I love my partner but can't give him what he wants right now.

[Fishandchip]

First time poster. Hi everyone, I’m just looking for some advice on my situation.

I’ve been with my partner for three years. We met on tinder. He’s 36, I’m 25 (it is relevant). No kids on either side. We hit it off instantly but after a few months the relationship became rocky as he lived two hours away from me. In the beginning we made time for each other, saw each other every weekend, did nice things together such as city breaks away, meals out etc. After a few months he told me it was all just too much for him, that he missed spending time with his friends and family on the weekends and he felt that everything was going too fast. I understood this and we agreed to see each other every other weekend instead.

He was in a 9 year relationship before me (split for two years before we met) and apparently he hardly ever saw his family and friends during that time as she was very controlling and didn’t like it when they spent time away from each other.
After knowing everything he’d been through in his previous relationship, I never wanted to make him feel the same way. I have to admit, I found it really hard only seeing him twice a month as we couldn’t see each other during the week as we both worked full time. I felt that it would be hard for the relationship to progress but we stuck it out and three years later we’re still together and very happy, well sort of.

I love him very much and he’s the perfect man for me. I can honestly see myself marrying him and having kids one day. He makes me laugh, smile, treats me like a queen. I trust him wholeheartedly. Everything that I want in a man, he is. We moved in together in August (I moved to him) as he has a very good job, but unfortunately the company that he works for doesn’t operate where I’m from so he wouldn’t of been able to relocate. This didn’t bother me though as I was happy to move to be with him.

Anyway, here’s the catch. Three months before we moved in together I took on a new job, for a company where I can really progress. It’s my first “proper” job so to speak. I’m earning a very good salary. All of my previous jobs were either minimum wage or just above so it’s a huge increase with the money side of things. I’m really enjoying it and can see myself staying here long term. The job is only a 90 minute commute all round which works well considering I’ve moved location.

As I said above, my partner has a very good job which he’s been in for around 13 years. He’s worked his way up over the years and as a result earns a very good salary also. He earns enough for us to live on comfortably without me having to work, but as I said I’m enjoying this job and want to carry on for at least the next 3-5 years to get the experience under my belt. When we met I lived alone, worked full time. I’ve always been independent since the age of 18 and I thought that’s what he loved about me.

Just after we moved in together, he started talking about having children. I explained to him that I didn’t think it was the best time to start trying for a baby as I had just started my new job and wanted to enjoy it and make some money to put towards our savings. It would also be difficult having a baby now as my job is full time, leaving the house at 7am and not getting home until 6pm and I wouldn’t be able to reduce my days once baby has arrived. I said that maybe we could start trying in a couple of years instead. He got really upset at this and started making comments such as that he didn’t want to be doing the school run at 50 etc. We’ve spoken about it a couple of times since then and he just keeps on saying how he doesn’t want to be an “old dad”. I’ve tried to put my point across and explain how I’m trying to build my own career and make my own money, like what he’s done over the last 13 years but he doesn’t understand. He just keeps on saying “I earn enough for you not to work”. He doesn’t understand that I want to make my own money and have a purpose outside of our relationship.

It’s really starting to affect our relationship as every time we have sex now he makes comments like “let me put a baby in you” etc. I know all he wants is for us to have a child and be a family but it’s just not the right time for me at the minute, after all I’m only 25. This is the first time the age gap has been a problem for us tbh. I just don’t know what to do at this point as I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to want children, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me not to want them either. I’m not saying no to the idea, just not right now. It’s starting to cause tension between us and I think he’s starting to resent me because of it, he hasn’t actually said that, I can just sense it.

Looking back now it was really stupid that we didn’t talk more about it and what we both wanted before moving in together. The thought of having to break up because of this just makes me feel like shit, I honestly can’t imagine my life without him but I’m not sure what else we’re suppose to do if we can’t agree on this?

I’m not sure what I’m asking for really, maybe just a hand hold

Re-read what you just wrote and take the blinders off. He's an arsehole and the red flags are right in front of your face. You're just refusing to see them.

OP, be very careful with this guy - he wants you to be the little dependent wifey at home with the dc (without the protections of marriage!). You've given up a lot to live with him and now he's trying to push you down a path you're not ready for. He's not the boss of you.

Run, OP. Fast.

We had spoken about children before I got the job and moved in together but not in depth, which in hindsight was really stupid. I just thought we would try in a few years time but a month after I moved in he started talking about it more and more.

I think once he gets an idea in his head, he has to follow through with it. I really am taking all your points on board and I do agree that we need to have a serious chat about what we want and if we can't agree then I guess I'll be moving on and moving home.

