just started my new job and wanted to enjoy it and make some money to put towards our savings. It would also be difficult having a baby now as my job is full time, leaving the house at 7am and not getting home until 6pm and I wouldn’t be able to reduce my days once baby has arrived. I said that maybe we could start trying in a couple of years instead. He got really upset at this and started making comments such as that he didn’t want to be doing the school run at 50 etc. We’ve spoken about it a couple of times since then and he just keeps on saying how he doesn’t want to be an “old dad”. I’ve tried to put my point across and explain how I’m trying to build my own career and make my own money, like what he’s done over the last 13 years but he doesn’t understand. He just keeps on saying “I earn enough for you not to work”. He doesn’t understand that I want to make my own money and have a purpose outside of our relationship.

It’s really starting to affect our relationship as every time we have sex now he makes comments like “let me put a baby in you” etc. I know all he wants is for us to have a child and be a family but it’s just not the right time for me at the minute, after all I’m only 25. This is the first time the age gap has been a problem for us tbh. I just don’t know what to do at this point as I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to want children, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me not to want them either. I’m not saying no to the idea, just not right now. It’s starting to cause tension between us and I think he’s starting to resent me because of it, he hasn’t actually said that, I can just sense it.

Looking back now it was really stupid that we didn’t talk more about it and what we both wanted before moving in together. The thought of having to break up because of this just makes me feel like shit, I honestly can’t imagine my life without him but I’m not sure what else we’re suppose to do if we can’t agree on this?

I’m not sure what I’m asking for really, maybe just a hand hold

Fkn hell gal, run, run like the wind.

I mean the second he started talking about his ex being controlling your red flag...flag, should have been waving.

But the baby thing, hell that's terrifying. Seems he wants you to get pregnant and quit work so he can control you.

Get the feck away from him. Fast. Like, very very fast.

Oh and don't get preggers. Obviously lol.

Oh and you mention somewhere that making him want everything his own way.
I’m 53 and I don’t. My mum is 81 and she doesn’t.

”let me put a baby in you”

And there you have the best contraceptive ever. I’d run away screaming.

Why do you need to compromise down to 2 years to have a baby? Thats a huge life change and it sounds like he wouldnt even want you to go back to work. You do it when you want to. Its too huge a job to be pushed into. If you say two years, he will try and get it down to one

Just yuk

I hear what your all saying, I really am.

I just feel so frustrated that I've put so much time and effort in trying to make this relationship work and it's such a slap in the face it's turned out this way. I know that he should put more effort in, I know that deep down I really do. I've done everything to make this work, not him.

I don't think we'd even have this problem if he was a few years younger. I guess it was daft to try and pursue a relationship with an older man really

Anyway I need to go to sleep as up early in the morning for work but I will keep you updated with the talk and my decision.

If I haven't said already (can't remember) then thank you for all the support I really do appreciate it x

He sounds bloody awful, I really hope these comments make the scales fall from your eyes. Please make sure your contraception is bullet proof. A partner should be supporting your ambitions, not bleating about you being money orientated while simultaneously trying to get you up duffed so you will give up your career and stay home with baby! Fuck that or a game of soldiers! Who would want to be financially dependant on someone that accuses you of being all about the money even when you are earning it yourself! Twat.

Sorry, but I'm old enough to be your mum, and men like this REALLY piss me off!

You haven't mentioned marriage OP. If you are prepared to concede for a baby in 2 years, you'd be getting married in a year? Why are you not mentioning this when you need that protection???

You say that he likes getting his own way. That sounds like controlling behaviour in itself. He probably won't let go of the idea anytime soon and will try to wear you down until you give in. It's nothing to do with the age gap. It's him. He should be mature enough at that age to be able to support your success. I reckon he feels threatened by your success and prob has self esteem issues. You know what you need to do. He will drag you down otherwise.

I’ve never told anyone this, but your story has brought it back so clearly that I just have to.

