I love my partner but can't give him what he wants right now.

[Fishandchip]

First time poster. Hi everyone, I’m just looking for some advice on my situation.

I’ve been with my partner for three years. We met on tinder. He’s 36, I’m 25 (it is relevant). No kids on either side. We hit it off instantly but after a few months the relationship became rocky as he lived two hours away from me. In the beginning we made time for each other, saw each other every weekend, did nice things together such as city breaks away, meals out etc. After a few months he told me it was all just too much for him, that he missed spending time with his friends and family on the weekends and he felt that everything was going too fast. I understood this and we agreed to see each other every other weekend instead.

He was in a 9 year relationship before me (split for two years before we met) and apparently he hardly ever saw his family and friends during that time as she was very controlling and didn’t like it when they spent time away from each other.
After knowing everything he’d been through in his previous relationship, I never wanted to make him feel the same way. I have to admit, I found it really hard only seeing him twice a month as we couldn’t see each other during the week as we both worked full time. I felt that it would be hard for the relationship to progress but we stuck it out and three years later we’re still together and very happy, well sort of.

I love him very much and he’s the perfect man for me. I can honestly see myself marrying him and having kids one day. He makes me laugh, smile, treats me like a queen. I trust him wholeheartedly. Everything that I want in a man, he is. We moved in together in August (I moved to him) as he has a very good job, but unfortunately the company that he works for doesn’t operate where I’m from so he wouldn’t of been able to relocate. This didn’t bother me though as I was happy to move to be with him.

Anyway, here’s the catch. Three months before we moved in together I took on a new job, for a company where I can really progress. It’s my first “proper” job so to speak. I’m earning a very good salary. All of my previous jobs were either minimum wage or just above so it’s a huge increase with the money side of things. I’m really enjoying it and can see myself staying here long term. The job is only a 90 minute commute all round which works well considering I’ve moved location.

As I said above, my partner has a very good job which he’s been in for around 13 years. He’s worked his way up over the years and as a result earns a very good salary also. He earns enough for us to live on comfortably without me having to work, but as I said I’m enjoying this job and want to carry on for at least the next 3-5 years to get the experience under my belt. When we met I lived alone, worked full time. I’ve always been independent since the age of 18 and I thought that’s what he loved about me.

Just after we moved in together, he started talking about having children. I explained to him that I didn’t think it was the best time to start trying for a baby as I had just started my new job and wanted to enjoy it and make some money to put towards our savings. It would also be difficult having a baby now as my job is full time, leaving the house at 7am and not getting home until 6pm and I wouldn’t be able to reduce my days once baby has arrived. I said that maybe we could start trying in a couple of years instead. He got really upset at this and started making comments such as that he didn’t want to be doing the school run at 50 etc. We’ve spoken about it a couple of times since then and he just keeps on saying how he doesn’t want to be an “old dad”. I’ve tried to put my point across and explain how I’m trying to build my own career and make my own money, like what he’s done over the last 13 years but he doesn’t understand. He just keeps on saying “I earn enough for you not to work”. He doesn’t understand that I want to make my own money and have a purpose outside of our relationship.

It’s really starting to affect our relationship as every time we have sex now he makes comments like “let me put a baby in you” etc. I know all he wants is for us to have a child and be a family but it’s just not the right time for me at the minute, after all I’m only 25. This is the first time the age gap has been a problem for us tbh. I just don’t know what to do at this point as I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to want children, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me not to want them either. I’m not saying no to the idea, just not right now. It’s starting to cause tension between us and I think he’s starting to resent me because of it, he hasn’t actually said that, I can just sense it.

Looking back now it was really stupid that we didn’t talk more about it and what we both wanted before moving in together. The thought of having to break up because of this just makes me feel like shit, I honestly can’t imagine my life without him but I’m not sure what else we’re suppose to do if we can’t agree on this?

I’m not sure what I’m asking for really, maybe just a hand hold

And if he only wanted to make you happy, then he'd be supporting you in pursuing the career that you're enjoying, and he'd be enthusiastic about you getting to have the life experiences you want, travelling, festivals etc.

I know a chap in his 50s that has married a 20-something, and while I don't like him for non-relevant reasons, at least he supports her in her career and encourages her to really live her life. Goes with her travelling, gigging and festivals etc.

@Lillygolightly has great advice. I think it will be a very enlightening conversation.

I meant to say something else too - reading everything you've written, there's nothing about him compromising or about what you want. It's all about you bending to fit him.

You might want to think about that.

This sounds really difficult, OP, I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I'm glad you've found a job you enjoy with good prospects. Many of us spend years trapped in dead-end jobs we hate--having a good job situation is a major quality of life factor.