Look OP, I didn't want to come across as a patronising ancient feminist earlier, but I'm just going to throw caution to the wind.

Something like one third of all domestic abuse starts when a woman is pregnant or has children to a man. Men know full well that when you are pg or have a child, you are vulnerable.
Often the first steps towards fully controlling and therefore abusing a woman is to isolate her from her friends and family, for example by convincing her to move house and become financially dependent on him.
Another thing I've observed over my long life is that men who badmouth the 'crazy ex' are usually lying through their teeth and projecting like mad. I'd bet my next mortgage payment that he was really the controlling one in their previous relationship. It's interesting that he's saying you're obsessed with money and brands, when you observe that behaviour in him - it's classic projection.

The best case scenario here is that you both want different things at different times, so it would be best for both of you to move on quickly.
The worst case scenario is that he is setting you up for control and abuse. I can see more red flags here than at a bunting shop, to be honest, and would bet it's the second. But either way, please think carefully about what I've said, do a little reading/digging on here and see how common this scenario is, and how many women are posting about it years down the line when they have no job, no access to money and 2 children to look out for.

He doesn’t appreciate all the sacrifices you’ve made to be with him. He’s made none for you. And still intends on making none as he wants what he wants when he wants it.
You need to have a talk about what you both want and if you can’t compromise you move nearer your fab job and start again.

I agree with all the above, especially LonnyVonny, who I think has him exactly pegged.

DO NOT get pregnant, under any circumstances. In fact, I think it's now time to tell him you wouldn't even consider having a child outside of marriage.

Then you'll see how much money matters to him, because he won't want you getting half of 'his' house etc.

Of course, I think getting married to him would be a really bad idea. He speaks to you as though you are some sort of breed mare rather than a girlfriend. 'Let me put a baby in you'? I can't think of a bigger passion killer.

He knew he had you from the point where you put up with only seeing him twice a month. And when he saw how you put his domineering down to being older than you.

Be careful. When you start to disagree with him, you may find he is very different to this 'perfect man' you've built him up into being.

He’s 36, I’m 25 (it is relevant).
You are at different stages in your life.

after a few months the relationship became rocky as he lived two hours away from me.
Red flag.

After a few months he told me it was all just too much for him, that he missed spending time with his friends and family on the weekends and he felt that everything was going too fast.
Red flag.

He was in a 9 year relationship before me (split for two years before we met) and apparently he hardly ever saw his family and friends during that time as she was very controlling and didn’t like it when they spent time away from each other.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Red flag.

I love him very much and he’s the perfect man for me.
You think you do, and no he isn't.

treats me like a queen. I trust him wholeheartedly.
Red flag.

I moved to him.... This didn’t bother me though as I was happy to move to be with him.
Hmm.

He got really upset at this and started making comments such as that he didn’t want to be doing the school run at 50 etc. ... He just keeps on saying “I earn enough for you not to work”.
Red flag.

It’s really starting to affect our relationship as every time we have sex now he makes comments like “let me put a baby in you” etc.
Ugh!

Looking back now it was really stupid that we didn’t talk more about it and what we both wanted before moving in together. The thought of having to break up because of this just makes me feel like shit, I honestly can’t imagine my life without him but I’m not sure what else we’re suppose to do if we can’t agree on this?

Run. Run as fast as you can. He is controlling.
You have your whole life ahead of you. You do not need this man.

He sounds really horrible. If you got pregnant I think he would put pressure on you to not go back to work.

Fucking hell, pack up and leave tonight. This man is potentially dangerous.
Like many men who date women younger than themselves, he is a misogynist, and impregnating you is all about making sure you remain dependent on him and 'inferior'.

This is a big enough red flag for you to end this. Now. No more conversations or suggestions or compromises. If you stay you definitely will lose your job, money and independence. He will wear you down to it.

For reference: when my DH wanted a baby and I didn’t, we had a few conversations about it (some emotional) and that was it. Never ever did he pressurise me or make me fee tense about have sex with the ‘threat’ of impregnating me.

Oh also - this is not a three year relationship. Twice a month for 3 years - he is not your ‘one’.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett has written what I wanted to say, but was spending too long in writing.

OP, I spent 30 years with someone and finally left after the abuse became too much, for me and the DCs. Please listen, your posts are full of red flags, and it's worrying that you think you might be able to compromise. You won't, he'll keep trying to wear you down until you do what he wants, anyway.

We have all done daft shit at 25. You can, I hope, in years to come, chalk this episode up to that after you have cut this joker loose and blocked his number. I doubt you will listen but on the off chance -run very fast in the opposite direction. He is too old for you, you are doing BRILLIANTLY sorting out a decent job and one day you WILL find a nice man to settle down with. This clown is not it.

What LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett posted, but in particular this:

" Another thing I've observed over my long life is that men who badmouth the 'crazy ex' are usually lying through their teeth and projecting like mad. "

From your OP, I can see this man being violent. If the ex was crazy, how come he was with her for 9 years? He will probably have an excuse like her hormones or drinking or some MH problem. The crazy ex comment was the red flag I missed. A mistake that nearly killed me.

Let’s say you decide to stay and have a baby. You are not married, it will be very hard for you to keep your job / career (you already know they won’t be open to flexibility and it is a long commuting so you will likely end up a SAHM), you gave up your flat and moved him at his.

If things turn sour (hopefully it won’t but you need to consider it might), you will have a baby, nowhere to go, no money. You will be very vulnerable and at his complete mercy.

"put a baby in you" is just eww. Plus many other flags. Run.

Hi OP

From another perspective...there are often threads from women saying 'AIBU to try for a baby age 41' etc and a lot of people on there say no. Not just because of the extra risks to the baby and the mother, but because they will be 60 and their kid will still likely be in education. There are also threads where women want kids and are late 30s and people say 'don't wait! Be very clear about what you want and why'.

As you have said I dont think he is unreasonable to really want kids. He is 36. If you start trying in 5 years he will be 41 and probably 42 when the baby is born and then I guess 44 - 45 if you had a second. That's with no fertility issues. Assuming he is going to be a fully involved dad, you are asking him to have sleepless nights when he is approaching 50 and still be doing the school run when he is mid 50s.

Maybe he is just realising that he is more tired than he was when he was 26 and that he may feel too old and tired when he is early 40s.

Also there are increasing number of studies showing that fathers age has a much bigger effect on abnormalities than originally thought (eg everyone knows downs syndrome risk increases with mums age but lots of things like risk of autism and miscarriage increase with dads age, though the latter is negated a bit by a younger partner).

Saying all that, having a baby just because someone else does, is a terrible idea, and also it's wrong to try and pressure you into it - a healthy couple should be able to discuss big decisions and if one really doesn't want to so something then the discussion should be over or postponed for a couple of months.

I'm just saying maybe neither of you is unreasonable but you might need to decide, do you want kids with this man and if you do, you will probably have to compromise on your timescales slightly and if you aren't willing to do this, then you need to be very clear that you wont consider getting pregnant til you are say 30 and then tell him if he really wants kids before then that you will let him go and find someone who wants the same thing.

I'd also be concerned about giving up work by the way, given he likes making decisions I'd be worried about not having a say in anything important once I didnt earn my own money

I would be really clear that you wouldn't even be considering having babies before you got married and spent some time together just the two of you.
That should give you some idea how serious he is about sharing his assets and protecting you while you have your dc.
Pushing someone into having a baby is a bad idea and doesn't bode that well for the future.

Do not under any circumstances have a child without the protection of marriage. Best advice I can give you.

Yes I do agree with a previous poster that he likes to have his own way. It's been the case since we met, I'm not sure if it's because he's older?!

No, it’s to do with his personality & controlling nature.

I'm on the depo injection and we use condoms but not always. He keeps on asking me to not go for my next appointment which is in a month

Jesus. INSIST on condoms and make sure you go for your next depo appointment.

Just please keep it the thought that I guess I'll be moving on and moving home in your head.

And read pp MikeUniforMike post.
RUN
This is not the happy ever after you dreamed of

OP, congratulations on bagging a job you love that has really great prospects.

It’s sad your DP cant be supportive of your new job and wants you to give it up.

You’ve made significant changes in your life to make your relationship work. It’s bizarre that this man, who is so very desperate to have a child with you, was happy see you only twice a month until YOU (very recently) moved to him.

if you are living in his house, pregnant with his child, using his money without anything legally protecting you than you will be extremely vulnerable. A fact I think he is counting on.

If he was so passionate about starting a family with you, not only would he listen to what you want and come to a compromise, I think he would have been keen to suggest you both move to a home that you are both named tenants of in a location that was a middle ground.

I think you really need to re-evaluate what you want from this situation.

Thanks Spitsandspots.
And what PicsinRed said.

As per PP, run...like flames licked your arse. 🔥🔥🔥

He's entitled to want a baby. He's entitled to want to start trying for one now.

You're entitled to want to advance your career. You're entitled to want to wait a few years for a baby.

You are in different places in your lives. This will not resolve itself. You need to end the relationship and move home.

1. Dont have kids unless you are married
2. Dont have kids unless you are married
3. Dont have kids unless you are married
4. Dont have kids unless you are married
5. Dont have kids unless you are married
6. Dont have kids with this man. EVER

There you go, problem solved