When I was 15 I had a bf who was 19. After we first started getting sexual he immediately began obsessively talking about how much he wanted a baby and couldn’t wait to be a dad... He repeatedly said during sex “let me put our baby in you”.
A few weeks later he held me down by the throat and raped me with no protection because I had laughed about how silly it was to even think of getting pregnant at my age...
He told me that if I even tried to take the morning after pill or harm “our baby” he would kill me after it was born.
I was too frightened to even get the morning after pill.
A few weeks after that I laughed at something he said in front of his friends as I thought it was supposed to be a joke. He punched me straight in the face.

Your entire thread has given me such chills to see those words.

These threads always are full of women saying men are controlling abusive arseholes and you need to end the relationship.

Real life is more complicated than that, so I would ignore advice like that.

I’d say you can offer him two options, if you both want this to work.

1. you agree that you will marry first, and at 29/30 and 40/41 you will start trying for a baby
2. you marry and try soon, but he will be the SAHP for the next 4 years, regardless of who is the highest earner

Ambivert I held my breath reading your post. How awful. I'm so sorry you went through that.

Sorry to be so pedantic, but until this year student nurses and midwives had NHS bursaries so didn't have to pay to go to uni. Admittedly they still had to have life costs covered.

I think even with 2 years experience in your job, you will find you're just hitting your stride in your career and may not wish to have children at about 27. 90 mins commute and working full time when you have children is a big ask. I didn't return to my pre pregnancy job at the end of maternity leave as is was a 90 min commute - I realised I just couldn't do it with a baby at home who was an awful sleeper, ie didn't!.
You don't have to agree to have children in 2 years, you could say you will talk about it again in 2 years. Keep up the contraception in the meantime!

I just feel so frustrated that I've put so much time and effort in trying to make this relationship work and it's such a slap in the face it's turned out this way. I know that he should put more effort in, I know that deep down I really do. I've done everything to make this work, not him

This is the problem. You are clearly more invested than he is which gives him a lot of emotional leverage.Without all your efforts this relationship would have naturally failed. He probably thinks you will continue to make sacrifices for the honour of being with him.

You should not compromise about when you have a baby, not one bit. I think you need to examine why you put his wants and needs over your own.

And google reproductive coercion because I think you are really going to be coerced into being financially dependent on this man.

Sorry - meant living costs

Hi FishandChip

From the way your posts are reading I’m not sure your convinced of the potential for abuse/controlling behaviour from him yet. You have already recognised some inequalities in your relationship. So rather than tell you to run for the hills I’m going to suggest the following;

Ask him why he wants to be a dad, what does look forward to most about being a dad. Ask him how he see’s you parenting together, who will do the night feeds, will he do the nappies, wash & make bottles etc. Does he plan on taking extended paternity leave, does he plan on altering his hours at work to accommodate a baby, school runs etc. How does he see the responsibilities of having a child being shared between you logistically, financially and otherwise.

When discussing the above do not correct, interrupt or object just let him answer the questions fully. Nod along encouragingly and just listen....this will give you the most insight and information, and this is information you are really going to need if are going to consider having a child with him and whether his idea of having a child and being a parent matches your ideas of having a child and being a parent.

The reason why I say this, is because if he really wants a baby, to be a dad and start a family these should all be things he has already thought of. Having a child he should have a rather well imagined idea of what he thinks it would be like and it should be more in depth and go well beyond him saying he wants to put a baby in you. Let him talk, listen, and take time to think about what he has said, it doesn’t mean you need to agree with it.

I think you will garner more from this conversation than anticipated and it could well give you pause for thought.

The "only care about making you happy" is transparently manipulative and/or him realising he's pushed you too far.

I'm about your age, OP, and I was in a relationship like yours - with an older, controlling man who didn't show his true colours until I moved in and was perfectly lovely as long as I did exactly what he wanted. Please learn from my mistakes. That comment about you only caring about money shows exactly what he thinks of you. He doesn't respect you, your ambitions, your intellect: you aren't giving him what he wants so he sees fit to characterise you as a materialistic money grubber.