Being home with babies can be very isolating, especially if you have moved to a new location and your family and old friends are located elsewhere. It can be really difficult to establish new connections. So quitting or taking time out from work can not only change your career prospects and earnings, but contribute to feeling really lonely and isolated which can have a massive effect on your mental health and relationship with your babies ... you'd obviously be a great mum as you sound like a caring and capable person, but I'm just saying that parenting is hard. It's much more sensible to do it when you're ready and you've got everything going for you that you can!

Beware the sunk costs fallacy--the notion that "I've put in 3 years/X amount of money/moved cities, I can't let all that go to waste by walking away." That idea keeps many people trapped in the wrong relationship for far too long.

Do you have any friends or family IRL you could talk to about this?

@Lillygolightly has great advice.

There’s so many worrying points here OP.

The stuff about his ex being controlling I believe was to groom you into never complaining when he wants to see friends and family (even after a baby comes along).

You then moved to be with him, did he even consider moving to be with you? Because if not, it’s rather strange that he now wants a baby, a much bigger commitment.

Why is he calling you money obsessed just for caring about your job rather than supporting you? His job mattered so much that he wouldn’t even move to be with you, but god forbid you care about your career. It does very much sound like he wants to keep you at home and reliant on his kindness.

Has he discussed marriage? If not, why not? You must know this isn’t about mumsnet being old fashioned, marriage offers you protection. If you got pregnant now, you’d be living in his house, possibly with no job, no family close by and no security. He could literally kick you out in the street whenever he wanted. Please, if you’re going to have a child with this man, insist on marriage first so that you have some protection. My guess is he won’t be so keen on that because he knows it means he has to make a sacrifice.

Lighthearted -> As for any man who says he wants to put a baby in you...A. Just gross and B. Talk about over egging your role. Sperm contributes 23 chromosomes towards a baby, that’s it.

Just wanted to be clear that my enthusiasm for mentioning marriage to him isn't coming from any religious or moral background but a purely practical one.

With marriage you have some basic, long term financial protection which is very sensible if you're going to have dc.

I also think that it is some indication of how prepared he is going to be to do things for you. So far it is you who has moved, is doing the long commute and if you get pregnant that is all on you too.
If he starts chuntering about meaningless bits of paper then this suggests he really isn't serious about making changes himself.
If he owns his house and you don't want marriage at least get yourself on the deeds and start putting something towards the mortgage before having dc.
You also need to talk about covering maternity leave financially, CM's or nursery, how childcare costs would be covered, how babies general expenses would be covered?

This would give you some idea how serious he was and what he is prepared to step up and do.
For me if someone isn't committed enough to you to want to give you the basic protections of marriage then you shouldn't be entering into the joint lifelong commitment of child rearing.

You mentioned that if you can't agree about when to have children that you will need to go your separate ways to enable him to meet someone else to have children with.
You have invested three years into this relationship. If you were to separate, even if he were to meet someone else straight away the chances are that any intelligent woman wouldn't agree to immediately getting pregnant with a man who she has only just met. He therefore would be unlikely to have a child in a new relationship within a two-three year time scale.
I think when you have your chat you should highlight that you want to do things in the right order, marriage etc first. If he loves you for being you as opposed to a walking womb then he would accept waiting until you are ready because being with you is enough, the children should be the icing on a very nice cake.

When you look at your choices, remember you don't need to give up this job whatever happens.

You can stay in the new area and do the new job, just not with him.

Don't let him control the conversation- he's said his bit. This is your turn.

And don't speed up the programme- this behaviour is a red flag, this behaviour escalates during pregnancy and with a baby. He has to prove he is not that man before you tie yourself to him irrevocably.

Nothing ties you to a man like having his child- that's why he's so keen.

Your post seriously makes me feel physically sick.
You are sleepwalking into an abusive relationship .
Run, don’t walk.
This thing you’re in, it ends very very badly.

He doesn't respect your independence
He doesn't respect your career
He doesn't respect your body

Don't compromise OP.

“I earn enough for you not to work”
Oh yeah – and look how well that turns out for so many on here! Losing all your independence. Having nothing when the husband / partner fucks off and leaves them. Don’t do it!!!
“let me put a baby in you”
Oooooooo – iiiiccckkkkkkk! You did say he was 36 and not 6 – RIGHT????

You've had some sound advice.
Listen to all the wonderful experience on here and take heed!
There are so many red flags here OP.
You are ignoring them all.
You are young but you need to understand that when someone tries to trounce on your boundaries, you don't allow them to and you end it - quick sharp!
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I agree with @Footballmumto3 - your relationship with this man is FULL of red flags!