Imagine how he'd react if you did give up your job, have a child and were reliant on him financially. His go-to if you two disagree is to insult you. I suspect that would quickly devolve into him withholding money if you didn't do want he wanted.

Good luck. I moved out within a year of living with mine and it was harder than any other breakup I'd had before, but like you I had so much going for me that after a week or two out of his head-messing orbit all I felt was relief and freedom.

If he wants a child the. You have to have the protection of marriage, for him to split parental leave with you and for him to go part time while the child is young for you to build your carrier, if he says it’s all about money with you then that would not be a problem for him. I would get his reaction to that 1st and take it from there.

There's nothing wrong with being with an older man per se. My DH is 12 years older than me. The difference is he was more than willing to compromise and actively facilitates me doing all the things he got to do when he was younger.

A few things jump out at me:

You talk about how you will adapt your job and your working situation. Is that what you want to do? Do you want to work part time? Do you want to change employers? What about him? Is he willing to make changes to facilitate having this baby he so desperately wants?

You say he spends a lot of time with his family. What about yours? Do you get to see your family as often? I had an ex who was controlling and misogynistic. He was always round his mum's or brothers but was not willing to spend time with my family and actively discouraged me spending time with them. Something I bitterly regret as I lost my mum before I realised what was going on.

I'm not forcing myself to have children now, I will only be miserable if I do and possibly resent him in the future because of it.

More importantly you will be the one raising a child alone whilst being pressured to stay where you are because he is such a family man and can’t possibly be separated from his child.

And if he hasn’t realised you are the one who has made all the effort, then either he has no self awareness at all or he is taking that for granted (I suspect the second - have a look too at smaller things, the ones that don’t matter that much - and see if he is always getting his own way)

Don't be pushed into having a baby. This will never end well and you know it which is why you've made the wise decision to talk about it.

Have a little think about why you were so willing to dance to this useless tosser's tune in the first place. If you have somehow been taught to believe that there is nothing more important in a woman's life than Having A Man, you need to outgrow that idea or you will be in danger of replacing one toxic prick with another.

The best advice on relationships I have ever heard is this: they are like farts. If you have to force it, it's shit.

He got you trained to a certain extent of obedience from the beginning - you accepted his schedule for how often you would see each other, you moved into his house at his instigation - the only thing you did off your own bat was get this job. He doesn't like that so he needs to put a stop to it: you are not supposed to have a decent job, because you are his little wifey who mustn't get ideas above her station.

Get rid. Get rid. Get rid.

You are so young! You've spent 3 years with this man - you can easily move on and meet somenelse, who wants the same as you, who will work with you. I didn't even start seeing my husband until I was 32! We had our son when I was 36 and he was 40.

Live your life - get a great career, don't rush into babies to suit someone else - you have so much time ahead of you - enjoy it.

OP, you haven't responded to the people telling you that you should get married before considering having dc. Maybe you think we're being old-fashioned or moralistic? It's not that. There is nothing that easily matches the legal protections of marriage, and you need those if you're contemplating becoming a SAHM.

If you become financially dependent on your partner without marriage, you are very vulnerable.

Presumably he owns or rents the property you share. Unmarried, you have no claim on it. If he dies without a will naming you a beneficiary, you end up out on your ear and any shared assets would go to a relative, not you. If he changes his will, you may be able to challenge it but basically you'd be up shit creek. If you break up, you're homeless.

Your career will almost certainly take a hit by having dc.This can affect your lifelong earning potential and pension provision. You're already considering taking a career break or part-time hours - where's he in this? Why is it your career that would have to take a back-seat to his? He's had over a decade longer to establish himself in the workplace, why isn't it even crossing either of your minds that he should drop hours etc? If you break up, he'd only have to pay child support. All your career sacrifices for your family would come home to roost financially.

Stick by your timeline.

40 is not old to become a first-time father.