And yet, a hug and a few placatory words and you're happy.

You say you hear what we are all saying - but you're not actually LISTENING to anyone.

It's nothing to do with this man being 36, it's all to do with how HE is.

If you don't leave him, you will eventually give in because he will grind you down so much and you will persuade yourself he's right, and you'll just want to keep the peace.

Don't let it get to that.

I've done everything to make this work, not him.
Yes indeed.
And how is living together going?
Does he do his fair share of household chores?
Does he cook 50% of the time.
Do you both put time aside to do the cleaning together?
Do you both do washing, drying and ironing of your own clothes.
I reckon I just see where this is going and you've only been living with him for a month.
He wants a mummy and mummy for his babies!
PUKE!!!

What SGB and all the rest said. PLEASE listen to them!

He is expecting you to revert back to the 1950 woman position. SAHM, Looking after him and then maybe a few part time jobs that won’t mean he needs to step up. And he gets to decide always ‘as he is the ne who is earning all the money dont you know’

This. And without marriage. NO.FUCKING.WAY.

He's dangerous, manipulative, everything is on his terms, it's his way or the highway.

Chats and talks are pointless with a person like this. If you were my daughter I'd be terrified for you.

You need to get away from this man.

RUN!!!!

Don’t let him talk you into it. You’re very young. You could easily wait 10 years before having a baby. Focus on your career and don’t become dependent on this man (or any other).

Maybe he should have thought about how desperate he was to have a family when he swiped right on someone over 10 years younger than him!

I think he's just got used to you accommodating him OP. He just wants you to keep giving in and because you've stood your ground he's thrown his rattle out. If he can't understand you want your independence that is worrying as it's another element of control making you reliant on him.
You're decision entirely but having just had a baby I did actually want it is bloody hard work and you really need to be in it together - you'll be the one looking after it all day. And trust me that makes a huge difference who is looking after the baby all day! You loose yourself in a way when you have a baby, they are so reliant on you you become X's mummy, you're only just finding yourself with your career, you're allowed this time. Best of luck OP.

I just feel so frustrated that I've put so much time and effort in trying to make this relationship work and it's such a slap in the face it's turned out this way

Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy. It’s 3 years you need to write off. You’re not getting it back. Move on. You’re very, very young so it really doesn’t matter.

This man sounds like a nightmare.

And actually, it's 3 years in which you learned a very valuable lesson: which is not to compromise your financial security, your career, your life (moving away from family and friends and support) for a relatively new boyfriend. When he started bitching about how the relationship was compromising his time with friends and family so you had to jump to his tune, that was your cue to end things.

Now you know.

Do not even bother trying to talk or chat sensibly with this person. He's manipulative AF.

I'd be furious with myself that I was naive enough to have left my life behind for some guy, but glad I learned my lesson before tethering myself for life to a 'partner' like this with kids.

No it’s not going to work. He’s not listening and has a “it’s my way or the highway” view.

Be careful. He may say he's sorry, but watch out for how he acts over the next few months. If he's truly sorry he'll drop the topic altogether. If he brings it up again he was just keeping you sweet before the next attempt. It sounds like your whole relationship has been about what he wants when he wants.

And bear in mind that if you have dc's with him, give up work because he'll support you, and are not married, you'll be stuffed if he then decides he doesn't want to be with you anymore. At the very least you should be having the marriage talk before the children talk.

Have a little think about why you were so willing to dance to this useless tosser's tune in the first place.

Exactly this.

OP, have you heard of cognitive dissonance? It's where you try to reconcile two opposing views and it can end up driving you mad.

I wish I'd heard about it when I was married and I know others on here have said the same.

On the one hand you are in love with this man. You're young, you fancy him, you have a laugh with him etc. In your heart you truly believe you love him and he loves you.

On the other hand, he is showing you that actually he's not the man you thought he was. He's showing you that he's controlling, that he wants things his way, that you're putting in all the effort and he's not doing the same in return. He's done all the things you want to do (travelling etc) yet he doesn't want you to do them. He wants you to live as though you're in your mid-thirties. He doesn't want you to have that career you longed for. He wants you to have the babies you want at a time when you're just not ready.

And you're trying to balance these opposing views of him. In your head you know, you just know he's not right for you. It might be just the age difference, but why should you be the one who has to make the sacrifices? Why should you give up a career you're only just starting, to look after babies you're not ready for, for a man who wouldn't make any sacrifices himself?

Think about what it would be like with someone your own age, to do things when you want to do them, not when you're forced into it. You can live the life you deserve, just not with this man.